Falling out with MOH What do I do?!?!?

Knottie02401131 · March 2015

Hi Knotties,

Has anyone ever had to asked their MOH to step down mid way through the wedding planning? I have 5 months to go before our wedding and I had to confront my MOH that she is being way too pushy, taking control over planning I specifically asked her not to, bugging the bridesmaids to buy decorations for a party I'm hosting at my house when I said it was not necessary, absolutely love the dresses I picked out for the wedding party and then a month later tell me she doesn't like strapless dresses, flipping out over every little detail, and the list goes on.... She apologized that she had no clue she was being over controlling and obsessive, the next day she was upset over the same things as before, and then when I went over to her condo on the third day and wan an extreme B*&%! I had no other option but to walk out because I had reached my limits of patience and she threatened me 3 times saying if I walk away she will assume for the sake of our friendship she is not in my wedding party unless I came back into her condo to listen to her rant over nothing! It has been extremely emotional because we have been friends for five years and in the past two years we have been inseparable. She contacted me once because one of my wedding guests sent her a gift to give to me. She didn't want to see me so she left it at the guards office of her complex for me to pick it up. We have not had any contact other than that since she threatened me.

What do I do in this situation? I wrote her a very long message basically asking if she is okay and I had to assume she did not want to be my MOH. I haven't heard back from her. I have never heard of her treating others this way and I have never had her treat me this way ever. We have worked together well with charity events, she was with me when I bought my dress, we had a blast together at a bridal bazaar, and we have so many fun pictures and memories together.

southernbelle0915 · March 2015

It sounds like both of you are letting this wedding ruin your friendship.

She's absolutely out of line for asking BMs to buy things for your party. All you have to do, though,is contact the BMs and tell them they don't actually need to buy anything.

It's very hard for someone to plan your wedding if you don't share any details with them. Stop sharing with her. When she asks, be vague and change the subject. If she pushes, tell her you don't want to talk about the wedding. Repeat as necessary.

About the dresses, your top priority should be the comfort of your best friends. Not your "vision" or whatever. So if she wants to add straps to her dress for whatever reason, why would you fight that? These people are your friends, not paper dolls.

I think the two of you need to go have a margarita together and pretend like this wedding isn't happening. It's obviously bringing out the crazy in both of you.

southernbelle0915 · March 2015

Knottie02401131 said:
Hi Knotties,

Has anyone ever had to asked their MOH to step down mid way through the wedding planning? I have 5 months to go before our wedding and I had to confront my MOH that she is being way too pushy, taking control over planning I specifically asked her not to, bugging the bridesmaids to buy decorations for a party I'm hosting at my house when I said it was not necessary, absolutely love the dresses I picked out for the wedding party and then a month later tell me she doesn't like strapless dresses, flipping out over every little detail, and the list goes on.... She apologized that she had no clue she was being over controlling and obsessive, the next day she was upset over the same things as before, and then when I went over to her condo on the third day and wan an extreme B*&%! I had no other option but to walk out because I had reached my limits of patience and she threatened me 3 times saying if I walk away she will assume for the sake of our friendship she is not in my wedding party unless I came back into her condo to listen to her rant over nothing! It has been extremely emotional because we have been friends for five years and in the past two years we have been inseparable. She contacted me once because one of my wedding guests sent her a gift to give to me. She didn't want to see me so she left it at the guards office of her complex for me to pick it up. We have not had any contact other than that since she threatened me.

What do I do in this situation? I wrote her a very long message basically asking if she is okay and I had to assume she did not want to be my MOH. I haven't heard back from her. I have never heard of her treating others this way and I have never had her treat me this way ever. We have worked together well with charity events, she was with me when I bought my dress, we had a blast together at a bridal bazaar, and we have so many fun pictures and memories together.

JIC

LondonLisa · March 2015

Knottie02401131 said:
Hi Knotties,

Has anyone ever had to asked their MOH to step down mid way through the wedding planning? I have 5 months to go before our wedding and I had to confront my MOH that she is being way too pushy, taking control over planning I specifically asked her not to, bugging the bridesmaids to buy decorations for a party I'm hosting at my house when I said it was not necessary, absolutely love the dresses I picked out for the wedding party and then a month later tell me she doesn't like strapless dresses, flipping out over every little detail, and the list goes on.... She apologized that she had no clue she was being over controlling and obsessive, the next day she was upset over the same things as before, and then when I went over to her condo on the third day and wan an extreme B*&%! I had no other option but to walk out because I had reached my limits of patience and she threatened me 3 times saying if I walk away she will assume for the sake of our friendship she is not in my wedding party unless I came back into her condo to listen to her rant over nothing! It has been extremely emotional because we have been friends for five years and in the past two years we have been inseparable. She contacted me once because one of my wedding guests sent her a gift to give to me. She didn't want to see me so she left it at the guards office of her complex for me to pick it up. We have not had any contact other than that since she threatened me.

What do I do in this situation? I wrote her a very long message basically asking if she is okay and I had to assume she did not want to be my MOH. I haven't heard back from her. I have never heard of her treating others this way and I have never had her treat me this way ever. We have worked together well with charity events, she was with me when I bought my dress, we had a blast together at a bridal bazaar, and we have so many fun pictures and memories together.

Was she like this before? Honestly, a lot of this seems rather petty and definitely did not necessitate a confrontation. How can she be controlling over something she has no control (your wedding). Yes, maybe offering unsolicited advice is annoying, but if she was as close of a friend, you could easily just ignore it. The decorations thing is strange, but why are you hosting your own party? Why are you inserting yourself in issues between her and other bridesmaids? You could have easily sent out an email saying "Sorry, there is a misunderstanding- please don't buy XYZ for this event".

I think you need to leave it for a bit- you have 5 months until the wedding. Just give her a week or 2 to have some space. Then I would call her and ask her out for a coffee. Do not mention your wedding at all. You two need to sit down and figure out what is going on with your relationship. Your wedding is secondary. Does she have something big going on in her life?

You were in the wrong for saying "I assume you don't want to be MOH" because that reads like "I don't want you to be MOH". That probably hurt her quite a bit.

climbingsingle · March 2015

Honestly, it sounds like you're both behaving pretty immaturely and you're both in the wrong. Do you want to continue being friends with her?

novella1186 · March 2015

I think everyone has hit the nail on the head with their replies and I 100% agree with scribe on just letting this lie for a while. Sounds like you both need some time to cool off and think. Approach her in a few weeks just to see how she's doing and to apologize for the big immature blow-up you two have had. Because it does sound like you BOTH have reasons to be sorry.

(If her controlling behaviors were bugging you so much, you should have just left her out of wedding planning or ignored her. If she wants straps on her dress, let her wear straps. It's HER dress that's going on HER body).

If you still want to continue being friends with her, let her know at that point that it would mean a lot to you if she would still be your MOH.

Kicking her out would be extremely hurtful to her, and your friendship would probably come to a permanent end at that point.

Knottie02401131 · March 2015

Thank you ladies for the feedback. I tried to micro manage all issues and demands she kept making over and over. Unfortunately my Mom and I don't get along and I asked if she was planning any sort of bridal shower where I live or back in my hometown in Texas and she told me it was unnecessary and she did not want to. Despite the let down I decided to have a party at my house and since my MOH said she couldn't afford hosting it any wedding party activities. We kept it simple: one bridesmaid baked a three tier cake, another brought food, and I payed for a fully stocked champagne bar. my MOH brought a table cloth and some paper plates. I told all guests to please not bring anything; I just wanted to have a great time to have fun with all the local girlfriends I have in Souther California.

One of my bridesmaids could not make it, but sent a package with decorations and a gift she asked my MOH if she could please put the VS bridal PJs, and hanger with my new last name and a gift card. There was not gift card in the package. I know my MOH opened it and re taped it up (it was addressed to her) before leaving it for me to pick up at the security guards' office. I double checked with my bridesmaid in Texas; there was a gift card. I'm so frustrated with this. I want to confront her about it, but I'm trying to let it go and move on? What would you do in this situation?

The Adrianna Papell dress I chose for my bridesmaids was from Macy's and was discontinued in blue slate. Luckily I was able to find the last two for only $32! My Maid of Honor demanded I find her the dress in a size two; she wanted to return her original dress in a size 2 and have me buy her a size 2 right away. The dress comes with spaghetti straps and a shawl so I cannot understand why she demanded a different dress. I purchased a total of 12 Adrianna Papell dresses that I know I could return after my bridesmaids picked theres out. I tried to find a size two for her but all I was able to purchase was size 4-16 in multiple beaded styles and same color. She never told me that the original blue slate dress at Macy's was so uncomfortable for her to wear and she told me she don't wear strapless dresses (not true! I have been shopping with her for years).

You are all right, it is all so petty. It's been two weeks since she was yelling at me. I feel like this is high school drama. We are all in our 30's. I know she takes meds for being bipolar and several anti-anxiety meds, but she has been taking them for years and I have never seen this side of her.

KatWAG · March 2015

Thank you ladies for the feedback. I tried to micro manage all issues and demands she kept making over and over. Unfortunately my Mom and I don't get along and I asked if she was planning any sort of bridal shower where I live or back in my hometown in Texas and she told me it was unnecessary and she did not want to. Despite the let down I decided to have a party at my house and since my MOH said she couldn't afford hosting it any wedding party activities. We kept it simple: one bridesmaid baked a three tier cake, another brought food, and I payed for a fully stocked champagne bar. my MOH brought a table cloth and some paper plates. I told all guests to please not bring anything; I just wanted to have a great time to have fun with all the local girlfriends I have in Souther California.

One of my bridesmaids could not make it, but sent a package with decorations and a gift she asked my MOH if she could please put the VS bridal PJs, and hanger with my new last name and a gift card. There was not gift card in the package. I know my MOH opened it and re taped it up (it was addressed to her) before leaving it for me to pick up at the security guards' office. I double checked with my bridesmaid in Texas; there was a gift card. I'm so frustrated with this. I want to confront her about it, but I'm trying to let it go and move on? What would you do in this situation?

The Adrianna Papell dress I chose for my bridesmaids was from Macy's and was discontinued in blue slate. Luckily I was able to find the last two for only $32! My Maid of Honor demanded I find her the dress in a size two; she wanted to return her original dress in a size 2 and have me buy her a size 2 right away. The dress comes with spaghetti straps and a shawl so I cannot understand why she demanded a different dress. I purchased a total of 12 Adrianna Papell dresses that I know I could return after my bridesmaids picked theres out. I tried to find a size two for her but all I was able to purchase was size 4-16 in multiple beaded styles and same color. She never told me that the original blue slate dress at Macy's was so uncomfortable for her to wear and she told me she don't wear strapless dresses (not true! I have been shopping with her for years).

You are all right, it is all so petty. It's been two weeks since she was yelling at me. I feel like this is high school drama. We are all in our 30's. I know she takes meds for being bipolar and several anti-anxiety meds, but she has been taking them for years and I have never seen this side of her.

I am legitimately shocked that you are in your 30s.

This is petty bullshit. And it sounds like you volun-told your BMs to throw you a shower. No cool. Showers are not required, if no one offers to host one, then you don't get one.

And bringing up your MOH mental health is hurtful, shallow, and awful.

climbingsingle · March 2015

I'm also shocked you're in your 30s. This is childish drama.

Did you throw yourself a shower?? And now you're accusing her of stealing a gift? Jesus.

Conesus · March 2015

As an older bride/second marriage I can look back at my first wedding 28 years ago and laugh at the crap I swear was the end all-be all of my big day. My first father-in-law said in his toast to my late husband and me "If its a matter of taste, go with the flow. If its a matter of principle, stand like a rock." (Thomas Jefferson).

Although that advice works well for married couples it can also pertain to our friendships. Are the other bridesmaids complaining about her behavior or are you the only one having problems? Use that as a barometer for if she is acting like the MOH from Hell. Did you talk to her ahead of time regarding what you want her to take care off or is she doing what SHE thinks is required of her as the MOH? You might want to regroup with everyone and go over the list of what's left to do and who is going to do what.

If she or you decide she is not in the wedding, you have to ask yourself how her not being in your life will affect you. This is a huge friendship breaker and even if you try to rebuild your friendship after you drop her from the wedding or she resigns, the friendship, I guarantee, will never be the same. At my age (51), you will find the best true friends are there no matteer what but it helps when there is honest communication between you.

As far as the Case of the Missing Gift Card goes, you do know for a fact your other BM mailed a gift card? There was no assumption on your part? I have to ask because if Molly the Gift Mailing bridemaid told you there WAS a gift card you should tell her there was not one in the gift when you opened it up (any possibility it was tossed with any bubble wrap/tissue paper?). If you suspect your MOH of taking it and Molly the Gift Mailing BM still has the receipt, she could ask the store for info on where and when it was redeemed. However, there is still no guarantee MOH took it.

If you know without a shadow of a doubt that MOH took it, that would be the end of the friendship for me. I am not friends with people who steal from me.

southernbelle0915 · March 2015

Ditto others on throwing your own shower. That's awful.

But its also awful that your MOH stole the gift card from your other BM. What the actual fuck? Honestly, I would not be friends with someone like that. Kicking someone out of a wedding will end a friendship, but I would never hesitate to end a friendship with someone who stole from me/others.

MairePoppy · March 2015

Knottie02401131 said:

You are all right, it is all so petty. It's been two weeks since she was yelling at me. I feel like this is high school drama. We are all in our 30's. I know she takes med for being bipolar and several anti-anxiety meds, but she has been taking them for years and I have never seen this side of her.

Ok then, let's forget all the petty stuff and focus on something important. Your MOH's erratic behavior could be a symptom of her bipolar disorder. She may not be taking her meds correctly or may have changed meds or added in new meds or alcohol. You, as her best friend, should ask her if she's okay and let her know you care about her wellbeing and your friendship.

Unless your friend has a history of stealing, I would assume the gift card was misplaced.

It would be a shame to lose a friend over such petty issues.

LondonLisa · March 2015

OP, again, this is a friend issue not a wedding issue. Also, you were extremely rude to throw your own party. All the problems about that are on you. Stop focusing on your wedding and start being a concerned friend!

[Deleted User] · March 2015

After reading that she is on meds for being bi-polar, I wouldn't right her off quiet yet. Maybe something happened and she missed some of her meds and that has totally thrown her off. If you truely want to save this friendship try to keep up the contact by just sending her messages or cards to say let her know you're thinking of her & when you do talk to her, don't mention the wedding, try to make it about her and how she is doing. Keep in mind, even with being on meds, a person with bi-polar and aniexty issues can be a roller coaster of emotions. And knowing that you may need to make some special accomodations for her. I'm not saying to ignore mean things that she does, what I'm saying, when possible try to avoid trigger things for her. If you guys work things out talk to her and ask her what you can do to help her make the wedding day easier for her. Would giving her a details schedule of events help her to prepare for the day or would she be better off just knowing what time to show up & not knowing all the details. I know it's your big day, but if you ask someone to be a part of your wedding that has mental or physical challenges, you need to try to accomodate them. You have time to figure out where this friendship is going. Good luck!!

MyNameIsNot · March 2015

I too find it really surprising that you are in your 30's.

I also don't think you've been really reading the responses. Everyone pointed out that you are being awfully immature and petty too, and you just launched into another rant where you accuse her of stealing and fling her mental health issues out like an insult.

Perhaps her behavior is related to her illness, perhaps it's something else. You can't control that. What you can do is change how you behave. Take a step back and come back and read what you wrote from a blank perspective. You have plenty of room for improvement yourself.

And for the love of god cancel this shower. That's outrageously rude.

Falling out with MOH What do I do?!?!?

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