Wedding Vows & Ceremony Discussions

How to have a Pastor perform a non-religious ceremony?

So my fiance and I are still trying to figure out who will officiate our ceremony. Neither of us are really religious, and we are getting married at our reception space, so not in a church. Our initial thought was to have a friend become "licensed" to marry us, but checking with our state rules, it seemed like a very grey area, so to be safe we passed on that idea. Our next option was to find a Justice of the Peace; but the more I thought about that, the less I liked it. I really wanted the ceremony to be more personal and not held by a random stranger. This led me to my next thought...

Two years ago, my fiance's best friend passed away in a rather tragic accident. He would have been the best man in our wedding, and it's been pretty hard planning everything without him in it. He was a religious person: attended church weekly, was very close with his pastor, etc. When he passed away, we got to meet and spend some time with his pastor. My question then, I guess, is: would it be rude to ask his pastor to officiate our ceremony, even though we aren't a part of his church? Is there a way to have a pastor officiate a ceremony, but have it be relatively religion-neutral? I've tried looking up sample wedding ceremony scripts and programs with the context I'm looking for but haven't found anything. I have absolutely no idea if this is a big no-no or not a big deal. I really don't mean to offend anyone or come off disrespectful. The idea appeals to me because it would be more sentimental to have our friend's pastor officiate the ceremony - especially because he probably would have officiated our friend's wedding some day, and my fiance was the closest thing his buddy had to a brother. However, like I mentioned, even though our friend was religious, my fiance and I are not. A mention of God here and there is fine, but I know I do not want any Bible readings or anything like that. 

Sorry this was so lengthy - I'm trying to be cautious of how I word things... again, not meaning to sound insincere or disrespectful! Any thoughts or feedback would be SO much appreciated! Thanks everyone.

Re: How to have a Pastor perform a non-religious ceremony?

  • So my fiance and I are still trying to figure out who will officiate our ceremony. Neither of us are really religious, and we are getting married at our reception space, so not in a church. Our initial thought was to have a friend become "licensed" to marry us, but checking with our state rules, it seemed like a very grey area, so to be safe we passed on that idea. Our next option was to find a Justice of the Peace; but the more I thought about that, the less I liked it. I really wanted the ceremony to be more personal and not held by a random stranger. This led me to my next thought...


    Two years ago, my fiance's best friend passed away in a rather tragic accident. He would have been the best man in our wedding, and it's been pretty hard planning everything without him in it. He was a religious person: attended church weekly, was very close with his pastor, etc. When he passed away, we got to meet and spend some time with his pastor. My question then, I guess, is: would it be rude to ask his pastor to officiate our ceremony, even though we aren't a part of his church? Is there a way to have a pastor officiate a ceremony, but have it be relatively religion-neutral? I've tried looking up sample wedding ceremony scripts and programs with the context I'm looking for but haven't found anything. I have absolutely no idea if this is a big no-no or not a big deal. I really don't mean to offend anyone or come off disrespectful. The idea appeals to me because it would be more sentimental to have our friend's pastor officiate the ceremony - especially because he probably would have officiated our friend's wedding some day, and my fiance was the closest thing his buddy had to a brother. However, like I mentioned, even though our friend was religious, my fiance and I are not. A mention of God here and there is fine, but I know I do not want any Bible readings or anything like that. 

    Sorry this was so lengthy - I'm trying to be cautious of how I word things... again, not meaning to sound insincere or disrespectful! Any thoughts or feedback would be SO much appreciated! Thanks everyone.



    I'm not sure that it would be such a good idea to ask the Pastor to officiate your wedding, but then have him tone down any mentions of God.  I feel it might be a different story if you were good friends with this Pastor, but it sounds like you don't keep in regular contact with him. 

    I understand where you are coming from in wanting to have someone associated with FI's friend incorporated into your wedding.  But I think this is not the right way to go about it.

    There are JOPs that will personalize your ceremony for you.  Typically you will meet with them a few times, so it shouldn't feel so much like a random stranger is performing your ceremony.  You may want to see if a friend could be deputized for the day to perform your wedding.  It's basically a day pass to be JOP and the person deputized would be able to perform as many ceremonies as they wanted that day.

    What state are you in?  Perhaps you can go to the local board here on TK and ask for suggestions of JOPs in the area.

  • You can ask him, but I doubt a Pastor would say yes to officiating a wedding 1) not in the church and 2) not having an mention of God or religion. 

    We got married outside, so we just hired an officiant we found in TK's vendor section. When we were shopping, we asked several how flexible they were with ceremony content. We chose one that allowed us to write and customize our own ceremony. 
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  • I think those are both fair points to be made. I had a feeling it probably wouldn't work, I just needed to hear it from someone else. I appreciate your honesty!!
  • I think you mean well, but it could also be seen as insulting to the Pastor.  I think it's also a little disingenuous to have a person of faith officiate when you don't ascribe to the religion.  PPs have made good points about getting a JOP or having a friend officiate.  

    I don't know if this would be weird (and it probably depends on how close you are to the pastor), but maybe you could invite him and ask him to do a reading?


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  • Plenty of pastors will do non-super-religious wedding ceremonies. You just need to find the right one. Look for ones that advertise wedding ceremonies as a side business, rather than going directly through a church. We found ours on TK; he's a pastor at a local church but also a "rent-a-reverend" and allowed us to completely personalize our ceremony with exactly the amount of religion we wanted.

    Whether or not this particular pastor falls into that category, I have no idea.

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  • I think that it's unreasonable to ask a clergyman or woman to perform a nonreligious wedding ceremony-especially if it's taking place in their house of worship. This is not to say that s/he won't do it, but I wouldn't make the request because it disrespects their job and calling.

    I have to agree with the PP who stated that since this is in memory of your friend, you're doing this for the wrong reason. There are more appropriate ways to "remember" him at your wedding than to have a pastor in a faith that you don't practice officiate while specifically asking said pastor not to incorporate his religion into the ceremony.
  • I think this could go either way, depending on the individual pastor, how liberal he/she is, and what denomination the church is. We will be married by a pastor in a non-religious ceremony outside of a church, but this pastor is also a close family friend and we knew her well enough to know that this would not have been inappropriate. She has also performed other weddings outside of a church.

    Therefore, I'd say unless you personally know the values of this individual pastor very well, you'd be safer not asking.
  • I personally wouldn't be comfortable asking a pastor to compromise those things. I think you're heart is in the right place, but I don't think this is a good idea. 

    How grey is the area of having a friend ordained? What state are you in?
  • My pastor often does non-religious marriage ceremonies. It's always outside of our church though.
  • edited March 2015

    I think the key is to COMMUNICATE with the pastor your wishes, and to get a draft of the ceremony so that you can OK it.  It is NOT COOL to be an officiant and try to fit the bride and groom into YOUR agenda - it is the other way around 

    edited by moderator to remove TOS violation

    @artbyallie can you remove this post? This person is trying to trick people into visiting their website. 
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