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Swapping?

bride2b71614bride2b71614 member
5 Love Its First Comment First Anniversary Name Dropper
edited March 2015 in Wedding Etiquette Forum
So I ran into an interesting scenario. We have a family friend with a 20 year old daughter who I used to be friends with (she is the type of person who only contacts you when she needs something, or asks your advice but doesn't follow it, etc.). My FI and I are closer to her parents so we decided to invite them and kept her name off the envelope.

Her parents received the save the dates today. I get an angry Facebook message demanding to know why she isn't invited (our wedding is this October and it's not even the invite!). I bean dipped her, but out of nowhere she goes "well my mom said my dad won't go and I'll go in his place!"

I really don't want this to happen. So when the invitations are actually sent out and I keep her name off them, is there a tactful way to prevent a switch aroo from happening, or would it be similar to parents RSVPing for their uninvited children?
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Re: Swapping?

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    novella1186novella1186 member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    All you can do is address the invite properly. If miss uninvited daughter is rude enough to RSVP that she's coming, having not received an invite, or the wife adds daughter in place of husband, you're just gonna have to make that awkward (but polite, and honest) phone call. It sucks, but some people are just rude and take it to that level.
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    novella1186novella1186 member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    Oh and I'll also say that there are rare instances where bean dipping will not suffice, and it may actually be necessary to say, "I'm sorry but we were not able to invite you." Sometimes being that straight-forward is the only way to go. Especially with crazy/rude/persistent people.
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    SP29SP29 member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    Technically, if you address the invite to Mr. and Mrs. John Doe, guests cannot be "swapped".

    That doesn't mean they won't RSVP for mom and crazy girl though- in that case you'll have to call the mom and be clear "I am sorry but the invite was only for you and your husband". 
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    JoanE2012JoanE2012 member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    And be prepared for a last minute switcheroo that you don't know about until the day.  And if this happens, just let it go....you'll be so busy and occupied that you probably won't even notice her!
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    jacques27jacques27 member
    First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its Name Dropper

    In addition to the above and being direct, you should also be prepared that they could RSVP for the wife and husband and still switch out the husband at the last minute and you don't find out until they are actually there. 

    And yes, technically, invites addressed to specific people are not transferable.  But there are plenty of people out there who either don't realize that or think that it doesn't matter so long as it's the same number of people you originally invited.  And there are just as many people hosting events who also don't care.  I personally fall in that camp - if I already budgeted for two people and person X's significant other is busy that day, it's no skin off my nose if they want to bring their BFF or another family member instead if it makes them comfortable.

    The point is, it could happen, so I would try to get comfortable with the idea that you can't control other people, only your response to them.  The reasons you listed for not inviting her aren't that egregious (yeah, she sounds selfish and immature, but has she really done anything that makes her a danger to yourself or others?).  In reality you'll probably spend all of five minutes total with her, if that (receiving line and/or table visits) and you'll be too busy to notice the rest of the time.  So, plan to be direct if the situation comes to a head prior to the wedding day, but prepare yourself to be surprised by a last-minute-switcheroo and let it roll off your back.

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    kvrunskvruns member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its First Answer
    I wouldn't sweat it. If they rsvp for 2 and it ends up being daughter instead of dad I'd just roll with it. I will never understand the idea of yelling at someone for not inviting you, so I get u not wanting to deal with her especially now but I'd just let it go
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    bride2b71614bride2b71614 member
    5 Love Its First Comment First Anniversary Name Dropper
    is it rude to give security her picture? I get that it shouldn't matter, but she has a tendency to be vindictive, violent and highly unpredictable.
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    KatWAGKatWAG member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    bride2b71614 said:

    is it rude to give security her picture? I get that it shouldn't matter, but she has a tendency to be vindictive, violent and highly unpredictable.

    Rude, no, she is an uninvited guest who has no business being there. But it is extreme. 
    BabyFruit Ticker
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    AddieCakeAddieCake member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    Honestly, I would let it go. Unless she has a history of public violence or outrageous behavior, you will barely notice her there, so who cares?
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
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    jacques27jacques27 member
    First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    bride2b71614 said:

    is it rude to give security her picture? I get that it shouldn't matter, but she has a tendency to be vindictive, violent and highly unpredictable.



    How did she go from being the type who only contacts you if they want something or asks advice but doesn't take it to suddenly being "vindictive, violent, and highly unpredictable"?  One would think that would have taken higher priority in describing the situation in your original post.  And she wasn't vindictive, violent, or highly unpredictable enough to not be facebook friends with her anymore?

    And you're still friends with the parents, so if she really truly were "vindictive, violent, and highly unpredictable" you believe these people who you've remained close with would 1) really bring this person and 2) be ok with this person acting like this at a wedding reception?  Are these people you would like to remain close with?  Because I can see how barring her entry by giving her picture to security is going to effectively end that friendship with the parents.

    If you want to give a tip off to security that if this person (or any person) gets out of control to the point that they are a danger to themselves or others, they are free to escort that person off the premises, but anything other than that you're probably guaranteeing that you're ending your relationship with the parents.

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    bride2b71614bride2b71614 member
    5 Love Its First Comment First Anniversary Name Dropper
    Thank you for your advice! Stepping back from this, rereading your responses and my responses I do realize that I am over reacting. I should've clarified the violence thing.  She attended a four year boarding school program  that addresses diagnoses and behaviors from anorexia to violence (her case, physical altercations, a few assault charges and several psychiatric hospitalizations), that cannot be treated in a traditional outpatient therapy setting. Throughout her stay, my family provided her family with emotional support and we would go out to dinner frequently. 

    Back to the point: If I am still concerned by the time the wedding rolls around, I will take the appropriate precautions. As for the whole security thing, you are right @jacques27, I shouldn't single her out, but make it generalizable to everyone. Whatever happens will happen, and if she shows up, while its not ideal, I don't have to make it a bigger deal than it has to be. 
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    Lissa1213Lissa1213 member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its Name Dropper

    Sorry, might be highjacking here, but what is "Bean Dipped"?

    I think I have a clue but I'm curious.

     

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    LondonLisaLondonLisa member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    Lissa1213 said:

    Sorry, might be highjacking here, but what is "Bean Dipped"?

    I think I have a clue but I'm curious.

    Its when you keep changing the subject to shut down repetitive discussions. Such as:

    A: I'm invited to your wedding, right?
    B: Unfortunately we couldn't invite everyone we wanted. I hope you understand. Have you tried the bean dip?
    A: But I should be allowed to be there! Why don't you let me come during the dancing portion
    B: Sorry, but we are unable to accommodate you.  This bean dip is delicious. I think they used three different types of beans. You should try it. 
    A: But wahhhh!!!!111eveventy
    B: I'm going to ask the host for the recipe for this bean dip- it is so good. 
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    loveislouderloveislouder member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    We had an RSVP like this. FMIL's best friends responded saying their daughter and boyfriend, both of whom we've never met, would be coming instead of them. We figured we'd let it go because it's going ot be wayyyy more awkward for the daughter than us because they won't know anybody.

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    [Deleted User][Deleted User] member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    loveislouder said:

    We had an RSVP like this. FMIL's best friends responded saying their daughter and boyfriend, both of whom we've never met, would be coming instead of them. We figured we'd let it go because it's going ot be wayyyy more awkward for the daughter than us because they won't know anybody.

    My mom tried doing this, as in, inviting me and FH to attend in her and dad's place.  "J and D would love to see you!"  Yes, but if they Wanted to see us, they would have invited us.  No.
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    anjemonanjemon member
    5 Love Its First Anniversary First Comment Name Dropper
    loveislouder said:

    We had an RSVP like this. FMIL's best friends responded saying their daughter and boyfriend, both of whom we've never met, would be coming instead of them. We figured we'd let it go because it's going ot be wayyyy more awkward for the daughter than us because they won't know anybody.

    So far we've had one person do this - apparently his wife is going to stay home with the kids and he and a cousin are going to come instead. I decided not to care because I'm just glad he is coming. They're FI's college friends and have been terrible at reciprocating any visits, even after multiple invitations.

    The other thing I'm dealing with is people adding their own plus one's. With the other option being my Mom wrote "and guest" on the invitations and didn't add them to my spreadsheet. Both are possible options, so I'm not sure. But we've had enough declines that it doesn't throw off my numbers and I'm allowing them.
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