Not Excited Over My Engagement

BMoreBride6 · August 2014

My DH proposed to me while I was at work. I was wearing a hat (my hair was gross), a sweatshirt, and jeans. I was exhausted. I couldn't have cared less about any of that once he proposed! I was over the moon. One of my best friend's FI proposed in a beautiful elaborate, well thought out way that took a lot of time and planning. It was wonderful! Mine was far less extravagant, but doesn't make it any less. That is her FI's personality vs. my DH's personality. They each proposed in the way they felt comfortable and appropriate. Neither is more valid than the other.

Just take a deep breath and enjoy being engaged. It is a wonderful time!

thelastdreamer · August 2014

On the day I got engaged, I woke up with food poisoning. Horrible, horrible food poisoning. We had this huge day planned of going to the zoo and out to this super fancy restaurant and when we got to the zoo I was literally so sick I was puking into trash cans. I went home, took a nap, we went out to the restaurant because I was determined to not let the day get ruined. I couldn't eat any of the fancy food because I felt so terrible. Then FI took me to the very top of a bridge and asked me to marry him and I didn't give one lick that I was sicker than a dog. I was marrying the love of my life! Who the heck cared.

Reality is not a fairlytale. In reality your hair is frizzy and you have a zit and you get food poisoning and you puke all over the elephant's cage. But living reality with the your lifelong partner makes it worth the ride.

mrsmagicgeek · August 2014

thelastdreamer said:
Reality is not a fairlytale. In reality your hair is frizzy and you have a zit and you get food poisoning and you puke all over the elephant's cage. But living reality with the your lifelong partner makes it worth the ride.

I kind of want that on a t-shirt. It's probably too long tho.

MsMoraga · August 2014

It must be cheaper on a mug. lol

Knottie34691924 · August 2014

My engagement was not at ALL what I expected.. and I was wearing a hoodie, no make-up, it was 7AM and I had been a total bitch all morning up to that point. No big speech, no bells and whistles, just "Will you marry me?" Not at all what I had hoped for. I also thought it wasn't real at first. But despite all my hopes and expectations not being fulfilled, I was deliriously happy all day. Because it didn't matter how he asked me. It mattered that I was going to get to marry my best friend.

Our culture tells us that the wedding day and the big proposal are what's important - but you're missing what the whole point of it even was. It's what it's leading up to that matters. You might face this same disappointment about your wedding day. But it's really not about that moment, it's about what comes after that. The proposal doesn't matter as much as the person who you said yes to. The wedding day doesn't matter as much as the marriage. What are you excited about? A moment, a day? Or the journey, the commitment?

Just spend some time in thought over that. You might just need a shift in your perspective about which things really matter. You can choose to be disappointed or happy, just like you can choose who you're going to love for the rest of your life.

dragonavicious · August 2014

I totally understand people making negative comments sucking the fun out of it. My fiancee and I got engaged a year out of high school and no one was excited (my parents and friends but all my other relatives acted like it was no big deal because we were already together for five years). It sucks. It makes you not want to tell anyone at all. So don't feel bad about that. Your mom making negative comments is not cool at all.

But as far as proposals go, our second engagement (we put the wedding on hold because we weren't ready at 19) did not go according to plan. It was supposed to be on our nine year anniversary. I had contacted the middle school and rented out the cafeteria (that's where he asked me out to begin with). I tricked him into thinking we were doing a contest for couples and we had to go to all the important places from our relationship and take pictures. Then at the end we were going to go to the school and then everyone would be there (close friends and family) and it would be all decorated and I'd propose to him.

It didn't work out because two days before, my grandpa suddenly passed away. Instead, I just proposed at home and told him in detail what I had planned for us, along with my sickly sweet speech. He was blown away by my plans but we did like the small nature of it. Instead, the two of us rolled with the punches. Went out that night and just celebrated being alive and being together.

But I will agree that a piece of me is a little disappointed. I had made him agree that I could propose next time since he got to do it the first time and it sucks I couldn't do it the way I wanted.

(We just decided to lie to our children about the story)

It's easy to get wrapped up in all that wedding stuff because there is so much of it out there, but each proposal story has it's quirks and fifty years from now you guys will be laughing about yours and it will be special in its own way. No one can experience your love story but you two, that's got to count for something.

lovely444 · August 2014

I don't really believe in the perfect proposals. I think we all have our own versions of a flawless delivery, and now with Pinterest, we're inundated with images and visions of what it could be. But most of everything on Pinterest is staged. By who? Men? NO! Women who went to marketing. Women who know what women want. You're not marrying a woman. You're marrying a man. Men, as i'm sure you've learned or hopefully will learn are opposites. Unless they're effeminate and even still are their differences. Your proposal story is a mans dream proposal. And if every man were honest they could give a rip about engagement photos, bridal showers, registries, and weddings. Men want to put a ring on it and elope. The rest is what we women want. SO i think there are some unfair expectations you're placing on your Fiance.

For instance:

My proposal. It was a day like any other except my boyfriend wanted me to be ready so we could make an overnight camping trip on the beach. Nothing out of the ordinary. He got off work early that day and wanted to make it in time before the park closed. I of course was late and he was PISSED. it literally was a two hour drive of silence and i was like dude. the beach will still be there. chill. Anyways the moment we get there his mood totally changes. Mind you. i'm dressed for camping so i have a sports t shirt toms and stretchy fat shorts on and i'm sure i haven't brushed my hair in a day or so. He gives us trash bags to wear just in case it rains while we hike to the beach as well.

SO thats that. no make up. I'm still kinda grumpy because he was so pissy for two hours and then we turn to leave the beach and BAM! he proposes. Totally panics manages to say my name and asks me to marry him.

was that what i would have thought it to be? No probably not. I blame pinterest for that and all those amazing wedding blogs that romanticize everything. Was it what i needed? Yes. A million times over. What i needed was him bearing his soul and wanting me for me and in return, me wanting him for him.

Hopefully that encourages you.

lovely444 · August 2014

have they're *

Knottie57977926 · August 2014

I became engaged a few months ago and I definitely understand the feeling of not being excited over how it happened. Don't get me wrong - I was and still am ecstatic, but I went through a brief period of being bothered how it happened.

My fiance was engaged for a short time before. I actually was, too. When we first started to talk, we went over being engaged before, how it happened, etc. He told me an adorable story about having an ornament engraved prior to decorating a Christmas tree with his ex, and having her pull it out of a box and then he was there with a ring. Really great engagement story!

Fast forward to us, and our recent vacation. We went to the beach one night and out of no where, he just dropped to a knee. He is quite the joker (and had done that before!) so I didn't believe him. We went back and forth a bit with me telling him to stop messing with me, and then he pulled out a ring. He actually never even asked, and I hardly remember anything he said! He just popped the ring on my finger, I hugged him, and he picked me up while I couldn't figure out if I was laughing or crying!

It wasn't so much how it happened that bothered me, as it was knowing his previous story. I felt like he hadn't tried as much and didn't put nearly as much effort into it. After some time being quiet about it, the issue finally came up. That's when I found out that he stole the engagement idea from a friend of his who did the same exact thing. That made it a bit easier to deal with!

The short story of it all is that it never took away from us actually being engaged. I was so excited that he proposed and it's still a good story! People have come to expect these huge elaborate engagements, so it can be a little daunting telling people how it happened. But in the end, as long as you're happy, who cares what anyone else thinks of it!

MegEn1 · August 2014

Just be happy you're engaged.

During my engagement, my FI almost knocked me off a stone wall down several stories - we were at the ruins of an old fort. He couldn't get the question out, I didn't know what was going on, so I tried to walk away to keep exploring and he pulled me back and I slipped.

So at least your FI didn't almost kill you. See? Few proposals are actually 'perfect.'

jaibear93 · August 2014

Engagements have become very over romanticized (much like shopping for your bridal gown). And while your engagement may not have happened in the fairy-tale dream that you've always had, you have the unique position of having an engagement story to tell everyone.

You will look back on this with your children some day and laugh about how just before you were fighting, and then suddenly he proposed.

carrie0924 · August 2014

My engagement did not at all happen the way I expected. I was putting away laundry after packing for a trip my boyfriend and I were going to be taking to my home state (I moved 700 miles away to be with him). I suspected he *might* propose during our trip in some romantic gesture. Nope. He proposed a couple days before while I was putting away laundry. He didn't even ask. He said "We should get married." He then opened his hand and had 5 family rings for me to choose from, including a couple that belonged to his deceased mother and before that, his dad's mother. Was it the way I had idealized in my head? Nope. Here's what it was: completely unexpected, completely his style, and absolutely a wonderful moment. I was walking on clouds for days. When people asked how he proposed, it was a funny story to tell. "He told me we should." Hollywood and Nicholas Sparks "novels" make it out like every single love story is this over the top, super romantic adventure with amazing gestures. I call these "Movie moments." Real life is not a series of movie moments. It's a series of memories that you make yourself. I agree with some other posters - there are some red flags here. You guys were fighting and are still fighting, you're not excited, and your mom is upset. Nobody seems happy the way you describe it. In my mind, that is NOT how I would want to start the rest of my life with another human. I would do some deep reflecting on why you are in this relationship and why you really aren't happy. Not making any judgement on the relationship or telling you you need to break up or call it off, but put some serious thought into it. I too was in a long term relationship in my late teens and early 20s (8 years, until I was 25). In retrospect, it was a horrible relationship, but I didn't know any better. Again, no judgement. Just do some deep thinking.

badbnagdway · August 2014

We were sitting on the couch wearing silly party hats (for a birthday) and he turned to me and said "What do you think about getting married?" and I said that would be awesome and teared up. At first I thought that was just to get an idea of whether I would say yes, since then I've realized we are engaged without the ring (because we both think of ourselves as engaged, are buying a house together, and are already planning the wedding). The ring was custom made so it has taken about a month but I know he has it now and he is taking me away this weekend.

He still wants to do "a proposal" with the ring so I am letting him do that and plan it and will of course be excited and tell everyone all about it. But forever, even if he asks me to marry him while riding a unicorn made of fire, I will remember that we were in our comfy clothes on the couch, wearing silly party hats when he asked me to be his wife.

Fancy, dreamy proposals are nice, but OP, ultimately, if you know you want to marry this man, that is all that matters. And, this could be a pretty cool story.

Krasavetsa · August 2014

This sounds similar to my engagement. He proposed to me after a huge fight between us two and my brother who decided he wanted to create drama between us, my face was swollen from crying and I had a huge migraine. We were also camping and it was raining and cold. But honestly after I got over feeling bummed that someone tried to ruin our engagement and create tension between us, the only thing I remember most was the feeling I got when I saw him open a small box (it was dark too so I could only tell it was a ring by the small shape of the box). I was so excited I only told my mom and later went out walking with my sister after the rain stopped at 3am in the morning. The whole time we were walking and she was venting to me about her marriage I was secretly smiling inside and feeling the ring with my hands. It felt so unreal and exciting that I just wanted to contain it inside me forever. I didn't tell her till the next morning because I didn't want her to feel like I was overshadowing her despair with my perfect news. Plus I wanted to wallow in it a bit more by myself. Over all, my fiancé and I were both bummed. I think him more than me because all his plans went to crap that night and he was basically forced to show me what he was hiding lol. So maybe that's how your fiancé feels. and the spoiled girl inside me was annoyed that he didn't wait for the right moment. But that feeling, It will pass once you start planning, and you will both realize it's your special story. No one else's.

Car2992 · August 2014

Don't rush. Follow your heart. Trust your instincts. Get marriage counseling and be honest.

levieenrose · August 2014

My great aunt and uncle never even got engaged. It was WWII. They were taking a walk in town, happened to pass by a town hall, and my uncle said, "You wanna go in?" They came out married.

Years later, when we found this out, we pressured him--in his late 70's--to make her a real proposal. He did. He got down on his creaky knee in front of a room full of family and proposed. She didn't accept...at first. ;-) Then we celebrated by dancing around them. It was a hilarious and sweet moment.

It's a cute memory of the two of them, but the point is that all this "doing it perfectly" was never the point. "I didn't marry you because you were perfect. I married you because you gave me a promise." --Thorton Wilder, The Skin of Our Teeth

Car2992 · August 2014

Don't rush. Follow your heart. Trust your instincts. Get marriage counseling and be honest.

JMalettas · August 2014

ClimbingBrideNY said:

When my FI proposed, I was sweaty and in yoga pants, a tank top and sneakers. My hair was a mess and I'm pretty sure I had sweat off all of my makeup. I did not give two shits about any of that. I was ecstatic that he proposed.

Honestly, I see some red flags in your post, on both of your parts. You fought because he forgot a present. He then proposed while you were fighting and blamed you for it not being romantic. Your mother doesn't seem to approve. And you don't seem particularly happy to be engaged.

I have to ask - do you actually want to marry this man and spend the rest of your life with him?

This. Huge red flags..

cstar1015 · August 2014

I can share my story to make you feel better... last September we went to Ireland, and he hinted that he might propose there. I thought I figured out what day he was going to do it, had my dress all picked out and was *so* *excited* that we were going to get engaged in such a romantic setting. Well, imagine my surprise when he didn't propose on that trip -- apparently when I said "this will be a great test - 10 days in a foreign country to see if we can get along forever!" he took it as I wanted to wait until AFTER the trip. When I figured it out on the trip I was so upset and mentioned I had the dress all picked out, he gave me a "seriously. you're more worried about how you're going to look?" At the time it was a slap in the face but it brought me down to Earth. After that, the trip was a lot more fun with the pressure off...I kept having a heart attack every time he reached in his bag (and then would pull out a protein bar!)

3 months later he proposed at our alma mater. It was just the two of us in one of our favorite spots. It was December in Central PA, and I had my ratty 8 year old North Face, uggs, my hair in a pony tail and we just had a heavy meal. And it was perfect because that moment is only ours, and not Facebook's.

I'm all for Fiance's who plan out giant elaborate proposals, and I'm all for fiances who do it intimately. But as a lot of the posters said, if you're still upset and you can't get past it, you might want to take a pause and figure out what you really want and need in a spouse and not just a wedding.

1Marineshoney · August 2014

I get where you are coming from but honestly i don't know to many people who get the fairy tail proposal. I'm marry my Marine and he proposed during sex..lol... at first i just thought it was sex talk and really didnt pay any attention until he stopped and asked why i didn't answer. I explained and then said yes. but there was not ring ( i have one now ) and i still called my Besties (after) and told everyone th amazing news.. Yes my mom acted like it was nothing at first and seriously tried to steal my moment but when i cut her out of some of the engagement party planning she act her ass in line and all is right in my world. SOOOOOO just be happy YAY you are engaged..

Dawnafer · August 2014

I too was not pleased with my proposal. It really is hard because its either the first or 2nd question your asked by your friends and family. I felt like I had to try and word it nicely so he came out looking good. I am happy to be marring him because he's finally starting to give me input in the planning stages so I don't feel like I am konking him on the head and dragging him to the alter. Its a bummer but in the long run it wont matter and some day I am hopeful we can laugh at it.... but right now its a little too new.

moonpowder · August 2014

In my opinion, you just need to have a good talk with your man.

If the proposal is really an issue, ask for an other one or just roll with it. The thing you can't do is hold regret and nag him about it for the next 20 years.

That's a good rule of thumb, fix it now or let it go...No nagging.

BTW...Blaming games makes no winners.

Knottie80258906 · August 2014

I guess the main question now after a few weeks after the '"not-so-perfect proposal', is ..How do you feel now? Is your finace excited? Remember you can't rely or depend on those to make you happy, that comes from within as well. One of my favorite wedding vows:

"......as you come this day to affirm your love and commitment, may you always remember to value each other as special and unique individuals, and that you respect each other's thoughts, ideas and feelings. May you be able to forgive and to forget when wronged, and live each day that you may share it together-as from this day forward you will be each others' home, comfort and sanctuary."

[Deleted User] · August 2014

My engagement was perfect and I wouldnt change any part of it. My fiance purposed on the top of a mountain in a gazebo while it was freezing cold and I love that memory! It's a special moment whether its over the top or simple and lovely. I'm not the over the top type and he knew that, so he made it special for me.

chiera · August 2014

i had a VERY similar situation, dating the same amount of time, no engagement photos, we looked ugly in the one shot our neighbor took of us after, I completely understand!!! I did get a one sentence, on the knee proposal tho. make sure he knows that you want him to be enthusiastic, sweet and romantic during your ceremony!

natswild · August 2014

I knew for several months that FI was going to propose, and I made a point of telling him that however he decided to propose would be perfect. Sure I had fantasies of how it would go down, but that's all they were. I wasn't all tied up about "how" the proposal should go. As it was, we'd spent one of our rare days together, and was a couple days before he was going to fly home for Christmas. He pulled out the ring, and said, "I think it's time for you to put the ring on now, don't you?" Not romantic or anything, but totally him! I'm marrying the man of my dreams, that's what's important.

vh2014 · August 2014

My mother shared her proposal story with me after I got engaged. I didn't cry, I giggled and was giddy excited and might have messed it up the "romantic ambiance" a bit... but I wouldn't change a thing.

My mother's story though... my father asked her if he asked her to marry him if she would. When she said yes, he decided that was it. They started planning the wedding shortly after that but he never asked and she never said yes. They've been married 42 years... I'd say fairy tale proposals (or lack there of) don't correlate with happily ever after because my parents are definitely still living happily ever after.

plainjane0415 · August 2014

It's not going to happen like you think it will. My FI asked me at HIS surprise birthday party that I threw for him. He found out about 3 days before that I was throwing him a party, and decided to ask me in front of everyone.. It was incredibly sweet and thoughtful on his part, and whew what a surprise! I was a hot sweaty mess, my dress was dirty, and I looked awful because the room that I was setting up the party in had a broken air conditioner that didn't start working until like 30 minutes before the party... But did I care about how I looked when he asked me??? NO! It was one of the happiest moments of my life, and I wouldn't trade it for anything.

travelfifty · December 2014

MsMoraga,

I was glad to read your second post realizing that you and your fiancé love each other and you vow to enjoy the engagement.

lunardaydreaming · December 2014

lovely444 said:

For instance:

My proposal. It was a day like any other except my boyfriend wanted me to be ready so we could make an overnight camping trip on the beach. Nothing out of the ordinary. He got off work early that day and wanted to make it in time before the park closed. I of course was late and he was PISSED. it literally was a two hour drive of silence and i was like dude. the beach will still be there. chill. Anyways the moment we get there his mood totally changes. Mind you. i'm dressed for camping so i have a sports t shirt toms and stretchy fat shorts on and i'm sure i haven't brushed my hair in a day or so. He gives us trash bags to wear just in case it rains while we hike to the beach as well.

SO thats that. no make up. I'm still kinda grumpy because he was so pissy for two hours and then we turn to leave the beach and BAM! he proposes. Totally panics manages to say my name and asks me to marry him.

I couldn't help but quote you, your proposal reminded me so much of my and FI's for some reason, ha ha.

He had planned a trip for our 7 year anniversary, to Montauk (which was a surprise!). I was thrilled and excited that he planned a trip to a surprise place, especially Montauk. So we're out on the beach and I'm loving it, and the sun, and he was so quiet, seemed "off", and he kept telling me when we had to leave the beach to get ready for our anniversary dinner, he said he had reservations. I kept saying "Damn, it won't take me long to get ready, I'll just throw something on, we're at the beach!". And he kept trying to get me to go get ready for dinner, haha. I was so annoyed with him, and couldn't help but keep thinking, what a moody bitch he's being!

We're headed out to the car after we get changed, and he said "Oh wait I have to get the wifi password for the room, and let's check out the sunset before we leave", so we walk through the office he asks for the password (which turned out to be a cue that he was doing it, ha ha), we walk out to the beach and I will never forget how sweaty and cold his hand was as I held it I thought "He must be sick, great, for our weekend he'll be sick!" and his hand was all shaky and he walked into the door LOL, of course I wanted to go to the left, he wanted to walk to the right because he had asked one of the employees to take some photos from behind the dune ( ha ha stalker style). I wouldn't shut up "Let's just walk over that way we didn't see that part of the beach yet", then he went down on one knee and so, so sweetly and nervously asked me. Ugh. It was perfect.

But not at all what I expected. I always thought he would ask simply, and without a big plan. We even have pictures which is great. I never would have thought of that. Sometimes what we least expect is the best.

Not Excited Over My Engagement

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