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Considering not technically eloping

wolfrozewolfroze member
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in Wedding Party
SO and I have everything but the date figured out for our May wedding. The venue is 4 hours and 45 minutes away. We had planned originally to elope and have a huge party when we came home. The reason for that is because I don't want a big wedding. He was disappointed but didn't want to force me into a wedding. He is now on board with eloping. I don't want him to resent our wedding because his parents weren't there to share the moment; so recently I told him we could try to compromise with parents and very few friends.  Our elopement package still allows for a maximum of ten guests. My question is should we invite them to a one hour event 4 hours and 45 minutes away in the first place? It's a long drive and we wouldn't be paying for anyone's trip. It isn't to be rude, we just can't afford everything we're doing and then paying for their trips and meals. I think I'm making this more complicated than it really is.
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Re: Considering not technically eloping

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    wolfrozewolfroze member
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    It's only going to be a short ceremony. I don't see it lasting longer than an hour, or even half an hour. I thought about doing a family dinner afterwords.
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    zitiqueenzitiqueen member
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    Why don't you get married closer to them if it's only going to be a 10-minute ceremony? What's so special about this place that's 5 hours away?
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    wolfrozewolfroze member
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    It's also where we're having our honeymoon. We have a cabin, spa package, and horseback riding trip together and some other things to do during our stay. The original plan was to elope with no guests at all.
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    doeydodoeydo member
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    wolfroze said:
    It's also where we're having our honeymoon. We have a cabin, spa package, and horseback riding trip together and some other things to do during our stay. The original plan was to elope with no guests at all.
    So, can't you just get married where you and your family live and then go off to your honeymoon?
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    wolfrozewolfroze member
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    I suggested that to SO. I love the county we live in, it's so beautiful. But there's no where here he would like to get married. Two things we agree on are to not have it in a church and we want it outside. The elopement is still fine. I just would like to have at least part of his dream wedding. I'm trying to see if a friend would get ordained and marry us locally. Then we could go off. But it still doesn't work if we don't have a venue.
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    wolfrozewolfroze member
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    I think we could budget in a family dinner
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    CMGragainCMGragain member
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    edited December 2014
    You are not eloping.  You are planning a small destination wedding.  This means that you must host your guests with a meal after the ceremony.  To not do this is horribly rude!
    You are not supposed to pay for your guests transportation and hotel costs.

    If you are still planning a big celebration party at a later date, remember that this will NOT be a part of your wedding.
    httpiimgurcomTCCjW0wjpg
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    jacques27jacques27 member
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    I'm confused.  Are you having a big party after your honeymoon then anyway?  Because that's the expensive part, not the ceremony.

    Anyone who is witnessing your ceremony must be properly hosted afterward.  That is not optional.  So budget it and cut other things, like spas, if you have to.

    Also, you invite people to your ceremony because they are the people you are close to who you want witnessing your ceremony, not because you think they will be okay with a long drive.  So, if he wants those people there, you invite them.  Period.  Then they get to make the decision as to whether or not they want to make the drive to be there.  You don't decide that for them preemptively by not inviting them figuring they wouldn't want to make the drive.

    However, if you know that traveling and paying for accommodations will be a hardship for them (because it's probably not realistic to expect them to drive 9.5 hours round trip in one day), then you need to decide what is more important - them being there or you getting married in that one specific spot.  I find it hard to believe that there is nowhere else to hold a small outdoor ceremony within a 4 hour and 44 minute radius of you - a city or state park? Garden? Conservatory? Arboretum? Marina? City plaza? Gazebo? Backyard? An outdoor patio at a restaurant?  A river bank or beach at a lake?  Start thinking outside the box.

    Pretty much your only options at this point are:
    1. Get married where your honeymoon will be, negotiate a group hotel rate for them if you can, host them properly at a restaurant after your ceremony, and be comfortable with the fact that maybe not everyone can afford to attend and will decline.  If you decide this, I would make that decision asap so people can save up for travel expenses and put in for time off from their job if necessary - May isn't that far away.

    2.  Find a spot close by, get married in the morning or afternoon, host them to brunch or lunch somewhere or just cake and punch if it's a non-meal time, and then leave immediately afterward.

    3.  Elope and learn to be comfortable with your decision.
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    JoanE2012JoanE2012 member
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    wolfroze said:
    SO and I have everything but the date figured out for our May wedding. The venue is 4 hours and 45 minutes away. We had planned originally to elope and have a huge party when we came home. The reason for that is because I don't want a big wedding. He was disappointed but didn't want to force me into a wedding. He is now on board with eloping. I don't want him to resent our wedding because his parents weren't there to share the moment; so recently I told him we could try to compromise with parents and very few friends.  Our elopement package still allows for a maximum of ten guests. My question is should we invite them to a one hour event 4 hours and 45 minutes away in the first place? It's a long drive and we wouldn't be paying for anyone's trip. It isn't to be rude, we just can't afford everything we're doing and then paying for their trips and meals. I think I'm making this more complicated than it really is.
    I don't understand this line of thought.  You don't want to have a big wedding, but you want to have a big party?  So you just don't want people seeing the actual ceremony?

    No matter what you do, if you have people at the ceremony, you need to provide a meal, on you, afterwards.
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    MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot member
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    wolfroze said:
    I think we could budget in a family dinner
    Then you're fine. You are under no obligation to pay for everyone to travel to the wedding. Just host them for a meal after the ceremony and you're in good shape. They're on their own for gas money and hotel if they need it.

    If your budget is tight, skip the party when you get home. It's totally unnecessary and a waste of money. Plus, it's is sort of gauche to invite people to a consolation prize party when they aren't invited to the action wedding, so you save some embarrassment. 
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    Blue_BirdBlue_Bird member
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    wolfroze said:

    I think we could budget in a family dinner

    As long as the family dinner also includes the friends you said you'd invite, this is fine.
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    auriannaaurianna member
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    Blue_Bird said:
    I think we could budget in a family dinner
    As long as the family dinner also includes the friends you said you'd invite, this is fine.
    And as long as every guest's significant other is invited.
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    rcher912rcher912 member
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    As a guest, I'd definitely drive that long if I'm close enough to be one of 10 people invited. That said, I definitely think some kind of hang-out/dinner/something is in order, if you can manage it at all. Even if it's just parents, and you don't get all the way to ten - do what you can afford, and what you can agree on. (Note: I agree about SO's, though, I wouldn't drive that far if my FI wasn't invited.)


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    fwtx5815fwtx5815 member
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    One of my college advisors eloped a few years back. She and her (now) husband stood outside of the Alamo and had their friend who was an ordained minister marry them before they were shooed away by the staff. The Alamo is not a wedding venue.
    My point is you can elope almost anywhere. Do it locally, host the guests properly - no matter how few - and then enjoy your honeymoon.

    ----


     fka dallasbetch 


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    esstee33esstee33 member
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    dallasbetch said:
    One of my college advisors eloped a few years back. She and her (now) husband stood outside of the Alamo and had their friend who was an ordained minister marry them before they were shooed away by the staff. The Alamo is not a wedding venue. My point is you can elope almost anywhere. Do it locally, host the guests properly - no matter how few - and then enjoy your honeymoon.
    Adding to this, some states even have self-uniting marriages, so you don't need an officiant at all, just a couple witnesses!

    OP, if you're going to have a big party later to celebrate your marriage, you're totally missing the point. The party is the expensive part, not the ceremony. Anyone you invite to witness your ceremony, wherever it may be, must be hosted at a reception immediately after. It doesn't have to be some huge shindig -- it can just be cake and punch, or lunch at a local restaurant. But you have to host something for them as a thank you for coming to your ceremony. 

    I really think you need to get on the same page as your FI about what you both actually want, though. If you think he's going to regret not having his family there, it may be better to have a small ceremony -- just family and very close friends -- at home, then a small reception of cake and punch or whatever, and then go off on your honeymoon. That's an actual compromise. Eloping doesn't seem to be much of a compromise when it's clearly not what he wants and he's agreeing to it just because it's what you want. Figure out which option is best for both of you, because you only get one shot to do this thing. 
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