BM dilemma - Do I ask my friends who are financially unstable?

nycgal85 · March 2015

So right now I have my two sisters and FIs sister as BMs. I also plan to ask my two best girlfriends here in NYC to be BMs. I have two other very close friends, my best friend from middle/high school and my college roommate, but neither of them live nearby. Both of them are in financial hardship, college roomie is expecting her first baby this summer and bought a house earlier this year, and middle school friend is not financially stable. I was also in roomie's wedding last summer.

So my dilemma is, do I ask them out of courtesy because they are such close friends, even though I know financially it would be very hard. Or do I not and risk hurting their feelings in order to prevent them from the financial burden? I'm worried that they will say yes but I don't want to add all those extra costs, especially since it would already require airfare, hotel, etc in NY just to attend the wedding.

When roomie asked me to be a BM she prefaced it with I know it's hard because you don't live here you can say no. But again, I felt like it was my duty as her friend to say yes and be there as a BM. But, I also was unable to participate in any BM activities since I wasn't local.

Does anyone have any advice on how to handle this?

mikenberger · March 2015

nycgal85 said:
So right now I have my two sisters and FIs sister as BMs. I also plan to ask my two best girlfriends here in NYC to be BMs. I have two other very close friends, my best friend from middle/high school and my college roommate, but neither of them live nearby. Both of them are in financial hardship, college roomie is expecting her first baby this summer and bought a house earlier this year, and middle school friend is not financially stable. I was also in roomie's wedding last summer.

So my dilemma is, do I ask them out of courtesy because they are such close friends, even though I know financially it would be very hard. Or do I not and risk hurting their feelings in order to prevent them from the financial burden? I'm worried that they will say yes but I don't want to add all those extra costs, especially since it would already require airfare, hotel, etc in NY just to attend the wedding.

When roomie asked me to be a BM she prefaced it with I know it's hard because you don't live here you can say no. But again, I felt like it was my duty as her friend to say yes and be there as a BM. But, I also was unable to participate in any BM activities since I wasn't local.

Does anyone have any advice on how to handle this?

You owe nobody a duty to ask them to be in your wedding and nobody owes you any duties as a bridesmaid beyond getting a dress you choose within a budget they give you and show up. That's it. So if you don't think these friends can fulfill these two things, don't ask them. It's just that simple.

You cannot take the finances of others into your responsibility. It's their money. If they want to be a BM when you ask them, it's not your job to police their spending. I know you believe you're doing the best for their interests but it's up to them to spend the money, not you.

I wouldn't feel good as a friend of yours that you wanted me to be in your bridal party but didn't ask me because you thought I was too poor or that I couldn't handle my own finances.

thespeshulestsnowflake · March 2015

mikenberger said:

nycgal85 said:
So right now I have my two sisters and FIs sister as BMs. I also plan to ask my two best girlfriends here in NYC to be BMs. I have two other very close friends, my best friend from middle/high school and my college roommate, but neither of them live nearby. Both of them are in financial hardship, college roomie is expecting her first baby this summer and bought a house earlier this year, and middle school friend is not financially stable. I was also in roomie's wedding last summer.

So my dilemma is, do I ask them out of courtesy because they are such close friends, even though I know financially it would be very hard. Or do I not and risk hurting their feelings in order to prevent them from the financial burden? I'm worried that they will say yes but I don't want to add all those extra costs, especially since it would already require airfare, hotel, etc in NY just to attend the wedding.

When roomie asked me to be a BM she prefaced it with I know it's hard because you don't live here you can say no. But again, I felt like it was my duty as her friend to say yes and be there as a BM. But, I also was unable to participate in any BM activities since I wasn't local.

Does anyone have any advice on how to handle this?
You owe nobody a duty to ask them to be in your wedding and nobody owes you any duties as a bridesmaid beyond getting a dress you choose within a budget they give you and show up. That's it. So if you don't think these friends can fulfill these two things, don't ask them. It's just that simple.

You cannot take the finances of others into your responsibility. It's their money. If they want to be a BM when you ask them, it's not your job to police their spending. I know you believe you're doing the best for their interests but it's up to them to spend the money, not you.

I wouldn't feel good as a friend of yours that you wanted me to be in your bridal party but didn't ask me because you thought I was too poor or that I couldn't handle my own finances.

QFT. And it would make me think you were very judgy of my financial situation one way or another. As the bride, it they say yes, you privately ask for their budgets and go from the lowest budget for dresses.

drunkenwitch · March 2015

What they said. Seriously, they don't need to spend a lot of money on a dress. Give them a color and let them choose something. Major deals can be found on clearance or at second hand stores. What's more important, honoring your nearest and dearest or dressing people up like props to fit a "vision?

downtondiva · March 2015

If you want these friends in your wedding party, ask them. Let them figure out if it's financially feasible and respect whatever decision they make. Don't make the decision for them.

esstee33 · March 2015

If you want them in your bridal party, just ask them and let them decide for themselves if they can / want to accept. You should be asking all of them for their budgets (privately) before you select a dress anyway, so you do have the ability to make it easier on them financially. Or you could just say "get a dress of X color" and let them pick one themselves, within their budgets, or wear one they already have if it fits the criteria.

There's no reason being a bridesmaid has to be exorbitantly expensive if the bride is a reasonable person.

AddieCake · March 2015

If you want them, ask them. Don't attempt to decide for them what they can and cannot afford.

mikenberger · March 2015

And from your posting history, you just got engaged. Calm down and enjoy your engagement before jumping head first into the shallow end

There will be plenty of time for that nonsense. You don't even need to select your bridal party until 9-12 months before the wedding.

[Deleted User] · March 2015

If I were in your position I wouldn't ask them to be BM, just invite them as guests. The reason being is that even if they say they will do it (it's hard to turn down friends), in the back of my mind I would be worrying about what this could be doing to them financially. Which then causes stress to you during your planning and you don't need any additional stress, planning a wedding is stressful enough. But if they are guests (assuming they can afford the trip) you can just dance with them and have fun & no stress. Make sure the photographer gets a few photos of you with them.

novella1186 · March 2015

If they're important to you and you want to honor them, then ask them. Their financial situations are none of your business (but I understand that as a friend, you don't want to put them in a tough spot). Maybe ask them in a way that doesn't put them on the spot so they have some time to think about it for a while and decide if it's something they're able to do.

And I agree with the PP that said to just let them choose their own dresses. I let my BMs choose their own, and they all picked something amazing. One girl found a really pretty dress on clearance for $30. The new mom with a tight budget was able to find a beautiful floor-length dress for $50 and it looks great on her (she texted me a picture). Another girl is wearing her old prom dress (which is such an amazing, classic dress so I'm really excited to see it on her again!) so her outfit cost her a total of $0. Being a BM doesn't have to mean spending a ton of money.

southernbelle0915 · March 2015

Don't ask them "out of courtesy". Ask them because you want them standing next to you when you say your vows.

If you ask people who you know are financially strapped for cash, I would have your BM dress be "any knee length black/blue/pink dress" (or whatever your specs are). Just leave it broad and open ended so people can easily find something in their budget. Let them wear "any black/nude/silver shoe" and don't require certain jewelry, make up, hair, nails, etc unless you're willing to pay for it.

That should make being a BM no different than attending as a guest - cost wise.

mikenberger · March 2015

Erikan73 said:
If I were in your position I wouldn't ask them to be BM, just invite them as guests. The reason being is that even if they say they will do it (it's hard to turn down friends), in the back of my mind I would be worrying about what this could be doing to them financially. Which then causes stress to you during your planning and you don't need any additional stress, planning a wedding is stressful enough. But if they are guests (assuming they can afford the trip) you can just dance with them and have fun & no stress. Make sure the photographer gets a few photos of you with them.

Why would you borrow this stress? Is there nothing else to worry about than what other adults are doing with their wallets?

nycgal85 · March 2015

Thanks for the advice ladies. The biggest issue with the finances has to do with the fact that they would probably need two nights in the hotel instead of just one if they were not in the wedding, plus the cost of airfare, the dress, etc.

But I've realized that I should focus on the friends who have been instrumental in my relationship, which would be my two gf's here in NYC, not the two friends from my past who I see maybe once or twice a year (roomie) and once in the past 4 years (childhood friend).

arrrghmatey · March 2015

nycgal85 said:
Thanks for the advice ladies. The biggest issue with the finances has to do with the fact that they would probably need two nights in the hotel instead of just one if they were not in the wedding, plus the cost of airfare, the dress, etc.

But I've realized that I should focus on the friends who have been instrumental in my relationship, which would be my two gf's here in NYC, not the two friends from my past who I see maybe once or twice a year (roomie) and once in the past 4 years (childhood friend).

Why do they need two nights in a hotel room? Are you saying this because you plan to have a rehearsal/rehearsal dinner the day before the wedding? Keep in mind that rehearsals are not mandatory, so if your bridesmaids are really trying to save money, then they do not have to show up a day early for the rehearsal. And there are so many ways for them to save on expenses that come along with being a bridesmaid. You could choose a simple black cocktails dress for their bridesmaid dresses--something they may already have in their closets or buy at an affordable price. Let them wear shoes that they already own.

If you want these girls to be your bridesmaids because you really want them to stand up there with you, then ask them. Don't do it because you feel you owe them or because you are afraid to hurt their feelings. They're adults and their financial situations are their business, so it is up to them to politely decline being a bridesmaid if they feel they cannot afford to be one. If they say yes, be sure to ask each one individually about their budget for the dress. Be prepared to let them do their own hair and make-up. And be prepared for some of them not to attend a Bachelorette Party if they decide to throw one for you.

southernbelle0915 · March 2015

They don't really need two nights at the hotel. Rehearsals aren't mandatory or even necessary unless there's something really crazy about your ceremony. As long as people know how to walk, they can generally handle not attending a rehearsal.

Maggie0829 · March 2015

southernbelle0915 said:
They don't really need two nights at the hotel. Rehearsals aren't mandatory or even necessary unless there's something really crazy about your ceremony. As long as people know how to walk, they can generally handle not attending a rehearsal.

I would have to disagree with this a bit. If I were a BM (hell if I were a guest) and had to FLY to get to the destination, I would be flying in the day before because I would not want to chance my flight being delayed or cancelled the day of the wedding. Also, the whole giving myself time to get ready/dressed and get to the venue in plenty of time.

So even though the rehearsal is not a requirement, them coming in the day before would probably happen whether or not a rehearsal actually happens.

In the end, OP, you should ask who you want to be in your wedding party and take their financial situation (or what you think their financial situation is) out of the equation. These people are grownups and can decide for themselves if they can or cannot afford to be in your wedding, or even attend the wedding.

MadHops21 · March 2015

southernbelle0915 said:
They don't really need two nights at the hotel. Rehearsals aren't mandatory or even necessary unless there's something really crazy about your ceremony. As long as people know how to walk, they can generally handle not attending a rehearsal.

You would think so, right? My brother's church coordinator or whatever she was was extremely picky about how fast the bridal party walked and when to walk. She actually had a whistle to blow if we talked too quick or too slow. She yelled at my SIL multiple times and every time she turned around, me and my SIL made freaked out faces to each other. This woman believed no one had ever seen a wedding before and how to do a walk down the aisle.

nycgal85 · March 2015

Thanks for all the advice ladies. I'm leaning more toward not asking them, but finding a way to make them feel special during the wedding instead. I don't want them to feel obligated to spend money they dont have on something that is already going to be expensive (it's NYC, it's expensive from the start).

mikenberger · March 2015

nycgal85 said:
Thanks for all the advice ladies. I'm leaning more toward not asking them, but finding a way to make them feel special during the wedding instead. I don't want them to feel obligated to spend money they dont have on something that is already going to be expensive (it's NYC, it's expensive from the start).

Being a guest is an honor enough. Don't make them feel like second rate bridesmaids.

BM dilemma - Do I ask my friends who are financially unstable?

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