Flower Girl Shoes - I'm Irritated

StarHex · March 2015

This might be just a vent, not sure, but I'm hoping you ladies can give me some perspective. I'll try to keep it short.

My brother is getting married next month, and he and FSIL asked that my two daughters be the flower girls in the wedding. I agreed. FSIL chose the dress that both girls should wear, and I ordered them. To be fair, the dresses are lovely and were extremely reasonable, price-wise.

When FSIL told me which dress she wanted the girls to wear, we discussed shoes. She said that "anything in a neutral color would work." She specifically listed white, off-white, cream, nude, gold, or black as options, any style. My daughters were in need of some new dressy shoes anyway, so I went out and bought white shoes for both girls that I felt would go perfectly with the dresses. They also go perfectly with their Easter dresses, church dresses, etc.

Anyway, FSIL asked me to send a picture of the girls in their dresses once they came in. I had the girls put on the dresses and the shoes, took pics, and sent them. FSIL replied that the dresses look awesome, but would there be any way that I could please get them some gold sandals instead of the white shoes? Because gold sandals would look so much better with the shoes that her BMs are wearing than the white ones do.

Now I'm irritated. She gave me parameters, and I carefully selected shoes that work with the dress. The shoes I've already purchased look great with the dress, and also work well for other uses. I'm not destitute, but I also can only afford so many pairs of shoes a year for daughters with rapidly growing feet. Now she's changing what she originally asked for.

Had she said "gold sandals" from the beginning, I would have tried to find some and purchased them, but it would have changed the "shoe budget" for my daughters for the spring. I could return the white shoes I've already purchased, but gold sandals won't really work with the girls' Easter dresses as they're pretty formal.

I know they're just shoes, but I'm so annoyed by the whole thing. It would not financially ruin me to buy some gold sandals for each daughter now, but I really am on a pretty tight budget. I'm thinking that my daughters will just be showing up in the white shoes that I've already bought, and to hell with it. I lurk enough on this forum to know that doing FSIL's bidding is not required. But I do truly love my FSIL and don't want to make waves.

Advice?

StarHex · March 2015

So much for keeping it short! Sorry, y'all.

charlottesmom0626 · March 2015

Nope.

She should have no say over the girls' shoes. You were nice enough to comply with her original request, you went out and bought shoes (she doesn't need to know they needed them anyway) and kept her and the wedding in mind.

I think you were thoughtful, and you also need those shoes to go with other outfits.

huskypuppy14 · March 2015

StarHex said:
This might be just a vent, not sure, but I'm hoping you ladies can give me some perspective. I'll try to keep it short.

My brother is getting married next month, and he and FSIL asked that my two daughters be the flower girls in the wedding. I agreed. FSIL chose the dress that both girls should wear, and I ordered them. To be fair, the dresses are lovely and were extremely reasonable, price-wise.

When FSIL told me which dress she wanted the girls to wear, we discussed shoes. She said that "anything in a neutral color would work." She specifically listed white, off-white, cream, nude, gold, or black as options, any style. My daughters were in need of some new dressy shoes anyway, so I went out and bought white shoes for both girls that I felt would go perfectly with the dresses. They also go perfectly with their Easter dresses, church dresses, etc.

Anyway, FSIL asked me to send a picture of the girls in their dresses once they came in. I had the girls put on the dresses and the shoes, took pics, and sent them. FSIL replied that the dresses look awesome, but would there be any way that I could please get them some gold sandals instead of the white shoes? Because gold sandals would look so much better with the shoes that her BMs are wearing than the white ones do.

Now I'm irritated. She gave me parameters, and I carefully selected shoes that work with the dress. The shoes I've already purchased look great with the dress, and also work well for other uses. I'm not destitute, but I also can only afford so many pairs of shoes a year for daughters with rapidly growing feet. Now she's changing what she originally asked for.

Had she said "gold sandals" from the beginning, I would have tried to find some and purchased them, but it would have changed the "shoe budget" for my daughters for the spring. I could return the white shoes I've already purchased, but gold sandals won't really work with the girls' Easter dresses as they're pretty formal.

I know they're just shoes, but I'm so annoyed by the whole thing. It would not financially ruin me to buy some gold sandals for each daughter now, but I really am on a pretty tight budget. I'm thinking that my daughters will just be showing up in the white shoes that I've already bought, and to hell with it. I lurk enough on this forum to know that doing FSIL's bidding is not required. But I do truly love my FSIL and don't want to make waves.

Advice?

Tell her no. You already bought shoes that were allowed within the parameters you discussed. If she wants your daughters to wear gold shoes, she can buy them herself.

Also see the thread about dictating BM shoes.

StarHex · March 2015

@huskypuppy14, I saw the BM shoes thread after I'd already posted this one. I'm pretty chill about buying whatever shoes as a BM because I can usually find another occasion to wear them (unless they're awful dyed-to-match ones!), but these are children who outgrow shoes two or three times a year right now.

Love your sig, BTW...love BBT!!!

lyndausvi · March 2015

Tell her no. Now if she wants to pick up the tab, then she can.

Kids only wear dressy shoes a few times before they outgrow them. There is nothing wrong with your being practical and buying shoes that have multiple uses.

huskypuppy14 · March 2015

StarHex said:
@huskypuppy14, I saw the BM shoes thread after I'd already posted this one. I'm pretty chill about buying whatever shoes as a BM because I can usually find another occasion to wear them (unless they're awful dyed-to-match ones!), but these are children who outgrow shoes two or three times a year right now.

Love your sig, BTW...love BBT!!!

This is another reason not to buy them. There is no need to buy gold shoes for a flower girl. It's unnecessary. But like I said, if the bride is so adamant about it, she needs to purchase them. Let her put her money where her mouth is.

My husband says I'm Bernadette from BBT. I'm a scientist married to a Jewish man, and I'm small and feisty. (My husband does not act like Howard, though!)

southernbelle0915 · March 2015

Tell her no. You already bought these based on what she first told you. If you want, throw in that the shoes aren't returnable.

I can't imagine she'll throw a fit. If she does, she's a bona fide bridezilla and you can just ignore her. Barely anyone even noticed my (bright green) shoes are our wedding and I was the bride. No one gives two shits about FG shoes. She's micromanaging.

sophhabobopha · March 2015

Yeah, no. Tell her you already have shoes.

jacques27 · March 2015

This is an easy one.

"Sorry, but two additional pairs of shoes just aren't in our budget right now."

Then if she starts to argue it...

"As we previously discussed, I went with neutral so that the kids can wear them with all of their other dressy outfits, too, before they outgrow them."

And then if she starts to go into full on lunatic mode, you can try to soothe her with...

"You know, no one will even be looking at their feet because they'll be so focused on how stunning you look."

JellyBean52513 · March 2015

PPs are correct! Another way to word it:

"Well, the reason I bought white shoes was because you told me before that any neutral color, including white, would be fine. I really don't want to return them and get gold sandals instead because the sandals won't be as versatile with other outfits, plus they'll be outgrown by this time next year, anyway. I'd rather stick with the white shoes, that way the girls can get multiple uses out of them before they outgrow them. They look so cute in the beautiful dresses you picked, and the white shoes go really nice with the whole outfit. They're so excited for the big day!"

That kinda puts a firm PERIOD on the discussion, know what I mean? Don't apologize for buying exactly what she said you could buy, and don't apologize for not giving in to her changing her mind now. Politely remind her that she said white shoes were fine, that you won't be returning, exchanging, or replacing them with gold sandals, and that the girls look great in the entire outfit and that is how they will be dressed on the big day.

If she presses further or puts up more of a fight, I would personally handle it by getting a little more blunt with her: "To be honest, it's not really in my budget right now to buy them another pair of shoes, especially when I've already bought them a pair that they can wear more than once AND fit the description of shoes you gave me when I first asked. If you insist that they wear gold sandals, you're more than welcome to purchase them yourself in the girls' sizes and I will make sure they wear them for the wedding, but if that was what you really wanted I wish you would have told me the first time. Now that I've bought white shoes, I'm not going to return them or buy extra shoes. Let me know what you'd like to do."

redoryx · March 2015

Nope nope nope.

If she wants gold sandals well, 1) she should have said that in the beginning and 2) she can buy them herself. Seriously, if she fights you on this she's gone into Bridezilla mode. NOBODY will pay attention to shoes, let alone the Flower Girl's

aurianna · March 2015

You're totally right in all of this. And you have every right to be totally direct about what the expectations were and that you stuck to them and won't change.

But if you want to sooth tensions without having to get the gold shoes, I'd maybe feign ignorance/innocence and say something like this:
"Oh no! I'm sorry. I thought we'd agreed on a neutral. The shoes they are wearing in the picture are the ones I just bought specifically for the wedding. I'm not sure I can return them. And I do think they look so cute with the adorable dress you picked out. I'm sure no one will be expecting the flower girls to match the adults. I didn't budget for another pair. Is it ok if they wear the white? It would really help me out.."

Or something. If she says no to something like that, that's when I'd start being more direct.

huskypuppy14 · March 2015

aurianna said:
You're totally right in all of this. And you have every right to be totally direct about what the expectations were and that you stuck to them and won't change.

But if you want to sooth tensions without having to get the gold shoes, I'd maybe feign ignorance/innocence and say something like this:
"Oh no! I'm sorry. I thought we'd agreed on a neutral. The shoes they are wearing in the picture are the ones I just bought specifically for the wedding. I'm not sure I can return them. And I do think they look so cute with the adorable dress you picked out. I'm sure no one will be expecting the flower girls to match the adults. I didn't budget for another pair. Is it ok if they wear the white? It would really help me out.."

Or something. If she says no to something like that, that's when I'd start being more direct.

I don't like this, because the OP shouldn't have to apologize. Why do people feel they have to treat brides with kid gloves.The bride is being ridiculous about this, and if she persists, OP should tell her a firm no.

aurianna · March 2015

huskypuppy14 said:

aurianna said:
You're totally right in all of this. And you have every right to be totally direct about what the expectations were and that you stuck to them and won't change.

But if you want to sooth tensions without having to get the gold shoes, I'd maybe feign ignorance/innocence and say something like this:
"Oh no! I'm sorry. I thought we'd agreed on a neutral. The shoes they are wearing in the picture are the ones I just bought specifically for the wedding. I'm not sure I can return them. And I do think they look so cute with the adorable dress you picked out. I'm sure no one will be expecting the flower girls to match the adults. I didn't budget for another pair. Is it ok if they wear the white? It would really help me out.."

Or something. If she says no to something like that, that's when I'd start being more direct.
I don't like this, because the OP shouldn't have to apologize. Why do people feel they have to treat brides with kid gloves.The bride is being ridiculous about this, and if she persists, OP should tell her a firm no.

As I said, she shouldn't have to. She has every right to be direct and just flat out say "no, and this is why" from the beginning.

But some people don't like confrontation or being the "bad guy" even if they are within their rights. Just suggesting some phrasing that's still totally honest, but softer. OP definitely does not need to use it.

JellyBean52513 · March 2015

aurianna said:

huskypuppy14 said:

aurianna said:
You're totally right in all of this. And you have every right to be totally direct about what the expectations were and that you stuck to them and won't change.

But if you want to sooth tensions without having to get the gold shoes, I'd maybe feign ignorance/innocence and say something like this:
"Oh no! I'm sorry. I thought we'd agreed on a neutral. The shoes they are wearing in the picture are the ones I just bought specifically for the wedding. I'm not sure I can return them. And I do think they look so cute with the adorable dress you picked out. I'm sure no one will be expecting the flower girls to match the adults. I didn't budget for another pair. Is it ok if they wear the white? It would really help me out.."

Or something. If she says no to something like that, that's when I'd start being more direct.
I don't like this, because the OP shouldn't have to apologize. Why do people feel they have to treat brides with kid gloves.The bride is being ridiculous about this, and if she persists, OP should tell her a firm no.
As I said, she shouldn't have to. She has every right to be direct and just flat out say "no, and this is why" from the beginning.

But some people don't like confrontation or being the "bad guy" even if they are within their rights. Just suggesting some phrasing that's still totally honest, but softer. OP definitely does not need to use it.

I understand where you're coming from; it's much easier for us to sit here and say "put her in her place! Stand up for yourself!" than it is to actually put that advice into action. I'm all for the phrasing you suggested, without the "I'm sorry," because apologizing when you're done nothing wrong just to placate an irrational adult is only going to continue feeding their wedding ego. The OP and her daughters should not have to be subjected to nonsense just because someone else is getting married and doesn't know how to act appropriately when it comes to demanding attire choices.

Jen4948 · March 2015

Tell her no. "Unfortunately, as you specifically listed white shoes as acceptable footwear for the girls when we previously discussed what you wanted them to wear, that's what they have. It is too late for us to purchase new shoes for them. If you still want them as flower girls, either they will have to wear the shoes they have or you will have to pay for the ones you want."

MobKaz · March 2015

I would treat the question rhetorically. FSIL asked the question in the moment of seeing the outfit. It sounds as if you did not answer immediately. Because you bought the shoes within the parameters FSIL set, I would let it go. Less is more here. I am guessing she will forget about such a non-issue detail. If for some reason she does re-visit the issue with you, I would simply say, "The shoes are neutral as you initially requested and afford me a lot of options with DD's daily wear. Thanks for understanding".

AddieCake · March 2015

Nobody is going to notice any of the shoes, let alone whether or not the flower girls and bridesmaids have shoes that go together. Tell her that she gave you parameters, you followed them, and you are done.

Heffalump · March 2015

Just throwing this in: my daughter has been a flower girl twice, and I had to think really hard to remember which shoes she wore both times. If my life depended on it, I could not tell you what any of the bridesmaids' shoes looked like and how similar or different they were to my daughter's shoes. Shoot, at this point I couldn't even tell you what color the bridesmaids wore.

This is one of those things that the bride thinks will matter, but I don't see how it possibly will. You have shoes, per her (original) instructions, so I say your girls are all set.

novella1186 · March 2015

Send her here. We can let her know how silly it is to

1) dictate shoes

2) give parameters for shoes and then change your mind after shoes have been bought within those parameters

3) think the flower girls' feet must match the BM's feet

4) think that the flower girls' feet are such a big deal

She's stressing over silly details that don't even matter. Tell her she has far bigger things to worry about. And as everyone else has said, tell her NO.

MandyMost · March 2015

People always have a right to ask, and you always have a right to say no. I don't think she did anything wrong by asking if you could get gold instead, and I don't think it's at all wrong of you to say no.

Honestly, if the bride came on these boards and said "The flower girls look great, and just what I asked for, but I think they'd look so much better in gold shoes!" we'd all probably say that it can't hurt to ask, and they can always say no.

photokitty · March 2015

MandyMost said:
People always have a right to ask, and you always have a right to say no. I don't think she did anything wrong by asking if you could get gold instead, and I don't think it's at all wrong of you to say no.

Honestly, if the bride came on these boards and said "The flower girls look great, and just what I asked for, but I think they'd look so much better in gold shoes!" we'd all probably say that it can't hurt to ask, and they can always say no.

Not me, I'd tell the bride, she bought shoes within your parameters. If you want gold sandals you need to offer to buy them. Asking is rude, because it put the person in an awkward situation.

If a bride changed her mind on BM dress color would it be ok for her to ask the BMs to buy a new dress - bc it never hurts to ask? Nope, we'd tell that bridezilla she's being rude and stick with what you originally told everyone. Kids shoes are no different.

redoryx · March 2015

MandyMost said:
People always have a right to ask, and you always have a right to say no. I don't think she did anything wrong by asking if you could get gold instead, and I don't think it's at all wrong of you to say no.

Honestly, if the bride came on these boards and said "The flower girls look great, and just what I asked for, but I think they'd look so much better in gold shoes!" we'd all probably say that it can't hurt to ask, and they can always say no.

Yeah, I don't think so. If she offered to buy the gold shoes, sure. But asking them to spend more money after they already bought exactly what she first wanted would be a no go with me.

AddieCake · March 2015

No, I would not tell a bride that, Mandy. I would tell her what I told OP, which is that nobody will notice or care what anyone's shoes look like, least of all whether or not the bridesmaids and flower girls have coordinating shoes. I don't even know what my own bridesmaids' shoes looked like.

Jen4948 · March 2015

MandyMost said:
People always have a right to ask, and you always have a right to say no. I don't think she did anything wrong by asking if you could get gold instead, and I don't think it's at all wrong of you to say no.

Honestly, if the bride came on these boards and said "The flower girls look great, and just what I asked for, but I think they'd look so much better in gold shoes!" we'd all probably say that it can't hurt to ask, and they can always say no.

I disagree. Once the bride gave the OP parameters and the OP chose shoes that within those parameters, that should have been the end of it, because having to spend more time and money because of a greedy demand is hurtful. Sometimes it does hurt to ask.

PrettyGirlLost · March 2015

MandyMost said:
People always have a right to ask, and you always have a right to say no. I don't think she did anything wrong by asking if you could get gold instead, and I don't think it's at all wrong of you to say no.

Honestly, if the bride came on these boards and said "The flower girls look great, and just what I asked for, but I think they'd look so much better in gold shoes!" we'd all probably say that it can't hurt to ask, and they can always say no.

Nope, not me. I'd tell the bride that no one is going to notice or give a flying rat's ass what shoes any of them- bride included- are wearing. Plus the OP did exactly as the bride asked- she was given the option of white, gold, black, etc shoes and she opted for the white.

OP, I agree that you should probably just ignore the comment and show up with your daughters on the day of the wedding with their white shoes. If your FSIL brings up the shoes again ask her what type and color shoes the BM's and FG's wore in the last wedding she attended. And as others have said, if she really ants to be a pain in the ass about the shoes, let her know she's welcomed to but them for the girls herself.

PrettyGirlLost · March 2015

aurianna said:

huskypuppy14 said:

aurianna said:
You're totally right in all of this. And you have every right to be totally direct about what the expectations were and that you stuck to them and won't change.

But if you want to sooth tensions without having to get the gold shoes, I'd maybe feign ignorance/innocence and say something like this:
"Oh no! I'm sorry. I thought we'd agreed on a neutral. The shoes they are wearing in the picture are the ones I just bought specifically for the wedding. I'm not sure I can return them. And I do think they look so cute with the adorable dress you picked out. I'm sure no one will be expecting the flower girls to match the adults. I didn't budget for another pair. Is it ok if they wear the white? It would really help me out.."

Or something. If she says no to something like that, that's when I'd start being more direct.
I don't like this, because the OP shouldn't have to apologize. Why do people feel they have to treat brides with kid gloves.The bride is being ridiculous about this, and if she persists, OP should tell her a firm no.
As I said, she shouldn't have to. She has every right to be direct and just flat out say "no, and this is why" from the beginning.

But some people don't like confrontation or being the "bad guy" even if they are within their rights. Just suggesting some phrasing that's still totally honest, but softer. OP definitely does not need to use it.

And those people get walked and run over throughout life. People need to accept that No is not a 4 letter word, that even if it was it's still acceptable when you don't want to do something, and that you cannot avoid confrontation in life and trying to do so usually makes situations worse and prolongs unnecessary drama.

Liatris2010 · March 2015

I don't know ladies.... This one time I was at a wedding and the BMs had black shoes and the flower girls had white shoes, and I couldn't enjoy the ceremony because I was so distracted by the mismatch. Despite being graciously hosted, the wedding was ruined for me because of other people's shoes.

Oh wait, that never happened.

Dreamergirl8812 · March 2015

Because of the gold sandals, I just keep picturing the little girls dressed as Aphrodite, sipping wine from goblets and eating grapes from the hands of slaves.

amelisha · March 2015

Dreamergirl8812 said:
Because of the gold sandals, I just keep picturing the little girls dressed as Aphrodite, sipping wine from goblets and eating grapes from the hands of slaves.

Me too. Picturing gladiator-style lacing up their legs to the hem of their cute little-girl dresses and giggling. I don't really understand what formal gold sandals would even look like for a child.

And I agree with all the rest of this. They're kids, it doesn't matter, and buying special shoes at all was more than you had to do. Also little white or black dress shoes are appropriate for pretty well any formal event a little girl would attend, IMO, and should look appropriate with any appropriate outfit, for that matter.

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