Charity donation in lieu of favors...

levioosa · January 2015

jessicasteele said:

I'm jumping into this a little late, so I don't know if you have had your wedding or not, but I think just one sign posted either on a guest book signing table or cake table would be classy. Don't clutter the tables with extra stuff. And maybe word it like, "In honor of their wedding day, X & X have donated to a charity that is special to their hearts." And then give the name of the charity and maybe tell why it is so special to you. If you did have your wedding, how did you end up doing it? And did any of your guests tell you that they hated it as much as some of these posters?

No no no no no.

Of course your loved ones aren't going to tell you when they think something is rude. That doesn't mean it isn't rude, though. They just love you enough to look past it. But trust that they'll remember it.

You need to lurk and read. A "charitable donation" is really just a showy, selfish act. Want to give something up? Give up the fancy dress, or your flowers, or a great photography package, and donate silently. That's something that you are giving up. But instead you want to yank it from your guests when those favors (and the reception itself) is supposed to be entirely about thanking them? And then shove it in their face? Gross. In addition, the B & G's charity might not be one the guests even like, so it's an added slap in their face. Extra gross.

Jen4948 · January 2015

levioosa said:

jessicasteele said:

I'm jumping into this a little late, so I don't know if you have had your wedding or not, but I think just one sign posted either on a guest book signing table or cake table would be classy. Don't clutter the tables with extra stuff. And maybe word it like, "In honor of their wedding day, X & X have donated to a charity that is special to their hearts." And then give the name of the charity and maybe tell why it is so special to you. If you did have your wedding, how did you end up doing it? And did any of your guests tell you that they hated it as much as some of these posters?

No no no no no.

Of course your loved ones aren't going to tell you when they think something is rude. That doesn't mean it isn't rude, though. They just love you enough to look past it. But trust that they'll remember it.

You need to lurk and read. A "charitable donation" is really just a showy, selfish act. Want to give something up? Give up the fancy dress, or your flowers, or a great photography package, and donate silently. That's something that you are giving up. But instead you want to yank it from your guests when those favors (and the reception itself) is supposed to be entirely about thanking them? And then shove it in their face? Gross. In addition, the B & G's charity might not be one the guests even like, so it's an added slap in their face. Extra gross.

All of this. If you want to donate to charity, that's great. But don't use an occasion that's supposed to thank others for being there for you to tell them that you are "honoring" them by giving, in their names, to others you consider more "in need" of your resources, "in lieu of" those who were there for you at your own special occasion. It does not make you look altruistic, selfless, or gracious.

JoanE2012 · January 2015

jessicasteele said:

I'm jumping into this a little late, so I don't know if you have had your wedding or not, but I think just one sign posted either on a guest book signing table or cake table would be classy. Don't clutter the tables with extra stuff. And maybe word it like, "In honor of their wedding day, X & X have donated to a charity that is special to their hearts." And then give the name of the charity and maybe tell why it is so special to you. If you did have your wedding, how did you end up doing it? And did any of your guests tell you that they hated it as much as some of these posters?

@jessicasteele - I HATE the whole charity in lieu of favors. Yet I would NEVER in a million years tell a bride and groom how horrible it was. Even if they asked me, I'd never tell them. And that's the point. Most people will not tell someone how horrible their idea is. We'll tell you here in hopes of sparing you from what your guests are REALLY thinking.

southernbelle0915 · January 2015

jessicasteele said:

I'm jumping into this a little late, so I don't know if you have had your wedding or not, but I think just one sign posted either on a guest book signing table or cake table would be classy. Don't clutter the tables with extra stuff. And maybe word it like, "In honor of their wedding day, X & X have donated to a charity that is special to their hearts." And then give the name of the charity and maybe tell why it is so special to you. If you did have your wedding, how did you end up doing it? And did any of your guests tell you that they hated it as much as some of these posters?

Let me ask you something @jessicasteele - have you ever been to a wedding where you side-eyed something? Maybe you thought the bride's dress was too revealing, or you thought the venue was really dark, or you thought their decorations/signs/set up was tacky, or that their dollar dance was a little money grubby? If you've never judged anything ever, I'm assuming you've never been to a wedding or you are Jesus.

My point is, after you judged something (we all have), did you walk up to the bride and groom and say, "wow, this venue is really dark!" or "that dress looks more like something you'd wear at the wedding after party, if you know what I mean..." or "those signs aren't very well done." or "your cake is dry."

No, I don't believe you have unless you are a rude person. Here on TK, people can say what they're really thinking because it's just an internet forum. So trying to compare an internet forum to what a guest would actually say at a wedding is like comparing apples and oranges.

[Deleted User] · January 2015

Cookie Pusher · January 2015

Having been to a wedding where a charitable donation was made "in lieu of favors", I can say it still felt crappy even though the couple donated to a charity I actually support. Why? Because the couple took something away that should have been FOR THE GUESTS. Look, favors aren't required, but seriously... why take something away that is part of thanking your guests instead of eliminating flowers or getting a less expensive dress or forgoing a honeymoon? It's easy to be "selfless" when you're not taking something away from yourself.

And putting up a sign is basically saying to your guests, "LOOK AT WHAT AN AWESOME PERSON I AM! TELL ME I'M AWESOME BECAUSE I DECIDED TO GIVE YOU A SMALLER THANK YOU!"

Lashtoncasserly · February 2015

This board is so sad. Your responses to this girl were so mean.

Thank you for doing this! As a guest at your wedding I would much prefer that you donate money to a worthy cause than give me something that I will likely throw away. I would like knowing that you did that. My suggestion would be to do it on a small separate table next to the gift table. There are so many ways you can do this, depending on the formality of your wedding and the charity you are giving to. If your wedding is on the casual side, you can add some humor to it.

Jen4948 · February 2015

Lashtoncasserly said:
This board is so sad. Your responses to this girl were so mean.
Thank you for doing this! As a guest at your wedding I would much prefer that you donate money to a worthy cause than give me something that I will likely throw away. I would like knowing that you did that. My suggestion would be to do it on a small separate table next to the gift table. There are so many ways you can do this, depending on the formality of your wedding and the charity you are giving to. If your wedding is on the casual side, you can add some humor to it.

Sorry, but no. It is not "mean" to uphold that making a big announcement about giving to charity instead of your guests at your wedding is inappropriate.

First of all, it is inappropriate to use one's own personal occasion as a fundraiser or an awareness - raiser. Second, a reception is a thank-you to the guests for attending the ceremony, and it is very inappropriate to "thank" someone by telling them that you gave to someone else instead, regardless of who they are or why - especially "in honor of" the people you're announcing that you're not giving to. Third, there 's no requirement that you give favors at all, and whether or not you personally consider them "something that you will likely throw away" is irrelevant.

Nothing is stopping you from donating your own funds or property to any charity, but announcing to your guests (or at all, really) that you did it "in lieu of favors" comes off as smug and patting yourself on the back at your guests' expense, not as gracious and altruistic. If gracious and altruistic is how you want to appear, then skip favors, make the donation, and keep it to yourself. Don't announce it at your wedding. Your guests don't need to know.

MGP · February 2015

This discussion again? Seriously??

Would you take someone out to dinner and say "well I was going to pay for your dessert but its really not necessary so instead I am going to make a donation to the charity of my choice"?

Would you give someone a birthday gift and tell them "I was going to spend $100 on you but decided to donate $5 to the charity of my choice. So here's a $95 gift instead".

No, you would not. If you wouldn't do something on any other day then don't do it on your wedding day. Having a ring on your finger doesn't give you carte blanche to be as ass to people.

[Deleted User] · February 2015

maeday2 · February 2015

Why? I don't understand why a wedding would be the catalyst to donate to a charity.

If you donate regularly, awesome. If you suddenly feel compelled to donate, that's awesome as well.

Announcing that you've done this is what bothers me. Charity doesn't have to be recognized to make it valid.

Lastly, every time I see that someone wants to donate on my behalf I think of this:

southernbelle0915 · February 2015

MGP said:

This discussion again? Seriously?? Would you take someone out to dinner and say "well I was going to pay for your dessert but its really not necessary so instead I am going to make a donation to the charity of my choice"? Would you give someone a birthday gift and tell them "I was going to spend $100 on you but decided to donate $5 to the charity of my choice. So here's a $95 gift instead". No, you would not. If you wouldn't do something on any other day then don't do it on your wedding day. Having a ring on your finger doesn't give you carte blanche to be as ass to people.

PREACH

MGP · February 2015

pinkrevenge said:

MGP said:

This discussion again? Seriously?? Would you take someone out to dinner and say "well I was going to pay for your dessert but its really not necessary so instead I am going to make a donation to the charity of my choice"? Would you give someone a birthday gift and tell them "I was going to spend $100 on you but decided to donate $5 to the charity of my choice. So here's a $95 gift instead". No, you would not. If you wouldn't do something on any other day then don't do it on your wedding day. Having a ring on your finger doesn't give you carte blanche to be as ass to people.

This, especially since at a wedding I'm guessing we're seeing nice flowers and the bride has a good dress, maybe professional hair and makeup. Imagine that same friend who took you out to dinner as a thank you for something you did not only told you she won't be buying you dessert because of a charity, but she also showed up in an expensive new outfit or after she picked you up in a shiny new car.

You know what? Generally I would have no problem with someone gifting me less and spending money on themselves, because I have no control over what someone does with their money, especially if they didn't make it obvious. I would have no idea they wanted to spend $100 on my gift and only spent $50 unless they actually said it. I would just accept the $50 gift at face value, thank them for it, and move on. When brides prioritize their own luxuries and comforts over themselves instead of properly hosting falls into a whole other territory though.

But when someone says/implies "I had the money to spend on you, but I chose not to, and donated it instead, and I am telling everyone I can to make me look like such an altruistic, selfless charity monger" is when it becomes self serving and gauche.

And any friend who would offer to take me out to dinner and not buy me dessert when I wanted it would no longer be friend of mine after that dinner.

ohannabelle · February 2015

jessicasteele said:

I'm jumping into this a little late, so I don't know if you have had your wedding or not, but I think just one sign posted either on a guest book signing table or cake table would be classy. Don't clutter the tables with extra stuff. And maybe word it like, "In honor of their wedding day, X & X have donated to a charity that is special to their hearts." And then give the name of the charity and maybe tell why it is so special to you. If you did have your wedding, how did you end up doing it? And did any of your guests tell you that they hated it as much as some of these posters?

If a cause is truly special to someone, then they don't need to publicly brag and make a self serving display of it.

There is no "classy" way to post a sign about how great you are, and what good things you did, at an event that you planned for yourself.

It's attention seeking, self praising, and boastful, no matter how you dress it up.

Your guests, presumably, have manners, and are not going to tell you that you look like a self important ass parading your good works to gain the admiration of the crowd. They'll smile and say, Isn't that nice?

No, it isn't.

Giving is nice.

Bragging isn't.

It's that simple.

PrettyGirlLost · February 2015

Lashtoncasserly said:

This board is so sad. Your responses to this girl were so mean.
Thank you for doing this! As a guest at your wedding I would much prefer that you donate money to a worthy cause than give me something that I will likely throw away. I would like knowing that you did that. My suggestion would be to do it on a small separate table next to the gift table. There are so many ways you can do this, depending on the formality of your wedding and the charity you are giving to. If your wedding is on the casual side, you can add some humor to it.

As a guest at your reception, which you are hosting for the guests, I'd much prefer that you invested in a photo booth which provides entertainment for me, or upgrade your appetizer, bar, or meal selections than donate money to a worthy cause. Sorrynotsorry.

If you want to donate to a worthy cause, kudos, but that is appropriate for another time and place.

bizzy592 · February 2015

Since you believe the charity you've chosen is important to many guests, and something they'd like to be a part of, perhaps you could mention on your registry page that donations to said charity are welcome in lieu of gifts?

plainjane0415 · February 2015

lizabobiza said:

Since you believe the charity you've chosen is important to many guests, and something they'd like to be a part of, perhaps you could mention on your registry page that donations to said charity are welcome in lieu of gifts?

Nope.

Jen4948 · February 2015

lizabobiza said:
Since you believe the charity you've chosen is important to many guests, and something they'd like to be a part of, perhaps you could mention on your registry page that donations to said charity are welcome in lieu of gifts?

Inappropriate. Just skip the favors and any mention of the donation.

[Deleted User] · February 2015

levioosa · February 2015

How I feel about this entire thread:

MGP · February 2015

lizabobiza said:

Since you believe the charity you've chosen is important to many guests, and something they'd like to be a part of, perhaps you could mention on your registry page that donations to said charity are welcome in lieu of gifts?

No, no, and no again. The cause may be important to YOU but you DO NOT know if it is important to other people and that is a pretty gross assumption to make. No matter how well you know your guests, I guarantee you do not know their charitable giving habits.

Full disclosure: I am not an animal person. Don't hate them, just don't love them. My passions will always lie with helping people, especially children, especially disabled children. So if you decide to donate to the ASPCA or PETA in lieu of favors because you assume that it is a cause that is "important" to me and I "want to be involved" - I am going to be pretty pissed off. I don't have any issues with the causes, but I do have issues with you rubbing in my face that you could have spent money on me and you didn't and want accolades for doing so. Additionally if you suggest a charity as a way to gift you on a registry that is not going to sit well with me either. Unless stated in a will ("in lieu of flowers" sort of thing) my charitable dollars are still spent at my discretion.

If you want to give, then give. But giving $75 to a charity instead of giving your guests plastic bags filled with candy from Walmart with a little printed label of your monogram initials DOES NOT MAKE YOU A PHILANTHROPIST.

ETA - if you want to be involved with a charity there is an appropriate time and place to do that. Appropriate time = not at a wedding. Appropriate place = not at a wedding.

BDCsarahbth · February 2015

levioosa said:

jessicasteele said:

I'm jumping into this a little late, so I don't know if you have had your wedding or not, but I think just one sign posted either on a guest book signing table or cake table would be classy. Don't clutter the tables with extra stuff. And maybe word it like, "In honor of their wedding day, X & X have donated to a charity that is special to their hearts." And then give the name of the charity and maybe tell why it is so special to you. If you did have your wedding, how did you end up doing it? And did any of your guests tell you that they hated it as much as some of these posters?

No no no no no.

Of course your loved ones aren't going to tell you when they think something is rude. That doesn't mean it isn't rude, though. They just love you enough to look past it. But trust that they'll remember it.

You need to lurk and read. A "charitable donation" is really just a showy, selfish act. Want to give something up? Give up the fancy dress, or your flowers, or a great photography package, and donate silently. That's something that you are giving up. But instead you want to yank it from your guests when those favors (and the reception itself) is supposed to be entirely about thanking them? And then shove it in their face? Gross. In addition, the B & G's charity might not be one the guests even like, so it's an added slap in their face. Extra gross.

I generally think donations need not be heralded by telling others about them.

But if a couple wants to announce a donation has been made to a charity, once on a notice posted by the guest book, that is fine.

The mistake would be to announce it as instead of anything else.

Favors, bouquets, & decorations are all optional, and if you do not budget for them, and do budget for a charity donation, that is a nice thing.

The donation is a gift from the newly married couple to the charity. Period. Nothing more, not given by guests, not instead of or in lieu of anything else not purchased.

southernbelle0915 · February 2015

BDCsarahbth said:
I generally think donations need not be heralded by telling others about them.

But if a couple wants to announce a donation has been made to a charity, once on a notice posted by the guest book, that is fine.

The mistake would be to announce it as instead of anything else.

Favors, bouquets, & decorations are all optional, and if you do not budget for them, and do budget for a charity donation, that is a nice thing.

The donation is a gift from the newly married couple to the charity. Period. Nothing more, not given by guests, not instead of or in lieu of anything else not purchased.

To the bolded: What? No. How is this any different?

Does it make sense for a couple hosting a 4th of July BBQ or dinner party to make a sign that says, "We donated $100 to the Alzheimer's Association." Um, ok? Want a pat on the back? These types of announcements are unnecessary and attention-whorish at best.

Jen4948 · February 2015

BDCsarahbth said:

levioosa said:

jessicasteele said:

I'm jumping into this a little late, so I don't know if you have had your wedding or not, but I think just one sign posted either on a guest book signing table or cake table would be classy. Don't clutter the tables with extra stuff. And maybe word it like, "In honor of their wedding day, X & X have donated to a charity that is special to their hearts." And then give the name of the charity and maybe tell why it is so special to you. If you did have your wedding, how did you end up doing it? And did any of your guests tell you that they hated it as much as some of these posters?

No no no no no.

Of course your loved ones aren't going to tell you when they think something is rude. That doesn't mean it isn't rude, though. They just love you enough to look past it. But trust that they'll remember it.

You need to lurk and read. A "charitable donation" is really just a showy, selfish act. Want to give something up? Give up the fancy dress, or your flowers, or a great photography package, and donate silently. That's something that you are giving up. But instead you want to yank it from your guests when those favors (and the reception itself) is supposed to be entirely about thanking them? And then shove it in their face? Gross. In addition, the B & G's charity might not be one the guests even like, so it's an added slap in their face. Extra gross.

I generally think donations need not be heralded by telling others about them.

But if a couple wants to announce a donation has been made to a charity, once on a notice posted by the guest book, that is fine.

The mistake would be to announce it as instead of anything else.

Favors, bouquets, & decorations are all optional, and if you do not budget for them, and do budget for a charity donation, that is a nice thing.

The donation is a gift from the newly married couple to the charity. Period. Nothing more, not given by guests, not instead of or in lieu of anything else not purchased.

The mistake is to announce it all.

Sorry, but there is nothing gracious whatsoever about telling someone you invited that instead of giving them something they didn't ask for that you gave to someone else because you consider them more "in need" or because your invited guests "wouldn't want" whatever you might have given them instead.

If you want to give to charity, then give. But keep it to yourself.

MGP · February 2015

HEY GUYS

Today at the grocery store I gave $3 to the local food bank instead of spending it on cookies for my husband. I mean, he didn't NEED the cookies and I feel SO CHARITABLE giving that money away. I am assuming he is deeply passionate about ending hunger, so I can't wait for him to get home and show him the sign I put on the pantry saying "in lieu of cookies I gave that money to the food bank". He is going to be SO EXCITED and I can't wait for all of the attention and pats on the back he is going to give me. I will let you know how it goes! It makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside knowing what a good little philanthropist I am that I had to feed my ego even more and share my news with EVERYONE. I, however, made sure to get myself a bottle of my favorite white wine which is chilling in the fridge right now. Because being so incredibly SELFLESS calls for celebration.

Sounds ridiculous, right? Doing this at a wedding doesn't make it any less ridiculous.

BTW - I didn't actually do this. I got his cookies like a good wife.

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