Donations instead of favors

Dee613 · February 2015

My fiancé and I want to donate to charities in memory of our grandparents instead of giving wedding favors. How much do people normally spend per person on wedding favors? How much is proper etiquette to donate? We are having 150-175 guests. Thanks!

JoanE2012 · February 2015

Dee613 said:

My fiancé and I want to donate to charities in memory of our grandparents instead of giving wedding favors. How much do people normally spend per person on wedding favors? How much is proper etiquette to donate? We are having 150-175 guests. Thanks!

A donation is not a favor for your guests. And favors are not required. Therefore, there is no need to show off your donation to all your guests. It comes off as AWish and "look at how great we are!". I always find it funny that couples are happy to give up favors (no impact to the couple!)....why not instead give up something that impacts you? Perhaps forego flowers or have a more simple wedding dress. And even then, the donation should be done privately.

Bottom line - donate privately and skip the favors.

Edited - tone.

ohmrs2014 · February 2015

Favors are not required, but as PP said, donations in there place is not a favor.

As a guest, I would rather a favor than a donation made in my honor, though I wouldn't be expecting a favor either way.

amt6 · February 2015

We are doing something similar. Understanding that favors are not required, we think it is a nice gesture to make a donation in honor of our deceased fathers in lieu of favors. We are also doing is a way to make sure our dads are "present" on our wedding day. We are planning to have a little "thanks for coming" card at each place setting. I don't think its rude or showy, but then again I tend to disagree with @JoanE2012 and @ohmrs2014 in that respect

In terms of monetary amount, I think that is a personal decision and does not necessarily need to equate what you would spend on traditional favors.

ohmrs2014 · February 2015

There are other ways to make sure your loved ones are present on your day. I had photos of my grandparents on my bouquet. Have candles lit in their honor.

It does come off showy and your guests will be talking about it, but not in a good way, I can guarentee that and no, they won't say it to your face.

Like @JoanE2012 said, donate privately and skip the favors if needed.

love0208 · February 2015

I found an article on the knot that helps a little bit with your answer http://m.theknot.com/wedding-planning/wedding-favors/articles/real-couples-wedding-favor-donation-stories.aspx

Cookie Pusher · February 2015

I've been to weddings where this was done, and it looked like a big attention grab. Do you feel the need to broadcast it any time you do anything nice or good or thoughtful? Do you need someone to constantly validate your charitable acts?

love0208 · February 2015

@cookie pusher on the contrary I have seen people offended when they didn't get a favor.... and yes there will be some people who are offended that she is donating .......therefore I do feel that there should be some form of announcement on what was done to let the guest know, "Hey, I didn't forget about you I just decided to donate instead...."

Now being that we are all brides helping each other out, based on her question she wants donation ideas...so in reference to her actual question do you have an idea on what is etiquette to donate to help her out with what she would like to do with her wedding? I was only able to find an article...do you have some insight other than your opposition or possibly an alternate approach?

JCbride2015 · February 2015

No, this is extremely rude and offensive to your guests. Please don't do it.

Just donate the money quietly to a charity that means a lot to you or your deceased fathers. There is no need to be show-offy about it. I would think any couple who made a point of showing off to their guests that they donated money was being extremely crass.

Just don't have favors. I don't think most people would even notice they are missing, since they aren't required in the first place.

Some other great ideas I've heard for honoring deceased loved ones: charms in your bouquet, sew a piece of their suit or dress into the lining of your dress, display some family photos near the guestbook, use their favorite flowers, play their favorite song, serve their favorite food. Your fathers will always be "present" with you on your wedding day because you will be thinking of them, but these are all some extra things you can do to quietly honor them while maintaining the happy tone of the event and your guests' comfort.

Dee613 · February 2015

How is donating instead of buying favors offensive, rude, showy etc? Why would you think we need to be validated? We are doing many things to have our grandparents "present" and incorporate them into our wedding. My question was... since we are not doing favors, should we donate the same amount we would spend on favors or is there another amount to donate according to etiquette?

I, in NO WAY, need to prove myself or explain myself to any of you, but I have been to SEVERAL weddings that the couple has a small note saying something like "in lieu of favors, we donated to ______ charity in memory of _______." I personally do not think it's a bad idea and it is something my fiancé and I want to do and will do. I was asking for help from fellow brides as to how much we should donate, not if we should or not. If you are not going to help, please don't respond. I don't need negativity while doing something to honor our loved ones. Thank you @love0208 for the article and trying to help answer my question. Thank you @amt6 for your ideas too!

love0208 · February 2015

Dee613 said:

How is donating instead of buying favors offensive, rude, showy etc? Why would you think we need to be validated? We are doing many things to have our grandparents "present" and incorporate them into our wedding. My question was... since we are not doing favors, should we donate the same amount we would spend on favors or is there another amount to donate according to etiquette?

I, in NO WAY, need to prove myself or explain myself to any of you, but I have been to SEVERAL weddings that the couple has a small note saying something like "in lieu of favors, we donated to ______ charity in memory of _______." I personally do not think it's a bad idea and it is something my fiancé and I want to do and will do. I was asking for help from fellow brides as to how much we should donate, not if we should or not. If you are not going to help, please don't respond. I don't need negativity while doing something to honor our loved ones. Thank you @love0208 for the article and trying to help answer my question. Thank you @amt6 for your ideas too!

Well stated! You welcome and congratulations again!! This is YOUR day!! It only comes once!

ohmrs2014 · February 2015

love0208 said:

Dee613 said:

How is donating instead of buying favors offensive, rude, showy etc? Why would you think we need to be validated? We are doing many things to have our grandparents "present" and incorporate them into our wedding. My question was... since we are not doing favors, should we donate the same amount we would spend on favors or is there another amount to donate according to etiquette?

I, in NO WAY, need to prove myself or explain myself to any of you, but I have been to SEVERAL weddings that the couple has a small note saying something like "in lieu of favors, we donated to ______ charity in memory of _______." I personally do not think it's a bad idea and it is something my fiancé and I want to do and will do. I was asking for help from fellow brides as to how much we should donate, not if we should or not. If you are not going to help, please don't respond. I don't need negativity while doing something to honor our loved ones. Thank you @love0208 for the article and trying to help answer my question. Thank you @amt6 for your ideas too!

Well stated! You welcome and congratulations again!! This is YOUR day!! It only comes once!

No correction. The ceremony and union is about you. The reception is a thank you to your guests for joining in your union.

JCbride2015 · February 2015

Dee613 said:

How is donating instead of buying favors offensive, rude, showy etc? Why would you think we need to be validated? We are doing many things to have our grandparents "present" and incorporate them into our wedding. My question was... since we are not doing favors, should we donate the same amount we would spend on favors or is there another amount to donate according to etiquette?

I, in NO WAY, need to prove myself or explain myself to any of you, but I have been to SEVERAL weddings that the couple has a small note saying something like "in lieu of favors, we donated to ______ charity in memory of _______." I personally do not think it's a bad idea and it is something my fiancé and I want to do and will do. I was asking for help from fellow brides as to how much we should donate, not if we should or not. If you are not going to help, please don't respond. I don't need negativity while doing something to honor our loved ones. Thank you @love0208 for the article and trying to help answer my question. Thank you @amt6 for your ideas too!

I am DYING laughing at this.

Why the hell did you post if you don't want honest opinions about this idea?

JoanE2012 · February 2015

Dee613 said:

How is donating instead of buying favors offensive, rude, showy etc? Why would you think we need to be validated? We are doing many things to have our grandparents "present" and incorporate them into our wedding. My question was... since we are not doing favors, should we donate the same amount we would spend on favors or is there another amount to donate according to etiquette?

I, in NO WAY, need to prove myself or explain myself to any of you, but I have been to SEVERAL weddings that the couple has a small note saying something like "in lieu of favors, we donated to ______ charity in memory of _______." I personally do not think it's a bad idea and it is something my fiancé and I want to do and will do. I was asking for help from fellow brides as to how much we should donate, not if we should or not. If you are not going to help, please don't respond. I don't need negativity while doing something to honor our loved ones. Thank you @love0208 for the article and trying to help answer my question. Thank you @amt6 for your ideas too!

How is it showy? Ummm, by announcing to all your guests that, "hey, look at me! I took the money from your favor and put it to a charity instead! Aren't I wonderful for my donation!". Yes, that's how it will come off to many people.

I would still like to know.....why you can't keep the favors and instead cut out flowers from your wedding and donate that money. Wouldn't that be wonderful? Oh wait, that's taking away something that impacts you. I bet that's not going to happen. See how that looks?

By all means, you are free to do whatever you want. But rest assured, as myself and other have noted on the board, you will have many guests that are rolling their eyes and thinking it was rude and AWish. They just won't tell you.

ETA - And if you're not doing favors and would rather do a donation, why in the world do you feel the need to broadcast it? If you're not intending to be showy, donate privately!

amt6 · February 2015

Dee613 said:

How is donating instead of buying favors offensive, rude, showy etc? Why would you think we need to be validated? We are doing many things to have our grandparents "present" and incorporate them into our wedding. My question was... since we are not doing favors, should we donate the same amount we would spend on favors or is there another amount to donate according to etiquette?

I, in NO WAY, need to prove myself or explain myself to any of you, but I have been to SEVERAL weddings that the couple has a small note saying something like "in lieu of favors, we donated to ______ charity in memory of _______." I personally do not think it's a bad idea and it is something my fiancé and I want to do and will do. I was asking for help from fellow brides as to how much we should donate, not if we should or not. If you are not going to help, please don't respond. I don't need negativity while doing something to honor our loved ones. Thank you @love0208 for the article and trying to help answer my question. Thank you @amt6 for your ideas too!

You are very welcome. PM me and I will send you an picture of the cards we are thinking of using. I think it is a beautiful gesture, way more meaningful than an ice cream scooper or picture frame, to honor those who couldn't be there for your wedding day, whether it is public or private. My father has been gone since I am 5 - everyone in the room knows it. I think that NOT honoring him in some public way would be ignoring the elephant in the room. I really do not see how it is showy, and definitely not rude.

ohmrs2014 · February 2015

Click here. I thought this would come in handy.

ohmrs2014 · February 2015

amt6 said:

Dee613 said:

How is donating instead of buying favors offensive, rude, showy etc? Why would you think we need to be validated? We are doing many things to have our grandparents "present" and incorporate them into our wedding. My question was... since we are not doing favors, should we donate the same amount we would spend on favors or is there another amount to donate according to etiquette?

I, in NO WAY, need to prove myself or explain myself to any of you, but I have been to SEVERAL weddings that the couple has a small note saying something like "in lieu of favors, we donated to ______ charity in memory of _______." I personally do not think it's a bad idea and it is something my fiancé and I want to do and will do. I was asking for help from fellow brides as to how much we should donate, not if we should or not. If you are not going to help, please don't respond. I don't need negativity while doing something to honor our loved ones. Thank you @love0208 for the article and trying to help answer my question. Thank you @amt6 for your ideas too!

You are very welcome. PM me and I will send you an picture of the cards we are thinking of using. I think it is a beautiful gesture, way more meaningful than an ice cream scooper or picture frame, to honor those who couldn't be there for your wedding day, whether it is public or private. My father has been gone since I am 5 - everyone in the room knows it. I think that NOT honoring him in some public way would be ignoring the elephant in the room. I really do not see how it is showy, and definitely not rude.

Making the donation is not the showy part, or the rude part. Making it known to your guests that you did that in place of the favor is the showy and rude part.

JCbride2015 · February 2015

ohmrs2014 said:

amt6 said:

Dee613 said:

How is donating instead of buying favors offensive, rude, showy etc? Why would you think we need to be validated? We are doing many things to have our grandparents "present" and incorporate them into our wedding. My question was... since we are not doing favors, should we donate the same amount we would spend on favors or is there another amount to donate according to etiquette?

I, in NO WAY, need to prove myself or explain myself to any of you, but I have been to SEVERAL weddings that the couple has a small note saying something like "in lieu of favors, we donated to ______ charity in memory of _______." I personally do not think it's a bad idea and it is something my fiancé and I want to do and will do. I was asking for help from fellow brides as to how much we should donate, not if we should or not. If you are not going to help, please don't respond. I don't need negativity while doing something to honor our loved ones. Thank you @love0208 for the article and trying to help answer my question. Thank you @amt6 for your ideas too!

You are very welcome. PM me and I will send you an picture of the cards we are thinking of using. I think it is a beautiful gesture, way more meaningful than an ice cream scooper or picture frame, to honor those who couldn't be there for your wedding day, whether it is public or private. My father has been gone since I am 5 - everyone in the room knows it. I think that NOT honoring him in some public way would be ignoring the elephant in the room. I really do not see how it is showy, and definitely not rude.

Making the donation is not the showy part, or the rude part. Making it known to your guests that you did that in place of the favor is the showy and rude part.

YES times a million. Nobody is saying you shouldn't donate-- in fact, I suggested it, along with some other appropriate ideas you just blew straight past. We are saying you shouldn't rub it in your guests' faces.

ohannabelle · February 2015

It's not in a million years about not donating.

A sincere and heartfelt donation in someone's memory is a lovely and meaningful way to honor someone.

If that's what I'm genuinely doing, that's wonderful.

The moment I put up a sign, or put little printed notifications about my good deed in front of everyone's plate, it's not about donating. It's about needing to tell people I donated, and wanting people to admire what a nice person I am.

There just isn't a nice way to brag and call attention to my own goodness. And if this really isn't what it's about, then why do it?

JoanE2012 · February 2015

amt6 said:

Dee613 said:

How is donating instead of buying favors offensive, rude, showy etc? Why would you think we need to be validated? We are doing many things to have our grandparents "present" and incorporate them into our wedding. My question was... since we are not doing favors, should we donate the same amount we would spend on favors or is there another amount to donate according to etiquette?

I, in NO WAY, need to prove myself or explain myself to any of you, but I have been to SEVERAL weddings that the couple has a small note saying something like "in lieu of favors, we donated to ______ charity in memory of _______." I personally do not think it's a bad idea and it is something my fiancé and I want to do and will do. I was asking for help from fellow brides as to how much we should donate, not if we should or not. If you are not going to help, please don't respond. I don't need negativity while doing something to honor our loved ones. Thank you @love0208 for the article and trying to help answer my question. Thank you @amt6 for your ideas too!

You are very welcome. PM me and I will send you an picture of the cards we are thinking of using. I think it is a beautiful gesture, way more meaningful than an ice cream scooper or picture frame, to honor those who couldn't be there for your wedding day, whether it is public or private. My father has been gone since I am 5 - everyone in the room knows it. I think that NOT honoring him in some public way would be ignoring the elephant in the room. I really do not see how it is showy, and definitely not rude.

You can honor him in other ways. Wear a locket with his photo. Wrap a tie of his around your bouquet. Carry a hankerchief of his.

Weddings are a celebratory event.....it's the marriage of you and your DH. It's not a memorial event for deceased family members. I've been to a couple weddings where the bride's father was deceased, and there was absolutely ZERO feeling of an elephant in the room. It only becomes the elephant in the room when it's pushed into people's faces (like charities in memory of deceased people, empty chairs reserved for the deceased, etc)

amt6 · February 2015

JoanE2012 said:

amt6 said:

Dee613 said:

How is donating instead of buying favors offensive, rude, showy etc? Why would you think we need to be validated? We are doing many things to have our grandparents "present" and incorporate them into our wedding. My question was... since we are not doing favors, should we donate the same amount we would spend on favors or is there another amount to donate according to etiquette?

I, in NO WAY, need to prove myself or explain myself to any of you, but I have been to SEVERAL weddings that the couple has a small note saying something like "in lieu of favors, we donated to ______ charity in memory of _______." I personally do not think it's a bad idea and it is something my fiancé and I want to do and will do. I was asking for help from fellow brides as to how much we should donate, not if we should or not. If you are not going to help, please don't respond. I don't need negativity while doing something to honor our loved ones. Thank you @love0208 for the article and trying to help answer my question. Thank you @amt6 for your ideas too!

You are very welcome. PM me and I will send you an picture of the cards we are thinking of using. I think it is a beautiful gesture, way more meaningful than an ice cream scooper or picture frame, to honor those who couldn't be there for your wedding day, whether it is public or private. My father has been gone since I am 5 - everyone in the room knows it. I think that NOT honoring him in some public way would be ignoring the elephant in the room. I really do not see how it is showy, and definitely not rude.

You can honor him in other ways. Wear a locket with his photo. Wrap a tie of his around your bouquet. Carry a hankerchief of his.

Weddings are a celebratory event.....it's the marriage of you and your DH. It's not a memorial event for deceased family members. I've been to a couple weddings where the bride's father was deceased, and there was absolutely ZERO feeling of an elephant in the room. It only becomes the elephant in the room when it's pushed into people's faces (like charities in memory of deceased people, empty chairs reserved for the deceased, etc)

I think that is a very personal decision and one that you are in absolutely no position to judge, not knowing me or my situation at all. On the list of things that are rude, telling me that I will be "pushing it in people's faces" is pretty high. We can all choose to honor deceased family members in our own way; it is incredibly rude to attempt to make people wrong for how they choose to do. so.

JoanE2012 · February 2015

amt6 said:

JoanE2012 said:

amt6 said:

Dee613 said:

How is donating instead of buying favors offensive, rude, showy etc? Why would you think we need to be validated? We are doing many things to have our grandparents "present" and incorporate them into our wedding. My question was... since we are not doing favors, should we donate the same amount we would spend on favors or is there another amount to donate according to etiquette?

I, in NO WAY, need to prove myself or explain myself to any of you, but I have been to SEVERAL weddings that the couple has a small note saying something like "in lieu of favors, we donated to ______ charity in memory of _______." I personally do not think it's a bad idea and it is something my fiancé and I want to do and will do. I was asking for help from fellow brides as to how much we should donate, not if we should or not. If you are not going to help, please don't respond. I don't need negativity while doing something to honor our loved ones. Thank you @love0208 for the article and trying to help answer my question. Thank you @amt6 for your ideas too!

You are very welcome. PM me and I will send you an picture of the cards we are thinking of using. I think it is a beautiful gesture, way more meaningful than an ice cream scooper or picture frame, to honor those who couldn't be there for your wedding day, whether it is public or private. My father has been gone since I am 5 - everyone in the room knows it. I think that NOT honoring him in some public way would be ignoring the elephant in the room. I really do not see how it is showy, and definitely not rude.

You can honor him in other ways. Wear a locket with his photo. Wrap a tie of his around your bouquet. Carry a hankerchief of his.

Weddings are a celebratory event.....it's the marriage of you and your DH. It's not a memorial event for deceased family members. I've been to a couple weddings where the bride's father was deceased, and there was absolutely ZERO feeling of an elephant in the room. It only becomes the elephant in the room when it's pushed into people's faces (like charities in memory of deceased people, empty chairs reserved for the deceased, etc)

I think that is a very personal decision and one that you are in absolutely no position to judge, not knowing me or my situation at all. On the list of things that are rude, telling me that I will be "pushing it in people's faces" is pretty high. We can all choose to honor deceased family members in our own way; it is incredibly rude to attempt to make people wrong for how they choose to do. so.

It's not rude, it's how I feel and how it appears me. Obviously based on this thread I'm not alone. If you choose to do it, that's fine....it has no impact on me. But I don't need to understand your situation or story....I don't find donations in lieu of favors that are broadcasted to all guests appropriate in ANY situation.

By way of posting on a public message board you open yourself up to criticism and the thoughts and feelings of others. You can't dictate how people can respond.

PS - How come we never see a card at the table that says A donation has been made in lieu of centerpieces? Why doesn't the bride and groom give up something that impacts them? Or would that ruin the "vision"?

ohmrs2014 · February 2015

When you post on a public forum, you leave yourself open to both positive and negative feedback. In this case, most brides, both past and those not yet married, are going to give you their input, whether you like what they have to say or not.

And again, no one is saying that making a donation is rude. We are saying that letting your guests know is rude and showy. Charitable donations are a fantastic thing and I commend people that do it, I myself have done it. But I don't go around parading it and announcing to people that I made a donation to a charity. It comes off rude and like I'm being showy. That is for my own personal knowledge, no one else's.

And I too have been to weddings where a parent or an immediate family member was missing. If the couple made a donation, we weren't made aware of it. But like I have stated before, I have seen candles lit at the ceremony for them. I myself had photos on my bouquet of my deceased grandparents.

There are tactful and appropriate ways to go about doing this. Making a charitable donation known to your guests is not one of them.

Dee613 · February 2015

Again, my questions was...How much do people normally spend per person on wedding favors? How much is proper etiquette to donate if you're not doing favors?

My question was not should we or shouldn't we do it, give me your opinion. It also was not tell me your opinion on putting "in lieu of favors..." notes on the tables. I do not need to defend our decision or explain anything else we are doing in memory of our grandparents.

ohmrs2014 · February 2015

Well to answer those questions, people spend what they can afford, both for donations and favors. There is no proper etiquette on that. And if it was an etiquette question, it should have been posted on the etiquette board, though I feel like you already knew that and decided not to because you knew what kind of responses you were going to receive, so you decided to try and play it safe on your local board, hoping people would validate your idea.

And you can't tell people how to respond to your post. If people don't agree with it, they will tell you.

JoanE2012 · February 2015

Dee613 said:

Again, my questions was...How much do people normally spend per person on wedding favors? How much is proper etiquette to donate if you're not doing favors?

My question was not should we or shouldn't we do it, give me your opinion. It also was not tell me your opinion on putting "in lieu of favors..." notes on the tables. I do not need to defend our decision or explain anything else we are doing in memory of our grandparents.

You're on the wrong board for etiquette advice! There's a whole board dedicated to etiquette. Would you like a mod to move this thread over there?

[Deleted User] · March 2015

The cost of favors really depends on your budget but for reference, i'm having a 225 person wedding and am trying to spend about $3-5pp. i honestly don't even want to do favors because i think most of them are junk but my mom wants to do them so i am, also, i don't notice when I don't get one at a wedding and i went to 4 last year. 2 of the 4 had no favor and the other 2 i forgot it on the table.

Any donation is still a donation, so it doesn't have to be a huge amount! good luck!

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