Are rehearsal dinners required? (wedding party drama question)

emaebe · January 2015

Hi!

My fiance and I moved across country last year.

I have two out of town BMs and one local BM. The wedding venue is about 1 hr 45 minutes from my house and 45 minutes from my mom and local BMs house. From my house to my mom/local BMs residence is around 1 hour 15 mins. Many of our guests (including my BMs and the GMs) will be traveling long distances to attend and be with us on this day (cross country). We chose our venue as we are allowed to camp and have a bonfire with our guests on the property of the venue, and we also have the Friday before the wedding to decorate the venue, do the rehearsal, etc. And, well, because we really fell in love with the farm and pavilion.

As I will be staying with my mom for three days before the wedding as well as the fact that she has two extra bedrooms, I offered the rooms to my OOT BMs (and their plus ones) as well as my car (as I will have a VW bus running by the time of our wedding). They've both indicated that they would prefer to have hotels and possibly rent cars.

My idea was to get all of our nails done on Thursday night and do some type of bach party that night as well. And then to get up early Friday and take the decorations to the venue then have the rehearsal Friday morning/early afternoon. My fiance and I wanted to have a "rehearsal dinner"/"open house" at our house in a gorgeous lake community (think summer camp or state park) as it is truly one of a kind and many of our out of town guests will not get another chance for a long time to visit us and see our new home! (Also, the groom's party/family will be staying at our house and a friend's cabin) We thought we could rent the community house that overlooks the beach and has the best views of the marina and lake, order pizza and tell people that if they'd like to visit and see our home to swing by between 3pm-7pm. I realize that our house is very far from the venue and where people will be staying, but I thought this would be a good way for guests (many of our good friends from across the country) to hang out with us in a less "formal" setting than the wedding, to interact/meet the other guests, and to see our house.

However, when I mentioned this to my bridesmaids I came away feeling like this would be truly inconsiderate to ask my guests to travel so far as well as to them since gas is expensive and it's a lot of drive (even though I've indicated this was not mandatory and offered to carpool and let them borrow my car). My local BM also mentioned that she would be unable to take Friday off work to help set up the venue or to be at the rehearsal since I was planning to have the rehearsal in the late morning/early afternoon (all of my BMs had offered to help bring stuff to the venue and do the small bit of decor that we need to do... I'm having a coordinator/designer for the day of to handle the major stuff like tables... this is more dropping off the sodas, stocking the fridge at the venue with ice, hopefully small stuff). She also stressed several times that I SHOULD have my rehearsal dinner in the same town as the venue, and that it would stress my oot guests and confuse them greatly. My OOT BMs also mentioned that they could not fly in until Thursday night which most likely means they would not make it to a spa night/bach party night (previously they'd told me I was not allowed to plan my own bach party which we'd discuss as taking place Thursday night).

What I want to know is... is it bridezilla-ish of me to just say:

I will be doing my nails on Thursday night and would love for you to be here (and if you're here, I'll pay to have your nails done). Since it seems like you might not be here for Thursday bach party, my back up plan is to have a bottle of wine (to share) and paint with my mom and her artistic painter/quilter/crafter of all types friend (because painting is fun and relaxing!) on Thursday evening after nails. I'd love your help for setting up the venue Friday morning, but understand if you can't make it. The rehearsal will be late morning/early afternoon, and I'll be going home (which is 1hr 45 mins from rehearsal) from 3pm-7pm so that oot guests can come see my house and have pizza, beer, a fire, and play on the lake (we've got a canoe and friends with speedboats/pontoons). You're more than welcome, and I have plenty of room to carpool with all of you and your plus ones. I'll be leaving my home at 7pm and getting back to my mom's house around 8:30pm to relax and go to sleep before the big wedding day. I understand if you can't/don't want to travel that far, but this is what my fiance and I would like to do.

The above is what I discussed with my fiance because I ended up crying after the FB message convo with my bridesmaids. My f iance and I discussed scratching the whole thing of going to our home and just not throwing a rehearsal dinner, but I'd really like to be home for a few hours the day before my wedding and to have all of our friends who we moved away from to see our new place and get to enjoy it with us for a few brief hours.

I don't want to be a bridezilla. I want to enjoy my/our day. Have as much time with my out of town guests and bridesmaids, and just have a really relaxed few pre-wedding days. I don't really feel the need to have a "rehearsal dinner" that's at the location of the venue. I drive between the venue and my house as well as my house and my mom's house quite often, so the distance doesn't bother me, but maybe it would be different for my guests? Is this rude/inconsiderate? Any suggestions on how to handle the situation?

flantastic · January 2015

emaebe said:

Hi!

My fiance and I moved across country last year.

I have two out of town BMs and one local BM. The wedding venue is about 1 hr 45 minutes from my house and 45 minutes from my mom and local BMs house. From my house to my mom/local BMs residence is around 1 hour 15 mins. Many of our guests (including my BMs and the GMs) will be traveling long distances to attend and be with us on this day (cross country). We chose our venue as we are allowed to camp and have a bonfire with our guests on the property of the venue, and we also have the Friday before the wedding to decorate the venue, do the rehearsal, etc. And, well, because we really fell in love with the farm and pavilion.

As I will be staying with my mom for three days before the wedding as well as the fact that she has two extra bedrooms, I offered the rooms to my OOT BMs (and their plus ones) as well as my car (as I will have a VW bus running by the time of our wedding). They've both indicated that they would prefer to have hotels and possibly rent cars.

My idea was to get all of our nails done on Thursday night and do some type of bach party that night as well. And then to get up early Friday and take the decorations to the venue then have the rehearsal Friday morning/early afternoon. My fiance and I wanted to have a "rehearsal dinner"/"open house" at our house in a gorgeous lake community (think summer camp or state park) as it is truly one of a kind and many of our out of town guests will not get another chance for a long time to visit us and see our new home! (Also, the groom's party/family will be staying at our house and a friend's cabin) We thought we could rent the community house that overlooks the beach and has the best views of the marina and lake, order pizza and tell people that if they'd like to visit and see our home to swing by between 3pm-7pm. I realize that our house is very far from the venue and where people will be staying, but I thought this would be a good way for guests (many of our good friends from across the country) to hang out with us in a less "formal" setting than the wedding, to interact/meet the other guests, and to see our house.

However, when I mentioned this to my bridesmaids I came away feeling like this would be truly inconsiderate to ask my guests to travel so far as well as to them since gas is expensive and it's a lot of drive (even though I've indicated this was not mandatory and offered to carpool and let them borrow my car). My local BM also mentioned that she would be unable to take Friday off work to help set up the venue or to be at the rehearsal since I was planning to have the rehearsal in the late morning/early afternoon (all of my BMs had offered to help bring stuff to the venue and do the small bit of decor that we need to do... I'm having a coordinator/designer for the day of to handle the major stuff like tables... this is more dropping off the sodas, stocking the fridge at the venue with ice, hopefully small stuff). She also stressed several times that I SHOULD have my rehearsal dinner in the same town as the venue, and that it would stress my oot guests and confuse them greatly. My OOT BMs also mentioned that they could not fly in until Thursday night which most likely means they would not make it to a spa night/bach party night (previously they'd told me I was not allowed to plan my own bach party which we'd discuss as taking place Thursday night).

What I want to know is... is it bridezilla-ish of me to just say:
I will be doing my nails on Thursday night and would love for you to be here (and if you're here, I'll pay to have your nails done). Since it seems like you might not be here for Thursday bach party, my back up plan is to have a bottle of wine (to share) and paint with my mom and her artistic painter/quilter/crafter of all types friend (because painting is fun and relaxing!) on Thursday evening after nails. I'd love your help for setting up the venue Friday morning, but understand if you can't make it. The rehearsal will be late morning/early afternoon, and I'll be going home (which is 1hr 45 mins from rehearsal) from 3pm-7pm so that oot guests can come see my house and have pizza, beer, a fire, and play on the lake (we've got a canoe and friends with speedboats/pontoons). You're more than welcome, and I have plenty of room to carpool with all of you and your plus ones. I'll be leaving my home at 7pm and getting back to my mom's house around 8:30pm to relax and go to sleep before the big wedding day. I understand if you can't/don't want to travel that far, but this is what my fiance and I would like to do.

The above is what I discussed with my fiance because I ended up crying after the FB message convo with my bridesmaids. My f iance and I discussed scratching the whole thing of going to our home and just not throwing a rehearsal dinner, but I'd really like to be home for a few hours the day before my wedding and to have all of our friends who we moved away from to see our new place and get to enjoy it with us for a few brief hours.

I don't want to be a bridezilla. I want to enjoy my/our day. Have as much time with my out of town guests and bridesmaids, and just have a really relaxed few pre-wedding days. I don't really feel the need to have a "rehearsal dinner" that's at the location of the venue. I drive between the venue and my house as well as my house and my mom's house quite often, so the distance doesn't bother me, but maybe it would be different for my guests? Is this rude/inconsiderate? Any suggestions on how to handle the situation?

Sorry, but your bridesmaids are right. The point of having a rehearsal dinner is to thank guests for coming to the rehearsal (plus you can add in anyone else you want there) and you can't make it prohibitively difficult for them to get there, or make such a large gap between the rehearsal and dinner.

If you don't have a rehearsal, you don't need a rehearsal dinner, so that's a solution. If you do have a rehearsal, it needs to be relatively convenient to guests and right after the rehearsal (within a reasonable travel time, which 1:45 is not). It can be simple, but you need to host them in some way.

levioosa · January 2015

I'm with Flan. I think it is a little much to ask people to travel to the wedding venue/rehearsal and then travel even more to the lake house. The lake house sounds lovely, but if I was one of your friends I would much rather visit you at a less stressful and busy time. I think this is a case of trying to plan too much stuff into one time period.

lyndausvi · January 2015

I'm with your BM. They are traveling long distances already. Then you are making them run all over the place. 45 minutes to the venue to rehearse and do setup (lord knows how long that will take.) Then you want them to drive 1 and 42 mins to your house. . After all that work I would want a drink, but i can't because I still have to drive another 1hour 15+ mins to get back to where i'm sleeping.

I'm tired just thinking of your Friday plan. When is lunch time? When are they do relax and get over some jet lag?

I get you want to show off your house and stuff but I do not think the timing works on this trip.

fwtx5815 · January 2015

A couple of things:

-As you said, a bride doesn't plan her own bach party - I wouldn't even worry about that as part of your plan. Whoever offers to throw the bach will worry about the logistics.

-I'm hoping nobody is being forced to camp out on the venue property. That should definitely be voluntary if it isn't already.

-It sounds like you love your new home and are excited to show it off- that's great. But remember the focus of all of this is your wedding. Your guests will be there to celebrate your marriage, I wouldn't try to lump a housewarming in with it.

If you're having a rehearsal, then those who attended should be hosted immediately after, without a long drive in between. Rehearsals aren't always necessary though. My fiance and I have three attendants each and will not be having a formal rehearsal. We're going to meet with the officiant the night before our wedding with our families and then have a family dinner.

emaebe · January 2015

I didn't think guests came to the rehearsal? I was under the impression that it was just the wedding party/any one involved in the wedding ceremony. Practicing where you stand and such and how the ceremony is run. I was also under the impression that the rehearsal dinner was typically just people at the rehearsal, but we wanted to expand to include anybody who wanted to come and hang out. Does the rehearsal need to be at the venue? We might not actually need to go out there since most of the decor will be handled by the design coordinator...

Since his side is staying up there, could we have the rehearsal at the lake and then the hangout/lunch/open house rehearsal there? Because he honestly seems to want to be at the lake than having a rehearsal. I just am being tugged in many directions on what I should, ought, have to do.

I never thought of it as a housewarming. Just that a lot of guests (and my OOT BMs oddly) had expressed several times that they wanted to see/hang out at my house and the lake, so we thought it was a good way to kill two birds with one stones. And there's nothing more relaxing than spending time at the lake in a boat with wine or beer; we wanted to share that with all of our guests.

Or if I have the rehearsal on site in the morning/early afternoon, can I do a rehearsal lunch around the venue? Or do you just wait until dinner time?

And no one's required to stay and camp. That's just the option that we're taking, and since a ton of our friends are campers (and have camped with us), we knew that it was perfect for us. Heck, my gramma's camping at the venue (lol)! We'll have privacy as there's 400 acres up there and lots of different places to camp, so we've claimed the small lake. Maybe I'll see if people want to come up to the lake after camping on Sunday since we don't leave for the honeymoon until Monday.

Our wedding is pretty non-traditional so I'm not against throwing tradition to the wind as long as it makes sense for the situation... And doesn't put anyone unduly out.

As for the bach party, from the conversation I had with my bridesmaids none of them seem interested in organizing or doing one since they weren't leaving until late Thursday which is when they'd originally told me we would be going out/doing something. I figured that if they didn't want to do something, I could at least have fun by having a backup plan and not having hurt feelings over not having a bach party.

emaebe · January 2015

Why is the rehearsal/rehearsal dinner causing me more stress than the wedding?? lol

jacques27 · January 2015

Agreed that this is too much activity in too little time.

It doesn't matter that you do the drive between those places often. You are used to it and familiar with the area. These are people who just traveled a long distance to see you either by plane or by car - both of which are time consuming, tiring, and potentially stressful. The last thing I want to do after I get to my destination is then get back in the car and travel more. I want to stretch and recuperate - not rush around driving long distances to make it to all the activities you have planned for me. Also, remember, they aren't driving 1 hr 45 min, they are driving 3 hrs 30 min because they also have to drive back from your house and probably have to get up at a reasonable hour the next morning to be in YOUR wedding the next day.

Your options as I see it:
1. Don't have a rehearsal and then you don't have to have a rehearsal dinner. Walking down an aisle isn't that complicated - you can sort it out 15 minutes before the ceremony and be just fine. If you still want the open house, have it, but then be understanding if your bridal party would just rather chill at their hotel.

2. Have the rehearsal at your house followed immediately by the open house that can also serve as your rehearsal dinner. If you've walked down one aisle, you should be able to transfer those skills and figure out how to walk down another one. You don't HAVE to have the rehearsal at the same place as the ceremony (in fact, sometimes it's not possible for people because the venue is booked with other events). However, keep in mind that people still may not want to drive for 3 hours and 30 minutes - but at least this way you wouldn't have a gap and your wedding party can have the morning free to sleep in, relax, or do things they want to do around town on their own.

3. Give up the notion of the open house and keep everything local to where your guests are staying and convenient for them. I get the temptation to want to show off your new house and share your life, but that isn't what they traveled for and it shouldn't come at the expense of their time and comfort. Honestly, if you packed that much driving and activity in that short amount of time, I'd need a vacation just to recuperate from attending your wedding. Usually when I travel to someone's wedding and I have to take time off work, I want to make it a little about me and make it into a relaxing mini-vacation while I'm at it.

lyndausvi · January 2015

emaebe said:

Why is the rehearsal/rehearsal dinner causing me more stress than the wedding?? lol

because you have unrealistic expectations and picked venues/lodging that are too far apart from each other.

You have people all over the place. BM's a place 45 minutes from the venue. GM's men 1 hour and 45 minutes from the venue. The BM's and GM's are 1+ hour from each other.

Sorry, but those are your problems. If I'm flying across country I have zero desire to take up to almost 2 hours one-way to get to different events. Let alone going 45 minutes to one venue, 1:45 to your house. Then another 1:15 back to my lodging. Then the next day get up and drive another 45 minutes to the venue and then another 45 minutes back.

If asked how the weekend was I would be all "great I spent the whole damn time in a traveling."

Dare I ask how far the airport is? Will that be another few hours one way for them too?

WhatawagSBNy · January 2015

Often rehearsals are not necessary, or just a couple of people can talk to an efficient then explain to others. How big is your wedding party, and how complicated is the venue.
About half of the weddings I have been in - lots - there has been no need for a rehearsal at the site.
Wherever people are staying you can find a place to talk it through. See if officient wants to talk with you as a couple or with a few who live nearby and will be there early.

Expecting people to fly in early for a day or two just to hang out means time off work for some. If people have the time and want to, fine.
But lots of people want to come to a wedding., and that is it. An afternoon early to do nails, wouldn't be worth it to me. Mine take 10 minutes twice a week and never by a manicurist.
.Coming on a Wed or Thurs for something Saturday may be something WP only want to do. And sometimes no WP wants to and if there is no actual need, don't expect it. Many Weddings, if lots of families come from out of town, people who see each other rarely like to gather to have family time, while B AND G friends may do things together or separately.
It is nice to have the option of a few days together. It simply should not be an expectation.

Other posters are right that people do not often like to shuttle back and forth more than a shirt distance. Twenty minutes, fine. And hour and a half, do something, travel back an hour and a half, no.

The last few years all this reality ?? TV has planted an idea everyone wants to spend a 3 day weekend.
Talk with friends way in advance, and don't plan for them unless you are sure they want it.

zitiqueen · January 2015

emaebe said:

I didn't think guests came to the rehearsal? I was under the impression that it was just the wedding party/any one involved in the wedding ceremony. Practicing where you stand and such and how the ceremony is run. I was also under the impression that the rehearsal dinner was typically just people at the rehearsal, but we wanted to expand to include anybody who wanted to come and hang out. Does the rehearsal need to be at the venue? We might not actually need to go out there since most of the decor will be handled by the design coordinator...

Since his side is staying up there, could we have the rehearsal at the lake and then the hangout/lunch/open house rehearsal there? Because he honestly seems to want to be at the lake than having a rehearsal. I just am being tugged in many directions on what I should, ought, have to do.

I never thought of it as a housewarming. Just that a lot of guests (and my OOT BMs oddly) had expressed several times that they wanted to see/hang out at my house and the lake, so we thought it was a good way to kill two birds with one stones. And there's nothing more relaxing than spending time at the lake in a boat with wine or beer; we wanted to share that with all of our guests.

Or if I have the rehearsal on site in the morning/early afternoon, can I do a rehearsal lunch around the venue? Or do you just wait until dinner time?

And no one's required to stay and camp. That's just the option that we're taking, and since a ton of our friends are campers (and have camped with us), we knew that it was perfect for us. Heck, my gramma's camping at the venue (lol)! We'll have privacy as there's 400 acres up there and lots of different places to camp, so we've claimed the small lake. Maybe I'll see if people want to come up to the lake after camping on Sunday since we don't leave for the honeymoon until Monday.

Our wedding is pretty non-traditional so I'm not against throwing tradition to the wind as long as it makes sense for the situation... And doesn't put anyone unduly out.

As for the bach party, from the conversation I had with my bridesmaids none of them seem interested in organizing or doing one since they weren't leaving until late Thursday which is when they'd originally told me we would be going out/doing something. I figured that if they didn't want to do something, I could at least have fun by having a backup plan and not having hurt feelings over not having a bach party.

Well, if you do end up have a rehearsal, members of the bridal party/anybody you require to be there and their SOs need to be invited to the dinner afterward. I agree with everybody else -- it's not necessary. Adults have been walking down aisles for years without practice.

STARMOON44 · January 2015

If you can host everyone at the lake why aren't you just getting married there if it is so special?

No. You shouldn't have any sort of gathering that far away. You shouldn't be expecting anyone to trek out to your venue to help set up.

emaebe · January 2015

Just to answer some questions:

We found our venue when we first moved here (I was told by people in the wedding business that venues booked quickly; and a lot of the venues that we called didn't have the dates we wanted in 2015). I was looking for a place that was close to my mom's so it would be convenient for oot guests. There's an airport in the city my mom lives, and two other cities with airports about 1.5 hrs away so lots of options for flying in, price, etc as well as train/bus stations. We've also offered for myself, my mom, and my fiance to pick people up from the airport, and are working on arranging a carpool. We wanted a venue that we could either camp or camp nearby as it's an important part of our relationship and we don't expect anyone who doesn't want to camp to camp with us. It's just a way for us to spend some more time with guests who want to camp.

When looking for venues, I was on a 3 month business trip with my new job--I was home every other weekend. The weekends I was home, we were looking at venues and viewing houses with our Realtor (we didn't purchase our home until a few months after booking our venue). When we found the venue, I asked my mom and relatives whether the venue location/town was too far from their houses as they know the area much better than we did (it's around 20 miles on maps). Everybody said "it's super close! What a great sounding venue." I didn't really time it when we drove out because we took our bus (it goes super slow), and we fell in love with the venue. I've tried to be generous with the times it takes between destinations for driving.

We booked it, then bought our house a few months later. We've discussed having the wedding up at the lake and cancelling our venue and accepting the lost of deposit, but the area at the lake where we'd have it does not have the same qualities as the farm. On the farm, we're holding the ceremony next to a creek in the woods--it's ethereal and has the elements of whimsy that I was looking for as well as plenty of camping area and we're hiring someone from the farm to tend a large bonfire--and the reception area already has a pavilion, kitchen, plenty of bathrooms for guests. The lake is perfect for something more relaxed and laid back; it's more rural and "good ole boy" if that makes sense.

Also, I don't expect anyone to come and help me set up. I've been given offers of help by a lot of people (friends and family including my BMs), and have been told to let them know how they can help. Part of the reason we're hiring a day of coordinator to do decor is so that we don't have as much to set up/are required to do. But I've never told anybody that they "had" to come and help me set up; I've only accepted offers of assistance and asked those people if they can handle specific jobs. I would never demand people to do something if they didn't offer and agree to help.

And, finally, I've just had lots of OOT family/friends who've said they want to see the house when they're out here for the wedding. I was trying to work it into the timeline without seeming rushed... but in the end, it sounds like that's exactly what we'd do is make it feel "rushed". This was not just my idea: I'd bounced it off people who were planning to travel who thought it sounded fun, my finance, his family, and some members of my family. And my BMs had originally thought going to the lake sounded fun (when I was throwing the idea around a few months ago), but it was when I was trying to put it into a timeline and give realistic times that they balked.

[Deleted User] · January 2015

Our wedding was similar in that most of our guests and wedding party (and all but one BM) travelled long distances to attend. Our schedule was as follows (the days worked out because it was after Christmas and all but six of our guests were on Christmas holiday anyway).

(Groom's parents arrived on the Sunday and we spent the day with them; bride's mom arrived on the Monday and we spent that day with her. Bride spent the evening of the Monday alone with her mom)

- Tuesday: most OOT guests and wedding party arrive in the evening; dinner at our place with a few close friends

- Wednesday: during the day: GM and groom pick up tuxes, go out for beer, and talk about the wedding ceremony (i.e. our "rehearsal"); in the meantime, bride does last minute errands and sets up for party with a few close friends; evening: NYE party at our place

- Thursday: during the day: groom cleans house from party, bride and BMs hang out at bridal suite doing nails and talk about the ceremony (i.e. "rehearsal" equivalent); evening: bride and groom set up venue and then sleep in our separate places alone (I stayed in the bridal suite, groom stayed at our apartment)

- Friday: wedding day

It seems like you originally wanted something a little similar but it's not working because of (a) distances and (b) wedding party travelling schedules. I think that when guests said they wanted to see your new house, they probably didn't realize that it would involve travelling about three hours in one day… Unfortunately, I agree with your BMs that it really does sound like it's too much. That being said, we REALLY enjoyed seeing our OOT guests at our party and I would strongly encourage you to find a way to do it that doesn't involve that much travelling. Remember that if your guests are travelling, many of them will not have a car and carpooling is much of an option because it leaves them with little freedom to arrive and leave when they want.

I would suggest you do the following:

- Thursday: hang out with your mom at her house and potentially invite BMs that are there to join (depending on your relationship with your mom, it could be really nice to have some time alone with her before you take this big step… I really enjoyed the Monday evening I had alone with my mom)

- Friday: late morning/early afternoon invite your BMs to your mom's house, where you can all do your nails etc… and talk to them about the ceremony (i.e. rehearsal equivalent); late afternoon/early evening: somehow see OOT guests

So - for this last event "see OOT guests", I see the following possibilities:

- Depending on the distance between the wedding venue and where non-camping guests are staying (i.e. if it's about twenty minutes), you could (a) have a casual BBQ at the camp site or (b) rent a room in the town where non-camping guests are staying

- If the distance is greater, then you could host a casual BBQ lunch at the camp site and then you and your fiancé go to the town where non-camping guests are staying and do a few quick "visits" OR host a simple dinner in that town

These events do cost money… We had budgeted $1000 for the party with a guest list of about 30 people (it was very important to us to host a great NYE party to thank our guests for travelling such a distance), but we ended up spending about $550 because the groom's parents surprised us by buying $300 worth of alcohol. We spent about $50 on decorations and plates, $300 on food, and $200 on alcohol. (Note that we live in an expensive urban area and alcohol is MUCH more expensive in Canada than in the US because of taxes on alcohol).

Sorry for the long reply - I hope this helps.

esstee33 · January 2015

emaebe said:

Just to answer some questions:

We found our venue when we first moved here (I was told by people in the wedding business that venues booked quickly; and a lot of the venues that we called didn't have the dates we wanted in 2015). I was looking for a place that was close to my mom's so it would be convenient for oot guests. There's an airport in the city my mom lives, and two other cities with airports about 1.5 hrs away so lots of options for flying in, price, etc as well as train/bus stations. We've also offered for myself, my mom, and my fiance to pick people up from the airport, and are working on arranging a carpool. We wanted a venue that we could either camp or camp nearby as it's an important part of our relationship and we don't expect anyone who doesn't want to camp to camp with us. It's just a way for us to spend some more time with guests who want to camp.

When looking for venues, I was on a 3 month business trip with my new job--I was home every other weekend. The weekends I was home, we were looking at venues and viewing houses with our Realtor (we didn't purchase our home until a few months after booking our venue). When we found the venue, I asked my mom and relatives whether the venue location/town was too far from their houses as they know the area much better than we did (it's around 20 miles on maps). Everybody said "it's super close! What a great sounding venue." I didn't really time it when we drove out because we took our bus (it goes super slow), and we fell in love with the venue. I've tried to be generous with the times it takes between destinations for driving.

We booked it, then bought our house a few months later. We've discussed having the wedding up at the lake and cancelling our venue and accepting the lost of deposit, but the area at the lake where we'd have it does not have the same qualities as the farm. On the farm, we're holding the ceremony next to a creek in the woods--it's ethereal and has the elements of whimsy that I was looking for as well as plenty of camping area and we're hiring someone from the farm to tend a large bonfire--and the reception area already has a pavilion, kitchen, plenty of bathrooms for guests. The lake is perfect for something more relaxed and laid back; it's more rural and "good ole boy" if that makes sense.

Also, I don't expect anyone to come and help me set up. I've been given offers of help by a lot of people (friends and family including my BMs), and have been told to let them know how they can help. Part of the reason we're hiring a day of coordinator to do decor is so that we don't have as much to set up/are required to do. But I've never told anybody that they "had" to come and help me set up; I've only accepted offers of assistance and asked those people if they can handle specific jobs. I would never demand people to do something if they didn't offer and agree to help.

And, finally, I've just had lots of OOT family/friends who've said they want to see the house when they're out here for the wedding. I was trying to work it into the timeline without seeming rushed... but in the end, it sounds like that's exactly what we'd do is make it feel "rushed". This was not just my idea: I'd bounced it off people who were planning to travel who thought it sounded fun, my finance, his family, and some members of my family. And my BMs had originally thought going to the lake sounded fun (when I was throwing the idea around a few months ago), but it was when I was trying to put it into a timeline and give realistic times that they balked.

Here's the thing: you can't do both. It's too much to ask of your guests to do all of that driving around all weekend just because you want to have a get-together at your house. I just moved a month ago from my hometown to a new city almost exactly two hours away, and thinking about driving back there is just ughhhhhh. Almost two hours each way is not insignificant, even if it doesn't bother you that much. And you're asking this of people who have already traveled cross-country to see you. It's too much!

You're going to have to choose between having the wedding at the lake and being able to show everyone your house, or having it at the farm and sacrificing the time at the lake. In ten years, when you look back at this weekend, are you going to be more happy that you got to spend extra quality time with your family and friends that you rarely get to see since moving, or that you had a whimsical forest wedding and camped?

You're also going to have to put on your big girl panties and deal with the fact that maybe your BMs just don't want to throw you a bach party. They're correct that you can't plan your own. It happens and it sucks, I know, but that's life. Not everyone has the time and money (or desire) to devote to planning and throwing frivolous parties.

emaebe · January 2015

esstee33 said:
You're also going to have to put on your big girl panties and deal with the fact that maybe your BMs just don't want to throw you a bach party. They're correct that you can't plan your own. It happens and it sucks, I know, but that's life. Not everyone has the time and money (or desire) to devote to planning and throwing frivolous parties.

You're right. I was upset to find out that they might not want to throw me a bach party, and that's not fair to them. What I *wanted* was to drink wine with my closest friends who I don't get to spend a lot of time with. I don't really need to go out and have a party; I've never been a club/go out type of party person anyways. Heck, I'll have the wine at the wedding, I just want them at my wedding.

As for the other points from everyone else:

I've discussed with the fiance, and I think we're not going to have a rehearsal, and if we do, we'll have a rehearsal dinner party near the venue. We're pretty sold on the farm wedding for a vast variety of reason (and I'm already long winded per above posts so I won't go into them).

Anyways, thank you for all the input and help!

WhatawagSBNy · January 2015

After you are married, that is the beginning of your entertaining as a married couple. And it is also time to reconnect with your friends again with no wedding stuff to mess it up.

I think the only flaw here is your wanting to pack to much altogether into the wedding event. A lake get together, and a different women friends party after the wedding. Should take away any feeling that you did not get it all.

[Deleted User] · January 2015

I would maybe make the following changes

Hey everyone, just wanted to let you know what my plans are for the few days leading up to the wedding. I will be doing my nails on Thursday followed by a bottle of wine (to share) and paint with my mom and her artistic painter/quilter/crafter of all types friend (because painting is fun and relaxing!) on Thursday. Friday morning I'll be going out to the venue to set up decorations around 10:00 AM. The rehearsal will be late morning/early afternoon, and I'll be going home to my house for an open house from 3pm-7pm so that oot guests can come see my house and have pizza, beer, a fire, and play on the lake (we've got a canoe and friends with speedboats/pontoons). I have plenty of room to carpool with all of you and your plus ones. I'll be leaving my home at 7pm and getting back to my mom's house around 8:30pm to relax and go to sleep before the big wedding day. I would love for you to join us for whatever you can but understand if you can't. If you can't make it to the rehersal, we'll fill you in the morning off on any details. I'm appreciate the time you are taking to be a part of (insert FI name) and my special day"

Are rehearsal dinners required? (wedding party drama question)

Re: Are rehearsal dinners required? (wedding party drama question)

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