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Annoyed!

My FI has his company party today.  He may be hosting an afterparty at his / our place, and will 'let me know' if I can come.  

I haven't fully moved in there (I don't want to leave my mom all alone so soon after my dad died, so we spent about 25% of the time at my moms place and the rest we live at his), but we buy furniture and food together, I cook and clean like it's my own place, and I can't go home after work because he's having an afterparty?!

I don't want to crash the party, I just want to go home, take a shower and watch Netflix.  I can do that without bothering his co workers.

Sorry for the rant, am I over reacting?  

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Re: Annoyed!

  • Nope not one bit.  I'd let him know your feelings and tell him the truth.  If it's a place you're both paying rent for and you've both agreed is BOTH of your main residences, you BOTH live there! He can have friends over, but he has to realize it's not just HIS place anymore it's both of yours, which means if he wants to have people over - check to see if it's ok with you and let you know - NOT whether or not 'you'll be invited.'  That's just not cool.  
  • hellosweetie1015hellosweetie1015 Where the skies are so blue
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    Yeah... I'd let him know that whether or not you can come to his party, doesn't determine whether or not you can come home. 

    Also - if somebody threw a party in my home that I lived in 75% of the time and told me I wasn't "invited" I'd be having a frank talk about what the word "invited" meant and that you can't be "invited" or "not invited" to your own home. Tough luck, charlie.
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  • plainjane0415plainjane0415 The hills of Tennessee
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    Yea in my opinion that's not ok at all. I can't believe he said that he would let you know if you could come or not! What are you supposed to do? Drive around all night? I just don't think that's right.
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  • So, I do think this is a problem, but you can't really go home, shower, and Netflix while he hosts an after party. I mean, it'd be weird if you were just stealth chilling in the bedroom and maybe he doesn't want to come back late and wake you?

    Do you pay rent? Are you really living with him or do you just want to be?
  • You shouldn't need permission or an invitation to go to your own home. That's crazy talk.

    If anyone should ask anyone anything it should be him. He should have asked if you cared that he host a party in your home, just as a courtesy. 
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    novella1186holyguacamole79RebeccaB88
  • That would piss me off so bad. If FI tried to tell me he'd "let me know" whether or not I could come home because he might throw a party, I would let him know to fuck off. 
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  • MadHops21MadHops21 Buried in blankets
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    I don't know your living situation (if you both pay rent, if he pays and you stay there, etc.) but I'd be sooooooooooooooo furious. If you have to be invited to come inside your own home, there's something messed up. 
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  • AddieCakeAddieCake Beyond the Wall
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    I don't think I would want to be there if he was having a party anyway. I mean, I would if I felt like being at the party, but I would feel weird otherwise. You want to shower and go into the bedroom and watch TV while others are in the living area? Won't you feel trapped in there like you can't go out? 
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
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  • I think the main issue is HOW he told you.  I host book club a few times a year.  My husband hosts poker nights every once in awhile.  These are special nights that we enjoy having the place to ourselves.  It would make everyone uncomfortable if they knew that he was locked away in the bedroom while we took over the apartment.  We always let the other know far in advance and and the other just makes other plans.  

    I totally think it makes sense to let him know that it bothers you that he didn't discuss the plans with you first.  But in the end I don't think its the end of the world for him to want to have a work afterparty.  I would just make other plans, let him know you will be home at X time and if people are still there you plan on joining in the fun! 
  • anjemonanjemon Minnie and Paul (MN)
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    AddieCake said:
    I don't think I would want to be there if he was having a party anyway. I mean, I would if I felt like being at the party, but I would feel weird otherwise. You want to shower and go into the bedroom and watch TV while others are in the living area? Won't you feel trapped in there like you can't go out? 
    I think this depends on the level of "not invited" she feels. 

    My FI hosts a monthly Dnd-ish game with his friends. We have a 2 bedroom condo and they play in the big kitchen/dining room/living room area. I really like being around even though I'm not in the game. I mostly hang in the 2nd room and play on my computer. But sometimes I come out for food and the guys tell me about their adventures. I would even go to bed when I had to be up early and they were still playing. Not weird for me me to be hanging on the outskirts because they didn't mind if I was there.  If she is hiding in her own home that's totally different.

    I also sympathize because I have a strange living situation. I pay rent on my own place and FI owns his condo. But my friend just moved into my room in my apartment and has my keys. So now I don't pay rent at one place where I spend 100% of my time, but if I needed to not be there I would have to make arrangements to get into my own place. I know I would still be super unhappy if FI told me I wasn't allowed to be at his place for any reason. If he wants the space to be his and decide what to do with it, we would need to reevaluate our living situation. Because I need to feel secure there. 
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  • lyndausvilyndausvi Western Slope, Colorado
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    AddieCake said:
    I don't think I would want to be there if he was having a party anyway. I mean, I would if I felt like being at the party, but I would feel weird otherwise. You want to shower and go into the bedroom and watch TV while others are in the living area? Won't you feel trapped in there like you can't go out? 
    yeah if I still had a room back at my mom's I would be definitely going there instead.


    DH basically lived with me for a year, but had another place he was renting.  I still considered it my place until he moved in 100%.  I didn't have a problem at all saying "hey, I'm having people over, I would prefer if you stayed at the other place tonight".  Yes, he spent most of his time at my place, but I was still paying the bills, not him. So it was my place.    He was like 'sure".   He had no desire to lock himself in the room when I was having a girls night when he had another place he could just hangout.


    Not sure what your situation is though. 






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  • AddieCakeAddieCake Beyond the Wall
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    anjemon said:
    AddieCake said:
    I don't think I would want to be there if he was having a party anyway. I mean, I would if I felt like being at the party, but I would feel weird otherwise. You want to shower and go into the bedroom and watch TV while others are in the living area? Won't you feel trapped in there like you can't go out? 
    I think this depends on the level of "not invited" she feels. 

    My FI hosts a monthly Dnd-ish game with his friends. We have a 2 bedroom condo and they play in the big kitchen/dining room/living room area. I really like being around even though I'm not in the game. I mostly hang in the 2nd room and play on my computer. But sometimes I come out for food and the guys tell me about their adventures. I would even go to bed when I had to be up early and they were still playing. Not weird for me me to be hanging on the outskirts because they didn't mind if I was there.  If she is hiding in her own home that's totally different.


    I agree, but she said she WANTS to just go home, shower, and watch TV, not be at the party. So if that's the case, I don't get wanting to do that there with a party going on. I'd rather go to my mom's. 
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
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  • flantasticflantastic The Midwest
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    This definitely would piss me off, and I was/am possessive of my space before H moved in.

    If you live there, you are also hosting the party, even if you don't spend much time in the party itself, and he needed to ask if you were okay with having that happen in your living space, and then be okay with you being present if you want to be. The man may need his expectations of cohabiting adjusted.

    If you don't live there (in his view), you need to know that, and what his reasons are.

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  • lovegood90lovegood90 Ontario
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    Ugh, that wouldn't fly with me either. If you both pay rent then the place is equally yours; IMO he should do more than "let you know."

    BF hosted an unofficial after party after his work Xmas party last yr. I was slightly annoyed because I spent the weekends there and just wanted to go to bed. I didn't say anything though because it wasn't my apartment. This year though, now that we actually have a place together (split all rent, groceries, utilities, etc) we know we need to run these things by each other.

    So yeah I think that's kinda bs that you can't go to your own home when you want, what the heck?

    Formerly martha1818

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  • Yeah, I would be really pissed if H said that to me. Mostly because "he will let you know" if you're invited. When will he decide? Things like this should be planned out in advance. 
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  • Your FI is not hosting the afterparty.  Given that you are engaged and living together, you are both hosting the afterparty.
    I suspect there may be strippers at this event?
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  • ashley8918ashley8918 Chicago Suburbs
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    AddieCake said:
    CMGragain said:
    Your FI is not hosting the afterparty.  Given that you are engaged and living together, you are both hosting the afterparty.
    I suspect there may be strippers at this event?

    Where on earth do you get the idea there will be strippers?
    Whoa. What a fucking jump! I'm with Addie. Please do elaborate.
  • mikenbergermikenberger In a f'n cornfield
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    CMGragain said:

    Your FI is not hosting the afterparty.  Given that you are engaged and living together, you are both hosting the afterparty.
    I suspect there may be strippers at this event?

    Stick to the etiquette boards.

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  • levioosalevioosa Southern California
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    Yeah, I would be pissed.  Mostly because of the attitude with which it was delivered.  There's a big difference between "I'm still deciding" with no prior notification and "hey, I'm having a guy's poker night this Friday and you might want to make alternate plans."  If you pay rent and live there, it's pretty disrespectful to give you that type of attitude, especially on such short notice.   


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  • I would be pissed, I would have a talk with him, and I would seriously question why the man I'm engaged to and planning to spend the rest of my life with doesn't want me at his after party....

  • AddieCakeAddieCake Beyond the Wall
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    OP has yet to clarify if she pays rent there.
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
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    ashley8918
  • I might be annoyed at how he worded it, but the fact that you worded it as "his place" twice says a lot.

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  • AddieCake said:
    CMGragain said:
    Your FI is not hosting the afterparty.  Given that you are engaged and living together, you are both hosting the afterparty.
    I suspect there may be strippers at this event?

    Where on earth do you get the idea there will be strippers?
    Whoa. What a fucking jump! I'm with Addie. Please do elaborate.
    This is not a Van Wilder movie. I doubt there are strippers involved. Don't make the OP feel worse when she doesn't have to.
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  • ashley8918ashley8918 Chicago Suburbs
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    So, do you actually live there, or do you just stay there a lot?

    The way he worded it is moderately annoying, but if you don't actually live there, I don't think it's all that bad.

    H and I moved in together pretty quickly, but before that I slept at his house more nights than not. I even had a drawer full of my shit. But I would have NEVER considered it my place at that point. It was my place when he asked me to move in, I brought all my belongings, and I started paying rent/bills.
  • CMGragain said:
    Your FI is not hosting the afterparty.  Given that you are engaged and living together, you are both hosting the afterparty.
    I suspect there may be strippers at this event?
    You act like a damn fool sometimes. 
    ashley8918mikenbergerDaniBiteslovegood90
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