Wedding Party

My Matron of Honor refuses to get a babysitter for the wedding

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Re: My Matron of Honor refuses to get a babysitter for the wedding

  • c+j2015 said:
    PrettyGirlLost Do you know the difference between an opinion and a fact? Because the way you state giving "direct, concise, no bullshit advice" and "how ridiculous and selfish and shallow the OP was coming off" is not a fact, it's your opinion, and heaven forbid I disagree with you. I read her post, I read all the responses, and I still think the majority of people here were being insanely judgmental and harsh. Just as you didn't care that you had a child cry through you're wedding, the OP IS allowed to care. We're all allowed to care about whatever we want to! It's called having free will! You have no right to tell her that she's being ridiculous or selfish for wanting her wedding the way she wants, given that her wishes were pretty simple. No kid weddings, as we've said, are a pretty common thing, so her request should not illicit the kind of battering that it did.
    This! 
    I did feel very judged. 
    Thank you!
    Okay, you can feel judged. But would you rather be judged by a bunch of strangers from the internet or by your friends and family?
    I'd rather be judged by people who know me and my situation than some stranger who jumps to conclusions. 
  • c+j2015 said:
    c+j2015 said:
    Thank you! All the mean spirited comments have left me discouraged about posting on public forums too. Honestly, I'm glad for the small number of number of genuine posts like yours. 
    Genuine posts?  Oh you mean the small number of posts validating you?

    Because every.single.poster gave you genuine advice. 

    Did you ever stop to think that if this many total strangers have such a strong reaction to your posts, that perhaps whatever it is you are posting about is actually a shitty idea or rude, etc?
    Oh I did. But then I remembered where the advice is coming from and that you all don't actually know me or my whole situation. So I'm taking all the "advice" with a grain of salt. It's not a shitty idea to want a kid free wedding and yes I told my MOH that it was kid free from the beginning so that was not a "fast one" on her. When I asked her what her plan was, she got very defensive and that's how this whole thing blew up. I never told her she HAD to do anything. I gave her options and told her I was open to suggestions. She didn't like my options and didn't have anything to suggest t the time. I think her feelings were hurt and she took it a little too personally that I don't want kids at the wedding. She made it seem like I just don't want HER kid at the wedding. That is of course not true. Even the kids that a part of the ceremony are going home afterwards because their parents respect my wish of having a child free ceremony. 

    BINGOBINGOBINGOBINGOBINGO

    Your prize:
    image
  • c+j2015 said:
    c+j2015 said:
    PrettyGirlLost Do you know the difference between an opinion and a fact? Because the way you state giving "direct, concise, no bullshit advice" and "how ridiculous and selfish and shallow the OP was coming off" is not a fact, it's your opinion, and heaven forbid I disagree with you. I read her post, I read all the responses, and I still think the majority of people here were being insanely judgmental and harsh. Just as you didn't care that you had a child cry through you're wedding, the OP IS allowed to care. We're all allowed to care about whatever we want to! It's called having free will! You have no right to tell her that she's being ridiculous or selfish for wanting her wedding the way she wants, given that her wishes were pretty simple. No kid weddings, as we've said, are a pretty common thing, so her request should not illicit the kind of battering that it did.
    This! 
    I did feel very judged. 
    Thank you!
    Okay, you can feel judged. But would you rather be judged by a bunch of strangers from the internet or by your friends and family?
    I'd rather be judged by people who know me and my situation than some stranger who jumps to conclusions. 
    image
  • southernbelle0915 So if we're both on the same page about it being ok to have kid-free weddings, then why the heck are we arguing??? The OP didn't tell her MOH that she HAD to have a babysitter, she simply suggested it as an alternative to bringing the kid to the KID-FREE wedding. I mean, if she and her husband are both attending the wedding, it seems logical that a babysitter might be the best alternative option. As the OP said though, they came to an agreement, which is good for them, but apparently not good enough for everyone else who just insists on hating her for the sake of hating her.
    THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH A CHILD FREE WEDDING.

    However, there is something wrong with this attitude, which was stated in the OP:
    "I don't want the baby to be with her the WHOLE day"

    As Flantastic said, "I certainly would reconsider my friendship with someone who was so fucking concerned that my baby might somehow ruin her day than to make sure I or my husband could be there.  If your superficial idea of your perfect wedding day is more important than the comfort of the people you invite, or the participation of the people you supposedly want to make honored guests (the WP), you're doing it wrong and/or you shouldn't invite any guests."

    Do you get it yet?

    We support child free weddings.  But we also support common fucking sense and courtesy.  When you ask parents to be in your WP, especially when both parents are going to be in the WP, you as a bride need to be flexible, to exercise common sense, and you need to trust your WP members to figure out how to parent their own child and what to do with him on their own, without you expressing your "concern" over their child care plan.  Because that will always come off as insulting and will seem to them as if you are worried more about your vision and your beautiful, perfect, most special fucking day than their actual friendship and presence. . . and that's exactly the only thing brides are worried about when they have these talks with their friends and family.

    These posts prove that over and over again.




    The issues, as has been explained in other posts, is that the OP should have never ever approached the MOH with her concern over what the MOH was going to do with her son that day.  It came across as insulting to her MOH, and
    If the kid is with her most of the day, then that inherently means that the kid will be at the wedding, either the ceremony, photos, reception, or all of the above. There's no way around that. The MOH accepted her position as a MOH at a child-free wedding, and then asked for her kid to be the exception. Or maybe the OP made the child-free mandate after asking her to be MOH, no one knows because the OP didn't specify! But I'm giving her the benefit of the doubt and assuming she didn't pull a fast one on her friend last minute. So yes, I generally agree with your sentiment and conclusion, but the actual events make "kid-free wedding" and "not caring what my friend does with her kid during my wedding" mutually exclusive.

    I said this earlier in the thread, right before the part PGL quoted. SHE CAN DECIDE NOT TO MAKE THE EXCEPTION FOR MOH. However, then MOH might not be at the wedding. OP's attitude doesn't sound like she'd forgive the MOH for that, even though she created the dilemma. If she wants to be sure her supposed best friend can be at the wedding, she needs to make the exception. That is all.

    ETA: Most brides don't say when asking someone to be MOH - "Will you be my MOH? But just so you know, your kid won't be invited." Which means the adult event info probably came at a time after the MOH already agreed to be in the WP. So the MOH naturally thought - "Well, if she wants us both to be able to participate, she'll have to let us bring our kid. If not, we won't be able to participate." This isn't abnormal behavior or super rude or falling down on her commitment. 

    Did you miss my post about the compromise me and my MOH came to? I was never so unforgiving. And I did ask her what she wanted to about the baby before I asked her to be my  MOH. She said she would rather have a babysitter so she can enjoy the day. I said "great! it will be a kid free wedding and I wanted to make sure where you were on your situation" I offered her every reasonable option. A babysitter, someone to watch him at the wedding or even just someone to hold him while the ceremony is happening and she could take care of him the rest of the time. BUT she doesn't feel comfortable even letting our mutual friends hold him where she can see. I did make exceptions for her. 
  • c+j2015 said:
    c+j2015 said:
    Thank you! All the mean spirited comments have left me discouraged about posting on public forums too. Honestly, I'm glad for the small number of number of genuine posts like yours. 
    Genuine posts?  Oh you mean the small number of posts validating you?

    Because every.single.poster gave you genuine advice. 

    Did you ever stop to think that if this many total strangers have such a strong reaction to your posts, that perhaps whatever it is you are posting about is actually a shitty idea or rude, etc?
    Oh I did. But then I remembered where the advice is coming from and that you all don't actually know me or my whole situation. So I'm taking all the "advice" with a grain of salt. It's not a shitty idea to want a kid free wedding and yes I told my MOH that it was kid free from the beginning so that was not a "fast one" on her. When I asked her what her plan was, she got very defensive and that's how this whole thing blew up. I never told her she HAD to do anything. I gave her options and told her I was open to suggestions. She didn't like my options and didn't have anything to suggest t the time. I think her feelings were hurt and she took it a little too personally that I don't want kids at the wedding. She made it seem like I just don't want HER kid at the wedding. That is of course not true. Even the kids that a part of the ceremony are going home afterwards because their parents respect my wish of having a child free ceremony. 

    BINGOBINGOBINGOBINGOBINGO

    I am- quite literally- ROFLMAO
  • c+j2015 said:
    southernbelle0915 So if we're both on the same page about it being ok to have kid-free weddings, then why the heck are we arguing??? The OP didn't tell her MOH that she HAD to have a babysitter, she simply suggested it as an alternative to bringing the kid to the KID-FREE wedding. I mean, if she and her husband are both attending the wedding, it seems logical that a babysitter might be the best alternative option. As the OP said though, they came to an agreement, which is good for them, but apparently not good enough for everyone else who just insists on hating her for the sake of hating her.
    What OP did you read? Because I read the one that said the bolded below:
    c+j2015 said:
    Hey!

    So my matron of honor has a 6 month old and at the time of the wedding the baby will be 8 months. She doesn't trust anyone to watch him but I don't want the baby to be with her the WHOLE day. Her husband is also in the wedding. I asked her to find a babysitter and she said no. She offered for her husband to step out of the wedding but that throws the numbers off. I could ask her to also step down so she can be with the baby but then I have an extra dress. I hate to replace a groomsmen this late in the game. I feel like they would think they are just a backup. When I tried to talk to her about it, she seemed offended that I would suggest getting a babysitter. I just don't trust her to be an active participant in the wedding with her baby around the whole time. Any advice on how to handle this delicately without losing a friendship?
    "I don't want the baby with her the WHOLE day. I asked her to find a babysitter and she said no."
    How do those words equate into "The OP didn't tell her MOH that she HAD to have a babysitter" 
    I never said she HAD to get a babysitter. I asked her if she would because that would be a logical solution. I also asked if she could bring someone with her to help watch him. I also asked if she could let him sit with someone during the ceremony. She said no to all my options. That's when I got frustrated and made the OP. 

    Except your OP was not about that. And you never returned to add or clarify.

    We can only judge and give advice based on what you actually post, and what you actually posted was "I just don't trust her to be an active participant in the wedding with her baby around the whole time."

    And so people said that while it would be reasonable for the baby not to be with her during the ceremony, there was very little involved in being an "active participant" in the wedding and it made sense that the baby might need to be with her during many other parts of the day. Because it's a baby and your friends are its parents.

    Actually, I did return and posted a very lengthy reply. 
  • What is there to say NO to? They just asked if I was inviting children. When I said "no" they made other plans for their kids. I didn't force them. 
  • c+j2015 said:
    What is there to say NO to? They just asked if I was inviting children. When I said "no" they made other plans for their kids. I didn't force them. 

    You said: Even the kids that a part of the ceremony are going home afterwards because their parents respect my wish of having a child free ceremony. 

    So you are saying that there are children in the ceremony, but you made them leave after their part? If that is what you are saying, I am saying, NO, you cannot do that, that is treating children like props. 
    image
  • c+j2015 said:
    What is there to say NO to? They just asked if I was inviting children. When I said "no" they made other plans for their kids. I didn't force them. 

    You said: Even the kids that a part of the ceremony are going home afterwards because their parents respect my wish of having a child free ceremony. 

    So you are saying that there are children in the ceremony, but you made them leave after their part? If that is what you are saying, I am saying, NO, you cannot do that, that is treating children like props. 
    The kids are not props! I never told the parents to take them home. The parents didn't want to watch their kids during the reception. They told me that directly after I told I hadn't invited any children that are not IN the wedding. How is that forcing them? Like many of you have said, if the no-kids concept means they can't come, then the wont. That is their choice. 
  • c+j2015 said:
    c+j2015 said:
    southernbelle0915 So if we're both on the same page about it being ok to have kid-free weddings, then why the heck are we arguing??? The OP didn't tell her MOH that she HAD to have a babysitter, she simply suggested it as an alternative to bringing the kid to the KID-FREE wedding. I mean, if she and her husband are both attending the wedding, it seems logical that a babysitter might be the best alternative option. As the OP said though, they came to an agreement, which is good for them, but apparently not good enough for everyone else who just insists on hating her for the sake of hating her.
    What OP did you read? Because I read the one that said the bolded below:
    c+j2015 said:
    Hey!

    So my matron of honor has a 6 month old and at the time of the wedding the baby will be 8 months. She doesn't trust anyone to watch him but I don't want the baby to be with her the WHOLE day. Her husband is also in the wedding. I asked her to find a babysitter and she said no. She offered for her husband to step out of the wedding but that throws the numbers off. I could ask her to also step down so she can be with the baby but then I have an extra dress. I hate to replace a groomsmen this late in the game. I feel like they would think they are just a backup. When I tried to talk to her about it, she seemed offended that I would suggest getting a babysitter. I just don't trust her to be an active participant in the wedding with her baby around the whole time. Any advice on how to handle this delicately without losing a friendship?
    "I don't want the baby with her the WHOLE day. I asked her to find a babysitter and she said no."
    How do those words equate into "The OP didn't tell her MOH that she HAD to have a babysitter" 
    I never said she HAD to get a babysitter. I asked her if she would because that would be a logical solution. I also asked if she could bring someone with her to help watch him. I also asked if she could let him sit with someone during the ceremony. She said no to all my options. That's when I got frustrated and made the OP. 

    Except your OP was not about that. And you never returned to add or clarify.

    We can only judge and give advice based on what you actually post, and what you actually posted was "I just don't trust her to be an active participant in the wedding with her baby around the whole time."

    And so people said that while it would be reasonable for the baby not to be with her during the ceremony, there was very little involved in being an "active participant" in the wedding and it made sense that the baby might need to be with her during many other parts of the day. Because it's a baby and your friends are its parents.

    Actually, I did return and posted a very lengthy reply. 
    You mean the one from 11 days later? You (and these other shiny new posters "defending" you) can't be mad about what people posted in those 11 days with only your very selfish-sounding OP to go on.
  • c+j2015c+j2015 member
    Name Dropper First Comment 5 Love Its
    edited February 2015
    redoryx said:
    c+j2015 said:
    What is there to say NO to? They just asked if I was inviting children. When I said "no" they made other plans for their kids. I didn't force them. 
    You're having a child free wedding. So, yes, you are forcing them. Are you kidding me? And while child free weddings are totally okay and etiquette approved, if you are unable to see what is wrong and rude about saying "Look, I want your kid to dress pretty so they can be part of the ceremony and look cute in pictures but then you need to send them home because they aren't invited to the reception" then I don't think any of us can help you.
    redoryx said it better than I did, but yes, that is what I am saying no to. Children are invited or not invited. If they are IN THE CEREMONY or THERE FOR PICTURES, they have to be invited to stay the whole time. Parents may choose to remove them, but it is their call at that point. 
    It is their call! They decided to have someone pick them up! Yes they asked if I was having a kid free wedding and I said yes but that is not forcing anyone!
  • c+j2015 said:
    c+j2015 said:
    PrettyGirlLost Do you know the difference between an opinion and a fact? Because the way you state giving "direct, concise, no bullshit advice" and "how ridiculous and selfish and shallow the OP was coming off" is not a fact, it's your opinion, and heaven forbid I disagree with you. I read her post, I read all the responses, and I still think the majority of people here were being insanely judgmental and harsh. Just as you didn't care that you had a child cry through you're wedding, the OP IS allowed to care. We're all allowed to care about whatever we want to! It's called having free will! You have no right to tell her that she's being ridiculous or selfish for wanting her wedding the way she wants, given that her wishes were pretty simple. No kid weddings, as we've said, are a pretty common thing, so her request should not illicit the kind of battering that it did.
    This! 
    I did feel very judged. 
    Thank you!
    Okay, you can feel judged. But would you rather be judged by a bunch of strangers from the internet or by your friends and family?
    I'd rather be judged by people who know me and my situation than some stranger who jumps to conclusions. 
    I have to ask why you would then come to an Internet forum and ask complete strangers for their advise and opinions?
    I honestly thought a third party view might be helpful.You have proved me wrong.  It was helpful to see how you all reacted. I will never again post something asking for advice in such a personal matter without a script to display how the situation came to be. 
  • scribe95 said:
    Just a note from your friendly moderator - this thread has gotten several reported posts and warning. Any more and it will be closed. Try to reign it in a little.
    Really? What is the rule on this (honestly curios)? Because I haven't seen many TOS violations here. Does a thread get closed after of X number of reports, even if they are not actually viaolations?
  • geebee908geebee908 member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    edited February 2015
    c+j2015 said:
    southernbelle0915 So if we're both on the same page about it being ok to have kid-free weddings, then why the heck are we arguing??? The OP didn't tell her MOH that she HAD to have a babysitter, she simply suggested it as an alternative to bringing the kid to the KID-FREE wedding. I mean, if she and her husband are both attending the wedding, it seems logical that a babysitter might be the best alternative option. As the OP said though, they came to an agreement, which is good for them, but apparently not good enough for everyone else who just insists on hating her for the sake of hating her.
    THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH A CHILD FREE WEDDING.

    However, there is something wrong with this attitude, which was stated in the OP:
    "I don't want the baby to be with her the WHOLE day"

    As Flantastic said, "I certainly would reconsider my friendship with someone who was so fucking concerned that my baby might somehow ruin her day than to make sure I or my husband could be there.  If your superficial idea of your perfect wedding day is more important than the comfort of the people you invite, or the participation of the people you supposedly want to make honored guests (the WP), you're doing it wrong and/or you shouldn't invite any guests."

    Do you get it yet?

    We support child free weddings.  But we also support common fucking sense and courtesy.  When you ask parents to be in your WP, especially when both parents are going to be in the WP, you as a bride need to be flexible, to exercise common sense, and you need to trust your WP members to figure out how to parent their own child and what to do with him on their own, without you expressing your "concern" over their child care plan.  Because that will always come off as insulting and will seem to them as if you are worried more about your vision and your beautiful, perfect, most special fucking day than their actual friendship and presence. . . and that's exactly the only thing brides are worried about when they have these talks with their friends and family.

    These posts prove that over and over again.




    The issues, as has been explained in other posts, is that the OP should have never ever approached the MOH with her concern over what the MOH was going to do with her son that day.  It came across as insulting to her MOH, and
    If the kid is with her most of the day, then that inherently means that the kid will be at the wedding, either the ceremony, photos, reception, or all of the above. There's no way around that. The MOH accepted her position as a MOH at a child-free wedding, and then asked for her kid to be the exception. Or maybe the OP made the child-free mandate after asking her to be MOH, no one knows because the OP didn't specify! But I'm giving her the benefit of the doubt and assuming she didn't pull a fast one on her friend last minute. So yes, I generally agree with your sentiment and conclusion, but the actual events make "kid-free wedding" and "not caring what my friend does with her kid during my wedding" mutually exclusive.

    I said this earlier in the thread, right before the part PGL quoted. SHE CAN DECIDE NOT TO MAKE THE EXCEPTION FOR MOH. However, then MOH might not be at the wedding. OP's attitude doesn't sound like she'd forgive the MOH for that, even though she created the dilemma. If she wants to be sure her supposed best friend can be at the wedding, she needs to make the exception. That is all.

    ETA: Most brides don't say when asking someone to be MOH - "Will you be my MOH? But just so you know, your kid won't be invited." Which means the adult event info probably came at a time after the MOH already agreed to be in the WP. So the MOH naturally thought - "Well, if she wants us both to be able to participate, she'll have to let us bring our kid. If not, we won't be able to participate." This isn't abnormal behavior or super rude or falling down on her commitment. 

    Did you miss my post about the compromise me and my MOH came to? I was never so unforgiving. And I did ask her what she wanted to about the baby before I asked her to be my  MOH. She said she would rather have a babysitter so she can enjoy the day. I said "great! it will be a kid free wedding and I wanted to make sure where you were on your situation" I offered her every reasonable option. A babysitter, someone to watch him at the wedding or even just someone to hold him while the ceremony is happening and she could take care of him the rest of the time. BUT she doesn't feel comfortable even letting our mutual friends hold him where she can see. I did make exceptions for her. 
    I can see where your MOH would say at the outset that she would rather have a babysitter. Her child was probably newborn? unborn? She now has a 6 month old and experience has taught her that she doesn't want to do that anymore and by the time of your wedding, separation anxiety that is a natural part of a baby's development will likely be at its height.

    Your MOH needs to be able to be flexible with regard to the care of her infant; a baby's needs are changing all the time as they grow. You shouldn't expect her to be able to commit to someone else watching the baby until the time comes that that is what will be the best care option for her family.

    ETF: missing words
  • c+j2015 said:
    c+j2015 said:
    Thank you! All the mean spirited comments have left me discouraged about posting on public forums too. Honestly, I'm glad for the small number of number of genuine posts like yours. 
    Genuine posts?  Oh you mean the small number of posts validating you?

    Because every.single.poster gave you genuine advice. 

    Did you ever stop to think that if this many total strangers have such a strong reaction to your posts, that perhaps whatever it is you are posting about is actually a shitty idea or rude, etc?
    Oh I did. But then I remembered where the advice is coming from and that you all don't actually know me or my whole situation.   What whole situation?  You posted:
    " I don't want the baby to be with her the WHOLE day."

    "She offered for her husband to step out of the wedding but that throws the numbers off. I could ask her to also step down so she can be with the baby but then I have an extra dress. I hate to replace a groomsmen this late in the game."

    "I just don't trust her to be an active participant in the wedding with her baby around the whole time."

    "
    No kids are invited to the wedding. Mainly, because I tend to stress about small details and screaming kids is something I wanted to avoid."

    "
    I honestly just wanted to tell her how much her being there means to me but that I am worried about the care plan for her son. "

    These are the things we are taking issue with, not that you want to have a child free wedding.  Also, we have stated that often brides make exceptions for WP members who have infants.  Sorrynotsorry, that is just common sense and common courtesy.  Especially if the presence of your friends is really all that matters.  You'd want to make them being in your wedding as easy as possible.

    So I'm taking all the "advice" with a grain of salt. It's not a shitty idea to want a kid free wedding no one said that it was, but we are calling into question the rest of your attitude.  You really seem to be prioritizing your vision over your friends. and yes I told my MOH that it was kid free from the beginning so that was not a "fast one" on her. When I asked her what her plan was, she got very defensive and that's how this whole thing blew up.   Again, of course she was offended.  If she didn't bring her childcare plan up to, then she and her husband were going to handle parenting on their own.  You bringing your "concerns" up to her came across as a slap in the face- as if you didn't trust she and her husband to be able to take care of their child AND be in your wedding.  And they don't need to be with you or your FI the entirety of the day to begin with.  They need to be on time for the ceremony, that's it. 

    Again, you can't claim "OMG I love you so much and you being at my wedding means the world to me!" and then in the next breath say "but I'm worried about what you plan to do with your 8 month old child all day because we aren't inviting kids to the wedding."  That right there says to her that your vision is more important than her presence, because if her presence was all that mattered you'd CONSIDER and OFFER to make an exception for her because she has an infant.  
    I never told her she HAD to do anything. I gave her options and told her I was open to suggestions.   It sounds like from your OP, that she did feel she HAD to get a babysitter, whether you meant it to come across that way or not.  She didn't like my options and didn't have anything to suggest t the time. I think her feelings were hurt and she took it a little too personally that I don't want kids at the wedding.   Yes, I'm sure she did because you also put her and her H in a difficult spot since they are both in the wedding party.  You may also have come across as insincere and fake, because you claimed that having her in the wedding was super important to you, but you didn't seem to be flexible in a way that would make it easy for her and her H to both be in the wedding with you.  And now her H stepped down from being a GM, which is a shame.  She made it seem like I just don't want HER kid at the wedding. That is of course not true. Even the kids that a part of the ceremony are going home afterwards because their parents respect my wish of having a child free ceremony. 


    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


  • c+j2015 said:
    southernbelle0915 So if we're both on the same page about it being ok to have kid-free weddings, then why the heck are we arguing??? The OP didn't tell her MOH that she HAD to have a babysitter, she simply suggested it as an alternative to bringing the kid to the KID-FREE wedding. I mean, if she and her husband are both attending the wedding, it seems logical that a babysitter might be the best alternative option. As the OP said though, they came to an agreement, which is good for them, but apparently not good enough for everyone else who just insists on hating her for the sake of hating her.
    THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH A CHILD FREE WEDDING.

    However, there is something wrong with this attitude, which was stated in the OP:
    "I don't want the baby to be with her the WHOLE day"

    As Flantastic said, "I certainly would reconsider my friendship with someone who was so fucking concerned that my baby might somehow ruin her day than to make sure I or my husband could be there.  If your superficial idea of your perfect wedding day is more important than the comfort of the people you invite, or the participation of the people you supposedly want to make honored guests (the WP), you're doing it wrong and/or you shouldn't invite any guests."

    Do you get it yet?

    We support child free weddings.  But we also support common fucking sense and courtesy.  When you ask parents to be in your WP, especially when both parents are going to be in the WP, you as a bride need to be flexible, to exercise common sense, and you need to trust your WP members to figure out how to parent their own child and what to do with him on their own, without you expressing your "concern" over their child care plan.  Because that will always come off as insulting and will seem to them as if you are worried more about your vision and your beautiful, perfect, most special fucking day than their actual friendship and presence. . . and that's exactly the only thing brides are worried about when they have these talks with their friends and family.

    These posts prove that over and over again.




    The issues, as has been explained in other posts, is that the OP should have never ever approached the MOH with her concern over what the MOH was going to do with her son that day.  It came across as insulting to her MOH, and
    If the kid is with her most of the day, then that inherently means that the kid will be at the wedding, either the ceremony, photos, reception, or all of the above. There's no way around that. The MOH accepted her position as a MOH at a child-free wedding, and then asked for her kid to be the exception. Or maybe the OP made the child-free mandate after asking her to be MOH, no one knows because the OP didn't specify! But I'm giving her the benefit of the doubt and assuming she didn't pull a fast one on her friend last minute. So yes, I generally agree with your sentiment and conclusion, but the actual events make "kid-free wedding" and "not caring what my friend does with her kid during my wedding" mutually exclusive.

    I said this earlier in the thread, right before the part PGL quoted. SHE CAN DECIDE NOT TO MAKE THE EXCEPTION FOR MOH. However, then MOH might not be at the wedding. OP's attitude doesn't sound like she'd forgive the MOH for that, even though she created the dilemma. If she wants to be sure her supposed best friend can be at the wedding, she needs to make the exception. That is all.

    ETA: Most brides don't say when asking someone to be MOH - "Will you be my MOH? But just so you know, your kid won't be invited." Which means the adult event info probably came at a time after the MOH already agreed to be in the WP. So the MOH naturally thought - "Well, if she wants us both to be able to participate, she'll have to let us bring our kid. If not, we won't be able to participate." This isn't abnormal behavior or super rude or falling down on her commitment. 

    Did you miss my post about the compromise me and my MOH came to? I was never so unforgiving. And I did ask her what she wanted to about the baby before I asked her to be my  MOH. She said she would rather have a babysitter so she can enjoy the day. I said "great! it will be a kid free wedding and I wanted to make sure where you were on your situation" I offered her every reasonable option. A babysitter, someone to watch him at the wedding or even just someone to hold him while the ceremony is happening and she could take care of him the rest of the time. BUT she doesn't feel comfortable even letting our mutual friends hold him where she can see. I did make exceptions for her. 
    NOOOOW additional info is coming out. . .

    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


  • scribe95 said:
    There must be violations after a warning has been given. I have now given the warning as a polite way to calm the thread down.
    Gotcha. Thanks for clearing that up!
  • A friend of mine invited her MOH's parents to the wedding.  This way the MOH could be an active participant in the wedding ceremony and spend time with her child.  
  • I would love to invite her parents but unfortunately all parents live several states away and unable to attend. Thank you for the suggestion though. 
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