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How do you tell a bridesmaid its best she back out of the wedding?

danielle60314danielle60314 member
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in New Jersey

I already have a bridesmaid that is complaining about hair & makeup. We haven't even gone dress shopping or anything else since my wedding is next October.  I don't think its fair to me or the other girls that this go on for another year+.  Its only going to get worse.  How do you tell someone that its probably best she just comes as a guest since it obvious she really doesn't want to be a part of the wedding party.  I'm upset because I cant believe I even have to go through this.  I guess you live and learn...


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Re: How do you tell a bridesmaid its best she back out of the wedding?

  • HobokensFuryHobokensFury member
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    There isn't a polite way to kick someone out of your bridal party or suggest she step down. That's what we advise not to pick your bp until a year out. Sorry but unless you want to ruin a friendship you're stuck with her.
     
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  • silver0319silver0319 member
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    edited August 2014
    As @hobokensfury said, there isn't a polite way to do this.  You risk ruining a friendship by asking her to back out.  
    Has she ever been a BM before?  She may have a preconceived idea as to what she's going to have to contribute to financially, which may be stressing her out and causing these complaints.  As a bridesmaid, the only thing she is required to do is show up in her dress and stand by your side. Hair and makeup is optional, even if you are footing the bill. Make sure you stress that to her, as well as the importance of your friendship. 
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  • JoanE2012JoanE2012 member
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    danielle60314 said:

    I already have a bridesmaid that is complaining about hair & makeup. We haven't even gone dress shopping or anything else since my wedding is next October.  I don't think its fair to me or the other girls that this go on for another year+.  Its only going to get worse.  How do you tell someone that its probably best she just comes as a guest since it obvious she really doesn't want to be a part of the wedding party.  I'm upset because I cant believe I even have to go through this.  I guess you live and learn...


    If you want to keep the friendship, you don't.  

    Your wedding is next October.  There shouldn't have to be any mention of wedding stuff to her until well into next year, so not sure what the issue is.  As for hair and makeup, let her do whatever she wants.  If you want something specific, you pay.  But you don't need to discuss that over a year in advance.  
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  • danielle60314danielle60314 member
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    Honestly I feel like if she cared about our friendship she wouldn't be acting this way so early on.  All my girls want to see who I'm looking at for hair and makeup because I'm having them come to us the day of the wedding since every lives in different places. That's how the conversation came up about her not wanting to do this and that.. Meanwhile, I haven't asked anything of anyone yet. 

    I haven't done anything as of yet in regards to talking to her about not being in the wedding.  I would hope that if she is that unhappy this early on she would back out on her own.  I haven't heard from her in over 3 weeks since our last conversation as to which I'm sure she wasn't happy about in some aspect.  I'm holding off on doing anything to see how it plays out but, honestly I don't see this getting any better. You just feel it in your gut.


    Thanks for all the feedback! :)

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  • silver0319silver0319 member
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    danielle60314 said:

    Honestly I feel like if she cared about our friendship she wouldn't be acting this way so early on.  All my girls want to see who I'm looking at for hair and makeup because I'm having them come to us the day of the wedding since every lives in different places. That's how the conversation came up about her not wanting to do this and that.. Meanwhile, I haven't asked anything of anyone yet. 

    I haven't done anything as of yet in regards to talking to her about not being in the wedding.  I would hope that if she is that unhappy this early on she would back out on her own.  I haven't heard from her in over 3 weeks since our last conversation as to which I'm sure she wasn't happy about in some aspect.  I'm holding off on doing anything to see how it plays out but, honestly I don't see this getting any better. You just feel it in your gut.


    Thanks for all the feedback! :)

    Just remind everyone that it's still over a year away and that you will inform them of important details closer to the wedding.  I understand that your friend's behavior is upsetting, but she might be overwhelmed by what the other BMs are asking. 

    I got married in March and let my BMs know 3 months before about hair and makeup. That left plenty of time for the MUA and hairstylists to come up with a schedule for the day of the wedding. . 

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  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] member
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    Have your MOH chat with her and see whats going on. It could be a simple fix or she can maybe point out her rudeness (in an ever so kind way). Otherwise, as other posters said, it's over a year away, tell her to relax since nothing is set in stone yet. 
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  • JCbride2015JCbride2015 member
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    mrstaraboo said:
    Have your MOH chat with her and see whats going on. It could be a simple fix or she can maybe point out her rudeness (in an ever so kind way). Otherwise, as other posters said, it's over a year away, tell her to relax since nothing is set in stone yet. 
    This is a bad idea.  Don't bring anyone else into it.  Having someone else talk to her for you is just asking for high school-style drama.

    Maybe you should call her and just ask how she's doing.  You can mention that she seems stressed about the wedding, but don't worry, hair and makeup is optional and you will make sure the dress is within her budget.  She is not obligated to host any parties or do anything that would be a financial burden on her.  As PPs said, maybe she has been in other weddings that placed undue demands on BMs and she is worried you will do the same.
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  • Jenn7778Jenn7778 member
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    @JCbride2015‌ I think it is a huge leap to assume that hair and makeup is optional. I am not making it optional for my bridesmaids but I am also paying for it for them.
    I have been in a number if weddings where the bride did not give me the option of doing my own hair and makeup or going to someone else to do it and I was made to pay for it regardless if cost or budget. When you agree to be a bridesmaid you know that there will be costs associated with it, and if you can't afford those costs then you should decline the invitation with an explanation. I would have totally understood if 1 of my girls said no due to finances.
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  • JoanE2012JoanE2012 member
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    edited August 2014
    Jenn7778 said:
    @JCbride2015‌ I think it is a huge leap to assume that hair and makeup is optional. I am not making it optional for my bridesmaids but I am also paying for it for them. I have been in a number if weddings where the bride did not give me the option of doing my own hair and makeup or going to someone else to do it and I was made to pay for it regardless if cost or budget. When you agree to be a bridesmaid you know that there will be costs associated with it, and if you can't afford those costs then you should decline the invitation with an explanation. I would have totally understood if 1 of my girls said no due to finances.


    The only cost that should be put on a bridesmaid is the cost of the dress.  And even that the bride should get budgets before selecting a dress.  If hair and makeup are not optional, the bride should pay for it and the bridesmaid shouldn't worry about it.  If hair and makeup are optional, the bridesmaid still shouldn't worry about it because it's optional. 

    Either way, the OP shouldn't be talking about this stuff over a year in advance.  It will save her alot of headache and a friendship. ETA - Brides who give you no choice in hair and makeup AND make you pay for it are being rude.

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  • Jenn7778Jenn7778 member
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    @JoanE2012‌ that is why I am paying for their hair and makeup. I wanted it to be professionally done but wasn't going to expect them to pay for my wants. They can choose whatever hairstyle and makeup look they want because I don't care about that and want them to feel comfortable...but every other wedding I have been in I have had to pay for it without a choice. I did it because it was what the bride wanted on her day...and none if them ever asked for a dress budget...lol
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  • JCbride2015JCbride2015 member
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    Jenn7778 said:
    @JoanE2012‌ that is why I am paying for their hair and makeup. I wanted it to be professionally done but wasn't going to expect them to pay for my wants. They can choose whatever hairstyle and makeup look they want because I don't care about that and want them to feel comfortable...but every other wedding I have been in I have had to pay for it without a choice. I did it because it was what the bride wanted on her day...and none if them ever asked for a dress budget...lol
    What's funny about any of that?  Sounds like you were taken advantage of.  I'm sorry.  Hair and makeup are very personal and should always be optional.

    It's nice that you are paying for hair and makeup.  However, some people prefer not to have pro hair and makeup regardless of cost.  It also just seems unnecessarily stressful to even be thinking about this a year in advance.  If OP is already talking about hair and makeup with her BMs a year before the wedding, I bet the BMs are assuming they're in for a bumpy ride.
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  • Jenn7778Jenn7778 member
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    I don't feel taken advantage of at all. I am having a small wedding party and they all wanted hair and makeup. I am over a year away from mine but contracts had to be signed so it needed to be discussed...it is a not uncommon for these things to come up well in advance if the day, especially when vendors have to be booked. When hair and makeup is coming to the hotel you can't book 6 months before the wedding. I know my hair and makeup vendor is booking into 2016 already, and they need a head count for their contract.

    You do certain things as a bridesmaid and if that means paying for hair and makeup or a bridal shower or bachelorette party then so be it. If you are in the bridal party I would assume you are very close with he bride and would be willing to do what would make her happy...
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  • Cookie PusherCookie Pusher member
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    It is rude to tell another adult how to spend their money, even if they're in your bridal party. Just because every other wedding you've been involved in did not take your budget and comfort into consideration does not make that type of treatment any less rude. My bridesmaids paid for nothing to be part of my wedding. Having them stand by my side was what made me happy, not turning them into props.
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  • Jenn7778Jenn7778 member
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    So they didn't by a dress, or shoes, or accessories or help with the shower or bachelorette party Cookiepusher?

    Right or wrong, good form or bad form, there are costs associated with being in a wedding. When you say yes to being a bridesmaid you are agreeing to certain things and I don't find it rude or overstepping of my friends to expect that of me. I am paying for hair and makeup for my maids because I am having a small bridal party and can afford to, but if I weren't I would expect for them to get their hair and makeup professionally done and if that is rude of me then so be it.
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  • Cookie PusherCookie Pusher member
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    Jenn7778 said:
    So they didn't by a dress, or shoes, or accessories or help with the shower or bachelorette party Cookiepusher? Right or wrong, good form or bad form, there are costs associated with being in a wedding. When you say yes to being a bridesmaid you are agreeing to certain things and I don't find it rude or overstepping of my friends to expect that of me. I am paying for hair and makeup for my maids because I am having a small bridal party and can afford to, but if I weren't I would expect for them to get their hair and makeup professionally done and if that is rude of me then so be it.
    No, they didn't. I had no pre-wedding parties of any kind. I purchased their dresses and they wore shoes they already owned. Everyone did their own hair and makeup, including myself. If they chose to get their hair or makeup done, that's one thing. I would never expect or request they do it unless I was willing to foot the bill. It's part of being respectful of other people's finances.
    ~*~*~*~*~

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  • JoanE2012JoanE2012 member
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    Jenn7778 said:
    So they didn't by a dress, or shoes, or accessories or help with the shower or bachelorette party Cookiepusher? Right or wrong, good form or bad form, there are costs associated with being in a wedding. When you say yes to being a bridesmaid you are agreeing to certain things and I don't find it rude or overstepping of my friends to expect that of me. I am paying for hair and makeup for my maids because I am having a small bridal party and can afford to, but if I weren't I would expect for them to get their hair and makeup professionally done and if that is rude of me then so be it.
    Yes, that would've been very rude if you required it and then made them pay for it.  

    I left the choice up to my bridesmaids.  If they wanted professional, I paid.  If they wanted to do it themselves, that was perfectly fine too.  They weren't props in my wedding.  Standing up next to me was far more important than picture perfect hair or flawless makeup.   
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  • danielle60314danielle60314 member
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    Everyone has their own opinions as to what is right and wrong when it comes to a wedding and their wedding party.  What I don't agree with is pushing your opinions of what you think is right and wrong on others.  This forum isn't to insult people or to dictate to them. 


    If my bridesmaids want to be involved in the planning of MY wedding I am more than happy to let them be.  They ALL want hair and makeup done since they all live in different places.  Sending them a website or links for potential people that may be doing their hair and makeup isn't rude nor is it wrong.  The problem that has occurred is if you ask me to send you information (which I would never force down someone's throat) and then you complain about the information I've sent... That's wrong.  Nothing has been set in stone.. Nothing has been booked yet. NO NEED TO BE COMPLAINING!  If you aren't interested then don't ask and their wouldn't be any problems. THE END!

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  • vvtadros41115vvtadros41115 member
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    Wow this thread went all wrong
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