Half sister at wedding

banana468 · April 2015

missglitter89 said:

MrsMack10612 said:

lightningsnow said:
I agree with PPs in that if you don't want to invite her, you don't have to.

I also agree with one PP in regards to the comment you made about how you should care about her. Of course you should care about her. She is your sibling. Maybe because I grew up very differently I just don't understand the thought process of well it's my half sibling so I'm only going to treat them like a sibling half way.

I have four older brothers. All of them are technically my half siblings. But regardless of circumstances in our parents lives, I'm always going to treat them like full siblings.

I do understand if there are extreme circumstances and that not everyone thinks the way I do about this. Just how I was raised.

It's sometimes very complicated. My parents have been divorced for 30 years, my father remarried as soon as the ink was dry. He and his wife had 3 children. Sure, technically they are my siblings but they are strangers to me. There are 12 years between me and the oldest of them. I was not raised with them, I was not invited to birthdays, graduations, holidays with them. They are my father's children. There is a lot of baggage. My father passed away a week ago, over the course of the 6 months of his illness, we got to know each other better, but I still don't call them my sisters & brother. I have no bond with them in a sibling way that I have with my siblings. It's not to be cold or cruel. I have spent 30 years NOT thinking of them that way. I cannot change in 6 months.
If the OP is just starting to have a relationship with her father after many years, I can understand her statement of realizing she should care about this little kid.
ETA - I realized I quoted the wrong poster - this was meant for @mikenberger

Thank you.

Some people don't seem to understand that just because their a step-sibling that they are automatically someone you care about, like as much as a "regular" sibling (idk how to say that any other way). My parents have only been divorced for 5 years so its still very touchy. He didn't even tell me and my sister that he was dating anyone, he just said one day that he had remarried and expected us to be happy. This is why it is a more complicated situation and the reason that I started this in the first place.

One other word of caution on excluding her - I understand that blood doesn't make you family but you're the adult here and she's just a child. She didn't ask to be born or to be the young child from your dad's second marriage. She's the product of dad's new relationship. And unless she's actually DOING things that are bratty / manipulative / all around snotty, I wouldn't write her off because dad didn't tell you what he was doing.

That's up there with people who punish kids born out of wedlock. What does that accomplish? The one person who shouldn't be 'punished' in this scenario is the kid.

MrsMack10612 · April 2015

@lighteningsnow - you are missing some of the point. The debate is not about treating half/step/full siblings differently from one another.

The point is that the OP has little to no relationship with child, but is realizing that she should and treat her as a sibling and is working on that.

It doesn't have to do with how your were raised - it has to do with who you were raised with and the relationship that does or does not exist due to whatever circumstance.

@banana468 - you make excellent point. I did not invite my father's children to my wedding, not out of punishment but they are all adults and, as I stated, pretty much strangers to me.

banana468 · April 2015

I think there's a big difference between not inviting half siblings who are adults vs. when they're children. And the OP *can* have an adults only wedding but in this instance, it's not a hill I'd die on. While wedding's aren't really a way to make you closer to someone, they sure as hell are a way to make a strained relationship nonexistent. If the OP is going to not have a relationship with this little girl, it makes me sad to think that it would be over her wedding.

hyechica81 · April 2015

whats the big deal with inviting her if you have her at the ceremony she needs to be at the reception no if ands or buts no one will question you why there child was not invited everyone will know she is your sibling.

i think if you dont invite her to your wedding your father might have hurt feelings

missglitter89 · April 2015

banana468 said:

missglitter89 said:

MrsMack10612 said:

lightningsnow said:
I agree with PPs in that if you don't want to invite her, you don't have to.

I also agree with one PP in regards to the comment you made about how you should care about her. Of course you should care about her. She is your sibling. Maybe because I grew up very differently I just don't understand the thought process of well it's my half sibling so I'm only going to treat them like a sibling half way.

I have four older brothers. All of them are technically my half siblings. But regardless of circumstances in our parents lives, I'm always going to treat them like full siblings.

I do understand if there are extreme circumstances and that not everyone thinks the way I do about this. Just how I was raised.

It's sometimes very complicated. My parents have been divorced for 30 years, my father remarried as soon as the ink was dry. He and his wife had 3 children. Sure, technically they are my siblings but they are strangers to me. There are 12 years between me and the oldest of them. I was not raised with them, I was not invited to birthdays, graduations, holidays with them. They are my father's children. There is a lot of baggage. My father passed away a week ago, over the course of the 6 months of his illness, we got to know each other better, but I still don't call them my sisters & brother. I have no bond with them in a sibling way that I have with my siblings. It's not to be cold or cruel. I have spent 30 years NOT thinking of them that way. I cannot change in 6 months.
If the OP is just starting to have a relationship with her father after many years, I can understand her statement of realizing she should care about this little kid.
ETA - I realized I quoted the wrong poster - this was meant for @mikenberger

Thank you.

Some people don't seem to understand that just because their a step-sibling that they are automatically someone you care about, like as much as a "regular" sibling (idk how to say that any other way). My parents have only been divorced for 5 years so its still very touchy. He didn't even tell me and my sister that he was dating anyone, he just said one day that he had remarried and expected us to be happy. This is why it is a more complicated situation and the reason that I started this in the first place.
One other word of caution on excluding her - I understand that blood doesn't make you family but you're the adult here and she's just a child. She didn't ask to be born or to be the young child from your dad's second marriage. She's the product of dad's new relationship. And unless she's actually DOING things that are bratty / manipulative / all around snotty, I wouldn't write her off because dad didn't tell you what he was doing.

That's up there with people who punish kids born out of wedlock. What does that accomplish? The one person who shouldn't be 'punished' in this scenario is the kid.

I'm not punishing her by not inviting her. She's young I think she wouldn't even notice if she was excluded.

missglitter89 · April 2015

banana468 said:
I think there's a big difference between not inviting half siblings who are adults vs. when they're children. And the OP *can* have an adults only wedding but in this instance, it's not a hill I'd die on. While wedding's aren't really a way to make you closer to someone, they sure as hell are a way to make a strained relationship nonexistent. If the OP is going to not have a relationship with this little girl, it makes me sad to think that it would be over her wedding.

I didn't say that I wouldn't have a relationship with her. This has nothing to do with that.

southernbelle0915 · April 2015

The family baggage is kind of a red herring in all this.

The 5 year old does not need to be invited. You aren't inviting ANYONE under the age of 18, so it's not like this is some spiteful thing. It's simply the style of wedding you're hosting. I had an adult only wedding too and did not make exceptions for anyone. It's within etiquette to have an adult only wedding.

However, not being invited means she's not invited to the WHOLE thing. So inviting her to only the ceremony (and not the reception) is not only bad etiquette, but it's logistically difficult for the parents. They'd probably just push for her to attend the reception, making the situation more complicated and stressful for you. Do not recommend that approach. You should go for all or nothing.

Banana has a point about dying on this hill, though. Sometimes "just because you can" within good etiquette doesn't mean it's the best choice for your situation. Sure, you're in the etiquette clear by not inviting her. No problem. But if it will create a ripple effect of broken relationships and drama, it may not be worth it. Only you can really answer that for your situation.

banana468 · April 2015

missglitter89 said:

banana468 said:

missglitter89 said:

MrsMack10612 said:

lightningsnow said:
I agree with PPs in that if you don't want to invite her, you don't have to.

I also agree with one PP in regards to the comment you made about how you should care about her. Of course you should care about her. She is your sibling. Maybe because I grew up very differently I just don't understand the thought process of well it's my half sibling so I'm only going to treat them like a sibling half way.

I have four older brothers. All of them are technically my half siblings. But regardless of circumstances in our parents lives, I'm always going to treat them like full siblings.

I do understand if there are extreme circumstances and that not everyone thinks the way I do about this. Just how I was raised.

It's sometimes very complicated. My parents have been divorced for 30 years, my father remarried as soon as the ink was dry. He and his wife had 3 children. Sure, technically they are my siblings but they are strangers to me. There are 12 years between me and the oldest of them. I was not raised with them, I was not invited to birthdays, graduations, holidays with them. They are my father's children. There is a lot of baggage. My father passed away a week ago, over the course of the 6 months of his illness, we got to know each other better, but I still don't call them my sisters & brother. I have no bond with them in a sibling way that I have with my siblings. It's not to be cold or cruel. I have spent 30 years NOT thinking of them that way. I cannot change in 6 months.
If the OP is just starting to have a relationship with her father after many years, I can understand her statement of realizing she should care about this little kid.
ETA - I realized I quoted the wrong poster - this was meant for @mikenberger

Thank you.

Some people don't seem to understand that just because their a step-sibling that they are automatically someone you care about, like as much as a "regular" sibling (idk how to say that any other way). My parents have only been divorced for 5 years so its still very touchy. He didn't even tell me and my sister that he was dating anyone, he just said one day that he had remarried and expected us to be happy. This is why it is a more complicated situation and the reason that I started this in the first place.
One other word of caution on excluding her - I understand that blood doesn't make you family but you're the adult here and she's just a child. She didn't ask to be born or to be the young child from your dad's second marriage. She's the product of dad's new relationship. And unless she's actually DOING things that are bratty / manipulative / all around snotty, I wouldn't write her off because dad didn't tell you what he was doing.

That's up there with people who punish kids born out of wedlock. What does that accomplish? The one person who shouldn't be 'punished' in this scenario is the kid.
I'm not punishing her by not inviting her. She's young I think she wouldn't even notice if she was excluded.

That all depends on what her parents are telling her. My 4 yo would know if i talked up something and then it didn't pan out. And in this scenario, i guarantee that you'll be made out to be the bad one even if thats not right.

badbnagdway · April 2015

lightningsnow said:

huskypuppy14 said:
Those saying a step sibling and a half sibling are so different, why? Because one is related to you by blood? Some people are super close to their step siblings and some people (like Novella) are not close at all to their full blooded siblings.

And what about adopted children/siblings. Are you not as close to an adopted sibling because you don't share blood.

My point is, family is not just who you are related to by blood, and just because you are related doesn't mean you're family. It seems the OP is not close to her little sister, and whether or not she shares DNA with this kid doesn't matter.

It seems the child is no different than mikenberger step siblings. They didn't grow up together, and assuming the OP is at least 20, then the age difference is actually greater than mikenberger and her step siblings.
Answering based on my own experience, the way I was raised a sibling is a sibling regardless if they were full, half or even step. My mother has three sons from her first marriage and my father has one son from his first marriage. All four of them consider each other brothers even though technically they are step brothers. The same goes for me considering them my brothers when they are all technically my half brothers.

My mother's side of the family considers my dad's son a member of their family and my father's side of the family considers my mom's sons as members of their family.

BF's SIL said up and down from the moment his family met her that she didn't have any siblings. Then the day of their engagement party she introduced her half sister. His family was thrown off by it because while they are a family where it was a bit unheard of to have half siblings or such, it didn't mean that they were ignorant of the practice. It confused his family greatly for this woman to say she had no siblings but then introduce her half sister.

As I stated in my original reply, I'm aware the way I was raised is not typical nor would I think it would be. Just offering a different side to the story.

It's not the label - step, full, half sibling that defines the relationship is the thing. I have a full sister, two half-sisters and two step-sisters. Our closeness or lack of closeness have to do with events in our lives and the time we have or have not spent with each other. If someone does not have the opportunity to have a relationship with a sibling, no matter the technical relationship, they are not going to be close. This can happen even between full siblings. At the same time, my FI's step-mom thinks of him as her son (even though FI's dad passed away years ago, they still have a mother-son relationship). This seemed strange to me because I do not think my step-parents think of me that way. But it is their relationship and interactions that have defined things between them and the fact that my FI spent a lot of formative years living with his step-mom.

Anyway, on the OP, don't invite her to just one of the events.

MrsMack10612 · April 2015

@banana468 - it doesn't even have to be a little kid. My dad & his wife talked up my wedding to their adult children and they were disappointed that they weren't invited.

Of course, his wife backed out day of and he brought their oldest daughter.

banana468 · April 2015

MrsMack10612 said:
@banana468 - it doesn't even have to be a little kid. My dad & his wife talked up my wedding to their adult children and they were disappointed that they weren't invited.

Of course, his wife backed out day of and he brought their oldest daughter.

My point is that at the age of 4, we can't assume that she lacks the understanding. My 4 year old will remember the things that are repeated to her and if this girl's parents are mentioning "big sister's wedding" then she's probably going to be sad if she doesn't wind up invited to it. Big sister can do what she wants but for ONE person, I'd suck it up.

missglitter89 · April 2015

banana468 said:

MrsMack10612 said:
@banana468 - it doesn't even have to be a little kid. My dad & his wife talked up my wedding to their adult children and they were disappointed that they weren't invited.

Of course, his wife backed out day of and he brought their oldest daughter.
My point is that at the age of 4, we can't assume that she lacks the understanding. My 4 year old will remember the things that are repeated to her and if this girl's parents are mentioning "big sister's wedding" then she's probably going to be sad if she doesn't wind up invited to it. Big sister can do what she wants but for ONE person, I'd suck it up.

I was in my Aunt's wedding at age 7, I don't remember anything about it. If I hadn't been in it I wouldn't even have cared because you don't remember much at that young anyway.

I shouldn't have to "suck it up" for one person. Especially if that one person is a child.

mikenberger · April 2015

missglitter89 said:

banana468 said:

MrsMack10612 said:
@banana468 - it doesn't even have to be a little kid. My dad & his wife talked up my wedding to their adult children and they were disappointed that they weren't invited.

Of course, his wife backed out day of and he brought their oldest daughter.
My point is that at the age of 4, we can't assume that she lacks the understanding. My 4 year old will remember the things that are repeated to her and if this girl's parents are mentioning "big sister's wedding" then she's probably going to be sad if she doesn't wind up invited to it. Big sister can do what she wants but for ONE person, I'd suck it up.
I was in my Aunt's wedding at age 7, I don't remember anything about it. If I hadn't been in it I wouldn't even have cared because you don't remember much at that young anyway.

I shouldn't have to "suck it up" for one person. Especially if that one person is a child.

I don't believe anybody told you you needed to suck it up. We've all pretty much told you, you don't have to invite her since you're having a child free wedding. You can ultimately choose what children, if any, are present on the day of your wedding.

The caveat is: If you're attempting to better/renew the relationship with your father and, ergo, your sister, you should probably invite her. It would be a lovely sentiment. (Which, I believe is the point myself and Banana would tell you to "suck it up.")

But no, you absolutely do not have to invite her.

MrsMack10612 · April 2015

banana468 said:

MrsMack10612 said:
@banana468 - it doesn't even have to be a little kid. My dad & his wife talked up my wedding to their adult children and they were disappointed that they weren't invited.

Of course, his wife backed out day of and he brought their oldest daughter.
My point is that at the age of 4, we can't assume that she lacks the understanding. My 4 year old will remember the things that are repeated to her and if this girl's parents are mentioning "big sister's wedding" then she's probably going to be sad if she doesn't wind up invited to it. Big sister can do what she wants but for ONE person, I'd suck it up.

I guess that came out wrong - I was trying to agree with you

@missglitter89 - After what I've been through the last through months with my father's illness and now his death, there are some things worth sucking up for the sake of family harmony.

redoryx · April 2015

missglitter89 said:

banana468 said:

MrsMack10612 said:
@banana468 - it doesn't even have to be a little kid. My dad & his wife talked up my wedding to their adult children and they were disappointed that they weren't invited.

Of course, his wife backed out day of and he brought their oldest daughter.
My point is that at the age of 4, we can't assume that she lacks the understanding. My 4 year old will remember the things that are repeated to her and if this girl's parents are mentioning "big sister's wedding" then she's probably going to be sad if she doesn't wind up invited to it. Big sister can do what she wants but for ONE person, I'd suck it up.
I was in my Aunt's wedding at age 7, I don't remember anything about it. If I hadn't been in it I wouldn't even have cared because you don't remember much at that young anyway.

I shouldn't have to "suck it up" for one person. Especially if that one person is a child.

We all have told you that you are well within your rights to not invite her. You are allowed to have a child-free wedding and not invite your half-sister.

That being said, there might very well be repercussions and telling you to "suck it up" for one person is perhaps not the right sentiment we are trying to convey. Maybe it's more "reconsider the bigger picture of what not inviting her might mean, especially since it is only one person (and a child, at that)."

missglitter89 · April 2015

Ok, if I was to invite her to both, she would be the only child there. She would have nothing to do and no-one to play with. Which would leave her mother to be in charge of watching her (this is how my dad is, he gets to have the fun while the mother watches the children; also please don't start anything else now about this), and this is something I do not see fair to the mother to have to do and miss out on everything else. It doesn't matter that shes my sibling, she is a child and I don't want children at the reception. My initial question was about if there was a way for her to be only at the ceremony. Which, thanks to all the advice, I know now is something I shouldn't do.

Ok, thank you to all the people who gave me good advice. I have made my decision on this and am not inviting her.

banana468 · April 2015

That's fine. You are OK not inviting her but you should make this known now. It's probably going to come with hurt feelings but letting them know now reduces the feeling that you ate leading them on. The sister is less likely to be disappointed if they stop talking this up.

I'll tell you two stories: I was my aunt's flower girl when I was 2 weeks from my 7th birthday and I remember being so excited about my bouquet and eating chocolate mousse that was bigger than my head. It was one of the highlights of my childhood

My MIL promised DD special noodles for Easter dinner and she told her on Saturday that they'd be with her on Sunday. On Sunday, DD talked about her special noodles and was absolutely crestfallen when they were forgotten.

missglitter89 · April 2015

@banana468 Part of my issue is that when I told my dad I was engaged I also told him that there would be no kids invited. He whined a little bit but said that it was my choice, which it is. So he has been talking to her about it anyway. I have since said I would think about it; up until the past week where I decided for sure against it. So another problem I have is telling him my final decision to not invite her. Any advice on how to do that would help; if you read previous posts you'll see we aren't close. Which makes it hard for me to talk to him.

I get your stories, thanks. I was also a flower girl at 7, I hated it and didn't want to do it but I was forced to. But the second one doesn't seem to fit here exactly because that is 1 day apart from learning about something. Not in this circumstance where it is over a year away. But thanks for them anyway.

banana468 · April 2015

My point about the one day deal is to rip that band aid off now.

I'd just repeat to your dad, "Dad, please stop talking about the wedding to sis. It's an adult event and I'd hate to see you hurt her feelings when she's not invited. "

Jen4948 · April 2015

Tell your dad, "Dad, what we tell you about the wedding is not for you to share with those who are not invited, because it hurts their feelings. That includes Little Sister."

Half sister at wedding

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