• Images
  • Text
  • Find a Couple + Registry
GO
Pre-wedding Parties

Wedding Shower Woes

Our mothers keep insisting we have a shower, we don't want any gifts.  We live together currently, and have both lived alone prior.  We currently have 2 of many things and don't want a third, but they think we need "our" stuff rather than "his" and "hers".  We want to ask for gift cards, but we've been told that's rude.  Are there any other options or should I just not have a wedding shower?
«1

Re: Wedding Shower Woes

  • Here's the thing, moms love making showers and it is part of the fun of making the wedding.  It is a small pleasure that moms get.  Be gracious, accept the shower, thank the gift givers with appropriate notes then return everything you don't want/need.  If you register in a store like Macy's you get gift cards to use however and whenever.  Many gift givers are aware that the gifts get returned.  Let your moms have their fun.  I loved every minute of the planning for each shower I made for my daughter and daughter-in-law.  I would have hated to miss out on those parties.
  • NYCMercedesNYCMercedes BOS, NYC, DC. Forever a city girl member
    Sixth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Here's the thing, moms love making showers and it is part of the fun of making the wedding.  It is a small pleasure that moms get.  Be gracious, accept the shower, thank the gift givers with appropriate notes then return everything you don't want/need.  If you register in a store like Macy's you get gift cards to use however and whenever.  Many gift givers are aware that the gifts get returned.  Let your moms have their fun.  I loved every minute of the planning for each shower I made for my daughter and daughter-in-law.  I would have hated to miss out on those parties.

    As a mom, how could you go against your daughter's wishes? My job is to make my kids happy, not to use them for my entertainment. You have given very poor advice @Lauderdale Pink
    GordonGoesBazewrigleyvillecharcoalandblushYogaSandy
  • I think we will just opt out of having a shower, I would love to be able to have a get together with all the ladies in my life to celebrate this moment, but it's not financially responsible on our part to have a wedding that big. My fiance and I are paying for our own wedding, and we are perfectly okay with that. This may sound horrible but I don't want to spend the time returning items that I don't need to begin with, if I needed stuff and got multiple sets of the same item it would be different. Thank you @NYCMercedes‌ and @MobKaz‌. What are your thoughts on a honeymoon fund? Does that fall into the same boat as asking for gift cards/cash? I'm looking for ideas! Thank you again!!
    MairePoppycharcoalandblush
  • @Jen4948‌ Thank you also!!
    MairePoppyJen4948
  • Blue_BirdBlue_Bird Bawlmer member
    Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 500 Comments First Answer
    edited January 2015
    I think we will just opt out of having a shower, I would love to be able to have a get together with all the ladies in my life to celebrate this moment, but it's not financially responsible on our part to have a wedding that big. My fiance and I are paying for our own wedding, and we are perfectly okay with that. This may sound horrible but I don't want to spend the time returning items that I don't need to begin with, if I needed stuff and got multiple sets of the same item it would be different. Thank you @NYCMercedes‌ and @MobKaz‌. What are your thoughts on a honeymoon fund? Does that fall into the same boat as asking for gift cards/cash? I'm looking for ideas! Thank you again!!
    The first bolded: That's not horrible. It would be silly (and actually rude in my opinion) to have a shower knowing beforehand that you weren't going to keep any of the gifts.

    The second bolded: Yes, a honeymoon fund is the same as asking for cash. As others have stated, if you do nor register, others will most likely give you cash and checks, and they won't be burdened by hidden fees or duped into thinking they're giving you an actual gift when they're actually just giving you money (Honeymoon Fund).

    Edited for spelling.
    GordonGoesBazecharcoalandblushlevioosa
  • plainjane0415plainjane0415 The hills of Tennessee member
    500 Love Its 1000 Comments First Anniversary Name Dropper
    Here's the thing, moms love making showers and it is part of the fun of making the wedding.  It is a small pleasure that moms get.  Be gracious, accept the shower, thank the gift givers with appropriate notes then return everything you don't want/need.  If you register in a store like Macy's you get gift cards to use however and whenever.  Many gift givers are aware that the gifts get returned.  Let your moms have their fun.  I loved every minute of the planning for each shower I made for my daughter and daughter-in-law.  I would have hated to miss out on those parties.
    It's fine if you want to give this shower, but if your daughter doesn't want it and you throw her one anyway, that creates a huge headache for her if she has to end up returning a bunch of gifts.  This is not good advice.  As far as the bolded statement, I've never heard that people think the gifts are returned.  Why would you buy a gift if you went into it thinking, O, well this is getting returned, better spend $100 bucks on it! That's absurd.
    image
    charcoalandblush
  • mikenbergermikenberger In a f'n cornfield member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its First Anniversary First Answer
    What about a Ladies Luncheon or something like that. Just do NOT call it a shower. Shower implies gifts. But if you have a luncheon of some sort, wouldn't that be more appropriate? And would give the mothers something to host. That is, if they could stop from calling it a shower. But if you do get a gift, just accept it and send a thank you note promptly afterwards. And do not open it there. Open it at home.

    Help me out here OMHs :)

    image
    [Deleted User]
  • MobKazMobKaz Chicago suburbs member
    Eighth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    What about a Ladies Luncheon or something like that. Just do NOT call it a shower. Shower implies gifts. But if you have a luncheon of some sort, wouldn't that be more appropriate? And would give the mothers something to host. That is, if they could stop from calling it a shower. But if you do get a gift, just accept it and send a thank you note promptly afterwards. And do not open it there. Open it at home.

    Help me out here OMHs :)
    This could work, but the attitude of these particular moms worries me a bit.  When I think ladies luncheon, I picture a much more intimate event.  It doesn't sound like these moms are looking for intimate. 

    After speaking with my daughter, I did host a spa day for her bridal party and her aunts.  Many of her BM's are long time friends that grew up together, and I know many of them very well.  It was very easy to host without the focus being on me as the hostess.  Everyone had a great time. 
  • NYCMercedesNYCMercedes BOS, NYC, DC. Forever a city girl member
    Sixth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    OMH says yes, @mikenberger‌ ! OP, you'll get cash for the wedding gifts anyway, so no need to register for a honeymoon fund.
  • MairePoppyMairePoppy Connecticut mod
    Moderator Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its

    You may politely decline the shower. Honeymoon registry is the same as asking for cash; don't do it.

     If your moms are determined to host something, why not an after the wedding brunch, rd, bridal luncheon, welcome party, RD?


                
  • esstee33esstee33 Pittsburgh member
    Ninth Anniversary 1000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    Here's the thing, moms love making showers and it is part of the fun of making the wedding.  It is a small pleasure that moms get.  Be gracious, accept the shower, thank the gift givers with appropriate notes then return everything you don't want/need.  If you register in a store like Macy's you get gift cards to use however and whenever.  Many gift givers are aware that the gifts get returned.  Let your moms have their fun.  I loved every minute of the planning for each shower I made for my daughter and daughter-in-law.  I would have hated to miss out on those parties.
    It's fine if you want to give this shower, but if your daughter doesn't want it and you throw her one anyway, that creates a huge headache for her if she has to end up returning a bunch of gifts.  This is not good advice.  As far as the bolded statement, I've never heard that people think the gifts are returned.  Why would you buy a gift if you went into it thinking, O, well this is getting returned, better spend $100 bucks on it! That's absurd.

    Cosigning this. 

    Also why in the hell would anyone bother going through the massive hassle of registering if they're operating under the assumption that they're going to return the items they pick out for cash anyway? WTF? What an absurd waste of time and energy. 
    image
  • edited January 2015
    To all the above, A) if the couple is a bit more forward thinking, then they will be mature enough to register for things they will ultimately need (coffee pots break, linens thin, and even good cookware needs to be replaced; b) As I said originally, some MOB/MOGs really enjoy making showers and ladies like to attend, it is not a tragedy for a bride to give up one afternoon of her life to give the moms a little pleasure c) A gracious social event, prior to the wedding is a chance for some of the guests to meet before the event, so they have someone familiar when the wedding arrives.  Back in the "stone age" when living together was the exception rather than the rule, starting a new life did mean finally living under the same roof.  Beginning a new life with new co-owned possessions is not necessarily a negative thing.  You could even keep the new things and donate the his/hers to a local charity/thrift store.

  • MobKazMobKaz Chicago suburbs member
    Eighth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    To all the above, A) if the couple is a bit more forward thinking, then they will be mature enough to register for things they will ultimately need (coffee pots break, linens thin, and even good cookware needs to be replaced; b) As I said originally, some MOB/MOGs really enjoy making showers and ladies like to attend, it is not a tragedy for a bride to give up one afternoon of her life to give the moms a little pleasure c) A gracious social event, prior to the wedding is a chance for some of the guests to meet before the event, so they have someone familiar when the wedding arrives.  Back in the "stone age" when living together was the exception rather than the rule, starting a new life did mean finally living under the same roof.  Beginning a new life with new co-owned possessions is not necessarily a negative thing.  You could even keep the new things and donate the his/hers to a local charity/thrift store.

    No disrespect, but for someone who promotes "forward thinking", this logic couldn't be more backwards. 

    My son and his wife are very much forward thinkers.  They are minimalists who don't feel a need to have things just for the sake of having things.  They are mature enough to know that to ask for things they do not need is wasteful.  They are mature enough to share their properties, whether they are co-owned or not.  They did not go around marking their belongings with a Sharpie. 

    As I have said before, the shower is NOT about the MOB/MOG.  My daughter and son offer their time when they can.  The last thing I would want to do is FORCE them to do something they have no interest in....THAT would be a tragedy.  We have always had a rule that we did not feel compelled to celebrate any given occasion on the ACTUAL day.  I would much rather celebrate something when it's convenient for everyone, and no one is feeling pressed for time or looking at their watch.  The celebration is much more enjoyable then. 
    [Deleted User]esstee33charcoalandblushlevioosa





  • .  We have always had a rule that we did not feel compelled to celebrate any given occasion on the ACTUAL day.  I would much rather celebrate something when it's convenient for everyone, and no one is feeling pressed for time or looking at their watch.  The celebration is much more enjoyable then. 
    No disrespect taken, but what does the above have to do with anything?
  • MobKazMobKaz Chicago suburbs member
    Eighth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    edited January 2015





    .  We have always had a rule that we did not feel compelled to celebrate any given occasion on the ACTUAL day.  I would much rather celebrate something when it's convenient for everyone, and no one is feeling pressed for time or looking at their watch.  The celebration is much more enjoyable then. 
    No disrespect taken, but what does the above have to do with anything?
    You had said, " it is not a tragedy for a bride to give up one afternoon of her life to give the moms a little pleasure"  It is very presumptous for anyone to assume how "giving up one afternoon" may impact someone.  The bride has already made it clear that she does not wish to give up any of her time for a shower that her MOTHER wants to host. It is clear the bride, the guest of honor, will take no enjoyment from this shower.   Who is this shower really about?  It sounds to me as if these mothers are being incredibly selfish and thoughtless.  I repeat again......it is NOT about THEM.
    esstee33Jen4948charcoalandblushYogaSandy
  • I would be livid beyond words if I found out that someone put on such a charade of registering and having a shower, only to return everything. That would be a friendship-ending move in my book. If I was the host of the shower where the honoree had no intentions of keeping anything, it would be even worse. How despicably selfish. 

    OP, you're cool. Just decline the shower (in all forms - honeymoon funds being the worst offender). If the moms really need to host something out of an urge to introduce you to people who will be attending the wedding, a "meet the bride" tea would be appropriate. 

    image
    image
    LondonLisa[Deleted User]levioosa
  • I have pretty much determined no shower, because we are having a small wedding and the "shower"/dinner/tea would just to be able to celebrate with friends that we can't invite to the wedding.  My fiance and I are paying for our wedding so it would be financially irresponsible on our parts to try to have a 200 person wedding when we can't afford it.
    Thank you to everyone for your input!!
    Everyone invited to the shower MUST be invited to the wedding.  Everyone invited to ANY pre-wedding party (bachelorette, tea, shower, rehearsal dinner, engagement party) MUST be invited to the wedding.  So, a shower would NOT be to celebrate with friends you can't invite to the wedding.  You have backyard BBQs for that, not pre-wedding parties.
    esstee33
  • Agree. Showers aren't for everyone. I hate being the center of attention. It's going to be hard enough the day of the wedding, not to mention all the extra events. It's about what you want.
    GordonGoesBaze
  • Agree. Showers aren't for everyone. I hate being the center of attention. It's going to be hard enough the day of the wedding, not to mention all the extra events. It's about what you want.
    I'm an attention whore and LOVE being the center of attention.  But I hate showers.  I love giving (and getting) gifts, but I hate attending showers.  A shower is not a requirement for anybody.
  • flantasticflantastic The Midwest member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    To all the above, A) if the couple is a bit more forward thinking, then they will be mature enough to register for things they will ultimately need (coffee pots break, linens thin, and even good cookware needs to be replaced; b) As I said originally, some MOB/MOGs really enjoy making showers and ladies like to attend, it is not a tragedy for a bride to give up one afternoon of her life to give the moms a little pleasure c) A gracious social event, prior to the wedding is a chance for some of the guests to meet before the event, so they have someone familiar when the wedding arrives.  Back in the "stone age" when living together was the exception rather than the rule, starting a new life did mean finally living under the same roof.  Beginning a new life with new co-owned possessions is not necessarily a negative thing.  You could even keep the new things and donate the his/hers to a local charity/thrift store.

    Oh, the shower was not "one afternoon" given to my MIL's pleasure. It was a hassle and a half for months, and clear to everyone that it was way more about her than about me. I still have difficulty not resenting her because it made it clear to me that her modus operandi is to do things "for others" but without any actual thought to whether they'd enjoy it. I have literally no understanding of that perspective, much as I try. It would have been better for our relationship if I'd turned it down.

    Anniversary

    GordonGoesBazecharcoalandblush
  • I didn't want to start a new thread about showers:

    I’ve been invited to attend a bridal shower for a bride is getting married for the 2nd time.  She and her fiancé both have homes and grown children.  The only registry is a Honeyfund.  What am I supposed to bring to the shower?

  • mikenbergermikenberger In a f'n cornfield member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its First Anniversary First Answer
    edited February 2015
    I didn't want to start a new thread about showers:

    I’ve been invited to attend a bridal shower for a bride is getting married for the 2nd time.  She and her fiancé both have homes and grown children.  The only registry is a Honeyfund.  What am I supposed to bring to the shower?

    DECLINE THAT SHOWER INVITE. What is she going to do? Sit there and open up cards with receipts or cash? 


    Hell no. That's tacky as motherfucking fuck.

    image
    levioosa[Deleted User]MyNameIsNotchibiyui
  • MairePoppyMairePoppy Connecticut mod
    Moderator Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its

    No one should ask for cash as a shower/wedding gift. Very tacky. Did the hosts actually put Honeyfund on the shower invitations?

    If you want to attend the shower, buy a gift of your choice. I'd choose something monogrammed so it can't be returned for cash, but I'm a PITA like that. Or, you could buy a bottle of champagne, toasting flutes, something they might need for their honeymoon, such as beach towels, cosmetic case, travel guide,  luggage tags etc... 

    Or you could decline the invitation.

                
    charcoalandblush[Deleted User]YogaSandy
  • climbingwifeclimbingwife NYC 'burbs member
    10000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    I didn't want to start a new thread about showers:

    I’ve been invited to attend a bridal shower for a bride is getting married for the 2nd time.  She and her fiancé both have homes and grown children.  The only registry is a Honeyfund.  What am I supposed to bring to the shower?

    Decline. I was invited something very similar as well. 

«1
This discussion has been closed.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards