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Update - Husband's hobby - Now he's depressed

kerbohlkerbohl
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edited December 2014 in Chit Chat
Some quick background - my husband is an avid modeler.  Then when we planned to move in together, he decided on his own to give it up completely because it is really expensive and takes up a lot of his time and we didn't have enough room in our house for it (he has LOTS of models).  Unfortunately, it is a stress reliever for him, so when he decided to give it up he went pretty crazy since he didn't have another outlet to help him cope, and it was extremely unpleasant.  It also didn't help that he wasn't really listening to me about helping him relieve stress/anxiety, but he finally started doing it again and the change was almost immediate.  Back to being okay and not freaking out about everything. 
Now he appears to have decided to give it up again, and I think it's because I told him I was frustrated with how much time he spends on it.  I'm not going through him mismanaging his stress again - I repeat that it was extremely unpleasant, and that is an understatement.  But I also don't want to insist that he takes it up again, because then I feel controlling.   Anyone have any advice?  I'm sort of at a loss.

UPDATE:  It has been about two weeks since DH gave up his hobby, and for the past four days he has been extremely depressed.  He's closed the door to the room where he works on his models and won't look at them, and spends his time at home moping in a housecoat. If he doesn't have to work he doesn't even get dressed.  I've been doing my best to cheer him up, but nothing.  This is so friggin frustrating because of how important this hobby is to him that it sends him into this state when he stops doing it!  And if anyone suggests counseling - he's been, but he doesn't give all the info so the counselor can't see that he's depressed and therefore she can't do anything.  He's really good at withholding information. He has to want to get over his depression in order for counseling to work properly. 
Damn it, I didn't want to go through this again!   And I knew it was coming, and it just makes it so frustrating that despite this I can't do anything about it. 
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Re: Update - Husband's hobby - Now he's depressed

  • beetherybeethery So sayeth the fuckin' Pope.
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    Maybe it's less the hobby, and more his time management that needs to be worked on.
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  • larrygagalarrygaga Czechoslovakia
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    Can he sell his models for more money to make more? He can catalog pictures of them! 

    What kind of models are they? I feel like character models sell pretty well on Etsy and stuff. 
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  • Yeah why can't he set aside like 1 hour a night to do it and then you both compromise and can be happy?  Or why can't you guys hang out while he does the modeling?  My hobby is nail polish, my FI and I put on a tv show or movie while I mess around with nail polish.  Compromise.
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  • PrettyGirlLostPrettyGirlLost A Land Filled with Unicorns and Cat Hair
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    What type of modeling?  Model airplanes? Cars?

    I'm not sure how much help I can be because I'm a miniature war gamer and that is also a time consuming hobby; I go to 3 conventions a year, game with friends and family locally throughout the year, and I have a side business where I take commissions to paint figures and terrain for others- I paid for my wedding dress this way!

    How did your conversation with him over the amount of time he spends go?  How much timer per day or week does he actually spend on modeling?  Is there any aspect of it that you might be interested in doing with him?  Can you talk to him about modeling AND doing things with you too?

    The way it works for DH and I, I guess, is that he is also a war gamer ><

    That's not very helpful, sorry!



    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


  • OliveOilsMomOliveOilsMom South Jersey
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    I agree with the time management.  When he decides to work on his models and you are home, can he limit his time to 30 mins to 1 hour.  And if you are going to be gone for a long period of time, he can work on it for as long as you are gone.  Or if he is a night owl and you are not, he will wait until you are in bed to start working on them.

    I also was going to suggest selling the models after their completion.  Also, to limit the amount of models he works on at one time (this is a moot point if he only works on one at a time).

    There is a compromise in your situation, you just need to find the one that will work best for you and H.

  • beetherybeethery So sayeth the fuckin' Pope.
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    Yeah why can't he set aside like 1 hour a night to do it and then you both compromise and can be happy?  Or why can't you guys hang out while he does the modeling?  My hobby is nail polish, my FI and I put on a tv show or movie while I mess around with nail polish.  Compromise.
    This this this.

    If I'm painting, FI hangs out in the spare room with me and we watch tv. I loathe football, but I like hanging out with him (and his reactions are hilarious to witness), so I usually get my computer and play ESO while he's watching that.

    Compromise is key.
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    I'm the fuck out.

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    PrettyGirlLost
  • kerbohl said:
    Some quick background - my husband is an avid modeler.  Then when we planned to move in together, he decided on his own to give it up completely because it is really expensive and takes up a lot of his time and we didn't have enough room in our house for it (he has LOTS of models).  Unfortunately, it is a stress reliever for him, so when he decided to give it up he went pretty crazy since he didn't have another outlet to help him cope, and it was extremely unpleasant.  It also didn't help that he wasn't really listening to me about helping him relieve stress/anxiety, but he finally started doing it again and the change was almost immediate.  Back to being okay and not freaking out about everything. 
    Now he appears to have decided to give it up again, and I think it's because I told him I was frustrated with how much time he spends on it.  I'm not going through him mismanaging his stress again - I repeat that it was extremely unpleasant, and that is an understatement.  But I also don't want to insist that he takes it up again, because then I feel controlling.   Anyone have any advice?  I'm sort of at a loss here.
    The answer is you don't insist upon him doing either thing. Encourage him to take the time to do what makes him happy, while still making time to spend with you. You shouldn't need to tell him what to do.

    Is there any way you can participate in this hobby with him? Or find your own... maybe buy him a new model kit (is that what he's using) and say "hey I got this for you to work on Saturday while I go do (scrapbooking/underwater basketweaving/frisbee golf/contradance/whatever). Then maybe Sunday we can go to the movies and check out that new burger place together?"

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    PrettyGirlLostlc07
  • We each have hobbies that take up a lot of time (for me, running/marathon training, for him-he plays in a guitar ensemble and has weekly practice, plus he spends time most nights practicing).

    How much time is he spending on his hobby? Is he dropping the ball on other things in his life due to the hobby (ie, is he not helping out around the house, does he not spend time with you at all, are you not getting the emotional support you need, etc?). 

    Personally, for us, as long as we are still taking care of the basic needs of our relationship/lives, I don't care how much time he spends doing it. If the dishes are done and the house is relatively clean and we still spend a lot time together, it doesn't bother me. It's actually kind of a relief to have him doing his own thing. 
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  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 Ravens & Bohs & Crabs & O's
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    My H loves playing video games.  He has his video game nights where he will play from the moment he gets home to work until he goes to bed.  Those nights I just do whatever I want...catch up on reading, watch mindless TV that my H hates but I love, cook, bake, whatever.  On the days that aren't his video game nights are nights we hang out together.

    The only way this is really going to work with your H and you is to compromise.  It shouldn't be all or nothing.  What if he has 3 nights a week where he can work on his model and the other nights are nights where you two are together?

  • @PrettyGirlLost I think you and him are doing the same kind of models.  He used to be really big in Canada for it. 

    I'm fine with the time he was spending, which was about an hour a night, but when I ask him to do things for me and he doesn't do it because he is behind on modelling, that is sort of annoying.  He can't take a night off.   And he neglected my rabbits during bad weather because he was modelling, and I really snapped at him for that (I was away on a business trip), and I think he overreacted.  They are outdoor rabbits, and we got a bad windstorm, and he didn't put them inside their pen, and they were scared.  I am fine with how much time he spends on the hobby, but he doesn't seem to be able to take a night off if I need him to.  And then when I ask him to help me out, he thinks I am saying he spends too much time on his hobby instead of that I just need him to take a night off and he gives it up. 

    As PP has said, maybe it is a time management problem, but I don't think he can see that. 
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  • I agree with the time management.  When he decides to work on his models and you are home, can he limit his time to 30 mins to 1 hour.  And if you are going to be gone for a long period of time, he can work on it for as long as you are gone.  Or if he is a night owl and you are not, he will wait until you are in bed to start working on them.

    I also was going to suggest selling the models after their completion.  Also, to limit the amount of models he works on at one time (this is a moot point if he only works on one at a time).

    There is a compromise in your situation, you just need to find the one that will work best for you and H.

    I asked him to sell a number of the models that he hasn't completed, and he did, but he got REALLY depressed about it, and still has regrets about it.  Asking him to make his collection smaller, or to focus on only certain armies is not really an option. 
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  • kerbohl said:
    @PrettyGirlLost I think you and him are doing the same kind of models.  He used to be really big in Canada for it. 

    I'm fine with the time he was spending, which was about an hour a night, but when I ask him to do things for me and he doesn't do it because he is behind on modelling, that is sort of annoying.  He can't take a night off.   And he neglected my rabbits during bad weather because he was modelling, and I really snapped at him for that (I was away on a business trip), and I think he overreacted.  They are outdoor rabbits, and we got a bad windstorm, and he didn't put them inside their pen, and they were scared.  I am fine with how much time he spends on the hobby, but he doesn't seem to be able to take a night off if I need him to.  And then when I ask him to help me out, he thinks I am saying he spends too much time on his hobby instead of that I just need him to take a night off and he gives it up. 

    As PP has said, maybe it is a time management problem, but I don't think he can see that. 
    Then I think you just need to have a conversation about household responsibilities. I would try to leave the hobby out of it since it's not NECESSARILY the problem; his prioritization and time management are. So if you can avoid pointing the blame at the hobby, he might not get so defensive of it. 

    It doesn't need to be a big deal, just "hey can we try to figure out a good system to help make sure we get all the stuff done and still have time for fun stuff?"

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    lc07PrettyGirlLost
  • My FI does war gamer model stuff too, although certainly not as regularly.  Well maybe before me he did, I'm not sure!

    My FI is moving in with me next week so I was actually just looking up tips on how to merge our stuff this afternoon, and this one stuck out for me.

    If it's that important to him, can he just rent a storage unit for the stuff before it swallows you up??

     

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  • @luckya23 This is stuff that should be stored somewhere safe, and he wouldn't be comfortable with it in a storage unit.  So I appreciate the suggestion, but I have already considered this and it is a no-go.  I've given up the master bedroom of the house because it was the only room big enough for his hobby - I don't want to pay for a storage unit too.    
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  • PrettyGirlLostPrettyGirlLost A Land Filled with Unicorns and Cat Hair
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    kerbohl said:
    @PrettyGirlLost I think you and him are doing the same kind of models.  He used to be really big in Canada for it. 

    I'm fine with the time he was spending, which was about an hour a night, but when I ask him to do things for me and he doesn't do it because he is behind on modelling, that is sort of annoying.  He can't take a night off.   And he neglected my rabbits during bad weather because he was modelling, and I really snapped at him for that (I was away on a business trip), and I think he overreacted.  They are outdoor rabbits, and we got a bad windstorm, and he didn't put them inside their pen, and they were scared.  I am fine with how much time he spends on the hobby, but he doesn't seem to be able to take a night off if I need him to.  And then when I ask him to help me out, he thinks I am saying he spends too much time on his hobby instead of that I just need him to take a night off and he gives it up. 

    As PP has said, maybe it is a time management problem, but I don't think he can see that. 
    As a Master Class, Artisan Procrastinator I can tell you that if he is behind on his modelling, then it's his own fault.  That's lack of time management.  When I fall behind on a commission it was because I was dicking around too much ><

    What exactly does it mean when he says he's "falling behind?"  Is he doing commissions for other people?  Or he just feels he's not meeting an arbitrary deadline or goal he set for himself?

    I have to say, if he keeps to 1 hour a night, good on him.  I spend 4-6 hours a night when I'm painting and longer on weekends.

    Ditto what PPs said- have him move his painting table into a common area so you guys can hang out.  That's what I used to do when I lived with my parents.  I would sit and paint in the living room with them and we all watched movies together.  My dad would even help me clean and prep figures and base and flock finished minis. . . but he's a war gamer too.

    Part of it is also that your DH has to accept that when you ask him for help, or to do something for you or with you, you are NOT judging him or saying in a passive aggressive way that he is spending too much time on modeling.  Sounds like he's a bit insecure and he needs to get over it.

    And I agree, there is no limiting a war gamer's metal hoard. . . it just gets bigger and bigger.  We can't help it, we are like dragons who love lead ><  Well pewter.

    If would help you out, I'd be happy to paint some figs for your DH ;-)



    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


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  • @lolo883 I've tried having the conversation without including his hobby, but then he just says that he has no time at all, so inevitably the idea of "well, this needs to get done so something has to be put on the back burner" comes up, and it's always our hobbies. 
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  • @PrettyGirlLost He only paints for himself, so it is his own goals he is setting when he says he is falling behind.  He sets aside an hour a night for it, but I read and get busy so he usually spends more time than that.  He wanted to be the top in Canada again, but in order to do that he needs to really buckle down - he told me that he would need to take a year off and do only his modeling to do that.  To which I said that no, he sort of needs to work . . .
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  • kerbohl said:
    @lolo883 I've tried having the conversation without including his hobby, but then he just says that he has no time at all, so inevitably the idea of "well, this needs to get done so something has to be put on the back burner" comes up, and it's always our hobbies. 
    That's a really childish excuse. Sounds like me trying to tell myself that I didn't get any work done at work when I was SO BUSY - no, you were dicking around on TK all day. Whatever, I hate my job. This is not a sustainable strategy for a successful marriage or household though. He needs to learn how to effectively balance needs and wants. 

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  • PrettyGirlLostPrettyGirlLost A Land Filled with Unicorns and Cat Hair
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    kerbohl said:
    @lolo883 I've tried having the conversation without including his hobby, but then he just says that he has no time at all, so inevitably the idea of "well, this needs to get done so something has to be put on the back burner" comes up, and it's always our hobbies. 
    Then this isn't a hobby, it's a job.  He has to be able to have time to paint AND do other things.


    kerbohl said:
    @PrettyGirlLost He only paints for himself, so it is his own goals he is setting when he says he is falling behind.  He sets aside an hour a night for it, but I read and get busy so he usually spends more time than that.  He wanted to be the top in Canada again, but in order to do that he needs to really buckle down - he told me that he would need to take a year off and do only his modeling to do that.  To which I said that no, he sort of needs to work . . .
    Top in Canada, like a Golden Demon level painter?  http://warhammerworld.games-workshop.com/events-hall/golden-demon-2014/

    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


  • Chipmunk415Chipmunk415 at the corner of Wine Ave. and Margarita Ln.
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    My DH just stuck a circuit board for a PS3 in my oven in order to "reflow the solder"...because his hobby, besides gaming, is building/rebuilding computers, game systems, and similar electronic stuff that could theoretically start a fire or blow up my house......

    I got nothin in terms of advice....
  • kerbohl said:
    @lolo883 I've tried having the conversation without including his hobby, but then he just says that he has no time at all, so inevitably the idea of "well, this needs to get done so something has to be put on the back burner" comes up, and it's always our hobbies. 
    Then this isn't a hobby, it's a job.  He has to be able to have time to paint AND do other things.


    kerbohl said:
    @PrettyGirlLost He only paints for himself, so it is his own goals he is setting when he says he is falling behind.  He sets aside an hour a night for it, but I read and get busy so he usually spends more time than that.  He wanted to be the top in Canada again, but in order to do that he needs to really buckle down - he told me that he would need to take a year off and do only his modeling to do that.  To which I said that no, he sort of needs to work . . .
    Top in Canada, like a Golden Demon level painter?  http://warhammerworld.games-workshop.com/events-hall/golden-demon-2014/
    He won Hall of Heroes back when they had it, but he didn't win the Golden Demon award.  He's won a bunch of Warpstones (which apparently doesn't exist anymore).
    I think he wishes his modelling was his job, and he gets too passionate about it and lets other important things slide. 
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    PrettyGirlLost
  • @scribe95 Your husband does the whole "all or nothing" thing as well?  Then you know my pain!  , Maybe it's a guy thing?  I get really excited about some things, but when I don't have time I can dial it back and I'm still content.  My husband just can't seem to get the hang of that. 
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  • PrettyGirlLostPrettyGirlLost A Land Filled with Unicorns and Cat Hair
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    The people I know that make money off of minis are either sculptors or they paint full time for commission.

    Maybe your husband could paint part time for commission? It's different than competition style painting but it's possible he could make decent money, and it would allow him to hone his skills back for his competition pieces.

    I'm not sure of the Golden Demon level guys and gals are full time painters or not. I know many have been hired by different manufacturers over time to paint display figs for their websites and product boxes. And many sell DVDs that teach painting techniques. But I dunno if painting is their full time job.

    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


  • PrettyGirlLostPrettyGirlLost A Land Filled with Unicorns and Cat Hair
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    Ooooh shit! That's very sad, I'm sorry.

    Have you gone to a counselor to help you in dealing with your husband?

    That's all I got.

    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


    doeydo
  • anjemonanjemon Minnie and Paul (MN)
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    I mostly just have to pop in and say that my FI is a wargammer too. He really prefers painting to the actual gaming, although he hasn't entered any competitions yet.

    Most of the time it's not a problem because he models in the dining room while I watch my tv. The only real downside right now is that I tend to lose the dining room table to models, which makes it hard to eat dinner. But I figure once we get an actual house we can work on finding other places for the models.
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  • FiancBFiancB MinnesOOOta
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    As you've alluded to, the problem isn't really the modeling but the fact he isn't willing to compromise or collaborate. Either he gets what he wants or you do, no in between. And he's guilting you for the latter, which isn't fair.

    How are you approaching the topic? Are you saying things in a way that may provoke defensiveness? Something to keep in mind. I know you said you're not the one bringing up the hobby but be mindful of "you statements" and all that jazz. Otherwise it sounds like he's pretty much bringing this all on himself and playing martyr, which is super frustrating.

    I can kind of relate. I recently decided to get out of horses, a hobby that used to be my job and consumes my life. I'm not exactly doing it for H, but it has a lot to do with our financial and family goals. I am going to have to really try not to resent him for it and I worry about getting depressed. I do have other hobbies so I'm hoping that will be enough.
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  • @FiancB I do try to not use "you statements", which is something that was brought up when we went to counseling shortly after marriage.  So the whole "I need you to be available sometimes" and "I don't want to see all our money going into this" has been said, but it just keeps coming back to him needing to do this hobby and thinking that he can't. 
    Sorry that you had to give up horses!  I used to ride as well, but I could only do it by doing chores around the stable in exchange for riding lessons, and after a while I think the owner just got tired of that and they stopped offering me lessons.  It's a great hobby and so much fun, but expensive and time-consuming.  Now I just watch horse racing. 

    Thanks for all the advice and letting me vent, everyone!  I really do appreciate it.  Just another update, we talked about it extensively and we're just really right back where we started - he is doing his modelling again and he's going to do it as much as he wants, and if it becomes too much he promises that he'll listen to me when I tell him I need him to take a break to do something else.  And I have to play games with him, because if I don't, he'll get depressed again.  It's really not an option for me - I have to love Warhammer or I have to deal with a depressed husband.  It just sort of sucks - I probably would like the game a bit more if I wasn't being forced into it by this situation. 
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  • beetherybeethery So sayeth the fuckin' Pope.
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    Does he have issues coping with other trials in his life?? I just feel like this can't be a sustainable strategy - if he's so unwilling to compromise on this, do other minor disappointments or struggles put him into the same tailspin? What's going to happen when something really big changes the situation and he can't control it as easily as just playing the game again?
    For real. His focus needs to be on time management instead of abject depression because he can't figure out a happy medium.
    --

    I'm the fuck out.

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    OliveOilsMomclimbingwife
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