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Controlling and sensitive BM

kata18kata18 member
5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment
in Wedding Party
One of my longest and closest friends is my bridesmaid for my upcoming 2015. While great friends we are both pretty opposite - she's more quiet and a perfectionist while I'm outgoing and laid back. Lately, she's been very overbearing in planning the bridal and bachelorette party. She doesn't talk to the other bridesmaids or MOH and just picks the days that work for her. She's planning the food, activities and even telling all the others girls what to wear to this parties! Yes, I told her that I didn't want everyone to be told what to wear as I wouldn't want someone forcing an uncomfortable outfit on me. Recently, I told her that my mother is changing the date of the bridal shower and having it on a day that's very special to my family (on my Grandmothers birthday who passed a few months ago). She replied with a very short and rude, "Well, I have to work that day and I don't know if I will be able to get it off," because apparently we can only do things on HER day off. She even told me before that if other girls couldn't get the original date off then that was their problem.

I know she's doing all this extravagant (come on, I don't want to rent out an entire restaurant and bar for my bridal shower)  ideas out of love, but it's starting to make me resent her. This is the first I'm seeing her overbearing side and when things don't go her way, she get's snappy and quiet. I don't want to ruin our friendship over this joyful time, but I also don't want to sit back and watch her take the reigns and do whatever SHE thinks is best. Is there ANY graceful way to handle this? I feel like she'll cry at the drop of a freaking pen.
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Re: Controlling and sensitive BM

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    Lauderdale PinkLauderdale Pink member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment First Answer
    I'd say that the MOB has more right to the consideration of a date, especially one that is so meaningful over a BM.  If the BM is unable to make it on that date, then just say "I'm sorry, we will miss you".  Unless, of course, she is paying for the shower, then you all have to go with a date when she can attend.  Is she planning it all or paying for it all?  
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    novella1186novella1186 member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    She needs to be more considerate. What if she picked a date that didn't work for YOU? Then what's the point? I get that this is a tough situation, but it sounds like you need to have a gentle heart-to-heart talk with this girl. Try to meet up with her in person. Tell her how much it means to you that she's planning stuff, how awesome it is, how much you appreciate it, etc so she knows you care. And then also mention that you would love for her to work a little more with your mom and the other BMs just to make it easier on her, and to ensure that *all* of the people you love the most are able to attend. Keep it positive, don't make accusations, but express that it's important to you that she takes these other people into consideration a little more. 
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    Maggie0829Maggie0829 member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    Is your Mom helping to contribute to your bridal shower?  If not, then she really doesn't get a say over when it is held.  The only people who have a say over when a party is held are the hosts and the guest of honor, since if the date is not good for you then there is no point holding a party for you on that date.

    As for your friend not talking to others about the plans for either the shower or bach party, well, she really doesn't have to.  If she is willing to plan and host these things herself then she doesn't need to run ideas by anyone.  Now, if she is expecting these people to help contribute financially as well as their time then she is wrong about making plans without their input.

    The whole telling people what to wear is over the top and crazy.  I would just tell your other wedding party members to just pretend they didn't hear that part.

    Finally, you need to stay out of all of this.  Whoever are the hosts of these parties need to be speaking to each other and not going through you.  So if your Mom is a host as well as this friend and anyone else they need to keep you out of the drama and just talk to each other.

    I will say that if your Mom changed the date without discussing it with anyone first I can see why your friend is mad.  One shouldn't just change the date without talking to the other hosts first.

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    novella1186novella1186 member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    scribe95 said:
    If she is hosting the bachelorette and shower then she gets to make the decisions. Why would your mom pick a new date if she isn't throwing the shower. The only thing this person has done wrong is the outfit thing but otherwise sounds like she is planning several events on her own, which is fine, and you and others are meddlingl.
    This. I had the impression from the OP that the mom was supposed to be co-hosting. If she's not co-hosting, then she can't just change the date, and your friend doesn't have to plan with her. 
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    redoryxredoryx member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    edited November 2014
     kata18 said:
    One of my longest and closest friends is my bridesmaid for my upcoming 2015. While great friends we are both pretty opposite - she's more quiet and a perfectionist while I'm outgoing and laid back. Lately, she's been very overbearing in planning the bridal and bachelorette party. She doesn't talk to the other bridesmaids or MOH and just picks the days that work for her. She's planning the food, activities and even telling all the others girls what to wear to this parties! Yes, I told her that I didn't want everyone to be told what to wear as I wouldn't want someone forcing an uncomfortable outfit on me. Recently, I told her that my mother is changing the date of the bridal shower and having it on a day that's very special to my family (on my Grandmothers birthday who passed a few months ago). She replied with a very short and rude, "Well, I have to work that day and I don't know if I will be able to get it off," because apparently we can only do things on HER day off. She even told me before that if other girls couldn't get the original date off then that was their problem.

    I know she's doing all this extravagant (come on, I don't want to rent out an entire restaurant and bar for my bridal shower)  ideas out of love, but it's starting to make me resent her. This is the first I'm seeing her overbearing side and when things don't go her way, she get's snappy and quiet. I don't want to ruin our friendship over this joyful time, but I also don't want to sit back and watch her take the reigns and do whatever SHE thinks is best. Is there ANY graceful way to handle this? I feel like she'll cry at the drop of a freaking pen.

    It's not clear from your post but this comes down to who is hosting the bridal shower. Is it just the BM or is the BM and your mom? While telling people what to wear is out of line, if she's hosting it all on her own than she doesn't have to discuss anything else with anyone, like the food or activities. This includes the date as well. If your mom isn't co-hosting with her than the BM's date trumps the other one, no matter how much it might mean to the family.

    Edited to add: even if your mom is co-hosting, she shouldn't just change the date without discussing it with the other hosts. That would make me mad, too, if I was the BM in this instance.

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    peachy13peachy13 member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    I would try putting her down gently with kindness. "Thank you so much for everything you've already planned... I really want to make sure the other girls and my mom are involved too, would it be possible to reach out to them from here on out? I know you could do this all by yourself but it's a group effort and it's important to everyone to work together..."
    Daisypath Anniversary tickers


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    Jen4948Jen4948 member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    Well, for anything she's hosting by herself, it's up to her when they take place, as well as the other details (except for how the others dress-she doesn't get to control that). Obviously you should be able to attend, but if no one else can, then it really isn't her problem. She isn't required to plan around their schedules, especially if it doesn't work for her.

    If she's a co-hostess, then yes, she does need to stop making unilateral decisions and dismissing everyone else's schedules and needs and take them into account. And your mom needs to do the same. What if the new shower date she picked doesn't work for you or other guests?

    I think you can make clear to her that her attitude and dismissive manner towards you are off-putting and hurtful, but I'd be prepared not to get a positive response from her given what you've posted about her. She might drop out as bridesmaid and/or drop you as a friend.
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    KatWAGKatWAG member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its

    Who is paying for all this? Is it your BM or your mom?

    If I hosting or co-hosting, I would be pretty pissed if someone changed the date to a day that I had to work.

    If you dont want her involved in planning, then decline whatever event she was planning on hosting for you.

    BabyFruit Ticker
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    kata18kata18 member
    5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment
    edited November 2014
    My mom and grandma are hosting the bridal shower, with the help of my bridesmaids - only if they want to contribute. This certain BM made extravagant plans and only talked to one other BM about them, who then asked me. Apparently she wanted the other girls to pay for a hotel, limo and other unnecessary things. No, she isn't hosting. She was just going to plan everything, send a text out to the other girls and expect them to pitch in.

    Also the date was NOT a set date. She only picked the date cause she knew she had it off for sure. She didn't care if the other girls had to work on the date she wanted, as long as she could make it.
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    Lauderdale PinkLauderdale Pink member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment First Answer
    OK, so you have your answer.  She does not get to make extravagant plans and expect everybody else to foot the bill and dance to her tunes.  Like I said, "Sorry we will miss you".
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    Maggie0829Maggie0829 member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    kata18 said:
    My mom and grandma are hosting the bridal shower, with the help of my bridesmaids - only if they want to contribute. This certain BM made extravagant plans and only talked to one other BM about them, who then asked me. Apparently she wanted the other girls to pay for a hotel, limo and other unnecessary things. No, she isn't hosting. She was just going to plan everything, send a text out to the other girls and expect them to pitch in. Also the date was NOT a set date. She only picked the date cause she knew she had it off for sure. She didn't care if the other girls had to work on the date she wanted, as long as she could make it.
    Well if this BM is wanting to help contribute or help plan the shower then she is a host.  And since she is a host she and your Mom and Grandmother need to work together.  No one person should have final say over a date or food or venue or whatever.  It should be a combined effort between all the hostesses.

    And sorry to say but if I were planning you a party I would want to make sure that I could make the party, so I would pick a date that I was available.  I certainly wouldn't be happy to plan a party that in the end I couldn't make because of work obligations.  I mean, lets be serious here.

    As for the bach party, if you don't want to deal with all the drama then decline it.

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    novella1186novella1186 member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    She can't plan everything if she's not even hosting it. If she wants to co-host then cool, but in that case she needs to work with your mom and grandma. 
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    climbingsingleclimbingsingle member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    If she's planning the bridal shower (food, activities, etc.) how are you mom and grandma hosting it? Are they all co-hosting it together?
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    kata18kata18 member
    5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment
    My mom talked to the other BMs and they all agree on the date. My BM isn't co-hosting, as she wasn't going to pay for anything (which is totally fine, I don't want anyone to feel that they have to) yet she was wanting a shit ton of expensive things at the party and telling the other BMs what to pay for.  She wasn't even including my MOH. My mom and grandma are the ones playing for the bridal shower.
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    lovegood90lovegood90 member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    Yeah, she who pays gets a say. If she's not paying, she's not hosting.

    Formerly martha1818

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    climbingsingleclimbingsingle member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    Ok, if your mom and grandma are paying for everything, she needs to slow her roll. You really shouldn't be involved in any of the planning of these parties. Your mom and/or grandma should be able to handle it with her gently. "Thanks for the ideas, but we've got everything covered." That type of thing. Let her down gently, but firm, so she know she needs to dial it back. 
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    KatWAGKatWAG member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    kata18 said:
    My mom talked to the other BMs and they all agree on the date. My BM isn't co-hosting, as she wasn't going to pay for anything (which is totally fine, I don't want anyone to feel that they have to) yet she was wanting a shit ton of expensive things at the party and telling the other BMs what to pay for.  She wasn't even including my MOH. My mom and grandma are the ones playing for the bridal shower.
    Then tell her "thanks for your suggestions" and continue with your original plans.
    BabyFruit Ticker
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    novella1186novella1186 member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    ClimbingBrideNY said:
    Ok, if your mom and grandma are paying for everything, she needs to slow her roll. You really shouldn't be involved in any of the planning of these parties. Your mom and/or grandma should be able to handle it with her gently. "Thanks for the ideas, but we've got everything covered." That type of thing. Let her down gently, but firm, so she know she needs to dial it back. 


    SIB.
    This. I don't get why or how this BM is planning anything if she's not hosting at all. She needs to be told in a nice way to butt out. 
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    Maggie0829Maggie0829 member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    kata18 said:
    My mom talked to the other BMs and they all agree on the date. My BM isn't co-hosting, as she wasn't going to pay for anything (which is totally fine, I don't want anyone to feel that they have to) yet she was wanting a shit ton of expensive things at the party and telling the other BMs what to pay for.  She wasn't even including my MOH. My mom and grandma are the ones playing for the bridal shower.
    Paying does not always equal hosting.  Hosting means that you greet the guests and act as the go to person on the day of and field any questions that the guests or vendors have.

    This girl can want all the expensive things that she wants. But since she isn't paying for them then wanting and actually having are two different things.  I don't see how she can force anyone to pay for anything.  She certainly can't book anything without putting down some sort of deposit.  So she can plan whatever she wants but since she won't pay for any of it and if people refuse to pay for it then her plans will never come to fruition.

    Really this is something that your Mom and Grandmother and anyone else who is helping to plan this shower need to discuss with this BM.  You need to stay far, far out of it.

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    MairePoppyMairePoppy mod
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its

    Since the MOB and Grandmother are paying for the shower, they get to decide the date, location, guest list, décor, menu and anything else that involves the shower budget. They probably have asked the bms to perform some hosting duties - keep track of the RSVPs, greet the guests, write down gifts and names as gifts are opened, stuff like that. Your mom and grandmother should tell her to back off.

                       
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