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parent resentment/vent

Jstump2Jstump2 member
Sixth Anniversary 250 Love Its 100 Comments Name Dropper
edited December 2014 in Chit Chat

To give some background:

Me and my H met when I was going to school near my hometown and he lived 45 minutes away near his full-time job. We mainly took turns driving back and forth, one weekend I would drive up to him the next he would drive down to me. Sometimes one of us would drive more depending on schedules. About a year into dating my H decided to look for a house. At this point we were talking about marriage/our future. We decided to look for a house up by his work because he is locked into a career there and I would look for a job near that area (which is close to a major city) upon graduation. 

Fast forward a couple years, I graduated, moved in with him and we got engaged. I know have a job in a suburb (about 30 minutes from our house and 30 minutes from my parents/hometown). When we started planning the wedding I looked in our general area and wound up loving a venue about 15 minutes from our house and 30 minutes from my hometown. We got married and are now thinking about TTC in the not too distant future.

That brings me to my parents. They recently started commenting/little digs about the fact that I moved away. They think that the wedding should have taken place in my hometown, as I was the bride and “traditionally the wedding takes place in the brides hometown” They also expressed that they never understood why I was “constantly driving up there” when we were dating. As he was the guy he should have been driving down to me to “pick me up for dates”.

Lastly, since I have moved 45 minutes away they have only come up to visit a handful of times. Maybe once to my 4 or 5 times.

I can’t help but get upset when I think about the future once I have kids and will be a little less willing to make the drive all the time. My parents are both in good health, have cars and and are in a stable financial situation (so those aren’t reasons they aren’t driving to me)

I really just think they are resentful that I didn’t remain in my hometown. In their eyes I should have moved less than 10 minutes from them so what if my H has an hour commute.  

Me and my Mom just had a fight this weekend because she cancelled a date we had to make cookies at my house after she hadn’t been there in over 3 months (though I’ve been down to see her several times) because she was too tired.

I’m not sure what the point of my post is I guess I just wanted to vent/see if I was being unreasonable.

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Re: parent resentment/vent

  • phiraphira Bahstin member
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Second Anniversary 5 Answers
    So, "too far away" is super subjective. In my family, "too far away" is about an hour. In my husband's family, "too far away" is more distance-based than time-based; even though it takes about 30 minutes to get to my husband's parents' house, they're actually in the same city that we're in. It takes 30 minutes to get to my grandmother's house (which is where we typically have family events on my side) and my husband feels like it's really far away ... because in terms of mileage, it is farther.

    However: My mom currently lives about 45 minutes away (without traffic). I don't see her often anymore because there's nowhere to park where I live, and I don't have a car. But if I did have a car, I'd probably drive out every other weekend or so to spend time with her because 45 minutes to me isn't all that far.

    Meanwhile, the location of our wedding venue was irrelevant. We picked a venue that worked for us, and that we could afford, and no one complained even though everyone had to drive at least 30 minutes.

    I'd cut your mom some slack. As my mom has gotten older, I've begun to be more understanding when she doesn't feel up to driving 45 minutes, or driving in the city, or driving late at night. However, you don't have to "give in" in any way. You don't have to drive out to see your parents more often because your parents won't come to see you. You can say, "Okay, well, I guess we'll try again some other time," or, "Okay, then I'll see you at [next family event]."

    I think that there's a lot of pressure to fix this kind of issue. To either find a way to convince your parents that you're not doing anything wrong (which you aren't) or to find a way to convince your parents to come visit you more often. But I think that it might help if you kind of practice not caring. It'll take a while, but it's doable. That is, if you want to see her, then you know you have to drive down. If you want her to come to you, and she says no, then no hard feelings, just, "Too bad, guess we'll see you another time." You're allowed to not want to drive 45 minutes if she is.
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    ShellD13PrettyGirlLost
  • 45 minutes? They're complaining about your "moving away" when you live 45 minutes from them? 

    IMO, that is ridiculous. It's 45 min to my favorite restaurant, which I visit more frequently than your parents have been to your house. It's all relative, but 45 minutes is nothing. In this day and age, people are living all over the place and staying in hometowns isn't as common. They're LUCKY you're so close and just a car ride away.

    I hope you don't limit your life and opportunities because of their attitude about where you live. You're an adult starting your own family. And there's a lot going on away from your parents. And if they want to maintain a relationship with you, they'll try to make it work wherever you are now and in the future. *hugs*
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    ShellD13PrettyGirlLostHuckSClc07
  • Boy if your parents are mad at you for moving 30 minutes away from your hometown, I can't imagine what they'd think of me. I moved clear across the country from my family.

    I can understand why you'd be frustrated with them. They sadly seem to be stuck in an old-world mentality. But I don't think it's doing you any good to dwell on it. You've known your parents all your life; if they've been like this up to now, they're not going to change.
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  • NYCMercedesNYCMercedes BOS, NYC, DC. Forever a city girl member
    Sixth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    If I were your mom, I'd be thankful to have an invitation to visit you. Screw the 45 minutes! Did she expect you to live next door after you were married? How far did she move, or live now, from her parents?
    lc07
  • climbingwifeclimbingwife NYC 'burbs member
    10000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    I'm on the opposite side of this. My parents moved away to PA - about 90 minutes. What annoys me is that we're always expected to come visit them. They're retired, and I can barely ever get them to come visit me. And I'm not allowed to bring my dog to their house, so if I want to stay over, I have to find a sitter. It's really irritating. 

    Anyway, I don't think you're being unreasonable at all! 

  • phira  I know it's subjective but my parents will drive 30-40 minutes to go to some   restaurants/shopping plazas. My Mom does feel less comfortable driving at night, but I try to plan things during the day/ have a guest bedroom that she knows she is welcome to use if she wants to drive home in the morning

    I do sympathize with her and I hope the more she makes the drive the more comfortable she"ll feel (the easiest way is to take the turnpike). I know she drives to some of my aunts and Uncles houses using the highway but doesn't mind because she is so familiar with the drive.

    southernbelle0915 I put my Husband and our future family first, while I typically don't let my parents "get to me" This time just particularly hurt. Thanks for the hugs!


    NYCMercedes  They are currently about 15 minutes away from their childhood homes but they moved out of state when they were newly married. However they  have somewhat estranged relationships with their parents.

    It doesn't help that my older brother only moved 10-15 minutes away.

    My H made a point that once we do have kids(and my parents are soooo excited to have grandkids, They do not have any yet) My parents might realize they need to step up a little more if they want to see them as often as they'd like,


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  • My mom is like this. Anything over two hours is "too far away," but they raised us in a small town in the middle of nowhere PA.

    I currently live 5 hours away and make the drive to see them often; my parents rarely come to see me. My wedding is here in Pittsburgh and they made a HUGE deal about how far away it is, why wouldn't we get married in my hometown blah blah.

    Can't wait to tell her our next move is probably for FI's job in Houston, TX.

    Some families stay close, mom lives next door, kids see their grandparents daily. Some families are all over the country. I think your mom should relax and realize she can see you on any given day if she chooses.
  • phiraphira Bahstin member
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Second Anniversary 5 Answers
    Then it sounds like she's punishing you for moving "too far away," or maybe even for moving to a region she considers your husband's (and therefore you're making a statement that you've left her family and joined his). Either way, this is about her feelings. She doesn't like where you moved? Tough. I don't think she's going to change how she feels, or at least, I don't think it's a worthwhile goal to try to change how she feels. Just keep doing what works for you. Don't want to drive 45 minutes to see her? Don't. Still want to invite her to stuff? Do.

    Just to be clear, she's being really unreasonable here. But for the sake of your sanity, it's worth teaching yourself to stop blaming yourself for her feelings.
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  • ShellD13ShellD13 Can't get there from here member
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    I second all of the other PPs. Trust me I know exactly what you are going through.  I was living about 2 - 2 1/2 hours from my parents already (I settled close to the area where I went to College).  That was okay because most of my family live at least an hour if not more from my parents but I was the dutiful daughter and went home at every opportunity/holiday.  I think in the 15 years I lived on my own my parents visited me twice.  Enter FI (now H) he lived another 2 hours from my location without traffic and since he lived in a very popular vacation area the traffic for either of us could double the travel time if we didn't plan appropriately.  The compromise we settled on worked for us but I certainly got some side eye from family members at all of the miles I was putting on my car and even more so the first time I declined a holiday at my parents to spend the holiday with FI and his kids.  We knew that our future was together so I relocated a little over a year into our relationship - I'm now 4 hours away and never able to go home for family holidays as we have to work around the custody schedule with his former wife.  It may change once his kids hit 18 but for at least the next 6 years it is what it is.

    My family doesn't like it.  I've now been here close to three years and the only time they've come to visit was for the wedding which was held in a location close to our home (but I suppose if they were going to pick when to visit I'd prefer it be for the wedding vs. a stop in and say hi visit ;-) )

    All of that to say - you aren't alone.  Your parents probably aren't going to change regardless of how hurtful it is that you can/do drop everything to visit them and they seem unwilling to do the same.  I too would say cut them some slack as they are getting older and travel may not be easy on them (regardless of how long or short of a trip it is).  But you need to focus on your marriage and TTC when you are ready and try not to take any of the digs to heart.  You are living your life.  


      
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  • ClimbingBrideNY  I sympathize with you, I just wish traveling in general could be split more fairly. We have a dog too who is not allowed at their house, I'm glad my parents only live 45 minutes away and we don't have to board her. I do feel guilty leaving her on holidays when I go to my parents though :(
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  • Jstump2Jstump2 member
    Sixth Anniversary 250 Love Its 100 Comments Name Dropper
    edited December 2014
    phira  you definitely hit the nail on the head! Though 45 minutes isn't that far she definitely see's it as my Husband's territory.  I can think of many other city's they probably would have been okay with because they were familiar with/visited before. Before I met my H they had never been to the city I live now. It doesn't help that my IL live about 20 minutes away from us. Thanks for all the advise, I tend to be too much of a people pleaser, I know I need to work on that and how I respond/let things affect me.
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  • hellosweetie1015hellosweetie1015 Where the skies are so blue member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Anniversary First Answer
    My mom is just. like. that. It drives me up the wall. I don't really have any good coping mechanisms for you to help you deal WITH her, but I do know how I deal with the situation:

    I don't tell her shit. If FI and I discuss moving an area that's farther than the next town over, it doesn't come up in front of her. If my sister talks about going to Wisconsin (which thankfully she isn't any more - the boy she was thinking about joining turned out to be a huge stinky asshole) she doesn't say anything in front of her. It's much easier to ask forgiveness than it is permission, so to speak.
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  • anjemonanjemon Minnie and Paul (MN) member
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    I think some of this stuff might be because of the generational changes in thinking. A lot of the disagreements sound like your parents think things should be "traditional" but you're going for what you want. Or what's more fair.  And personally, I always think things should be as fair as you can get them. It helps the relationship remain balanced.

    And perhaps they don't like that you moved away. They want you close. If it's really bothering you, you can talk to them about it. 

    But I think @phira's advice about travel is good. Some people aren't as good about driving longer distances. My parents don't mind (they drive 2 hours to see us), but my FI will object to driving to different suburbs if he feels like it will take up too much of his evening. And he dislikes the drive back to see my parents. It's all in perspective. Maybe you can work something out with your parents to visit back and forth, but if they aren't willing to make an effort, I think it's okay for you to do the same.
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  • DH and I live several states away from his parents. Definitely a plane ride. 

    They give him shit about living far away. It used to be REALLY bad. But he talked to them and basically said, "This is how it is and how it's going to be. You need to accept it. You're invited any time you want to visit. I love you, but I do not want to talk about this or hear remarks about it anymore. It's difficult for me and you're hurting me when you constantly make side comments about it. It's going to make me not want to talk to y'all and that's not what I want. Please stop or we will be limiting contact with you." 

    Something like that anyway. It has significantly slowed down. He basically made the point that if they think it's bad that we live far away, it's going to be a lot worse when we limit contact with them because of their asshole comments all the time.
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  • I definitely know how you feel. SO and I bought a house in the same city, but on the opposite end. Without traffic it takes 30m on the highway, but his mother refuses to drive on the highway. Driving through the city it would take at least an hour. We moved in June 1 and she has only been twice. My mom actually lives further than his family, and she has been down 10 or so times. So it is SO's bday this weekend, and we are going for dinner closer to their house. They won't even meet half way =\
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  • phiraphira Bahstin member
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Second Anniversary 5 Answers
    I'm totally in the same situation (we live in the same city as just about EVERYONE in my husband's family) where I'm in his "territory," but I moved here years before I met my husband. But then again, my mom isn't really that upset about living far from her kids. My sister moved across the country and my mom is always talking about how much she loves that my sister loves her new city. Meanwhile, I lived closer to my mom for several years before my mom moved farther away.
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  • edited June 2015

    I'm out.
  • I'm sorry; this sounds frustrating.  Of course you are putting you and H first.  Could you find a way to tell your mother that her words and actions are hurtful to you?  Don't blame or anything, just state your feelings when she makes these remarks and cancels on your plans.
  • huskypuppy14huskypuppy14 Boston Suburbs member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    I can't believe they are giving you shit about 30-45 minutes. For wedding venues, 30 minutes is close enough. When people say they get married in the bride's hometown, it's not always literally the same town she grew up in. Geez.


    phira said:
    I'm totally in the same situation (we live in the same city as just about EVERYONE in my husband's family) where I'm in his "territory," but I moved here years before I met my husband. But then again, my mom isn't really that upset about living far from her kids. My sister moved across the country and my mom is always talking about how much she loves that my sister loves her new city. Meanwhile, I lived closer to my mom for several years before my mom moved farther away.
    Same thing as Phira. We live about 1 1/2 hours from my parents, and we live one town over from my in laws (15-20 minutes). I think my mom is sometimes jealous that we see my in laws more than we see my parents. But it's not like we chose sides; I moved up here 7 years before I met my husband. This is where we work, no matter where we chose to buy a house it was going to be closer to my in laws.

    My sister lives about 30 minutes from my parents, and she is the closest. Your mom is crazy.
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  • PrettyGirlLostPrettyGirlLost A Land Filled with Unicorns and Cat Hair member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer

    My mom is like this. Anything over two hours is "too far away," but they raised us in a small town in the middle of nowhere PA.

    I currently live 5 hours away and make the drive to see them often; my parents rarely come to see me. My wedding is here in Pittsburgh and they made a HUGE deal about how far away it is, why wouldn't we get married in my hometown blah blah.

    Can't wait to tell her our next move is probably for FI's job in Houston, TX.

    Some families stay close, mom lives next door, kids see their grandparents daily. Some families are all over the country. I think your mom should relax and realize she can see you on any given day if she chooses.

    Jesus in Pittsburgh "too far" is anywhere that you have to cross a bridge to get to.

    I roll my eyes so hard at those ppl, lol!

    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


  • KahlylaKahlyla Moncton, NB member
    Knottie Warrior 500 Love Its 100 Comments Name Dropper
    45 minutes? They're complaining about your "moving away" when you live 45 minutes from them? 

    IMO, that is ridiculous. It's 45 min to my favorite restaurant, which I visit more frequently than your parents have been to your house. It's all relative, but 45 minutes is nothing. In this day and age, people are living all over the place and staying in hometowns isn't as common. They're LUCKY you're so close and just a car ride away.

    I hope you don't limit your life and opportunities because of their attitude about where you live. You're an adult starting your own family. And there's a lot going on away from your parents. And if they want to maintain a relationship with you, they'll try to make it work wherever you are now and in the future. *hugs*
    I agree. I have very little patience for this kind of thing in my own life, having lived in places where my commute was 45 minutes on a good day and I would gladly take multiple buses/trains/streetcars to get to my favourite restaurants or go shopping. And I strongly believe that people should live where they want to live; it's an important thing, and it's a big deal. But I now live about 24 hours' pure driving time away from my family, so...
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  • mrscomposermrscomposer Mani-snow-ba member
    500 Love Its 500 Comments First Anniversary First Answer

    Yup, totally frustrating.  I feel for you.  But I wouldn't even be a little surprised if their tune changes when you do end up having kids.  Grandbabies are a powerful motivator!

    I moved nine hours (driving) away from my family, and my husband and I now live 13 hours away.  It sucks, but thankfully my family (immediate, anyway) has never complained about it unless we're doing mutual complaining.  Extended family, however, moans about it every time we talk.  And they've NEVER come to visit.  Looking forward to the conversation where we tell them that we're moving to the other side of the country!

    I also got a bit of the 'bride's hometown' stuff - but that got shut down fairly quickly: my FIL has no kidneys and does dialysis for four hours a day, three times a week.  Ain't no way I'm making him travel two provinces over for a wedding.  You're in perfect health - you can drive.

    **The OMH formerly known as jsangel1018**
  • FiancBFiancB MinnesOOOta member
    500 Love Its 1000 Comments Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    Gosh, that's silly. I've commuted further than that. It is so hard to stay in the same place, you've got to go where the two of you can find jobs and they should be thanking their lucky stars that you're not further than that. I feel like my parents don't go to see us much but my sister moved 4 hours away and they go a couple times a year. I moved um 22 hours and 4 states away. 

    Next time they complain I would just really firmly shut them down. Say that 45 minutes a totally doable distance and it's better than having to commute a long ways and if they have a better solution like a flying car that you're all ears. Then say this is no longer up for discussion. 
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  • I wonder if your mom is feeling like, "well, you're the one who moved, so if you want to see me, you can drive." 

    I had that feeling a little bit after my parents left for AZ from IL about 10 years ago.  I graduated in May, my dad moved in July, and my mom was down there by Thanksgiving the same year.  They kept asking for a while when I was going to come down.  Well, I am a poor, entry-level worker who can't even afford an apartment, AND you're the one who moved 1700 miles away, so if you want to see me, then you can come up here.


  • Sugargirl1019Sugargirl1019 Deep in the Heart of Texas member
    500 Love Its 1000 Comments Second Anniversary First Answer
    I have had to be understanding of my MIL, so I can see both sides. I would just reaffirm that the location is good for both of your jobs and schools? For kids? And so on. Logic. And fairness to both of you.

    DH moved to Dallas for his job. Well, my parents house is close to his job, and we accepted a generous offer from my parents to live there while our house was being built. Our new house is even closer to his job. MIL was upset that we didn't rent an apartment inbetween my parents and them, that we were choosing my family and excluding his and removing them from our life. She was dramatic and whiney! But we had to reiterate to her the logic behind our choice in location (and besides, even if she DID have the room to have us stay with her, it adds another 45 minutes to DHs commute. F that shit).

    As for commuting, you might have to make plans to visit her at least once a month. (DH visits his mom every other weekend, and I come if I'm off). You have to help her believe that you moved far away because of logic not because you don't love her.

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  • I get comments too sometimes because my old house was about 35 min away but I sold it and moved in to FI's house which is 45 min away.  My mom all but refuses to drive on the interstate so these commutes are even further for her.  She resents me moving further away and  more importantly moving in with FI before being married (and the plans were in the works before engaged).  I think once we are actually married she will calm down a bit although I don't expect frequent visits.  The other thing is my brother is about 10 min from them and has a daughter so they see them all the time but it would be more of a production to see me should we ever have a kid.
  • flantasticflantastic The Midwest member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers

    "Mom, if you're truly unhappy with how much you get to see us, you can always visit. If you want us to always be the ones to travel, that's fine, but you have to accept how often we can and do choose to make that trip. This is where we live, because that's what's best for our family."

    - H, hopefully preempting whining about how MIL wishes she could see her future grandbabies as much as the current ones.

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  • OP I could have written this myself.

     3 years ago I moved in with FI about 45 mins away from my parents house. They have been to the house a grand total of 3 times, and only because I guilt trip them into letting me host Thanksgiving every year. It's "too far to drive" yet they drive an hour and a half to the family cottage every single weekend.

     I hold a whole hell of a lot of resentment about it. 
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  • I would love for my son to be 45 minutes away...Hell I'd love for him to be in the same country....screw that same continent.   My oldest joined the Navy, got stationed for his first tour in Greece. He is home for 30 days, then off to Naples, Italy for 2 more years. So, you know what...I'd kill for 45 minutes.

    But this is what he wanted to do, this is his life, not mine. As his mom I fully support what makes him happy. So 29 days from now I will put him on that plane and start Skyping all over again. We can't control other people and their emotions and actions, only ourselves. Every time she brings up the negative, shut her down. Tell her that you are not having this conversation, and get off the phone. She is free to visit you more often, and then let it go. Stop engaging and your stress will start to reduce.
    CMGragain
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