Please Help!

Knottie35150991 · January 2015

My boyfriend and I have been planning our wedding since November. We picked the date (May 23rd), found the wedding and reception venues, and paid the deposits. I have my dress and so do my bridesmaids. However, we did things out of order and planned the wedding before even getting engaged. He just proposed so we just announced it and sent out "save the dates." His sister gets hers and says he job does not allow time off from May through September so she will not be able to attend. The wedding is in Pennsylvania, which is where my family lives, however, we live in California and she lives in Arizona. My fiance's father and sister are all the family that he has so I understand the importance of her being there but we've already planned EVERYTHING! My wedding checklist is almost complete! What do I do?

Viczaesar · January 2015

Knottie35150991 said:

My boyfriend and I have been planning our wedding since November. We picked the date (May 23rd), found the wedding and reception venues, and paid the deposits. I have my dress and so do my bridesmaids. However, we did things out of order and planned the wedding before even getting engaged. He just proposed so we just announced it and sent out "save the dates." His sister gets hers and says he job does not allow time off from May through September so she will not be able to attend. The wedding is in Pennsylvania, which is where my family lives, however, we live in California and she lives in Arizona. My fiance's father and sister are all the family that he has so I understand the importance of her being there but we've already planned EVERYTHING! My wedding checklist is almost complete! What do I do?

Well, what you should have done was talk to your MVPs - the people you each can't imagine not being there when you get married - before you made final decisions. It sounds like you didn't do this primarily because he hadn't officially proposed yet, which is strange. If your FI can't imagine getting married without his sister there and wants to make sure she can attend you will have to change your date. If not you'll have to say "We'll be sorry to miss you but we understand." It's your choice.

AddieCake · January 2015

If you were actively planning a wedding, you were engaged. Ditto Vic. Change your date or tell her you're sorry she can't make it.

charlottesmom0626 · January 2015

Sorry but what else can you expect us to tell you? You can't force her to attend, and you didn't check with her schedule. Change your date or she can't attend.

southernbelle0915 · January 2015

Planning 101 is to make sure your VIPs can make it before you book stuff. That's water under the bridge now, so you just have to decide whether to move the date or keep everything as is, knowing she can't come.

I am curious though, what does she do that makes her unable to take time off May-Sept. The only thing I could come up with was Lifeguard.

charlottesmom0626 · January 2015

southernbelle0915 said:

Planning 101 is to make sure your VIPs can make it before you book stuff. That's water under the bridge now, so you just have to decide whether to move the date or keep everything as is, knowing she can't come. I am curious though, what does she do that makes her unable to take time off May-Sept. The only thing I could come up with was Lifeguard.

to be fair anyone that works in entertainment industries (museums, parks, zoos) most likely need to be available for the busy season when kids are out of school. I'm in this camp, I work at a zoo and they strongly encourage our vacation time used outside of the summer months

lovesclimbing · January 2015

charlottesmom0626 said:

southernbelle0915 said:

Planning 101 is to make sure your VIPs can make it before you book stuff. That's water under the bridge now, so you just have to decide whether to move the date or keep everything as is, knowing she can't come. I am curious though, what does she do that makes her unable to take time off May-Sept. The only thing I could come up with was Lifeguard.

to be fair anyone that works in entertainment industries (museums, parks, zoos) most likely need to be available for the busy season when kids are out of school. I'm in this camp, I work at a zoo and they strongly encourage our vacation time used outside of the summer months

Yea, there are a lot of jobs actually. Farmers, some fishermen, workers in the tourism industry, construction if she's in a northern area of the country (I'm in Alaska - summer is not-entirely-jokingly referred to as construction season).

Maggie0829 · January 2015

AddieCake said:

If you were actively planning a wedding, you were engaged. Ditto Vic. Change your date or tell her you're sorry she can't make it.

This. These are your only two options.

I really can't believe that you and your FI did not consider yourself engaged prior to the proposal even though you picked a wedding date and booked your venues. Really?

mikenberger · January 2015

Maggie0829 said:

AddieCake said:

If you were actively planning a wedding, you were engaged. Ditto Vic. Change your date or tell her you're sorry she can't make it.

This. These are your only two options.

I really can't believe that you and your FI did not consider yourself engaged prior to the proposal even though you picked a wedding date and booked your venues. Really?

Ditto all of this.

ShesSoCold · January 2015

Ditto PPs. You really should have checked dates with the VIPs before you booked. Your only options now are to change the date or get married without her there.

Hell, I planned my wedding in 14 days and even checked with my VIPs.

WhimsicalWeddings&Events · January 2015

Hello, Well, there really is no point in telling you what you should have done so we can just concentrate on what your options are! With that in mind, are you able to change the date with your venue? 1. If yes, then CHECK THE DATE with the guests you must have there and select a new date. 2. If no, then your options are as follows: -Have the sister ask if she can have off based on the special situation. I know you said her company says they are not allowed off but it never hurts to ask. Maybe they will make an exception. Especially, if she offers to work at another time for her company that maybe her other colleagues don't like to work.a -Consider streaming the wedding live so that his sister can at least be present from afar. I did this for a client once whose mother was too sick to make it to their wedding so we streamed the ceremony and parts of the reception to her. -Last option and most undesireable option, his sister is not able to attend his wedding. Try not to beat yourself up too much about this mistake. There are hundreds of details to remember while planning your wedding. I hope this helps!

edit - post edited by moderator

apromise22 · January 2015

Maggie0829 said:

AddieCake said:

If you were actively planning a wedding, you were engaged. Ditto Vic. Change your date or tell her you're sorry she can't make it.

This. These are your only two options.

I really can't believe that you and your FI did not consider yourself engaged prior to the proposal even though you picked a wedding date and booked your venues. Really?

I know a couple that booked their venue before they got engaged, because the venues they liked in their area got booked way ahead. I didn't officially do anything before we got engaged, but I researched venues and other wedding stuff online, because I knew my fiance and I would have a (relatively) short engagement and I wanted to get a head start. I don't think it's that strange. Most couples plan to marry before they officially get engaged.

Maggie0829 · January 2015

apromise22 said:

Maggie0829 said:

AddieCake said:

If you were actively planning a wedding, you were engaged. Ditto Vic. Change your date or tell her you're sorry she can't make it.

This. These are your only two options.

I really can't believe that you and your FI did not consider yourself engaged prior to the proposal even though you picked a wedding date and booked your venues. Really?

I know a couple that booked their venue before they got engaged, because the venues they liked in their area got booked way ahead. I didn't officially do anything before we got engaged, but I researched venues and other wedding stuff online, because I knew my fiance and I would have a (relatively) short engagement and I wanted to get a head start. I don't think it's that strange. Most couples plan to marry before they officially get engaged.

Yes, most couples talk about marriage prior to getting engaged BUT most couples DO NOT actually plan their wedding prior to getting engaged!. When you start to plan your wedding to the point you start booking shit, you are engaged. An over the top, movie-esque proposal does not make you officially engaged. What does make you officially engaged to be married is picking a date and booking venues for your wedding. How is this hard to realize?

southernbelle0915 · January 2015

Maggie0829 said:

apromise22 said:

Maggie0829 said:

AddieCake said:

If you were actively planning a wedding, you were engaged. Ditto Vic. Change your date or tell her you're sorry she can't make it.

This. These are your only two options.

I really can't believe that you and your FI did not consider yourself engaged prior to the proposal even though you picked a wedding date and booked your venues. Really?

I know a couple that booked their venue before they got engaged, because the venues they liked in their area got booked way ahead. I didn't officially do anything before we got engaged, but I researched venues and other wedding stuff online, because I knew my fiance and I would have a (relatively) short engagement and I wanted to get a head start. I don't think it's that strange. Most couples plan to marry before they officially get engaged.

Yes, most couples talk about marriage prior to getting engaged BUT most couples DO NOT actually plan their wedding prior to getting engaged!. When you start to plan your wedding to the point you start booking shit, you are engaged. An over the top, movie-esque proposal does not make you officially engaged. What does make you officially engaged to be married is picking a date and booking venues for your wedding. How is this hard to realize?

This.

"Engaged" literally means you've both agreed to be married. If you're booking venues, you've obviously agreed that you're getting married. Materialistic stuff like a ring or some mega-romantic proposal may be icing on the cake, but at the heart of it, being "engaged" is just agreeing to get married.

short+sassy · January 2015

Good points, ladies! I was WAY more excited when my DH sat down with me over brunch and explained why he had not proposed yet...with the explanation also strongly hinting that one was on its way than I was when he did the "official" down on one knee with the ring proposal.

Don't get me wrong, both moments were awesome. But the first one was when I knew that marriage was FINALLY on the horizon. We had been together an insanely long amount of time and whenever the subject came up...by me bringing it up...it was always this "yeah, definitely someday" kind of reaction.

Viczaesar · January 2015

WhimsicalWeddings&Events said:

Hello, Well, there really is no point in telling you what you should have done so we can just concentrate on what your options are! With that in mind, are you able to change the date with your venue? 1. If yes, then CHECK THE DATE with the guests you must have there and select a new date. 2. If no, then your options are as follows: -Have the sister ask if she can have off based on the special situation. I know you said her company says they are not allowed off but it never hurts to ask. Maybe they will make an exception. Especially, if she offers to work at another time for her company that maybe her other colleagues don't like to work.a -Consider streaming the wedding live so that his sister can at least be present from afar. I did this for a client once whose mother was too sick to make it to their wedding so we streamed the ceremony and parts of the reception to her. -Last option and most undesireable option, his sister is not able to attend his wedding. Try not to beat yourself up too much about this mistake. There are hundreds of details to remember while planning your wedding. I hope this helps!

edit - post edited by moderator

You cannot advertize here. @southernbelle0915, @ShesSoCold, can either of you do anything about it, since there apparently isn't a mod for Wedding 911?

southernbelle0915 · January 2015

Viczaesar.

We've roped in KnotRiley and notified the user.

Knottie96022376 · February 2015

Maybe you could include helping pay for a plane ticket in your wedding budget? That way she could fly out Friday after work, enjoy the wedding and head back Sunday or maybe even Memorial Day.

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