Military Brides

Is it wrong?

So I am getting married in August but my fiance wants to do a legal wedding now. It's mainly just for insurance, housing, stuff like that. For whatever reason, the insurance I was on with my family is now only partially covering me and it's getting expensive to pay for appointments out of pocket. As you know, he can't apply for housing until we're married. I can't be covered by his insurance until we're married. All of these little things that keep building to be big things. So, is it wrong to get married at the courthouse just to have it on paper so we can get on the housing waitlist and get insurance and all of that? I wouldn't change my name until after our ceremony in August and nobody would know about the legal route that was taken early. I feel like that's dishonest though and don't like to feel like we'd be lying. Is it worth it to get some of the benefits now or just wait the five months? Has anyone else done this? 

Re: Is it wrong?

  • My advice:

     

    Get married now at the courthouse if you are really hard up for insurance. Own your choice. Tell everyone you got married and why. people will get why you chose to do it. In August, throw an awesome celebration of marriage party, similar to a reception, but without any wedding elements since you are no longer a bride and groom. Have good food, dancing, booze, and cake. Hire  a photographer. Just don't pretend your are something you are not. You are married.

    Pretend I said everything she said.
    adk19CMGragainMobKaz
  • So I am getting married in August but my fiance wants to do a legal wedding now. It's mainly just for insurance, housing, stuff like that. For whatever reason, the insurance I was on with my family is now only partially covering me and it's getting expensive to pay for appointments out of pocket. As you know, he can't apply for housing until we're married. I can't be covered by his insurance until we're married. All of these little things that keep building to be big things. So, is it wrong to get married at the courthouse just to have it on paper so we can get on the housing waitlist and get insurance and all of that? I wouldn't change my name until after our ceremony in August and nobody would know about the legal route that was taken early. I feel like that's dishonest though and don't like to feel like we'd be lying. Is it worth it to get some of the benefits now or just wait the five months? Has anyone else done this? 

    If you feel like it'd be dishonest and like you'd be lying, there's probably a reason for that. 

    The "legal route" would be your wedding. You would be married, whether you change your name or not. And, yes, it's dishonest to reap the benefits of marriage while pretending you're not married so you can still get a big ceremony later. 

    Jells had the right advice: get married now and tell people, they will understand. Then have a big celebration of marriage party at a later date.
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  • My fiance tried to get me to do something similar to this so that he could get me into DEERS sooner.  He said when we go get the license, why don't we just have them do the deed right then and there (he wasn't 100% serious, just wanted to see if I thought it was a good idea).  I had to set him straight on that - I want to actually get married on my wedding day - not have a playact of getting married in front of friends and family.  

     

    The day you legally sign that paper is your wedding.

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    Viczaesar
  • If you need to get married now because money and reasons, then do it. But that would be your wedding. Your wedding is the day you get married. There is absolutely nothing wrong with a courthouse wedding!

    It sounds like you're already planning a wedding for August. If you go to the courthouse now, just adjust your plans for August to only include a party. No ceremony, no big white dress, no bridesmaids, no showers, no first dances, etc. Just a kickass party with a DJ, a photographer, a caterer, etc.

    It would look very silly to have the two of you pretending to be a bride and groom. Also, be sure you're clear with your guests that the two of you are married. It would be misleading to invite people under the false pretense that they're witnessing the two of you becoming husband and wife.
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    ashley8918adk19lc07
  • I did that with my first marriage! I will tell you that people WILL know! Marriage licenses have to be published in the paper. We weren't aware of that. A few days later--EVERYONE found out. I suggest telling the people you need to tell. No one else needs to know. However, my friend did that in Hawaii, then a wedding in NY. Only her mother and the pastor knew that they were already legally married.
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  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston
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    I suggest telling the people you need to tell. No one else needs to know. However, my friend did that in Hawaii, then a wedding in NY. Only her mother and the pastor knew that they were already legally married.

    Bad advice. Everyone needs to know what they are being invited to, and their feelings will be justifiably hurt about being lied to if you keep secret the fact that you had a courthouse wedding in advance and what they are being to is a reenactment and not the wedding.
    pinupbride6189tojai
  • Don't do it. If you do, don't have a "real wedding" later. Marrying legally for the benefits and having a fake wedding later is cheesy. I can also tell you I've seen sooooo many people go that route and never have a "real" wedding later; either because they don't last or because they realize other things are more important.

    If the big, traditional wedding is that important to you, make it happen without a courthouse wedding first. Can it be difficult on the pocket? You betcha. I personally know how much an enlisted service member makes. My FH and I were both active duty when we moved in with each other, not rating BAH. We only recently became engaged, despite people telling us we should get married so we could get BAH ages ago, since it was obvious to everyone we would eventually marry. He really wants a traditional wedding, so we are saving and scraping to make it happen and make it happen RIGHT.

    If you really, really, really need the benefits, like everyone else has said, do it at the courthouse or have a small wedding, then do a celebration/party later that is clearly not a wedding. Either way, I wish you luck.





  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston
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    Something else: the US military service branches come down hard on people who get married in secret legal ceremonies for the benefits while pretending their legal ceremonies never took place and that they are still unmarried while awaiting the day with the ceremony they "consider" their wedding day.

    For a good reason: it's deceptive and perhaps fraudulent.
    randomsloveiluvmytxrgrCMGragainadk19
  • Jen4948 said:

    Something else: the US military service branches come down hard on people who get married in secret legal ceremonies for the benefits while pretending their legal ceremonies never took place and that they are still unmarried while awaiting the day with the ceremony they "consider" their wedding day.

    For a good reason: it's deceptive and perhaps fraudulent.




    No, they don't.  They come down hard on people who have no intention of ever really being married.  Case in point:  When my son in law deployed there were actually 2 or 3 guys from his unit who married strippers from the gentleman's club downtown, strictly for the benefits and planned on divorcing when they got home.  That is what they come down hard on - fraud.

    If you get married and have intentions of being husband and wife it is not fraud.  The military doesn't give a flying frog's fanny what you do when you go back home on leave to reenact your wedding.  If you get married and turn in the documentation you are married in the military's eyes.  they don't interrogate you to see if you are telling your family and friends.  As long as the intent is to be married there is no issue.

    ashley8918Knottie1430025803adwks
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston
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    kmmssg said:

    Jen4948 said:

    Something else: the US military service branches come down hard on people who get married in secret legal ceremonies for the benefits while pretending their legal ceremonies never took place and that they are still unmarried while awaiting the day with the ceremony they "consider" their wedding day.

    For a good reason: it's deceptive and perhaps fraudulent.




    No, they don't.  They come down hard on people who have no intention of ever really being married.  Case in point:  When my son in law deployed there were actually 2 or 3 guys from his unit who married strippers from the gentleman's club downtown, strictly for the benefits and planned on divorcing when they got home.  That is what they come down hard on - fraud.

    If you get married and have intentions of being husband and wife it is not fraud.  The military doesn't give a flying frog's fanny what you do when you go back home on leave to reenact your wedding.  If you get married and turn in the documentation you are married in the military's eyes.  they don't interrogate you to see if you are telling your family and friends.  As long as the intent is to be married there is no issue.

    Wouldn't it depend on how far apart the legal ceremony and the PPD are? I've heard of instances where they can be a year or more apart. During the interim between the two events, while you're still holding yourself out as "not married," wouldn't they consider it, at best, dishonest if not fraudulent and wouldn't they consider that a moral issue or dereliction of duty?
  • Jen4948 said:

    kmmssg said:

    Jen4948 said:

    Something else: the US military service branches come down hard on people who get married in secret legal ceremonies for the benefits while pretending their legal ceremonies never took place and that they are still unmarried while awaiting the day with the ceremony they "consider" their wedding day.

    For a good reason: it's deceptive and perhaps fraudulent.




    No, they don't.  They come down hard on people who have no intention of ever really being married.  Case in point:  When my son in law deployed there were actually 2 or 3 guys from his unit who married strippers from the gentleman's club downtown, strictly for the benefits and planned on divorcing when they got home.  That is what they come down hard on - fraud.

    If you get married and have intentions of being husband and wife it is not fraud.  The military doesn't give a flying frog's fanny what you do when you go back home on leave to reenact your wedding.  If you get married and turn in the documentation you are married in the military's eyes.  they don't interrogate you to see if you are telling your family and friends.  As long as the intent is to be married there is no issue.

    Wouldn't it depend on how far apart the legal ceremony and the PPD are? I've heard of instances where they can be a year or more apart. During the interim between the two events, while you're still holding yourself out as "not married," wouldn't they consider it, at best, dishonest if not fraudulent and wouldn't they consider that a moral issue or dereliction of duty?



    You have to remember that you are only holding yourself out as not married to your family and friends, not to the military.  You are presenting yourself as married to the military and your intention is to actually be married, albeit secretly to those you are supposed to hold as your nearest and dearest.  If you present a marriage license to Uncle Sam you have fulfilled your obligation to the military (unless of course you are temporarily marrying a stripper from down town to gain family allowance).

    From a military standpoint, they can't tell you that you can't hold a party when you are on leave and tell you how you can dress and what that party can look like.  As long as you aren't doing anything illegal they don't care.

    I can understand where you are coming from and I detest secret PPDs as much as the next person.  From a moral standpoint towards family and friends I think the secrecy is deplorable and  have posted more than once that I have seen 2 family torn apart by this.  From the military's standpoint, you are free to throw whatever kind of party you want to because you have presented yourself as married to them and  your intent is to truly be a married couple.

    As long as a couple doesn't keep it secret I dont care if they have the dress, the cake, the party, the first dance, etc as long as they have been honest with everyone.  I attended 4 of those.  Keep it a secret and (if I find out about it) I will know that is one Soldier whose leadership I can't trust because integrity obviously means nothing to them.

    adk19
  •  Those are not my experiences, as an MP.  I have seen SMs punished because they married with intentions of having a ceremony later while lying to family.  Those people pretended to be engaged while really married.  I've seen charges in my own unit of conduct unbecoming an NCO and fraud with intent to collect benefits. 


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    randomsloveadk19Jen4948kyrgyzstan
  • This question gets asked over and over again. It always come down to "I need insurance" what about all the other people who get married to people not in the military? My ex-husband and I set out wedding date for Sept. He got his deployment orders a few months after we set the wedding date AND planned everything. WE MOVED the wedding up to have the type of wedding we wanted. It can be done. I believe it ended up being moved up 6 months. He left 3 weeks after and was gone for almost a year. It can be done. It's hard and it required us to be flexible but if you want the dream wedding then you can do it without having a PPD or misleading people.  

    randomsloveadk19
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