Is this too sad, or weird?

[Deleted User] · October 2014

One of my bridesmaids passed away. I got the idea from The Knot (which I thought was a really sweet idea at the time) to have a short, waist high column up at the front of the ceremony where Lisa would have stood with the bridesmaids. My MOH would walk down with 2 bouquets and put one on the little column for Lisa. I want one of those processional cards that tell certain pieces of information, like this on the front & back:

interesting idea for the invites or programs. of course we all know time is not really a line...

interesting idea for the invites or programs. of course we all know time is not really a line...

Love Birds Wedding Party Bridesmaids and Groomsmen Card by OneTenStationery

And have something like "In remembrance of Lisa L" (or something, not sure about the words) on the little bird that corresponds! Just enough so people aren't wondering "whats up with the bouquet & column thing?"
It's a pretty small destination wedding, so the only people in attendance are people close who knew or know that I lost a great friend and bridesmaid.

I personally, don't see it as some kind of super sad memorial service, just a spot for someone to put a bouquet that makes me feel like she's still a part of my wedding day.

Opinions?

slothiegal · October 2014

I'm sorry for you loss, but I would not do this. It seems a little morbid and not what your wedding day should focus on.

In the other thread, people gave you some other ideas--why not carry something of Lisa's in your bouquet?

[Deleted User] · October 2014

Yeah, I just didn't want to put too much into that thread and make it super long! Plus, the focus of that question is a bit different.

Maggie0829 · October 2014

I agree with PP. Your wedding day is supposed to be a happy celebratory day of you and your FI joining in marriage. To have something so prominent displayed will make everyone remember that some died, thus causing the mood to shift to that of sadness and loss rather then everyone being happy for you and your FI.

Serious question. Do you want to be so boldly reminded of your loss on your wedding day? Sure you will feel the loss of your friend, but to physically see it by having the column up where she would have stood, is a whole different ballgame.

destinationtake2 · October 2014

I am so sorry for your loss.

I honestly do feel that the column in her place is both sad and a bit weird. And it shifts the focus more than I think you would intend. But a note in the program or even having her bouquet there are nice thoughts. I think something more subtle is the best way to go.

jenijoyk · October 2014

So rough. I feel for you. I have no idea what on earth I would do if something happened to one my bridesmaids. I attended a wedding recently where the bride's sister had passed away during the wedding planning. The officiant said something very sweet and nice during the ceremony about how she was there in spirit. The MOH also talked about it during her toast. Maybe that's the way to go? I was also in another wedding where the bride's sister had very recently passed away and no one said anything about it. It made me really sad, because it was noticable in its absence, and we were all thinking about it. One of the BMs finally addressed it in a toast and it released the tension a little bit. So I see both sides of it. If it will be on everyone's mind anyway, and it sounds like it will be, it's good to address it. But you also don't want to be overly sad on what should be your happiest of days. It's a tough thing. I'm really sorry.

[Deleted User] · October 2014

That's an extremely good point... Having such a physical reminder when I walk down the aisle & see it could be a very bad idea Maggie.
That's a very good way of positioning the reality of it and I truly appreciate it.

Jen4948 · October 2014

I'm so sorry for the loss of your bridesmaid. That's very sad.

But I wouldn't have a column or other physical reminder of her passing where she would have stood. As PPs note, it just adds too strong a note of sadness, grief, and loss on what should be a happy occasion. The suggestions of a note in a program or carrying something that belonged to her sound like appropriate ways to remember her.

Aeb74 · October 2014

I attended a wedding once where both parents of the groom had passed away. They had these huge photos up them at the altar and did a whole candle thing. The groom ended up SOBBING as his bride stood there very uncomfortable and attempting to console him in the most graceful way possible.

My dad passed away and it's painful he won't be there that day. But, I'm keeping in mind the above scenario I witnessed for our ceremony.

I found a shop on ETSY that did a bridal bouquet charm with my dad's picture in it. To me, it's a little something for me to have without making others uncomfortable or me welling up that day. It's already going to be emotional enough, so why "add to it"?

I understand the bridesmaid/friend is obviously different, but just a thought. So anyway, maybe a little charm with her photo for your bouquet could work?

Aeb74 · October 2014

Oh, and by the way....my dad's best friend will be escorting me down the aisle and is planning a toast at our reception with mention of my dad. He will be remembered and acknowledged that day. Just a thought on the charm AND a special toast! Best wishes and warm thoughts; losing a friend is heart wrenching and I cannot imagine it happening at this time for you.

MissKittyDanger · January 2015

So sorry to hear about your loss!

As everyone has mentioned, it might be hard on you to see some of your ideas.

My dad passed away and as a personal thing, I'm putting a piece of his shirt sewn into my dress. He will be my "something blue" {out of irony because I have blue eyes because of him}

Maybe do something more personal that you and your bridesmaids could share as a memorial of her? This way it won't over power your day but still is very nice.

fitvegan · April 2015

One of my bridesmaids has breast cancer and because of this and being in the middle of her chemo treatments during our wedding, we don't know for sure that she will be able to stand up there with us or even be able to attend that day but if she is not able we will still have the space for her and an empty chair at the end of the head table and she will still be on the program but that will be all that is done for her. I know this is different because she is still living but I would suggest doing something similar. She is still your bridesmaid even if she isn't there that day but I would leave it at that, making it obvious that she isn't there may creep people out.

I am very sorry for your loss, though. I can't imagine.

Dreamergirl8812 · April 2015

slm86 said:
One of my bridesmaids has breast cancer and because of this and being in the middle of her chemo treatments during our wedding, we don't know for sure that she will be able to stand up there with us or even be able to attend that day but if she is not able we will still have the space for her and an empty chair at the end of the head table and she will still be on the program but that will be all that is done for her. I know this is different because she is still living but I would suggest doing something similar. She is still your bridesmaid even if she isn't there that day but I would leave it at that, making it obvious that she isn't there may creep people out.

I am very sorry for your loss, though. I can't imagine.

Nothing motivates a cancer survivor like treating them like they're already dead.

Said no one reasonable.

augsum15 · April 2015

I'm sorry for your loss, I unfortunately am in the same boat, and I'm going to attach a locket with her picture in it to my wedding bouquet. I don't want to burden any one with a sad memory, as it's suppose to be a happy day. I'll carry her with me! But no don't have anything set up, or announced, or memorial type things. It's uncomfortable, for people who didn't know her, and then upsetting for people who did.

Jen4948 · April 2015

slm86 said:
One of my bridesmaids has breast cancer and because of this and being in the middle of her chemo treatments during our wedding, we don't know for sure that she will be able to stand up there with us or even be able to attend that day but if she is not able we will still have the space for her and an empty chair at the end of the head table and she will still be on the program but that will be all that is done for her. I know this is different because she is still living but I would suggest doing something similar. She is still your bridesmaid even if she isn't there that day but I would leave it at that, making it obvious that she isn't there may creep people out.

I am very sorry for your loss, though. I can't imagine.

Don't have an empty chair for her if you know she's not coming. Trying to symbolically "include" absent people in this way, whether living or deceased, just makes everyone uncomfortable because it's a painful reminder. List her name in your program as a bridesmaid but leave it at that.

missglitter89 · April 2015

Maybe do one of those things at the reception where people will put a photo or candle or flowers up for the people who could not be with them (like grandparents). Not prominently focused on that but still a nice way to have them present.

levioosa · April 2015

slm86 said:
One of my bridesmaids has breast cancer and because of this and being in the middle of her chemo treatments during our wedding, we don't know for sure that she will be able to stand up there with us or even be able to attend that day but if she is not able we will still have the space for her and an empty chair at the end of the head table and she will still be on the program but that will be all that is done for her. I know this is different because she is still living but I would suggest doing something similar. She is still your bridesmaid even if she isn't there that day but I would leave it at that, making it obvious that she isn't there may creep people out.

I am very sorry for your loss, though. I can't imagine.

My first thought reading this was "oh God, no."

Don't do this. I'm with Dreamergirl. And setting up chairs for people absent whether living or deceased is a terrible idea.

Jen4948 · April 2015

missglitter89 said:
Maybe do one of those things at the reception where people will put a photo or candle or flowers up for the people who could not be with them (like grandparents). Not prominently focused on that but still a nice way to have them present.

No. Photos, flowers, and candles all call too much attention to the absence of loved ones and add notes of sadness that do not belong at a wedding.

missglitter89 · April 2015

Jen4948 said:

missglitter89 said:
Maybe do one of those things at the reception where people will put a photo or candle or flowers up for the people who could not be with them (like grandparents). Not prominently focused on that but still a nice way to have them present.
No. Photos, flowers, and candles all call too much attention to the absence of loved ones and add notes of sadness that do not belong at a wedding.

People have been doing this for years.

missglitter89 · April 2015

MairePoppy · April 2015

My cousin's bride was 1 1/2 hours late.....

Sorry, wrong board. Meant to post on SB.

OliveOilsMom · April 2015

Jen4948 said:

slm86 said:
One of my bridesmaids has breast cancer and because of this and being in the middle of her chemo treatments during our wedding, we don't know for sure that she will be able to stand up there with us or even be able to attend that day but if she is not able we will still have the space for her and an empty chair at the end of the head table and she will still be on the program but that will be all that is done for her. I know this is different because she is still living but I would suggest doing something similar. She is still your bridesmaid even if she isn't there that day but I would leave it at that, making it obvious that she isn't there may creep people out.

I am very sorry for your loss, though. I can't imagine.
Don't have an empty chair for her if you know she's not coming. Trying to symbolically "include" absent people in this way, whether living or deceased, just makes everyone uncomfortable because it's a painful reminder. List her name in your program as a bridesmaid but leave it at that.

Ditto. I would also add that you send her bouquet to her, if she is unable to make the wedding. I would also try to give her a call earlier in the day.

KatWAG · April 2015

This thread is from Oct 2014.

@knotrilery might be time to close it?

levioosa · April 2015

missglitter89 said:

Jen4948 said:

missglitter89 said:
Maybe do one of those things at the reception where people will put a photo or candle or flowers up for the people who could not be with them (like grandparents). Not prominently focused on that but still a nice way to have them present.
No. Photos, flowers, and candles all call too much attention to the absence of loved ones and add notes of sadness that do not belong at a wedding.
People have been doing this for years.

Just because something is common, doesn't mean it is right.

flantastic · April 2015

missglitter89 said:

Jen4948 said:

missglitter89 said:
Maybe do one of those things at the reception where people will put a photo or candle or flowers up for the people who could not be with them (like grandparents). Not prominently focused on that but still a nice way to have them present.
No. Photos, flowers, and candles all call too much attention to the absence of loved ones and add notes of sadness that do not belong at a wedding.
People have been doing this for years.

Yes, people have been doing awkward and inappropriate things for years.

Your point?

missglitter89 · April 2015

flantastic said:

missglitter89 said:

Jen4948 said:

missglitter89 said:
Maybe do one of those things at the reception where people will put a photo or candle or flowers up for the people who could not be with them (like grandparents). Not prominently focused on that but still a nice way to have them present.
No. Photos, flowers, and candles all call too much attention to the absence of loved ones and add notes of sadness that do not belong at a wedding.
People have been doing this for years.

Yes, people have been doing awkward and inappropriate things for years.
Your point?

I don't see how its awkward or inappropriate.

Jen4948 · April 2015

missglitter89 said:

flantastic said:

missglitter89 said:

Jen4948 said:

missglitter89 said:
Maybe do one of those things at the reception where people will put a photo or candle or flowers up for the people who could not be with them (like grandparents). Not prominently focused on that but still a nice way to have them present.
No. Photos, flowers, and candles all call too much attention to the absence of loved ones and add notes of sadness that do not belong at a wedding.
People have been doing this for years.

Yes, people have been doing awkward and inappropriate things for years.
Your point?
I don't see how its awkward or inappropriate.

That you don't see it that way does not make it not awkward or appropriate.

flantastic · April 2015

missglitter89 said:

flantastic said:

missglitter89 said:

Jen4948 said:

missglitter89 said:
Maybe do one of those things at the reception where people will put a photo or candle or flowers up for the people who could not be with them (like grandparents). Not prominently focused on that but still a nice way to have them present.
No. Photos, flowers, and candles all call too much attention to the absence of loved ones and add notes of sadness that do not belong at a wedding.
People have been doing this for years.

Yes, people have been doing awkward and inappropriate things for years.
Your point?
I don't see how its awkward or inappropriate.

1) The wedding is not about these people.

2) If the people pictured are deceased, you may be turning what should be a happy occasion into a depressing occasion for those who are still grieving them and weren't expecting to have that brought up at what's supposed to be a happy occasion. Keep memorials at memorial services, when people know what they're getting into.

3) Do you put out a picture of all the guests who had to decline, or only those deemed super special?

missglitter89 · April 2015

flantastic said:

missglitter89 said:

flantastic said:

missglitter89 said:

Jen4948 said:

missglitter89 said:
Maybe do one of those things at the reception where people will put a photo or candle or flowers up for the people who could not be with them (like grandparents). Not prominently focused on that but still a nice way to have them present.
No. Photos, flowers, and candles all call too much attention to the absence of loved ones and add notes of sadness that do not belong at a wedding.
People have been doing this for years.

Yes, people have been doing awkward and inappropriate things for years.
Your point?
I don't see how its awkward or inappropriate.

1) The wedding is not about these people.
2) If the people pictured are deceased, you may be turning what should be a happy occasion into a depressing occasion for those who are still grieving them and weren't expecting to have that brought up at what's supposed to be a happy occasion. Keep memorials at memorial services, when people know what they're getting into.
3) Do you put out a picture of all the guests who had to decline, or only those deemed super special?

I am talking about parents, siblings, or grandparents of the bride/groom. Or in OP's case her BM. I am not saying to do this for every deceased member of the extended family. I am not saying to do this for random people who could not come.

Putting up a sign somewhere like the one I posted before does not seem in bad taste. People are always putting up photos of family members at weddings so I don't see how this is as bad. No, I don't think you should put out a photo of each deceased person, that seems weird to me. But putting up a sign or something that says "in loving memory of those could not be here today" does not seem awkward or disturbing.

flantastic · April 2015

missglitter89 said:

flantastic said:

missglitter89 said:

flantastic said:

missglitter89 said:

Jen4948 said:

missglitter89 said:
Maybe do one of those things at the reception where people will put a photo or candle or flowers up for the people who could not be with them (like grandparents). Not prominently focused on that but still a nice way to have them present.
No. Photos, flowers, and candles all call too much attention to the absence of loved ones and add notes of sadness that do not belong at a wedding.
People have been doing this for years.

Yes, people have been doing awkward and inappropriate things for years.
Your point?
I don't see how its awkward or inappropriate.

1) The wedding is not about these people.
2) If the people pictured are deceased, you may be turning what should be a happy occasion into a depressing occasion for those who are still grieving them and weren't expecting to have that brought up at what's supposed to be a happy occasion. Keep memorials at memorial services, when people know what they're getting into.
3) Do you put out a picture of all the guests who had to decline, or only those deemed super special?
I am talking about parents, siblings, or grandparents of the bride/groom. Or in OP's case her BM. I am not saying to do this for every deceased member of the extended family. I am not saying to do this for random people who could not come.

Putting up a sign somewhere like the one I posted before does not seem in bad taste. People are always putting up photos of family members at weddings so I don't see how this is as bad. No, I don't think you should put out a photo of each deceased person, that seems weird to me. But putting up a sign or something that says "in loving memory of those could not be here today" does not seem awkward or disturbing.

Because you haven't yet been the one grieving them? You don't get to make the decisions on behalf of other people about what will disturb them. Just let the guests go to a wedding, and memorialize the people that you wish could have been there on your own time.

The bolded also totally missed my point. By putting out a sign or a picture about how, say, our (living) grandparents couldn't make it, but we still want to honor them, it's implying that these are the only people about whom we care that they couldn't make it, which is kind of insulting to everyone else who couldn't make it either.

artbyallie · April 2015

I agree that it's time to close this old thread.

In any case, the potential to cause hurt/sad feelings means one should keep memorials private.

Is this too sad, or weird?

Re: Is this too sad, or weird?

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