Is my dad being tacky?

princessgracekelly · February 2015

My dad is usually the etiquette king, so the fact that he suggested this is throwing me for a loop.

My parents are paying for the wedding, and their friends have volunteered to throw me and my FI an engagement party in a few months. This weekend we started talking about the guest list to the engagement party and my dad suggests inviting some of his professional and church friends that aren't invited to the wedding. He says he wants these people to be able to celebrate our engagement even if they aren't invited to the wedding. I, of course, foresee a lot of awkward questions from guests who received STD's and guests who didn't. (We're sending them out next month for our September wedding and the engagement party is slated for May.) Besides appealing to the STD thing, which I've already done (he says "they can wait" for the people invited to both the engagement party and wedding because those people are "local"), what can I tell him to keep the party from being an etiquette disaster?

climbingsingle · February 2015

Yes, that is tacky. You shouldn't be inviting anyone to an engagement party that isn't ivnited to the wedding.

KatWAG · February 2015

Yes that would be rude. Anyone invited to pre- wedding parties needs to be invited to the actual wedding.

princessgracekelly · February 2015

Eh, the title is misleading, sorry. I know he's being tacky, but what do I say to him?

arrrghmatey · February 2015

Yes, while your father is being extremely generous in paying for your wedding, he is being rude in regards to the engagement party invites.. Anyone who is invited to any pre-wedding parties must also be invited to the wedding. Are the friends who are throwing the engagement party also invited to the wedding (I assume they are)?

I would re-emphasize this to your father and gently remind him that he isn't the one throwing the engagement party (therefore he does not have the final say in the guest list.) If he insists, then say "Sorry, Dad. But I do not feel comfortable inviting so-and-so to the engagement party when they are not being invited to the wedding. If you'd like to invite them to the wedding as well (since he is paying for the wedding), then please send me their addresses so that I may send them an STD and an invite."

lovegood90 · February 2015

You need to tell him that only people invited to the wedding may be invited to the engagement party. If he still refuses, then say thanks but no thanks and decline the party.

princessgracekelly · February 2015

arrrghmatey said:

Yes, while your father is being extremely generous in paying for your wedding, he is being rude in regards to the engagement party invites.. Anyone who is invited to any pre-wedding parties must also be invited to the wedding. Are the friends who are throwing the engagement party also invited to the wedding (I assume they are)?

I would re-emphasize this to your father and gently remind him that he isn't the one throwing the engagement party (therefore he does not have the final say in the guest list.) If he insists, then say "Sorry, Dad. But I do not feel comfortable inviting so-and-so to the engagement party when they are not being invited to the wedding. If you'd like to invite them to the wedding as well (since he is paying for the wedding), then please send me their addresses to that I may send them an STD and an invite."

The friends who are throwing the engagement party are invited. I'm close to them, their children and I grew up together, etc. But you make a good point in that "Dad, if you want extra people at the wedding, just tell me and I'll invite them." He seems to believe that the engagement party is not only just for people in-state, but for people in town, and he talks like they can't make it to the wedding because it's a far drive. (It's an hour out of the city and two hours away from the town they live in, so his logic falls flat there.)

princessgracekelly · February 2015

Oh, I should clarify that I don't believe engagement parties should only be for people in-state. I am not doing too well with the communicating this fine Monday morning.

Knottie87702627 · February 2015

I kind of understand your Dad wanting to celebrate with the people he is close to. If he is paying for the wedding, is there room to add these people as guests? We approached both our parents with our initial guest list and then asked who they would like to add. My parents added one couple, FH parents added 18 people *sigh*. That's another story though. So if they are important enough that he really wants them at the engagement party, then hopefully you can just add them to the guest list. Otherwise, you don't want to insult people. Show him a bridal book or website with "Engagement Party Etiquette" it's always very clear that only those invited to the wedding are invited to the engagement party. Hopefully you and he can work it out one way or another.

princessgracekelly · February 2015

Knottie87702627 said:
I kind of understand your Dad wanting to celebrate with the people he is close to. If he is paying for the wedding, is there room to add these people as guests? We approached both our parents with our initial guest list and then asked who they would like to add. My parents added one couple, FH parents added 18 people *sigh*. That's another story though. So if they are important enough that he really wants them at the engagement party, then hopefully you can just add them to the guest list. Otherwise, you don't want to insult people. Show him a bridal book or website with "Engagement Party Etiquette" it's always very clear that only those invited to the wedding are invited to the engagement party. Hopefully you and he can work it out one way or another.

His excuse is that the local engagement party people wouldn't want to drive down for the wedding. In the same breath, he invited his cousins from California (we are in Georgia) to the wedding.

I like your suggestion of using a book to show him how it's done. Like I said in my OP, he is usually the person I consult on etiquette. Perhaps the student is becoming the master . . .

flantastic · February 2015

MIL had this same idea for the shower. She was hosting it and just wanted to show off her FDIL and fancy shower-ing to her friends, but she knew they didn't give enough shits about her son or this girl they'd never met to go way out of town for the wedding. "They'll understand - [Lady Friend #2] did the same thing for her daughter's wedding." Doesn't make it okay, MIL. She did it anyway. She's the one who looks silly.

Then again, she wanted them invited because "They won't come, but they give good gifts." Nope nope nope.

Since you can offer to let your dad invite more people, I'd go that route first. Then if he doesn't want them to feel any pressure to give gifts or to travel, tell him the only way to accomplish that is not to include them in wedding-related events and you really aren't comfortable with inviting them to the engagement party.

princessgracekelly · February 2015

flantastic said:
MIL had this same idea for the shower. She was hosting it and just wanted to show off her FDIL and fancy shower-ing to her friends, but she knew they didn't give enough shits about her son or this girl they'd never met to go way out of town for the wedding. "They'll understand - [Lady Friend #2] did the same thing for her daughter's wedding." Doesn't make it okay, MIL. She did it anyway. She's the one who looks silly.

Then again, she wanted them invited because "They won't come, but they give good gifts." Nope nope nope.

Since you can offer to let your dad invite more people, I'd go that route first. Then if he doesn't want them to feel any pressure to give gifts or to travel, tell him the only way to accomplish that is not to include them in wedding-related events and you really aren't comfortable with inviting them to the engagement party.

I can't tell you how many people have suggested that I invite someone because they'd give a good gift. That's why my coworkers wanted me to invite my boss. I did invite my boss because I genuinely want her to be at my wedding. A novel idea, really, inviting someone because you want their presence.

And I suspect that my dad has similar intentions for throwing the engagement party, to just be like, "My friends and I can throw a fancy party!" Your advice and everyone else's advice have been very good, thank you!

Is my dad being tacky?

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