Bridal Shower Help

Re: Bridal Shower Help

• mikenberger member

  

  January 2015

  aloha5736 said:

  Help me  

  
  

  I'm caught in the middle of two mothers trying to throw a shower.  I have a difficult schedule, because I work weekends and very hard for me to request it off, so I have no option but to plan around it.  I was hoping not to be included in any of this, but due to my schedule we've had to bounce dates between one another.  About two weeks ago my MIL started asking me for dates that work, it was very difficult as several dates were not allowed (because various people on the grooms side couldn't come) or my work schedule conflicted.   We decided on a date that worked for everyone.  We then started to talk about people...I assumed this was a bride/groom family combined shower as we live close.  I listed about 20 people on my side who were invited (including my bridal party).   Well my MIL got this venue for free and it only holds max 45 people, and her list is 35 people long alone.   Well....this isn't going to work, because if it was a combined shower we have at least 56 guest.  My mother was interested in doing a combined shower and my MIL.  We don't have a free venue it would be $250.  My mom isn't against paying for most of the shower, my MIL just has a history of adding lots of people and having large showers.  My mom didn't want to be stuck with paying for a 60++ person shower when we were only inviting 20 people.  She is open to splitting the cost or paying for a little extra.  I also very much just wanted to do one shower due to schedules ( difficulty of figuring a second weekend), having my bridal party needing to go to two showers, family meeting one another, etc.  We live within close proximity to each other and get along, why wouldn't we just do one shower ?  It's just frustrating because she seems to have plans of her own and it's completely seemed to derail plains that my mom had.  

  
  

  My mom isn't really for one or the other.   I'm not expecting my girls to attend both, but theres a good chance that they all will just attend the one my mom throws (my MOH has children and child care is an issue sometimes).  Do I just say forget it and have two showers? 

  You can have two showers, it's okay I would just make sure there isn't a lot (preferably none) overlap between the guest lists. It's not against etiquette by any means. I would still invite your bridal party and they can make the determination if they want to attend or not. Just because they receive an invite doesn't mean they have to come.

  
  

  
  

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• MairePoppy mod

  

  January 2015

  Would your mother be willing to pay for the larger venue plus the cost of hosting her guests? If so, she should make that offer to your FMIL. But remember, your FMIL isn't obligated to share hosting duties with anyone, not even your mom.

  TBH, it would probably be better if your mom hosts a small shower for your 20 guests, in her home, with light refreshments. The bms aren't obligated to attend all showers and wedding related events, so this shouldn't inconvenience them, at all.

                     

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• NYCMercedes member

  

  January 2015

  Are all of MIL's guests on the wedding guest list? Her shower list cannot include anyone that's not invited to the wedding.

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• aloha5736 member

  

  January 2015

  Yes everyone that is invited to the shower is coming to the wedding. Id prefer one shower just seems like a good idea! I'm actually disappointed it's been separated prob why I'm bothered. I don't think my mom wants to pay for all those people, she'd be fine w like 40, but 60 is a little much. I'll just let them duke it out haha. I Won't require the girls to come to my MIL shower, but hopefully my moms.

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• Lauderdale Pink member

  

  January 2015

  The main problem, to me, sounded like your work schedule.  Once you agree on a date, sit down with both moms and FIRM UP a guest list.  Make sure everybody understands that there are no additions at that point, especially a second tier (which is just plain rude).  Get a FIRM commitment for money from both and move on.  A bride should not have to be this involved in her own shower, but it sounds like the other two ladies need a "meeting of the minds".  

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• lovegood90 member

  

  January 2015 edited January 2015

  aloha5736 said:

  Yes everyone that is invited to the shower is coming to the wedding. Id prefer one shower just seems like a good idea! I'm actually disappointed it's been separated prob why I'm bothered. I don't think my mom wants to pay for all those people, she'd be fine w like 40, but 60 is a little much. I'll just let them duke it out haha. I Won't require the girls to come to my MIL shower, but hopefully my moms.

  If your mom is the one paying and she has said she can only afford 40 people, then you and your MIL don't have the right to go over that number. 2 showers is not the end of the world over one; just be grateful that people want to throw you showers at all. It's starting to sound like your mom isn't getting any say into the event SHE is paying for.

  Formerly martha1818

  

  
  

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• aloha5736 member

  

  January 2015

  ok....this is all good. I work almost every other weekend so I get its tought to plan. Ultimately if my MIL wants to go over and can't compromise on one venue then we just do two seperate events. I'm going to just tell them two to talk to one another and figure it out! I wish my MIL would have spoke to my mother first before planning her own event. I told her Id rather just one function since we live so close, but if she doesn't want to then they can just plan there own things. Should they each be invited to the others party? My mom was asking me.

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• WhatawagSBNy member

  

  January 2015

  aloha5736 said:

  Help me  

  
  

  I'm caught in the middle of two mothers trying to throw a shower.  I have a difficult schedule, because I work weekends and very hard for me to request it off, so I have no option but to plan around it.  I was hoping not to be included in any of this, but due to my schedule we've had to bounce dates between one another.  About two weeks ago my MIL started asking me for dates that work, it was very difficult as several dates were not allowed (because various people on the grooms side couldn't come) or my work schedule conflicted.   We decided on a date that worked for everyone.  We then started to talk about people...I assumed this was a bride/groom family combined shower as we live close.  I listed about 20 people on my side who were invited (including my bridal party).   Well my MIL got this venue for free and it only holds max 45 people, and her list is 35 people long alone.   Well....this isn't going to work, because if it was a combined shower we have at least 56 guest.  My mother was interested in doing a combined shower and my MIL.  We don't have a free venue it would be $250.  My mom isn't against paying for most of the shower, my MIL just has a history of adding lots of people and having large showers.  My mom didn't want to be stuck with paying for a 60++ person shower when we were only inviting 20 people.  She is open to splitting the cost or paying for a little extra.  I also very much just wanted to do one shower due to schedules ( difficulty of figuring a second weekend), having my bridal party needing to go to two showers, family meeting one another, etc.  We live within close proximity to each other and get along, why wouldn't we just do one shower ?  It's just frustrating because she seems to have plans of her own and it's completely seemed to derail plains that my mom had.  

  
  

  My mom isn't really for one or the other.   I'm not expecting my girls to attend both, but theres a good chance that they all will just attend the one my mom throws (my MOH has children and child care is an issue sometimes).  Do I just say forget it and have two showers? 

  *************
  Two separate events instead of one big one means that people get a chance to talk and visit with you, more intimate.
  
  Any shower with more that 35 people that I have attended has become a yawn after continuous present openings stretches past an hour and a half.
  
  Sometimes, in an effort to speed it up, people have set up a little assembly line where one picks up a gift and cuts any tape or string, another takes the bows and ribbons for a bouquet, another tears off the wrapping then hands it to the bride who reads the card and says, how nice, Aunt Whoever, thank you and passes it to someone to list the gift and giver while the last helper puts it in one of several cartons to carry out.
  All to cut the gift opening to no more than 2 minutes so 50 to 70 gifts can be handled in two hours, and with greeting time and snacks served they won't run much over 3 hours.
  
  Of course, without this crass assembly line, if bride actually sees the pretty wrapped gifts some people take a lot of trouble with, and opens everything and says something nice to each person, it takes close to 5 minutes for many of the gifts and any comments. And someone always brings some gifts from folks who could not be there, and grandma from Missouri and Aunt Sue from Florida who were not on the list, but Mother wants a picture of bride opening the gift in front of people. Then there is MOGs neighborhood ladies pile, they are not invited to the wedding and don't want to come, just to send the gifts to Sonny Boy's bride (MOG wants pics). 3 and a half hours of this PLUS snack time .
  
  To me it is a matter of quality. All of the time and planning that goes into a gracious wedding with much thought about pleasing guests, this leaves a lot of people grumbling behind the scenes about a gift grab, for weeks.
  When I worked catering near my school I hated 60 to 100 person events with 60 to 120 gifts. It was downright embarrassing to hear snide remarks and see people yawning, then looking up to smile brightly at the bride.
  
  Bridal party and anyone but the bride need only go to one. And for a smaller shorter shower, a week night evening for local people is just fine. Seriously consider smaller showers. They are supposed to be fun, not a chore.

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• aloha5736 member

  

  January 2015

  Good Point!

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• southernbelle0915 mod

  

  January 2015

  This is kind of a first world problem... Multiple people asking to throw you multiple showers? You shouldnt try to go over what your MIL or your mom can host. And you shouldn't try to dictate asking them to combine. They're both doing what they can and it wounds very nice.
  
  Plus, as a guest, it sucks to be at a huge shower. The gift opening takes HOURS. Or its really rushed and seems gift grabby. Personally, with 60+ people, its better to break this into two events. If you work every other weekend and you're local, I don't see why its a problem to make time for this.

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