What Would You Do?

yogablossom · March 2015

This is kind of wedding related--it has to do with a bachelorette I was invited to.

I am a bridesmaid in my cousin's wedding and I was invited to her bachelorette that a couple of her friends who are also bridesmaids had planned for her. My other cousin, the bride's sister is the MOH.

I had initially RSVP'd that I'd be able to go because I had requested the weekend off from work months ago. They scheduled me to work anyway. Aside from being irritated with our scheduler, I could not get off from work. I found this out the week of the bachelorette because I was holding out that maybe a co-worker could switch with me. No such luck.

So at the beginning of the week, Tuesday, I let the bridesmaids planning the bach that I was very sorry but I could not get off work and that I'd be unable to make it. They said they were sorry but that they still expected me to pay my portion. I understand where they were coming from--that I said I could go and that therefore, I could afford to, and could pay, so I should. But the more I sat on it, I thought that it was kind of stupid of me to pay for something I can't even attend--over something I had no control over. It wasn't like I planned on not attending and told them I could. I could not get off of work.

I don't even know these bridesmaids, as they are my cousin's friends, so I emailed the girl who was doing most of the planning. I explained to her that while I understood that I didn't want her getting stuck paying for my portion, that I didn't think it was completely fair to expect me to pay when I couldn't make it. I had offered to give her money to pay for some drinks for my cousin, which I thought was a good half way. I ran this by my cousin, the MOH and she agreed that that sounded perfect and that I should not have to pay either.

However, this bridesmaid was horribly rude to me in the email, saying that she didn't care how I came up with the money but that she needed it that day, and that if I didn't, she'd make a scene at my cousin's bridal shower, which was being held in the afternoon before the bach party.

Because I love my cousin and I do not want her knowing about any of this, I just responded that I felt this wasn't a hill that was worth dying on and that to save my cousin from embarrassment, I'd give her the money she needed.

But I still feel like what she did was wrong and rude. Am I correct in feeling this way? What is the etiquette for this? Am I the rude one? I am going to put this all behind me for my cousin's wedding because she doesn't need to know, but I badly about the whole thing.

What would you ladies have done?

aurianna · March 2015

Well, as soon as you found out you weren't getting the weekend off, I would have informed the party planners with at least "I haven't been able to get the weekend off. There is a chance a co-worker will be able to swap with me, but it's not for certain. Is there a date where I have to let you know by?"
But other than that I'm not sure what you could have done.
Is this all already said and done? It's already happened and you've already paid?

If there's still time:

What exactly did this girl plan that she expects you to pay for?
If it's something like she booked you a non-refundable, set-price-per-person appointment for a mani-pedi, a dancing lesson, a show ticket, something like that, I would first see if you could call up that place, explain you aren't coming, and see if they'll be flexible with their cancellation policy. Or perhaps ask the company if you can have a credit to do it some other time?
If that's not possible, assuming she didn't schedule it way way in advance, and assuming it was an activity you knew about and agreed to, then maybe I would give her money for it.

But if it's something like she decided there needed to be a limo, there needed to be a hotel suite that everyone shared, things like that that would always be a fixed price but just happen to be less per person, the more people came, that I feel like you shouldn't have to pay for, especially if you gave her a week's notice.
She planned the party, with those particular frills. If you'd never agreed to come in the first place, everyone would have been paying more anyway, including her. Things like that, i think someone hosting has to realize that it's a possibility someone might not be able to show up, and if they want those things, they may have to eat some of the difference. I don't know. This is just my opinion.

So as far as if you should have had to pay, I say it depends on what you're paying for and how much notice you gave her. And also if she was upfront about all the costs to begin with.

She was definitely way out of line though, threatening to make a scene at the shower. That is beyond immature. She was essentially saying she was willing to possibly ruin the bride's shower over a couple of dollars. That was bad form and you're very right to be annoyed about that. Also, since the MOH seemed ok with your solution, her still fighting it seems off.

lyndausvi · March 2015

How much are we talking here? What exactly does she need for your portion?

It it was last minute would be inclined to pick up my costs of a hotel room that I was sharing or even MY ticket to something. That would be about it though.

yogablossom · March 2015

It was for a party bus they rented for the night and there were about 17 others attending and our cost included the bride's portion (of course). I gave her a week's notice because I was hoping I'd still be able to make it and find someone to cover for me at work. It was $70 per person for us to use the party bus but I am unsure of what else that cost included.

I think what threw me was how disrespectfully she responded to me and that she was willing to sabotage my cousin's shower over something this ridiculous. That $70 for the party bus could have been divided between every one else going and it would have amounted to $4 extra per person, but apparently that was too much.

STARMOON44 · March 2015

I think you should still pay. It's no one else's fault you cancelled at the last minute and the organizers shouldn't be eating the cost or bothering everyone else for more money. She was rude and crazy in her response but you should still pay.

lyndausvi · March 2015

I get she was a bitch, but I would pay for the $70 if I had to cancel last minute and another (including the bride) were counting on my split of the costs.

Had you canceled sooner I would have had a different option.

yogablossom · March 2015

Well I did pay, and I guess I'm glad I did if this is the proper etiquette for the matter. Thanks ladies!

lyndausvi · March 2015

I'm not sure it's proper etiquette as much as it's the right thing to do. Sure the planner was being rude, but I would have a hard time making the others pick up extra costs because of me canceling last minute.

banana468 · March 2015

I agree with Lynda. The BM was rude but I don't think it's fair to cancel at the last minute and not pay.

photokitty · March 2015

I agree that you should pay. And to your suggestion that everyone else pay an additional $4 ~ while it's not a ton of money, I would be annoyed if I agreed to a certain price and it kept going up as people bailed. Once you commit to paying for a shared up front cost (ie party bus, hotel, non refundable tickets, etc) I think you are responsible for paying even if you can't go.

yogablossom · March 2015

I agree and understand about cancelling at the last minute--what is the etiquette for that though? What constitutes "last minute"? I gave her a week. So 1 week is still considered last minute, correct? Also, does reason factor in as well?

Playing Devil's Advocate here--Would the answer be different if someone had to cancel last minute because they were in a car crash and in the hospital? Or if a dear relative died and they needed to fly out for a funeral? Would that person still be required to pay?

For example, I do have some friends who are on very very tight budgets who would probably have committed to an event like this with the knowledge that they'd be saving over time for it, and if something horrible happened where they needed to dip into that party bus fund, they'd have to because there was literally no money to be had. Do those people still have to pay? I am certain there are a ton of various circumstances. Or does circumstance not matter? I promise I am not being an ass here, I did pay (my reason for not being able to attend was far from catastrophic, more irritating than anything), and I am glad I did pay, but I am legitimately curious as to what you all think, mostly because I want to make sure I don't behave inappropriately in the future, and in case any one else comes into a situation like this, they know, too.

Thanks for the honesty! This is a hard pill to swallow--mostly because I did NOT want to cancel on them. This whole situation is incredibly frustrating.

lyndausvi · March 2015

I view these things on a case-by-case basis. If I had the money and it was a week out and I had to bail then I would still pay. I feel it's the right thing to do.

If my car broken down a few days out and I had no money then I wouldn't pay. However, I would feel pretty guilty about not paying.

For the record I also pick what items I would still pay for and ones I wouldn't. I would pay for non-refutable tickets, but not to some general food/drink fund.

If I just didn't have the money to pay then I wouldn't pay. You can't get blood from a stone type thing.

If I was the others girls I would be bummed I now had to pay more, but would not hold it against the person who bailed. I would not think poorly of them. If you still covered your end on something like the shuttle I would think you are a stand-up person and think more highly of you in general.

Basically I don't think you have to pay when you can no longer do something, as much as I think it's the right thing to do when you commit to something and other people now have to pay more due to no fault of their own.

JellyBean52513 · March 2015

I would also have paid if I were in your shoes. I would feel badly that everyone was counting on me and I was suddenly unable to attend, especially if I agreed way back in the beginning that I was ok with paying for my share of the cost.

I might, however, handle her rude email as a separate manner. Maybe I show my cousin the emails and let her know that her friend is a completely douchebag. Perhaps I might BCC the bride on my reply and state "Please do not cause a scene at my cousin's bridal shower over $70. You will get your money." Or, maybe I'll do that and CC her openly. Or maybe I wait until the shower when we're all gathered in a group, and say "Oh, before I forget and before you cause a scene like you threatened me with, here's the $70 for bach party. Sorry again I can't make it, I'm still so pissed that the scheduler put me on when I requested off way in advance." This all depends on how much of a jerk she really was and how much of an asshole I could actually bring myself to be in retaliation. Being the bigger person is ALWAYS a great option, of course lol

justsie · March 2015

I agree with PP. If the cost was something dependent on me being there (food costs, tickets we were buying at the place and not ahead of time, etc) I wouldn't pay. But things that costed the same no matter who is there, I'd pay.

To answer your questions I feel that last minute is any time you previously agree to pay something that is paid in advance or has a known set cost and then cancel.

huskypuppy14 · March 2015

I personally think the shuttle is a gray area. A shuttle is a fixed price I assume? So it shouldn't matter how many people go, it's the same price. So 70 x 17= $1190. That's pretty pricey in my opinion. If only 10 people could go from the beginning, then each person would have to pay more anyway. Now if it's based on per person, than yes you absolutely should pay.

For tickets that were bought ahead of time, you absolutely should pay even if you can't go.

Food costs for the weekend, no you shouldn't have to pay for if you can't attend.

I think the reason you can't go is irrelevant.

The BM planning everything sounds like a bitch though.

yogablossom · March 2015

Thanks for all your insights! It's really appreciated!

Yes, the shuttle was a fixed price and depending on how many people could go, the price per person differed.

I did not CC the bride on this, only because I felt that this was between the bridesmaid and me. I did however, fwd the whole thing to the MOH because she too, had been having a hard time with this particular bridesmaid being aggressive and such. I just wanted her opinion on the matter, since she is my cousin, too.

The thing about the bus though, they said they preferred the money in advance, but if you couldn't pay in advance, they wanted cash the night of, so I was curious as to why it was such a big deal for me to pay at all since it wasn't a "pay in advance" thing.

But I guess it's all water under the bridge now! Thank you ladies again for letting me pick your brains!

indianaalum · March 2015

well, if you had originally"committed" money voluntarily, I do think you should still pay. What if they cannot afford to do the event now and needs to be canceled. How would you feel?

I get it wasn't your fault, but it's also not their fault, so why should they get stuck paying more if you had committed the money?!?

With that, she should not have been rude and that is wrong of her, but in the end of the day, if you love the bride and don't want her to be hurt, I would suck it up and pay, personally

indianaalum · March 2015

yogablossom said:
I agree and understand about cancelling at the last minute--what is the etiquette for that though? What constitutes "last minute"? I gave her a week. So 1 week is still considered last minute, correct? Also, does reason factor in as well?

Playing Devil's Advocate here--Would the answer be different if someone had to cancel last minute because they were in a car crash and in the hospital? Or if a dear relative died and they needed to fly out for a funeral? Would that person still be required to pay?

For example, I do have some friends who are on very very tight budgets who would probably have committed to an event like this with the knowledge that they'd be saving over time for it, and if something horrible happened where they needed to dip into that party bus fund, they'd have to because there was literally no money to be had. Do those people still have to pay? I am certain there are a ton of various circumstances. Or does circumstance not matter? I promise I am not being an ass here, I did pay (my reason for not being able to attend was far from catastrophic, more irritating than anything), and I am glad I did pay, but I am legitimately curious as to what you all think, mostly because I want to make sure I don't behave inappropriately in the future, and in case any one else comes into a situation like this, they know, too.

Thanks for the honesty! This is a hard pill to swallow--mostly because I did NOT want to cancel on them. This whole situation is incredibly frustrating.

I think "last minute" is anytime after you committed to resources and the resources were booked without an ability for "refund" or without others losing out money/having to change the plan.

does that make sense?

Also, You didn't have a relative DIE or get in the hospital, so not really the same thing.

with that said, I would hope the others would have compassion and not ask the person to pay who was in the hospital...however, I would ALWAYS volunteer to pay for something if I had committed to paying for it originally. now whether or not the others accepted my money, would be up to them

indianaalum · March 2015

JellyBean52513 said:
I would also have paid if I were in your shoes. I would feel badly that everyone was counting on me and I was suddenly unable to attend, especially if I agreed way back in the beginning that I was ok with paying for my share of the cost.

I might, however, handle her rude email as a separate manner. Maybe I show my cousin the emails and let her know that her friend is a completely douchebag. Perhaps I might BCC the bride on my reply and state "Please do not cause a scene at my cousin's bridal shower over $70. You will get your money." Or, maybe I'll do that and CC her openly. Or maybe I wait until the shower when we're all gathered in a group, and say "Oh, before I forget and before you cause a scene like you threatened me with, here's the $70 for bach party. Sorry again I can't make it, I'm still so pissed that the scheduler put me on when I requested off way in advance." This all depends on how much of a jerk she really was and how much of an asshole I could actually bring myself to be in retaliation. Being the bigger person is ALWAYS a great option, of course lol

If you did this, you would be just as bad as the person threatening the action. You would be creating unncessary drama on the bride at her shower...bad bad bad

indianaalum · March 2015

huskypuppy14 said:
I personally think the shuttle is a gray area. A shuttle is a fixed price I assume? So it shouldn't matter how many people go, it's the same price. So 70 x 17= $1190. That's pretty pricey in my opinion. If only 10 people could go from the beginning, then each person would have to pay more anyway. Now if it's based on per person, than yes you absolutely should pay.

For tickets that were bought ahead of time, you absolutely should pay even if you can't go.

Food costs for the weekend, no you shouldn't have to pay for if you can't attend.

I think the reason you can't go is irrelevant.

The BM planning everything sounds like a bitch though.

I disagree and this is why.

If the "host" said "how many people want to do this?" and then others agreed to the price once they knew how many/cost, that could potentially throw EVERYONE off is someone bailed.

For example, say it was 1000 and 10 people agreed, so people all agree to pay 100.00

then, suddenly 5 people cancel, and the remainder of the 5 people have to pay 200.00. Is THAT FAIR??!? no, not at all. Because those 5 people might not have agreed in the first place to that cost.

why should THOSE people get stuck paying??

Moral of the story: get money upfront and then book something non-refundable like this

huskypuppy14 · March 2015

indianaalum said:

huskypuppy14 said:
I personally think the shuttle is a gray area. A shuttle is a fixed price I assume? So it shouldn't matter how many people go, it's the same price. So 70 x 17= $1190. That's pretty pricey in my opinion. If only 10 people could go from the beginning, then each person would have to pay more anyway. Now if it's based on per person, than yes you absolutely should pay.

For tickets that were bought ahead of time, you absolutely should pay even if you can't go.

Food costs for the weekend, no you shouldn't have to pay for if you can't attend.

I think the reason you can't go is irrelevant.

The BM planning everything sounds like a bitch though.
I disagree and this is why.

If the "host" said "how many people want to do this?" and then others agreed to the price once they knew how many/cost, that could potentially throw EVERYONE off is someone bailed.

For example, say it was 1000 and 10 people agreed, so people all agree to pay 100.00

then, suddenly 5 people cancel, and the remainder of the 5 people have to pay 200.00. Is THAT FAIR??!? no, not at all. Because those 5 people might not have agreed in the first place to that cost.

why should THOSE people get stuck paying??

Moral of the story: get money upfront and then book something non-refundable like this

That's why I said it was a gray area. And personally, if I were hosting/planning the bachelorette party, I would not get a party bus unless I could afford it myself, because of these type of situations. I agree it's not fair to the other guests to have pay extra. I think the planner should pay the extra money, because she coordinated it.

I also think if you have a job, where you aren't 100 percent sure you can get a weekend off, you should say that in the beginning.

In my job, I can take any time off I need. My husband has a job where there needs to be someone there, so if someone can't work his shift, he has to work. He knows this, and doesn't commit to things unless he's sure he can get it off. Sometimes this means he needs to take a whole week off (like he did for our wedding) so he's sure to get it off. If he says he just wants a random Saturday off, he needs to wait until the schedule comes out.

groomguy87 · March 2015

In my opinion, since you notified everyone so close to the event that you couldnt make it, you should at least pay for your portion of any non-refundable deposits such as a hotel room, ticket, etc.

SP29 · March 2015

I agree that it is a case-by-case situation, but essentially, if you (royal you) confirmed you would attend and agreed to a cost, and then cancelled, you should pay that cost still.

True, sh*t happens, but it's also not fair to the other guests to increase their bill when they didn't agree to that.

I agree that once the confirmation has been made, any cancellation after that would be "last minute". Of course if nothing has been booked, then you're off the hook, but once a deposit or payment is made, everyone has agreed to pay X amount.

(I also agree this is another reason why I dislike crazy B parties. Too much stuff can change, people get stuck paying too much for stuff they don't want).

Fran1985 · March 2015

yogablossom said:
Thanks for all your insights! It's really appreciated!

Yes, the shuttle was a fixed price and depending on how many people could go, the price per person differed.

I did not CC the bride on this, only because I felt that this was between the bridesmaid and me. I did however, fwd the whole thing to the MOH because she too, had been having a hard time with this particular bridesmaid being aggressive and such. I just wanted her opinion on the matter, since she is my cousin, too.

The thing about the bus though, they said they preferred the money in advance, but if you couldn't pay in advance, they wanted cash the night of, so I was curious as to why it was such a big deal for me to pay at all since it wasn't a "pay in advance" thing.

But I guess it's all water under the bridge now! Thank you ladies again for letting me pick your brains!

Because one of them put it on their credit card. You bailing means they have to pay extra.

I don't see this as grey area at all. If everyone agrees to split the cost of something and then you can't make it, you still owe your portion for the hotel room, shuttle bus, etc. To me it doesn't change no matter what the reason- even if there is a death or emergency, its still what should be done. Of course no one is going to chase after you if the reason is because there was a death in the family, but of course you should pay if it means that because you bailed someone had to pay your share. Why should it be on all the other bridesmaids instead of you?

VerizonGirl · March 2015

Totally agree with this:
I don't see this as grey area at all. If everyone agrees to split the
cost of something and then you can't make it, you still owe your portion
for the hotel room, shuttle bus, etc. To me it doesn't change no matter
what the reason- even if there is a death or emergency, its still what
should be done.

poodledoodleooo · March 2015

This situation happened to me, but I was the organizer. We all agreed to spend $40 for a hotel room, when one girl decided, on the day of, that she no longer wanted spend the night in the hotel room.

I, as the organizer, ate the costs, but the lack of respect she showed (along with being disrespectful in a few other instances) basically ended our friendship. So yeah, not paying in your situation would be rude as hell.

ETA: The bridesmaid dealt with this very rudely as well, however.

[Deleted User] · March 2015

I am dittoing PPs on this. From what you said, OP, you verbally agreed to do this, so any time after the deposit was paid is "last minute." When booking services like shuttle buses, you pay at least a portion upfront. I would guess the coordinator did this with the expectation that those who said they would attend would reimburse him/her.

For example, say you wanted to rent a beach house with 3 friends and it was $1,200 for a week. You tell your 3 friends "Friends, this beach house is $300 per person if all 4 of us want to rent it." Friends say yes, and you pay for the beach house on your credit card and tell your friends to please pay you their portion ASAP. Even if Friend #1 tells you a week after you booked the house, or a week before the trip, you have still already paid up front. This will then increase everyone's cost if Friend #1 does not pay for his/her part. It is not a gray area, because Friend #1 is inconveniencing you and your other friends by not paying for the portion that he/she verbally agreed to pay.

Is it unfortunate? Yes. Does it suck that Friend #1 is obligated to pay when he/she agreed to go? Yes. But that is what happens when you decide to book group experiences.

OP, I think you are doing both the etiquette-approved correct thing, and the morally/socially right thing by paying your portion. Could you just back out and not pay? Sure, but if I was one of the people also involved, I would be royally pissed if I had to cover your costs.

JellyBean52513 · March 2015

indianaalum said:
I would also have paid if I were in your shoes. I would feel badly that everyone was counting on me and I was suddenly unable to attend, especially if I agreed way back in the beginning that I was ok with paying for my share of the cost.

I might, however, handle her rude email as a separate manner. Maybe I show my cousin the emails and let her know that her friend is a completely douchebag. Perhaps I might BCC the bride on my reply and state "Please do not cause a scene at my cousin's bridal shower over $70. You will get your money." Or, maybe I'll do that and CC her openly. Or maybe I wait until the shower when we're all gathered in a group, and say "Oh, before I forget and before you cause a scene like you threatened me with, here's the $70 for bach party. Sorry again I can't make it, I'm still so pissed that the scheduler put me on when I requested off way in advance." This all depends on how much of a jerk she really was and how much of an asshole I could actually bring myself to be in retaliation. Being the bigger person is ALWAYS a great option, of course lol

If you did this, you would be just as bad as the person threatening the action. You would be creating unncessary drama on the bride at her shower...bad bad bad

You are 100% correct. And I probably wouldn't do it. I'm a bigger bitch in my head than I will actually act.

MGP · March 2015

There are a few universal truths with bachelorette parties:

1. Everything will cost more than you think.

2. Someone will not pay their fair share.

3. People are bound to drop out.

As a guest - you should plan on paying what you agreed to, even if you have to cancel.

As a host - while a guest that cancels SHOULD pay it doesn't mean they WILL so be prepared to eat that cost. It's not fair to you, but even more unfair to invoice others (who you probably don't know well or at all) as a result of your poor planning.

Bottom line is - plan something affordable that doesn't require a bazillion people to contribute to make it affordable. A few people canceling on dinner will make no difference. A few people canceling on a non refundable hotel suite, limo, pole dancing class, and pre paid bottle service is costly, inconvenient, and rude to the people who actually show up.

What Would You Do?

Re: What Would You Do?

Choose Another Board

Search Boards