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I feel like an ass. (Totally ignorable vent)

My dad and I have had a pretty rough relationship recently; since I first moved back in with my parents last March. I've gotten vibes that he has some kind of issue with FI - although FI hasn't mentioned noticing it, and I'm obviously not going to - and it feels like all he ever says to me is some complaint about how I've failed as an adult or screwed up something or lost something of his or something.

Well, today, I got fed up. I spoke to him twice today - once on the phone when I got chewed out for the mess my sister made making a cake last night, and once after I got home when he demanded to know what I'd done with a roll of packing tape that he SWORE he'd seen in my hands last night. Last night I went upstairs to bed at six and didn't touch any tape. So I got fed up of feeling like a punching bag, and I cussed him out. Told him not to talk to me until he could be nice, and when he kept on I told him to "fucking leave me the hell alone".

He then tells me to go upstairs or somewhere out of my mom's bedroom where I'm visiting with her for a bit. I got even more pissed off, so I went upstairs and shut myself in FI and my bedroom.

Ten minutes later my mom calls me and says to come down, so I did. She asks if I can keep an important secret, and I think, oh god what's wrong, who is dying.

He picked up our first wedding present today. I was a total bitch to him (although frankly he's been asking for it for WEEKS) and he picked up our first wedding present. Something that cost at least $450, since my mom deposited that much into his account to help him pay for it.

You guys. I'm fucking crying. All I want is for him to be the dad he was when I was living in Auburn. I felt like I could go to him for anything then. I don't want him to buy us something ridiculously expensive. I just want my dad.
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Re: I feel like an ass. (Totally ignorable vent)

  • Do you pay rent? Can you move out?


    I think the solution is to move out. There aren't a lot of details so I can't really offer much else, besides telling him exactly what you told us. Parents don't really love to listen to their children, though. 
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  • larrygaga said:

    Do you pay rent? Can you move out?



    I think the solution is to move out. There aren't a lot of details so I can't really offer much else, besides telling him exactly what you told us. Parents don't really love to listen to their children, though. 
    We could in theory but we can't really afford to. I may talk to FI about crunching numbers soon but between wedding savings and student loans, it feels like it would just put too much stress.

    I really want to. So bad.
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  • I'm sorry :( I butt heads with my dad really bad too, and had to move in with my parents for a while after college because I couldn't find anything better than part-time, minimum wage jobs. Ugh. It was miserable and we fought a lot. But to be fair, I've ALWAYS had a shitty relationship with him. It sounds like you and your dad used to have a good relationship. Maybe you just need a break from each other. Could you go visit friends for a long weekend or something? I know that's not a real solution but maybe it will give you both some breathing room.
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  • I'm sorry :( I butt heads with my dad really bad too, and had to move in with my parents for a while after college because I couldn't find anything better than part-time, minimum wage jobs. Ugh. It was miserable and we fought a lot. But to be fair, I've ALWAYS had a shitty relationship with him. It sounds like you and your dad used to have a good relationship. Maybe you just need a break from each other. Could you go visit friends for a long weekend or something? I know that's not a real solution but maybe it will give you both some breathing room.

    We did. We always had a good relationship. I don't know what happened. I just want to fix it, but I don't know how. I can't handle feeling like I can't please him any more, and it feels like everything he says to me nowadays is either pissed off or disappointed. FI and I are going to his parents' this weekend. Maybe that will help.
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  • I'm sorry :( I butt heads with my dad really bad too, and had to move in with my parents for a while after college because I couldn't find anything better than part-time, minimum wage jobs. Ugh. It was miserable and we fought a lot. But to be fair, I've ALWAYS had a shitty relationship with him. It sounds like you and your dad used to have a good relationship. Maybe you just need a break from each other. Could you go visit friends for a long weekend or something? I know that's not a real solution but maybe it will give you both some breathing room.
    We did. We always had a good relationship. I don't know what happened. I just want to fix it, but I don't know how. I can't handle feeling like I can't please him any more, and it feels like everything he says to me nowadays is either pissed off or disappointed. FI and I are going to his parents' this weekend. Maybe that will help.
    I felt the same way. When I was in college my dad thought I was this brilliant amazing great person. I move back in with my parents and he has 0 kind things to say, and would straight-up tell me I was going to fail at everything I tried to do. He even told me I wasn't gonna make it through grad school (I have since graduated and got amazing grades all through my master's program). It really sucked.

    Like I said, we never had a good relationship, but it really wasn't normal for him to tell me shit like that. I feel like there were other issues going on that he didn't know how to express so he just bashed me.

    Maybe you need to have a heart-to-heart with your dad after you've both calmed down. I doubt he's actually disappointed and constantly mad at you. Seems like he might be struggling with his own demons and expressing that in the wrong way.
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  • larrygaga said:
    I like you enough not to lie to you! Can you cut wedding savings to afford rent? I know you have your priorities straight, but I'm just suggesting in case it was overlooked!!!


    I have HORRIBLE relationships with my parents when I used to live with them. We almost hated each other. I moved out and now we have great relationships. Even if I stay with them for more than a weekend I start to feel the strain. That's the reason I suggest to move out. People are different when you live with them as an adult. Adult children living with parents have weird dynamics. 

    This. My relationship with my mom and stepdad was not good until I moved out. We got along, kind of, sometimes, but I was an adult and me still living there wasn't good for anyone. After I moved out, my mom and I got closer and she was my best friend. Hell, they bought the house next door to their house and H and I rent it from them. We were all close enough to hang out and have fun but not up each other's asses. 

    Honestly, if I were you, OP. I'd do whatever I could to move out. H and I didn't even have a savings account for years because not living at home was more important to us than not living paycheck to paycheck.
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  • larrygaga said:
    I like you enough not to lie to you! Can you cut wedding savings to afford rent? I know you have your priorities straight, but I'm just suggesting in case it was overlooked!!!


    I have HORRIBLE relationships with my parents when I used to live with them. We almost hated each other. I moved out and now we have great relationships. Even if I stay with them for more than a weekend I start to feel the strain. That's the reason I suggest to move out. People are different when you live with them as an adult. Adult children living with parents have weird dynamics. 

    This is so true.
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  • Sorry you're dealing with this.
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  • larrygaga said:

    I like you enough not to lie to you! Can you cut wedding savings to afford rent? I know you have your priorities straight, but I'm just suggesting in case it was overlooked!!!



    I have HORRIBLE relationships with my parents when I used to live with them. We almost hated each other. I moved out and now we have great relationships. Even if I stay with them for more than a weekend I start to feel the strain. That's the reason I suggest to move out. People are different when you live with them as an adult. Adult children living with parents have weird dynamics. 

    Well, the biggest thing is we've always had a good relationship my whole life. I've always had good relationships with my parents, even during my "rebellious" teenage years. So this is a HUGE 180 for him. Like, 25 years of fantastic daddying (if not fantastic husbanding) and then - boom - fights. I have a great relationship with my mom, and I've lived with them as an adult before this. That's why I didn't go straight into an apartment when I moved back up here, and why I thought it would work out.

    I'm getting back into therapy next month for an unrelated issue, so I'll try to work on my end with that because I know it's not all him. I have super limited providers in my area, but my insurance is fantastic if you can get in with one of the providers, so it's worth seeing. Coping mechanisms and all that.
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  • Could your dad maybe not be totally ready for the thought of you growing up/leaving the nest/getting married? Seems like he's harboring resentment toward your FI for that and it's hard for him to see you two under his nose, constantly reminding him that you have a new main man in your life. Maybe spending some daddy-daughter time without your FI could help?

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  • Sounds to me like he maybe doesn't love having you and your fiance living at home. Is he maybe having kinda old fashioned thoughts like why aren't you marrying someone who can financially provide for you?

    I know my parents feel pretty strongly that if you're not ready to be the kind of adult who can afford to support yourself, by paying your rent and living expenses, you're really not ready to be getting married. If he shares that view I can see it adding tension.

    What you're essentially doing is letting your parents cover your essentials so you can afford the pretty (let's be real here- everything beyond the fee for a marriage license and a courthouse ceremony is a want, not a need).

    It's great when living with your parents to save money works out, but I think the "rent" you pay is cleaning up your sister's mess, not getting annoyed about the tape, and never ever ever cursing at your parents. You need to be going above and beyond, and since it's not working for you I think you need to make plans to move. Maybe not next month, but setting a date of like April seems not crazy.
  • Speaking from my parent POV I have to wonder if @lolo883 isn't right on target.  I am wondering if your dad isn't dealing well with the fact that he is daily faced with "losing his little girl", with the fact that you are an adult now and you are getting married.  Some parents take it great and others don't.

    Regardless, the fact that he has been horrid to you for awhile has nothing to do with how nice it was that he went and got your first wedding gift. (that really is why I think it is the leaving the nest thing)  He has no right to treat you that way and you shouldn't feel like crap that when you finally have had enough and tell him to knock it off, he goes and buys your first wedding present.  They are mutually exclusive.

    Sit down and talk to him.  Tell him how you have been feeling and that you don't see the same dad you always used to have - you see one who blames you for what others do and isn't treating you very nicely right now.  Make it a quiet talk.  Sometimes that is all it takes, sometimes not.  Can't hurt to try.  If it continues, figure out how to get out of there.
  • edited January 2015
    The living situation I don't think is his issue. FI and I pay our part - it's more along the lines of a roommate arrangement than a financial support system. We pay a combined total of half the utilities, we buy our own groceries, we're usually the ones that cook for the whole house. We aren't being supported by them. We're just living there. We were both self-sufficient in Auburn. Rent in safe areas is just a lot harder to make here, because the safer areas are farther out from our jobs AND higher cost.

    I do think it's partly the fact that his baby is growing up, combined with the year we had last year. I just can't figure out how to address it because it feels like every time I try it blows up into yet another fight. And I am not used to fighting with him so it hurts.

    ETA Relevant info, maybe: my dad doesn't work. He's not retired per se (he still has about six years), but he doesn't work. So he is usually at home during the day, while FI, my mom, myself, and my sister all work and my other sister is in her senior year of high school. I think it's relevant because he's getting closer to that age when he actually CAN be retired and all of his kids are growing up this year. Mid Sis is talking about moving, Baby Sis is going to college five hours away, Bro is graduating soon, I'm getting married. I think all that plus the house burning plus he turned 60 this year plus he hasn't worked in his field for years and is afraid he's aged out is just piling on him.
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