Attending a wedding where you don't know the bride or groom

ChemFanatic25 · April 2015

Hi Everyone,

So I'm attending a wedding this weekend with my boyfriend. He and +1 were invited so obviously he put my name down on the invite. I have never met the bride and I believe I've only met the groom once and I can't really remember his face.

Normally when I go to events be it a BBQ, in house party, etc, I know at least a group of people. This is my boyfriend's coworker and I'm hoping that some of his other coworkers that I know will be there as well. If not, I will only know my boyfriend.

My question is, how do you avoid looking like the awkward person who doesn't know anyone at the party and was tacked on as a plus one? I'm normally outgoing and I'll try talking to people if I know a group but if none of my bf's other friends were invited I won't know anyone and I get so weird around strangers. I'll kind of go into my own little shell and I want to avoid that. What do you to maintain that confidence to say hello and start conversations and not cling to the SO at your side?

Edit: I lied, I've been in this situation so I do know how I respond when I am attending an event and don't know anyone.

climbingsingle · April 2015

Alcohol.

I once attended a wedding with my ex where I knew not one person. It was all his friends from college and we'd only been dating for 3 months. Everyone was really nice and excited to meet me. And I drank.

Maggie0829 · April 2015

Well your BF should be introducing you to his co-workers/friends and should be including you into conversation. He should know your comfort level in regards to going some place where you do not know anyone else and should be considerate of that. So part of it is on him to not just leave you on your own all evening and part of it is on you to take a deep breath and just jump into conversations. The only thing you can say is that since you don't know anyone you will most likely never see most of them again so who really cares, just have fun and talk to people.

But I understand how you feel. When H and I first got together I had to talk to him about taking me to parties where I did not really know anyone and then just leaving me to go off and play drinking games with his friends or whatever. Not cool. So I would talk to your BF about your feelings and just to kind of bee a social crutch in the beginning until you feel a bit more confident.

novella1186 · April 2015

I was in a similar situation a couple years ago. I went to the wedding of FI's friends, who I had only met once, and I had never met any of their friends. (But Brad was there, and I knew Brad) lol.

We were seated at a table with their other high school friends so FI knew them, and they knew that I was his girlfriend. They were all super friendly, and really nice, and a couple of them made an effort to chat with me. It was a very non-awkward situation.

Brad's date didn't know anyone either so I chatted with her a lot so that she wouldn't feel awkward or left out. I'm kind of shy, but it was such an easy-going fun atmosphere that it was easy to strike up conversations with random people. No big deal.

Plus, like climbing said, alcohol.

lyndausvi · April 2015

I'm attending a wedding like this in a few weeks. The groom works for DH. I work there too in the summer, but for the life of me I can't picture him at all.

Alcohol is always good. Just be friendly. Comment on the ceremony. Introduce yourself.

southernbelle0915 · April 2015

Ditto alcohol. But not too much or you'll be remembered for the wrong reasons.

Have you ever been to a conference where you don't know anyone? You just introduce yourself. And you have something in common - "how do you know the bride and groom?" "oh I'm her aunt" "your niece looks lovely!" If people ask you, "my boyfriend works with (bride). what a beautiful ceremony they had...."

littlepep · April 2015

climbingwife said:
Alcohol.

I once attended a wedding with my ex where I knew not one person. It was all his friends from college and we'd only been dating for 3 months. Everyone was really nice and excited to meet me. And I drank.

I am so much more charming after a glass or two of wine.

Cookie Pusher · April 2015

I'm a bit of a social butterfly, so this has never been a problem for me. I'm all about the little ice-breaker/observation type comments ("Wow, this shrimp appetizer is delicious! I wonder what's in it?"/"This venue is beautiful! The staircase at the entrance is stunning.") that people can either ignore or actually give some sort of simple response to seem to work well for me. This works well if you're in line or close proximity to someone you want to strike up a conversation with. When it's someone I want to go up to in order to speak to, I usually ask about or comment on something they're wearing ("I really like your tie. Do you mind telling me where it's from? My husband would love something similar to it.")

If all else fails... alcohol.

theartistformerlyknownas · April 2015

Fake it til you make it. Honestly. That's the only way I got through college. I'm the same way where I'm really lively and outgoing among people I know, but clam up around strangers or in situations where I'm not totally comfortable (like crowds). I would just go into these situations and tell myself "I'm not the shy girl today" and power through it. Pretend you know them. Tell the same jokes and stories you'd tell if they were your friends. You'll start to feel much more like yourself.

sarahufl · April 2015

I've been to a few weddings where I really didn't know people and I always had a good time.

Hopefully they are nice and you can meet people

lovemesomemonster · April 2015

People for the most part are happy at weddings and enjoy chatting so that helps! I second the comment about complimenting people, great way to get a conversation going, and just ask them questions if you aren't comfortable talking yet. People that know a lot of others are more likely to open up fast and asking them questions gets them talking so you don't have to while you are getting comfortable. Just come up with a mental list before and you'll be good to go:

-How do you know the bride/groom?

-Are you from this area?

-What did you think of the fantastic crab puffs?

-Oh, you haven't had one, we should get you one!

flantastic · April 2015

Yep. Fake it. I'm an introvert and would so much rather hang out with a few people I already know than meet or have superficial chats with a bunch of people, but small talk with a lot of people is part of my job, so I call it "work mode." I'm sure it'd be even easier with a glass or two to loosen you up.

ChemFanatic25 · April 2015

Wow! This is all very helpful. I'm so glad I'm not the only one who is like this. The last time I went somewhere and I absolutely did not know anyone else was this training for my previous company and we just focused most of our time on that. I was the only woman in the class and it was really nerve wracking. One older gentleman reached out to me and I was able to talk to him and coincidentally he was from my neck of the woods. But if he hadn't done that I honestly would have just kept taking the class (it was 5 days long) and then headed straight to the hotel.

I will most definitely have a drink. I'm bringing cash just in case it is a cash bar because based on what everyone says it most definitely is liquid courage.

I feel a lot better knowing how to deal with this :-) I believe my boyfriend won't just leave me and wander off. He is really great about that kind of thing but I've never been to a huge event with him so you never know. He could get distracted or something. No fault through his own. So I want to be prepared. I'll try the ice breakers after I've had some alcohol in my system. I don't want to end up being that weird girl sitting in the back alone. lol

ChemFanatic25 · April 2015

lovemesomemonster said:
People for the most part are happy at weddings and enjoy chatting so that helps! I second the comment about complimenting people, great way to get a conversation going, and just ask them questions if you aren't comfortable talking yet. People that know a lot of others are more likely to open up fast and asking them questions gets them talking so you don't have to while you are getting comfortable. Just come up with a mental list before and you'll be good to go:
-How do you know the bride/groom? Unfortunately I do not :-/
-Are you from this area? We're traveling 2 hours so I'm not from the area.
-What did you think of the fantastic crab puffs? I can do food! I love food.
-Oh, you haven't had one, we should get you one!

*SITB!*
What would be some other good topics? I could actually talk about the weather. Hopefully that isn't too cliché. Ugh, I do not do well with conversations and strangers. Would it be weird to bring up gardening? It's been so sunny out so I've been messing around with my plants. Or should I just focus on wedding stuff.

redoryx · April 2015

Ooh this is all good. We have two weddings in the fall and they are all his friends and I might know one or two people, but even then not very well. I'm not super social and can get intimidated in situations like this.

lovemesomemonster · April 2015

ChemFanatic25 said:

lovemesomemonster said:
People for the most part are happy at weddings and enjoy chatting so that helps! I second the comment about complimenting people, great way to get a conversation going, and just ask them questions if you aren't comfortable talking yet. People that know a lot of others are more likely to open up fast and asking them questions gets them talking so you don't have to while you are getting comfortable. Just come up with a mental list before and you'll be good to go:
-How do you know the bride/groom? Unfortunately I do not :-/
-Are you from this area? We're traveling 2 hours so I'm not from the area.
-What did you think of the fantastic crab puffs? I can do food! I love food.
-Oh, you haven't had one, we should get you one!

*SITB!*
What would be some other good topics? I could actually talk about the weather. Hopefully that isn't too cliché. Ugh, I do not do well with conversations and strangers. Would it be weird to bring up gardening? It's been so sunny out so I've been messing around with my plants. Or should I just focus on wedding stuff.

I was suggesting you ask them that.. and if you hit one that is from the area you not being from there is a perfect way to start the convo:

-This seems like a nice area, I am not from here but we might come back for a weekend (not saying you want to but a little BS can keep a convo going), what are some good places you like to go for dinner? A great seafood place, that sound perfect! Have you tried the crab puffs?

-OH, you aren't from this area? Where are you from originally? Alaska! That sounds exciting, what brought you down this way?

I'm basically saying that people generally find it easy to talk about themselves so if you get them going you might find out that they like to garden then you can move into "The weather has been so nice recently, I have been enjoying getting out into my garden, what kind of plants do you grow?"

ChemFanatic25 · April 2015

lovemesomemonster said:

ChemFanatic25 said:

lovemesomemonster said:
People for the most part are happy at weddings and enjoy chatting so that helps! I second the comment about complimenting people, great way to get a conversation going, and just ask them questions if you aren't comfortable talking yet. People that know a lot of others are more likely to open up fast and asking them questions gets them talking so you don't have to while you are getting comfortable. Just come up with a mental list before and you'll be good to go:
-How do you know the bride/groom? Unfortunately I do not :-/
-Are you from this area? We're traveling 2 hours so I'm not from the area.
-What did you think of the fantastic crab puffs? I can do food! I love food.
-Oh, you haven't had one, we should get you one!

*SITB!*
What would be some other good topics? I could actually talk about the weather. Hopefully that isn't too cliché. Ugh, I do not do well with conversations and strangers. Would it be weird to bring up gardening? It's been so sunny out so I've been messing around with my plants. Or should I just focus on wedding stuff.

I was suggesting you ask them that.. and if you hit one that is from the area you not being from there is a perfect way to start the convo:
-This seems like a nice area, I am not from here but we might come back for a weekend (not saying you want to but a little BS can keep a convo going), what are some good places you like to go for dinner? A great seafood place, that sound perfect! Have you tried the crab puffs?
-OH, you aren't from this area? Where are you from originally? Alaska! That sounds exciting, what brought you down this way?

I'm basically saying that people generally find it easy to talk about themselves so if you get them going you might find out that they like to garden then you can move into "The weather has been so nice recently, I have been enjoying getting out into my garden, what kind of plants do you grow?"

Oh that's what you meant! Okay, that makes way more sense :-) I'll keep that in mind then. Thanks!

lovemesomemonster · April 2015

ChemFanatic25 said:

lovemesomemonster said:

ChemFanatic25 said:

lovemesomemonster said:
People for the most part are happy at weddings and enjoy chatting so that helps! I second the comment about complimenting people, great way to get a conversation going, and just ask them questions if you aren't comfortable talking yet. People that know a lot of others are more likely to open up fast and asking them questions gets them talking so you don't have to while you are getting comfortable. Just come up with a mental list before and you'll be good to go:
-How do you know the bride/groom? Unfortunately I do not :-/
-Are you from this area? We're traveling 2 hours so I'm not from the area.
-What did you think of the fantastic crab puffs? I can do food! I love food.
-Oh, you haven't had one, we should get you one!

*SITB!*
What would be some other good topics? I could actually talk about the weather. Hopefully that isn't too cliché. Ugh, I do not do well with conversations and strangers. Would it be weird to bring up gardening? It's been so sunny out so I've been messing around with my plants. Or should I just focus on wedding stuff.

I was suggesting you ask them that.. and if you hit one that is from the area you not being from there is a perfect way to start the convo:
-This seems like a nice area, I am not from here but we might come back for a weekend (not saying you want to but a little BS can keep a convo going), what are some good places you like to go for dinner? A great seafood place, that sound perfect! Have you tried the crab puffs?
-OH, you aren't from this area? Where are you from originally? Alaska! That sounds exciting, what brought you down this way?

I'm basically saying that people generally find it easy to talk about themselves so if you get them going you might find out that they like to garden then you can move into "The weather has been so nice recently, I have been enjoying getting out into my garden, what kind of plants do you grow?"

Oh that's what you meant! Okay, that makes way more sense :-) I'll keep that in mind then. Thanks!

NP, I just like to make sure I have some conversations starters in my back pocket when I'm going somewhere I don't know lots of people. Helps to prepare if you normally clam up in those situations then you can go to your mental list!

kvruns · April 2015

This makes me think of when I went to a wedding with a bf long ago (an ex now). I think it was 2 weeks after our first date (or something like that), and it was his college friends but really just a few of them at that I think and all were in the wedding party. He said hello to them after the wedding, about 3 min of chatting even though he hadn't seen them in a while, and then we realized there was like a 3+ hour gap or something before the reception and after about 45 min of randomly walking around a college campus by the church we said F-it and came back home (totally his decision). Probably a blessing in disguise because he was social awkward in groups and if the only people he knew were in the wedding party it would have been a lot of silence or me trying to meet new people so we weren't just sitting alone.

Now that I think about it it was crappy of us to ditch the reception since that means they paid for 2 people who didn't show. Ooops sorry guys. Although don't have a 3 hour gap and we would have gone.

FiancB · April 2015

I met most of H's friends going to his friend's wedding. He was in the bridal party and they had a head table and huge gap, so I was separated from him for a lot of the night (this is why this is rude to your guests, folks!). I was sat with the other widowed dates.

They were nice. I drank. I also set my hair on fire at one point, which earned me a lot of cool points.

Anyway, sounds like you'll be seated with him? I hope? I wouldn't worry about it. Nobody's going to judge you for sticking near him as long as you're still friendly.

madamerwin · April 2015

1. Alcohol.

2. Make sure your BF introduces you to some people.

I went to one wedding once where I knew no one. A few months after FI and I started dating, I went to a wedding with him. FI and the bride dated in high school, and FI's mom, brother, and nephew would be there too (I hadn't met them yet). And all of his high school friends. I was a wreck beforehand - I didn't know this couple or anyone else in attendance, I wasn't sure if the bride would like me because of her and FI's history, and I had no clue what FI's mom was like.

When we arrived, and the bride pushed FI out of the way and said something like "Get out of the way, I want to meet your girlfriend!" And then she gave me a big hug. We're very good friends now.

Later, FI disappeared. I could see his mom across the yard, but I was terrified to introduce myself. I hid until FI came back to introduce me. Turns out FMIL is an absolutely wonderful person, and once I was introduced to some people, it turned out to be a super fun time. But unlike some PP's, we at least got to sit together.

SO, yeah. Alcohol and make sure BF introduces you to some people.

hellosweetie1015 · April 2015

I'm a bit of a social butterfly, so this has never been a problem for me. I'm all about the little ice-breaker/observation type comments ("Wow, this shrimp appetizer is delicious! I wonder what's in it?"/"This venue is beautiful! The staircase at the entrance is stunning.") that people can either ignore or actually give some sort of simple response to seem to work well for me. This works well if you're in line or close proximity to someone you want to strike up a conversation with. When it's someone I want to go up to in order to speak to, I usually ask about or comment on something they're wearing ("I really like your tie. Do you mind telling me where it's from? My husband would love something similar to it.")

If all else fails... alcohol.

THIS. Have some stuff in your back pocket for if you feel like it's lulling.

I also discovered when I quit grad school that I had two "names". My real name is "Elizabeth" (I think a few people on here know my real-real name, but we're going to pretend anyway). Elizabeth is a really quiet, shy person who doesn't really care for crowds or going out or anything. But when I started to go by "Liz", I discovered that she was able to be more comfortably outgoing and friendly, and able to be a real participant in things rather than an outsider. It was like, oh, Elizabeth is one way, but maybe Liz doesn't have to be. And that helped me a TON. So... I mean, don't start going by a whole new name unless you want to, but if you have a way to say to yourself, "Oh, I'm going to be the outgoing version of me today," it helps TREMENDOUSLY.

The Elizabeth version of me would never have met FI, for instance. The Liz version is why I signed up for OKCupid in the first place, where I met him.

...I feel like I need to have a disclaimer here about not being dissociative after all that...

Attending a wedding where you don't know the bride or groom

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