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Upset about the planning process

coolcellochickcoolcellochick member
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in Wedding Woes
So my boyfriend of three years proposed and I was so happy to say yes!! It was a great day! :) I love looking at my beautiful ring and I love the fact that we will get to build our own family.

Now, the planning part has me upset. I have no money and no family support. I do not speak to my dad's side of the family or my dad because they are toxic people (he has a lot of problems and was mentally and emotionally abusive). My mother has terminal breast cancer, but is in relatively good health, and has begun to insult my fiancé and his family as of recently (even though she has never met them-we are getting them together after Christmas). She is supporting my 23 year old brother who refuses to work more than 2 days a week, and is now telling me I "have" to put him in the wedding party. My brother has a lot of the behaviors my dad has, and dates a girl who is a nurse and called my mom the "c*nt with cancer". I have a few uncles, a grandma, and some cousins. 
My finance's family is huge and comes from decent money. I do not want to take money from them because I feel like they will dictate everything to me. I want it to be OUR day.
I am fine with doing an afternoon reception and ordered a simple dress. I am just upset. I feel like this is supposed to be fun and it's just depressing and sad. I also don't make a lot of money (I am a teacher). Any advice??
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Re: Upset about the planning process

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    thejucheideathejucheidea member
    First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    Elope.

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    Knottie84307448Knottie84307448 member
    First Comment
    Agreed. Elope. Be happy and married to the love of your life :)
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    yogablossomyogablossom member
    5 Love Its First Anniversary First Comment Name Dropper
    I am sorry to hear about how planning your wedding has been sad and depressing. You're right--it shouldn't be!

    Do you have to get married right away? If you and your fiance waited a bit, would you be able to save enough money between the two of you to have the kind of wedding you've been hoping for, without using money that may be offered to you?

    You aren't required to have your brother in the wedding party. It's your position to choose who you want to be up there with you. Do NOT feel obligated to ask him.  If you WANT to have him involved, maybe ask him to do a reading or something?

    Good luck! I am sure things will work out!
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    VarunaTTVarunaTT member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its First Answer
    You've got some red flags for yourself going on here.

    First of all, your mother's family is toxic as well.  I'd suggest distancing yourself and putting some firm boundaries on those relationships.  I know mom has breast cancer; cancer doesn't give you the right to be a dick about things not related to your cancer.  "I'm not discussing this with you" over and over, and leaving if necessary to reinforce those issues, including brother in the wedding party.

    Secondly: why the slam on FI's famiily?  Is there some sort of bad relationship there?  I mean, just being from a big family with money, to me, doesn't automatically mean dictators.  And if they are dictators, are you sure about marrying into it?  Does FI run interference on this stuff?

    Finally:  There just seems to be a lot between "I love being engaged" to "wedding planning sucks".  I realize in a post you can't give us every little detail, but something just seems to be missing.
    �
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    zitiqueenzitiqueen member
    First Answer First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment
    coolcellochick said:
    So my boyfriend of three years proposed and I was so happy to say yes!! It was a great day! :) I love looking at my beautiful ring and I love the fact that we will get to build our own family.

    Now, the planning part has me upset. I have no money and no family support. I do not speak to my dad's side of the family or my dad because they are toxic people (he has a lot of problems and was mentally and emotionally abusive). My mother has terminal breast cancer, but is in relatively good health, and has begun to insult my fiancé and his family as of recently (even though she has never met them-we are getting them together after Christmas). She is supporting my 23 year old brother who refuses to work more than 2 days a week, and is now telling me I "have" to put him in the wedding party. My brother has a lot of the behaviors my dad has, and dates a girl who is a nurse and called my mom the "c*nt with cancer". I have a few uncles, a grandma, and some cousins. 
    My finance's family is huge and comes from decent money. I do not want to take money from them because I feel like they will dictate everything to me. I want it to be OUR day.
    I am fine with doing an afternoon reception and ordered a simple dress. I am just upset. I feel like this is supposed to be fun and it's just depressing and sad. I also don't make a lot of money (I am a teacher). Any advice??
    Has his family offered you money for the wedding?
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    MesmrEweMesmrEwe member
    First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its Name Dropper

    I hear Vegas is nice!  Otherwise, elope locally..  Invite the key players, have only the two witnesses as part of your wedding party, and focus on the marriage not the wedding.  So far you've only talked about YOUR side, you need to sit down and talk with your FIL's and find out what their expectations are and their thoughts on things with an open not expecting/asking for a penny mind. 

    IMO, if they(future IL's) do choose to contribute, so what if they dictate to you a few things if they contribute money, it's not like you have to use a particular bridal shop for your dress, particular officiant, etc..  Does it really matter if you have a kosher meal when what you otherwise only could have only afforded hotdogs and cake?  There are FAR bigger things in life and assume the attitude "if they're paying for it, let them choose!" it'll be one less detail you have to stress over!!!

    When I got married, I wasn't coming from means and if we'd have had the wedding down by my family it'd cost about a third for the same size event.  But, we had it up by my IL's because of LFIL's health and I'd have only wished looking back that I'd have listened to my SIL and "Just hired it out" (the IL's were willing to pay whatever and I even made my FIL who was known for being "thrifty" to make an entire building at work spit coffee out their nose when he uttered the words "I don't want her to make me look cheap!" because NO ONE had ever thought that day would come!.. 

    Plan the wedding you can afford, recognize you're marrying into a close family which has a set of expectations all its own.  Yes, invite them all if all you have is cake and punch.  Anything more is bonus.  Focus on planning the marriage instead!!!

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