My Matron of Honor refuses to get a babysitter for the wedding

floridabride44 · February 2015

Basically here is what sums it up:

1. Everyone just gave you real, solid advice based on the information you gave. Your friends/family are not going to tell you you're rude to your face. But they will surely say it behind your back. Better to hear it from a bunch of strangers who "DONT KNOW YOU OR YOUR LIFE" than be considered rude by your friends/family.

2. You are not special and you are not the exception to the rule.

3. Etiquette applies to you, too.

4. Children are not props. Invite them to both ceremony and reception, or neither. Simple as that.

5.. Suggesting that your MOH leave her child with a stranger was wrong and bad and rude and you should apologize to her. You can't decide how she parents her child.

6. Sides don't need to be even in a bridal party. Ever.

7. A crying baby will not ruin your wedding, and any parent with half a brain would step outside with said crying child anyway to minimize any interruption or distraction during your ceremony.

8. Nobody called anybody a bitch. Except that one girl.

9. Child free weddings are fine. But you cannot put "Adults Only" on the invitation or wedding website. That's rude. Check out Invites & Paper board for more info.

Whew. Is that it? Did I forget anything?

shiv1222 · February 2015

People are acting like you are asking the mother to punt her baby into the ocean, never to be seen again. Or set it on fire. Or God knows what else. In the grand scheme of this child's life, ONE AFTERNOON is not a big deal. He/She will survive.

With that said, I have this same issue for my wedding, but with a bridesmaid who is also my cousin. My dearly loved, overly anxious new mom cousin. I had to yield to preserve the relationship. Her husband is not in the wedding and will be positioned to exit quickly if the baby starts crying.

Thing is, this isn't about being selfish. In the end, some people like babies at adult events and others don't. I think that babies are an overall distraction. A cute one, but a distraction. I don't think a loud event where lots of people are drinking is a great place for a baby.

I had to accept the fact that although I got to enjoy my cousin's day, be there for her, etc. she simply wot be able to do that for me. That's fine. I suggest inviting the matron of honor's mom, sister, other good friend or whatever to watch urging the ceremony and allow them to leave the reception early. That's what I'm doing.

Good luck, and don't let any criticism here make you feel bad. You are spending an insane amount of money on this event and deserve to have it as close to your way as you can.

PrettyGirlLost · February 2015

hsgator said:
Basically here is what sums it up:

1. Everyone just gave you real, solid advice based on the information you gave. Your friends/family are not going to tell you you're rude to your face. But they will surely say it behind your back. Better to hear it from a bunch of strangers who "DONT KNOW YOU OR YOUR LIFE" than be considered rude by your friends/family.
2. You are not special and you are not the exception to the rule.
3. Etiquette applies to you, too.
4. Children are not props. Invite them to both ceremony and reception, or neither. Simple as that.
5.. Suggesting that your MOH leave her child with a stranger was wrong and bad and rude and you should apologize to her. You can't decide how she parents her child.
6. Sides don't need to be even in a bridal party. Ever.
7. A crying baby will not ruin your wedding, and any parent with half a brain would step outside with said crying child anyway to minimize any interruption or distraction during your ceremony.
8. Nobody called anybody a bitch. Except that one girl.
9. Child free weddings are fine. But you cannot put "Adults Only" on the invitation or wedding website. That's rude. Check out Invites & Paper board for more info.

Whew. Is that it? Did I forget anything?

Do you consider yourself a reg, and if so are you a part of "my" regs?

Join us, we have cookies!

c+j2015 · February 2015

hsgator said:

Basically here is what sums it up:

1. Everyone just gave you real, solid advice based on the information you gave. Your friends/family are not going to tell you you're rude to your face. But they will surely say it behind your back. Better to hear it from a bunch of strangers who "DONT KNOW YOU OR YOUR LIFE" than be considered rude by your friends/family.
I will agree that I didn't give all the information that was needed to make an informed decision. However, I feel that instead of filling in the blanks on your own, it would have been nice if the respondents asked for the information they felt was missing. I have talked with my closest family and friends about this issue. None of them thought I was being unreasonable. No one has talked behind my back. They are just not like that.
2. You are not special and you are not the exception to the rule.
I never said I was special or an exception. I said I gave my MOH an exception.
3. Etiquette applies to you, too.
I'm not sure where you are going here. What etiquette did I break?
4. Children are not props. Invite them to both ceremony and reception, or neither. Simple as that.
I didn't have a chance to invite them. Their parents asked if I had invited any other children not in the wedding. When I said no, they said that was great because they didn't want to watch them all night.
5.. Suggesting that your MOH leave her child with a stranger was wrong and bad and rude and you should apologize to her. You can't decide how she parents her child.
I'm sure where the idea of leaving the baby with a stranger came from. I never said that. I asked her if she could find a babysitter. Note I never said she HAD to. I'm not trying to tell her how to parent.
6. Sides don't need to be even in a bridal party. Ever.
To be fair on this issue, I do have clinically diagnosed OCD. Odd numbers do really bother me but I got over that for this situation.
7. A crying baby will not ruin your wedding, and any parent with half a brain would step outside with said crying child anyway to minimize any interruption or distraction during your ceremony.
That would be a valid point if both parents weren't in the wedding at the time of OP.
8. Nobody called anybody a bitch. Except that one girl.

9. Child free weddings are fine. But you cannot put "Adults Only" on the invitation or wedding website. That's rude. Check out Invites & Paper board for more info.
I never said I put it on the invite or website. I'm not sure where this came from.
Whew. Is that it? Did I forget anything?

Knottie1433522602 · February 2015

c+j2015
I want to first and foremost apologize for some of the folks on here. Just because you are on the internet and no one can see you does not give you the right to be so rude and hurtful. As human beings we should know better.

As one who is currently planning a wedding and has been in many (as Maid of Honor and bridesmaid) I do understand your concern. It sounds like your friend is a first time mother and that can make her very overprotective of her child. Maybe you can offer to pay for a babysitter that would stay with her and the baby all day. When the ceremony comes around the babysitter can sit in the front row so the MOH is always near her child. Some sort of deal like that may make everyone happy.

I hope this works out for you. I understand why people were upset by your post. Some of your phrasing was not well thought out. That being said they had no right to attack you. I hope you read this, and I wish every bride on here a wonderful wedding

floridabride44 · February 2015

c+j2015 said:

hsgator said:

Basically here is what sums it up:

1. Everyone just gave you real, solid advice based on the information you gave. Your friends/family are not going to tell you you're rude to your face. But they will surely say it behind your back. Better to hear it from a bunch of strangers who "DONT KNOW YOU OR YOUR LIFE" than be considered rude by your friends/family.
I will agree that I didn't give all the information that was need to make an informed decision. However, I feel that instead of filling in the blanks on your own, it would have been nice if the respondents asked for the information they felt was missing. I have talked with my closed family and friends about this issue. None of them thought I was being unreasonable. No one has talked behind my back. They are just not like that.
2. You are not special and you are not the exception to the rule.
I never said I was special or an exception. I said I gave my MOH an exception.
3. Etiquette applies to you, too.
I'm not sure where you are going here. What etiquette did I break?
4. Children are not props. Invite them to both ceremony and reception, or neither. Simple as that.
I didn't have a chance to invite them. Their parents asked if I had invited any other children not in the wedding. When I said no, they said that was great because they didn't want to watch them all night.
5.. Suggesting that your MOH leave her child with a stranger was wrong and bad and rude and you should apologize to her. You can't decide how she parents her child.
I'm sure where the idea of leaving the baby with a stranger came from. I never said that. I asked her if she could find a babysitter. Note I never said she HAD to. I'm not trying to tell her how to parent.
6. Sides don't need to be even in a bridal party. Ever.
To be fair on this issue, I do have clinically diagnosed OCD. Odd numbers do really bother me but I got over that for this situation.
7. A crying baby will not ruin your wedding, and any parent with half a brain would step outside with said crying child anyway to minimize any interruption or distraction during your ceremony.
That would be a valid point if both parents weren't in the wedding at the time of OP.
8. Nobody called anybody a bitch. Except that one girl.

9. Child free weddings are fine. But you cannot put "Adults Only" on the invitation or wedding website. That's rude. Check out Invites & Paper board for more info.
I never said I put it on the invite or website. I'm not sure where this came from.
Whew. Is that it? Did I forget anything?

I don't have the energy to respond to all of this, especially because you took many things personally that were more of just a general summation of 8 pages of straight up ridiculousness on this thread.

But in response to "No one has talked behind my back. "

How would you know that? The point is that it's... behind your back. I guarantee your MOH mentioned to someone "c+j2015 told me she didn't want my baby to be with me the WHOLE day at her wedding. (your words: I don't want the baby to be with her the WHOLE day.) She told me to get a babysitter, which offended me (again, your words. she seemed offended that I would suggest getting a babysitter.)"

I would bet good money that your MOH vented to someone about this. And then that person might have mentioned to someone else "can you believe that c+j2015 is insisting that MOH's kid not be with her the WHOLE day?!" That's how talking behind your back works. I'm not saying it's right, but it happens. Especially when people do rude stuff.

ETA: spelling

flantastic · February 2015

m&mwedding39 said:

c+j2015
I want to first and foremost apologize for some of the folks on here. Just because you are on the internet and no one can see you does not give you the right to be so rude and hurtful. As human beings we should know better.

As one who is currently planning a wedding and has been in many (as Maid of Honor and bridesmaid) I do understand your concern. It sounds like your friend is a first time mother and that can make her very overprotective of her child. Maybe you can offer to pay for a babysitter that would stay with her and the baby all day. When the ceremony comes around the babysitter can sit in the front row so the MOH is always near her child. Some sort of deal like that may make everyone happy.

I hope this works out for you. I understand why people were upset by your post. Some of your phrasing was not well thought out. That being said they had no right to attack you. I hope you read this, and I wish every bride on here a wonderful wedding

It's a good thing no one attacked her, then.

c+j2015 · February 2015

What's really sad is that I knew you would have something to say about that comment. Lets just leave it at, you are again jumping to conclusions. I don't think she's the type to do what you mentioned. Considering you don't know either of us, I pose the question to you: How would you know?

floridabride44 · February 2015

c+j2015 said:

What's really sad is that I knew you would have something to say about that comment. Lets just leave it at, you are again jumping to conclusions. I don't think she's the type to do what you mentioned. Considering you don't know either of us, I pose the question to you: How would you know?

Oh man, how silly of me! I completely forgot that special snowflakes are NEVER talked about behind their back. My bad.

c+j2015 · February 2015

m&mwedding39 said:

c+j2015
I want to first and foremost apologize for some of the folks on here. Just because you are on the internet and no one can see you does not give you the right to be so rude and hurtful. As human beings we should know better.

As one who is currently planning a wedding and has been in many (as Maid of Honor and bridesmaid) I do understand your concern. It sounds like your friend is a first time mother and that can make her very overprotective of her child. Maybe you can offer to pay for a babysitter that would stay with her and the baby all day. When the ceremony comes around the babysitter can sit in the front row so the MOH is always near her child. Some sort of deal like that may make everyone happy.

I hope this works out for you. I understand why people were upset by your post. Some of your phrasing was not well thought out. That being said they had no right to attack you. I hope you read this, and I wish every bride on here a wonderful wedding

Hi! Thank you! My MOH and I have talked this through and come up with a solution that works best for all involved. She is a first time mom and in my opinion a little over protective but I have not been in her shoes so I don't really know. I willing admit that my OP was not well worded. I was feeling frustrated at the situation and thought getting some feedback from an impartial audience would help. Thank you for the kind words! I wish you all the best.

flantastic · February 2015

c+j2015 said:

What's really sad is that I knew you would have something to say about that comment. Lets just leave it at, you are again jumping to conclusions. I don't think she's the type to do what you mentioned. Considering you don't know either of us, I pose the question to you: How would you know?

We don't know. The point is, you don't either, due to the nature of it being "behind your back" and so you can't definitively make that statement. She's just stating generally that when people do rude things, other people often talk about it behind their backs. Your MOH, being a person, may do this. So we're trying to prevent everyone reading this thread from doing rude things to their friends and family.

c+j2015 · February 2015

hsgator said:

c+j2015 said:

What's really sad is that I knew you would have something to say about that comment. Lets just leave it at, you are again jumping to conclusions. I don't think she's the type to do what you mentioned. Considering you don't know either of us, I pose the question to you: How would you know?

Oh man, how silly of me! I completely forgot that special snowflakes are NEVER talked about behind their back. My bad.

I'm not saying I'm a special snowflake, I just hang out with a classier crowd.

flantastic · February 2015

c+j2015 said:

hsgator said:

c+j2015 said:

What's really sad is that I knew you would have something to say about that comment. Lets just leave it at, you are again jumping to conclusions. I don't think she's the type to do what you mentioned. Considering you don't know either of us, I pose the question to you: How would you know?

Oh man, how silly of me! I completely forgot that special snowflakes are NEVER talked about behind their back. My bad.

I'm not saying I'm a special snowflake, I just hang out with a classier crowd.

I'm sure this is true.

[Deleted User] · February 2015

geebee908 · February 2015

c+j2015 said:

What's really sad is that I knew you would have something to say about that comment. Lets just leave it at, you are again jumping to conclusions. I don't think she's the type to do what you mentioned. Considering you don't know either of us, I pose the question to you: How would you know?

Have you vented to anyone IRL about your MOH's attitude about not wanting to get a sitter for the day? Because if you have, you've been talking behind her back. Wanting to vent your (general you/your) frustrations is natural, and we don't always choose to vent to the person who is causing the frustration. It seems plausible that she might have needed to talk to someone about the situation who was not you.

drunkenwitch · February 2015

I just can't anymore.

c+j2015 · February 2015

I wouldn't use the term vented unless referring to my OP. I was heated when I wrote that. As far anyone else, it's not their business. You can speculate all you want about what is or isn't plausible but my point is that you don't know them/ their character and you assume they would talk behind my back. Yes this situation is frustrating. Hence why I posted on this forum. Even if she did vent, that's all it would be. It wouldn't hurt my feelings. I'm not sure why you guys take a few words out of a post and harp on them.

annathy03 · February 2015

c+j2015 said:

hsgator said:

c+j2015 said:

What's really sad is that I knew you would have something to say about that comment. Lets just leave it at, you are again jumping to conclusions. I don't think she's the type to do what you mentioned. Considering you don't know either of us, I pose the question to you: How would you know?

Oh man, how silly of me! I completely forgot that special snowflakes are NEVER talked about behind their back. My bad.

I'm not saying I'm a special snowflake, I just hang out with a classier crowd.

I've just been lurking on this thread, but SERIOUSLY? You're pissed that people made assumptions (because your OP lacked information and was poorly worded at best) and yet you are willing to turn around and make assumptions about the people they hang out with?

Dear Pot, meet Kettle.

c+j2015 · February 2015

pinkrevenge said:

Dear @c+j2015 and @heyyou1203

I'd like to tell you both a story of internet bullying I think you'll find relevant.

I know a woman, who several years back when she was a young adult / teen, would play mario smash brothers, tape it, and put it online as a fun snark review for some friends. And when she asked the internet what they thought, this is what happened:
Her accounts and computers were hacked, her faced photoshopped onto pornography and sold to websites all over, her boss was called and threatened unless he fired her numerous times, and the cops were called to her house several times for false reports. One day, someone rang her doorbell, and she found a giant, hand-bound book where someone had wrote a detailed manifesto of how he was going to come back later that night, break in, and in gruesome detail he described how he would rape and mutilate her.

And you want to sit there and say you're being attacked because someone thought your terrible childcare ideas are terrible?

You wouldn't know cyber bullying if gamergate looked your way. So yes, the OP was acting horrible and selfish towards her wedding party for shallow reasons, and she needed to here it so she didn't go through with it and ruin her friendships. And if that makes either of you feel like this place is too hostile for you, it is. So kindly get off the internet, because you're not ready for it.

I'm sorry to hear about the woman you are talking about. I never said this was internet bullying. I do feel the "advice" came in a rather rude package at times. I have admitted several times that my OP was written in anger and should not reflect my whole personality. I'm not being selfish because I asked her about the plan. A plan which 8 months ago was to have a babysitter. Honesly, I just wondered who the babysitter was going to be. It caught be off guard that she changed the plan and didn't tell me. It's not selfish to worry about my wedding day when I have spent so long planning it. Yes I know it is one day. I am going to worry about it and that is my prerogative.

c+j2015 · February 2015

annathy03 said:

c+j2015 said:

hsgator said:

c+j2015 said:

What's really sad is that I knew you would have something to say about that comment. Lets just leave it at, you are again jumping to conclusions. I don't think she's the type to do what you mentioned. Considering you don't know either of us, I pose the question to you: How would you know?

Oh man, how silly of me! I completely forgot that special snowflakes are NEVER talked about behind their back. My bad.

I'm not saying I'm a special snowflake, I just hang out with a classier crowd.

I've just been lurking on this thread, but SERIOUSLY? You're pissed that people made assumptions (because your OP lacked information and was poorly worded at best) and yet you are willing to turn around and make assumptions about the people they hang out with?

Dear Pot, meet Kettle.

I never made any assumptions about who they hang out with. The intent was that I hang out with a classier crowd than those who would behave that way.

geebee908 · February 2015

c+j2015 said:

hsgator said:

c+j2015 said:

What's really sad is that I knew you would have something to say about that comment. Lets just leave it at, you are again jumping to conclusions. I don't think she's the type to do what you mentioned. Considering you don't know either of us, I pose the question to you: How would you know?

Oh man, how silly of me! I completely forgot that special snowflakes are NEVER talked about behind their back. My bad.

I'm not saying I'm a special snowflake, I just hang out with a classier crowd.

No one in your crowd gossips? You're hanging out with saints!

[Deleted User] · February 2015

ohannabelle · February 2015

shiv1222 said:

People are acting like you are asking the mother to punt her baby into the ocean, never to be seen again. Or set it on fire. Or God knows what else. In the grand scheme of this child's life, ONE AFTERNOON is not a big deal. He/She will survive. With that said, I have this same issue for my wedding, but with a bridesmaid who is also my cousin. My dearly loved, overly anxious new mom cousin. I had to yield to preserve the relationship. Her husband is not in the wedding and will be positioned to exit quickly if the baby starts crying. Thing is, this isn't about being selfish. In the end, some people like babies at adult events and others don't. I think that babies are an overall distraction. A cute one, but a distraction. I don't think a loud event where lots of people are drinking is a great place for a baby. I had to accept the fact that although I got to enjoy my cousin's day, be there for her, etc. she simply wot be able to do that for me. That's fine. I suggest inviting the matron of honor's mom, sister, other good friend or whatever to watch urging the ceremony and allow them to leave the reception early. That's what I'm doing. Good luck, and don't let any criticism here make you feel bad. You are spending an insane amount of money on this event and deserve to have it as close to your way as you can.

Nobody cares if people have child free weddings. That's fine.

You invite people to events without children, and that's that. If a guest wants to bring a child, or RSVPs with a child,you say that you're sorry for the misunderstanding, but children aren't invited. You hope that they can attend without, or you're very sorry that they won't be attending, whichever is appropriate.

But you do not, under any rule of decent manners, have the right to dictate how parents choose to care for their children, or who cares for them, or if you think it's reasonable to be away from their parents for 8 or 80 hours, or whatever. If it's a big deal to the parents, that's their right. That falls under the category of none of my effing business, not my problem.

Once you have invited a child, you don't have the right to dictate, nag, suggest or arrange care for, or decide what atmosphere is appropriate for that child.

Please note that in the OP's original post, absolutely no mention at all was made of this being a child free wedding. That startling new development appeared out of nowhere, 11 days later. Her original issue was I don't want the baby to be with her the WHOLE day.

If a bridesmaid agrees to be in a wedding, she is obligated to show up, on time and sober, in the appropriate clothing, and to be in the ceremony. She is not obligated to devote "the WHOLE day," beyond the ceremony and a reasonable amount of time for pictures.

If the bridesmaid can't manage that, she takes herself out of the wedding.

It's not that hard.

Knottie72715334 · February 2015

I feel ya, hon. And I dislike the others on here who are berating you for YOUR day. And it is YOUR DAY. You want them to be there for you, and their families get them for the rest of their lives. I get it. As for your problem, *sigh* - you may need to compromise. The ceremony will be quick, hopefully, and then your friend can pick up her child as she's walking down the isle and head out to the reception with her family while you and the others take your pictures and get ready for the reception. Think of a "win-win" situation, and maybe even talk to her again in private. Find out if she has a solution as well. And do ignore these other female "nay-sayers" on here - selfish? Damn right you are! It's your wedding! But being selfish doesn't mean you can't compromise. Good luck!

flantastic · February 2015

Knottie72715334 said:

I feel ya, hon. And I dislike the others on here who are berating you for YOUR day. And it is YOUR DAY. You want them to be there for you, and their families get them for the rest of their lives. I get it. As for your problem, *sigh* - you may need to compromise. The ceremony will be quick, hopefully, and then your friend can pick up her child as she's walking down the isle and head out to the reception with her family while you and the others take your pictures and get ready for the reception. Think of a "win-win" situation, and maybe even talk to her again in private. Find out if she has a solution as well. And do ignore these other female "nay-sayers" on here - selfish? Damn right you are! It's your wedding! But being selfish doesn't mean you can't compromise. Good luck!

Oh good, I think now is the appropriate time to use the newsletter GIF.

[Deleted User] · February 2015

mikenberger · February 2015

Knottie72715334 said:
I feel ya, hon. And I dislike the others on here who are berating you for YOUR day. And it is YOUR DAY. You want them to be there for you, and their families get them for the rest of their lives. I get it. As for your problem, *sigh* - you may need to compromise. The ceremony will be quick, hopefully, and then your friend can pick up her child as she's walking down the isle and head out to the reception with her family while you and the others take your pictures and get ready for the reception. Think of a "win-win" situation, and maybe even talk to her again in private. Find out if she has a solution as well. And do ignore these other female "nay-sayers" on here - selfish? Damn right you are! It's your wedding! But being selfish doesn't mean you can't compromise. Good luck!

You're downright comical.

drunkenwitch · February 2015

Knottie72715334 said:

I feel ya, hon. And I dislike the others on here who are berating you for YOUR day. And it is YOUR DAY. You want them to be there for you, and their families get them for the rest of their lives. I get it. As for your problem, *sigh* - you may need to compromise. The ceremony will be quick, hopefully, and then your friend can pick up her child as she's walking down the isle and head out to the reception with her family while you and the others take your pictures and get ready for the reception. Think of a "win-win" situation, and maybe even talk to her again in private. Find out if she has a solution as well. And do ignore these other female "nay-sayers" on here - selfish? Damn right you are! It's your wedding! But being selfish doesn't mean you can't compromise. Good luck!

no no no no.

PrettyGirlLost · February 2015

m&mwedding39 said:

c+j2015
I want to first and foremost apologize for some of the folks on here. Don't presume to apologize for me. I'm an adult, I'll apologize when I feel I need to. This isn't a play group and you're not my mother- I didn't take another child's toy from her. Just because you are on the internet and no one can see you does not give you the right to be so rude and hurtful. I am just as honest and direct and blunt with my friends and family- my delivery has nothing to do with being on the internet. As human beings we should know better.

As one who is currently planning a wedding and has been in many (as Maid of Honor and bridesmaid) I do understand your concern. It sounds like your friend is a first time mother and that can make her very overprotective of her child. Maybe you can offer to pay for a babysitter that would stay with her and the baby all day. When the ceremony comes around the babysitter can sit in the front row so the MOH is always near her child. Some sort of deal like that may make everyone happy. I think the OP suggested something like this and the MOH said no. That does not make her overprotective. Parents should be allowed to parent as they see fit, even when they are in a wedding, w/o armchair parenting experts calling them attachment parents, overprotective, etc.

I hope this works out for you. I understand why people were upset by your post. Some of your phrasing was not well thought out. That being said they had no right to attack you. No one attacked anyone. I hope you read this, and I wish every bride on here a wonderful wedding

thespeshulestsnowflake · February 2015

NO ONE ATTACKED ANYONE IN THIS THREAD!!!!!!!!

My Matron of Honor refuses to get a babysitter for the wedding

Re: My Matron of Honor refuses to get a babysitter for the wedding

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