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Is it EVER ok to "B-list" in special circumstances?

futuredrbearfuturedrbear member
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in Wedding Etiquette Forum
Hi all,

My fiance and I are getting married in late May. We created our guest list last July and sent out Save the Dates in October. Our invites went out a few weeks ago and based on our RSVPs thus far, our headcount at the reception will total about 3/4 of those invited at the most, largely because most of our single guests have opted not to bring a +1.

Here's our situation--FH started a new job in November. He's grown quite close with his coworkers. We had long discussions about whether to invite his coworkers, but our hands were essentially tied as we had only budgeted for the guest list as it stood back in July. Now that it's looking like we'll have fewer guests than anticipated, I'd love to extend an invitation to these coworkers since they've become such an important part of FH's life over the past several months. However, I'm genuinely concerned that the invite will come across as "hey look, we have space for all you riff raff now!"

Should we invite FH's coworkers, or would it come across as disrespectful?
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Re: Is it EVER ok to "B-list" in special circumstances?

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    Maggie0829Maggie0829 member
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    futuredrbear said:

    Hi all,

    My fiance and I are getting married in late May. We created our guest list last July and sent out Save the Dates in October. Our invites went out a few weeks ago and based on our RSVPs thus far, our headcount at the reception will total about 3/4 of those invited at the most, largely because most of our single guests have opted not to bring a +1.

    Here's our situation--FH started a new job in November. He's grown quite close with his coworkers. We had long discussions about whether to invite his coworkers, but our hands were essentially tied as we had only budgeted for the guest list as it stood back in July. Now that it's looking like we'll have fewer guests than anticipated, I'd love to extend an invitation to these coworkers since they've become such an important part of FH's life over the past several months. However, I'm genuinely concerned that the invite will come across as "hey look, we have space for all you riff raff now!"

    Should we invite FH's coworkers, or would it come across as disrespectful?

    B-listing is always rude.  Period.  There are really no circumstances where B-listing people is okay.

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    pegasuskatpegasuskat member
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    With your wedding still that far away, I would add the work friends.  I would not tell them, hey I have room now.  I would just quickly send the invites and they can RSVP just like everybody else.  If it was closer to your wedding, I would NOT.
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    ShesSoColdShesSoCold mod
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    Maggie0829 said:

    futuredrbear said:

    Hi all,

    My fiance and I are getting married in late May. We created our guest list last July and sent out Save the Dates in October. Our invites went out a few weeks ago and based on our RSVPs thus far, our headcount at the reception will total about 3/4 of those invited at the most, largely because most of our single guests have opted not to bring a +1.

    Here's our situation--FH started a new job in November. He's grown quite close with his coworkers. We had long discussions about whether to invite his coworkers, but our hands were essentially tied as we had only budgeted for the guest list as it stood back in July. Now that it's looking like we'll have fewer guests than anticipated, I'd love to extend an invitation to these coworkers since they've become such an important part of FH's life over the past several months. However, I'm genuinely concerned that the invite will come across as "hey look, we have space for all you riff raff now!"

    Should we invite FH's coworkers, or would it come across as disrespectful?

    B-listing is always rude.  Period.  There are really no circumstances where B-listing people is okay.
    This. Had you sent the coworkers invitations a few weeks ago when all the other invitations went out, you would have been fine (it's totally okay to invite people who didn't receive save the dates) but inviting anyone after invitations go out and because you've received declines is rude. 
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    futuredrbearfuturedrbear member
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    pegasuskat said:

    With your wedding still that far away, I would add the work friends.  I would not tell them, hey I have room now.  I would just quickly send the invites and they can RSVP just like everybody else.  If it was closer to your wedding, I would NOT.

    I'm afraid that at this point it would be a bit too obvious that it was a late invite since the reply-by date is only 10 days from now.

    It's disappointing to have to exclude friends made during the wedding planning process, but fortunately most of them have had weddings themselves and will probably understand why we weren't able to invite them!
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    lovegood90lovegood90 member
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    While it's nice you want to include these people, this isn't really a "special circumstance." Tons of people have evolving/changing relationships with new people coming into their life, and they have to make tough calls regarding guest lists.

    However, regardless of these situations, it's never okay to send additional invites to people after receiving declines. Even if the intention is good, the result is still the same- people will feel pretty crappy and "second rate."

    Formerly martha1818

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    futuredrbearfuturedrbear member
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    southernbelle0915 said:

    How close could he really have grown to these people in the 3 weeks that have passed since you originally sent invitations? 


    Sorry, not buying it. And neither will they. This is straight up B-listing, which is against etiquette. Don't invite them - it'll be super obvious they were rudely B-listed.
    What I meant was that if we had known from day one that we wanted to invite these ~15 people, we would have budgeted differently to accommodate the extra guests. By the time it became obvious they were people we wanted at our wedding, there wasn't room left in the budget to expand the guest list.

    Regardless, it sounds like we should just be happy with the money saved by having fewer guests than expected. Thanks for the input everyone :)
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    novella1186novella1186 member
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    Just go out for drinks or something with these co-workers when the wedding is over. 

    I know it sucks to have to make tough calls with the guest list, but cutting them out is better than trying to include them later via B-listing. 

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    artbyallieartbyallie mod
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    futuredrbear said:

    With your wedding still that far away, I would add the work friends.  I would not tell them, hey I have room now.  I would just quickly send the invites and they can RSVP just like everybody else.  If it was closer to your wedding, I would NOT.
    I'm afraid that at this point it would be a bit too obvious that it was a late invite since the reply-by date is only 10 days from now.

    It's disappointing to have to exclude friends made during the wedding planning process, but fortunately most of them have had weddings themselves and will probably understand why we weren't able to invite them!


    You're going to get RSVPs right up to that date and probably for at least a few days after because some people don't drop them in the mail until the due date. Then you will need to call anyone you didn't get any response from to find out if they're coming or not. You can't know as of right now that you're even going to have the space.
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    huskypuppy14huskypuppy14 member
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    B-listing is when you decide to invite more people after receiving declines. This is exactly what you want to do, and it's a no no.

    Now there are circumstances where it's ok to invite people after invitations went out, but they are not contingent on receiving declines. Sometimes you become great friends with people right around when invites went out, or you get back in touch with someone, and want to invite them. This is not your situation; you had a discussion, and ultimately decided not to invite your FI co workers. You have to stick with that decision.
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    [Deleted User][Deleted User] member
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    I think you have to skip inviting the new co-workers. If you were just now sending out invites and wanted to add them, it wouldn't be an issue. But if they get an invite now with two weeks until the RSVP date, chances are they will realize they were b-listed. If they are good friends, they will understand. You didn't know them when you were figuring out your guest list and people plan their guests list to fit their budgets.

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    delujm0delujm0 member
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    The ONLY situation where it's ok to add attendees after declines come in is if you didn't give +1's to truly single guests when invites went out, but you can now accomodate them, so you call your single guests who are attending and say "hey if you want to bring a date just let me know by X date, we have room."  Anything other than that is rude. 
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    spglspspglsp member
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    I received a B-list invitation once from a college friend I hadn't seen in quite some time. I knew I was B-list for exactly the reason you identified: the RSVP date was before the postmark date. I felt like a seat filler and was more than happy to decline. Your friends will understand not being invited, they might not be so forgiving about being second tiered.
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    badbnagdwaybadbnagdway member
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    futuredrbear said:

    southernbelle0915 said:

    How close could he really have grown to these people in the 3 weeks that have passed since you originally sent invitations? 


    Sorry, not buying it. And neither will they. This is straight up B-listing, which is against etiquette. Don't invite them - it'll be super obvious they were rudely B-listed.
    What I meant was that if we had known from day one that we wanted to invite these ~15 people, we would have budgeted differently to accommodate the extra guests. By the time it became obvious they were people we wanted at our wedding, there wasn't room left in the budget to expand the guest list.

    Regardless, it sounds like we should just be happy with the money saved by having fewer guests than expected. Thanks for the input everyone :)
    I know how disappointing it is when you have to be careful with your guest list to stay in budget and the you have a bunch of declines and then you spend time thinking about other people you could have invited if only you'd known. But I agree with other advice, don't b-list these folks.

    We invited 145 and have 102 attending. Many of the declines, like yours, are a result of plus ones for truly single friends and family that are not being used. When we got past our first 10 or so declines I went ahead and upgraded our menu just a bit -- added a carving station and a couple of passed apps during cocktail hour in addition to the fruit and cheese display we had planned. This was only a total of an extra $3.50 per person over and above what we previously had planned so we still are not spending as much on food as we had budgeted. 

    It's also, of course, a great plan to just pocket the savings. 
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    runningtomyweddingrunningtomywedding member
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    I can relate to your situation... We made our guest list and sent out save the dates, inviting the maximum our venue can hold. I unexpectedly started a new job a couple months later. By the time my wedding is here, I will have worked here for 4 months. There are three people in particular that I work very closely with, and I want to invite them, but the list was made before I even met them and I won't know if there is room for them until RSVPs come in. If I had known them before I would have had them on the list, but it just didn't work out that way!
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    BrinkyDink16BrinkyDink16 member
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    Invite them!  I'm sure they'd be thrilled and if you have the space go for it!  They know that your FH didn't work there or know them when you started your planning process so I'm sure they wouldn't think twice about receiving an invitation later than normal.  I have a B-list of friends / co-workers who I'd really like to invite but just don't have space for with all the family.  I created a second RSVP card with a different response date on it and as "no" responses come in I'll send out the new ones 
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    JCbride2015JCbride2015 member
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    Cookie Pusher said:

    Knottie39994948 said:

    Invite them!  I'm sure they'd be thrilled and if you have the space go for it!  They know that your FH didn't work there or know them when you started your planning process so I'm sure they wouldn't think twice about receiving an invitation later than normal.  I have a B-list of friends / co-workers who I'd really like to invite but just don't have space for with all the family.  I created a second RSVP card with a different response date on it and as "no" responses come in I'll send out the new ones 

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    "I'm not a rude bitch.  I'm ten rude bitches in a large coat."

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    ViczaesarViczaesar member
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    Knottie39994948 said:

    Invite them!  I'm sure they'd be thrilled and if you have the space go for it!  They know that your FH didn't work there or know them when you started your planning process so I'm sure they wouldn't think twice about receiving an invitation later than normal.  I have a B-list of friends / co-workers who I'd really like to invite but just don't have space for with all the family.  I created a second RSVP card with a different response date on it and as "no" responses come in I'll send out the new ones 

    That is awful advice.  B listing is rude, period.



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    redoryxredoryx member
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    Knottie39994948 said:

    Invite them!  I'm sure they'd be thrilled and if you have the space go for it!  They know that your FH didn't work there or know them when you started your planning process so I'm sure they wouldn't think twice about receiving an invitation later than normal.  I have a B-list of friends / co-workers who I'd really like to invite but just don't have space for with all the family.  I created a second RSVP card with a different response date on it and as "no" responses come in I'll send out the new ones 

    Actually, if you really wanted to invite them, you would have figured out a way to invite them with the first round of people, be it different venue, reworking your budget, etc. Instead, you're telling them "You weren't important enough for me to invite originally, but now that the people who were more important than you can't come, I guess I'll extend an invite." 

    Yeah, that's a really stellar way to treat your friends and co-workers.
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    Maggie0829Maggie0829 member
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    Knottie39994948 said:

    Invite them!  I'm sure they'd be thrilled and if you have the space go for it!  They know that your FH didn't work there or know them when you started your planning process so I'm sure they wouldn't think twice about receiving an invitation later than normal.  I have a B-list of friends / co-workers who I'd really like to invite but just don't have space for with all the family.  I created a second RSVP card with a different response date on it and as "no" responses come in I'll send out the new ones 

    Shocker here, but not everyone is dying to attend your wedding.

    As for the seconded bolded...

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    flantasticflantastic member
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    Maggie0829 said:

    Knottie39994948 said:

    Invite them!  I'm sure they'd be thrilled and if you have the space go for it!  They know that your FH didn't work there or know them when you started your planning process so I'm sure they wouldn't think twice about receiving an invitation later than normal.  I have a B-list of friends / co-workers who I'd really like to invite but just don't have space for with all the family.  I created a second RSVP card with a different response date on it and as "no" responses come in I'll send out the new ones 

    Shocker here, but not everyone is dying to attend your wedding.

    As for the seconded bolded...

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    Yeah, I'm pretty sure my reaction to any coworker's wedding invitation would be something like "Oh, cool, I guess. H, do we have any interest in going to this? Oh, that fun little street festival is the same night? No, don't worry about it. I'm sure they won't miss us."

    "Thrilled" is not the word I would use for that.

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    huskypuppy14huskypuppy14 member
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    BrinkyDink16 said:

    Invite them!  I'm sure they'd be thrilled and if you have the space go for it!  They know that your FH didn't work there or know them when you started your planning process so I'm sure they wouldn't think twice about receiving an invitation later than normal.  I have a B-list of friends / co-workers who I'd really like to invite but just don't have space for with all the family.  I created a second RSVP card with a different response date on it and as "no" responses come in I'll send out the new ones 

    This is the etiquette board. You shouldn't be giving advice that goes against etiquette.

    My husband and I were able to invite everyone we wanted to, without b-listing. I don't understand why this is such a hard concept.
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    Cookie PusherCookie Pusher member
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    edited April 2015
    BrinkyDink16 said:

    Invite them!  I'm sure they'd be thrilled and if you have the space go for it!  They know that your FH didn't work there or know them when you started your planning process so I'm sure they wouldn't think twice about receiving an invitation later than normal.  I have a B-list of friends / co-workers who I'd really like to invite but just don't have space for with all the family.  I created a second RSVP card with a different response date on it and as "no" responses come in I'll send out the new ones 

    This is the etiquette board. You shouldn't be giving advice that goes against etiquette.

    My husband and I were able to invite everyone we wanted to, without b-listing. I don't understand why this is such a hard concept.
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    japlanetjaplanet member
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    edited April 2015
    Sorry, wrong thread
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    SP29SP29 member
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    It's one thing to invite someone a bit later because you've developed this great friendship and really want them there, but it's another thing to invite someone because you've gotten declines.

    It sounds like DH knew these coworkers at the time invitations went out, but you had already invited to your maximum. If the coworkers weren't important enough to jiggle around your guest list at the time, then inviting them now would definitely be a rude B-list.

    Agreed that you should get together with them after the wedding, take them out for dinner or drinks. 


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    wandajune6wandajune6 member
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    Nope. This isn't that magical exception that makes b-listing acceptable. Sorry!
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