Bridesmaids are upset I'm not giving them enough direction.

Re: Bridesmaids are upset I'm not giving them enough direction.

• Jen4948 member

  

  April 2015

  Tell them what you said here: that you honestly trust their opinions about hair, makeup, shoes, and everything else.  Also, that you would like them to be happy and comfortable in whatever they choose, and you're sure they'll look great. 
  
  When it comes to flower colors, just let them know that when you've made those decisions, you'll let them know, and if there's anything they can do to help, ask them if they'd be willing but accept any declines graciously.
  

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• mrscomposer member

  

  April 2015

  I actually had the same problem (?) - but mine was by virtue of living a ten hour drive away from my bridal party.  Plus, I'm super organized and very hands-on, and knew that even if we lived in the same city, I'd choose to do a lot of it on my own.

  Whenever I talked on the phone with any of them, we had our visit and then they'd say "okay, so tell me about the wedding", and I'd say "well, what do you want to know?" and I'd tell them anything they were wondering about.  It wasn't that I was purposefully withholding from them (obviously), but I knew that just because *I* had wedding brain didn't mean everyone else did, so I generally kept all my conversations wedding free unless asked.

  They were a huge help when it came to setting up the venue the day before the wedding - our amazing decorations were actually because of them (we had books as centerpieces, and I wanted the tables to look like someone's coffee table or end table - they did EVERY TABLE differently, because "no one's end table looks the same").  They came to the hall and just basically said, okay, tell us what you want.

  What it came down to was a conversation with my BFF - "look, dude - I didn't pick you as a bridesmaid to get free labour from you; I picked you because I love you and you're my best friend, and I don't want to get married without you standing up next to me."  That worked with her.

  As for the shoes/hair/makeup... just tell them that they've been doing just fine choosing their style thus far, and you trust that they'll pick something they like.  Lather, rinse, repeat.  I actually inadvertently chose how one BM did her hair - she has amazing, neck-length curls, but usually has it pulled back somehow.  Her hair was down around her face in this gorgeous cloud of curls, and she asked me how I thought she should have it done.  I said I thought it was already done, because it looked amazing.  She just had the hairdresser add some feature curls and pull it back on one side, and done.

  **The OMH formerly known as jsangel1018**

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• lovemesomemonster member

  

  May 2015

  I have been dealing with the same thing. The girls asked me about dresses, I gave them a color and length and said to pick one you are comfortable with. Apparently that wasn't enough direction so I started a private FB page with just us able to see it so they can communicate better (they are in 3 different states), gave them a designer, color, length and said "you can coordinate with each other if you want or not I just want you to be comfortable with what you are wearing". Then we got to hair/shoes and I again said "black shoes that are comfortable" and that wasn't enough. After having to actually say "you can pick heels, flats, open toe, closed toe, honestly whatever you are comfortable in, grab your favorite out of your closet" they got it and have been off and running on their FB page with each other. 

  
  

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• [Deleted User] member

  

  May 2015

  lovemesomemonster said:

  I have been dealing with the same thing. The girls asked me about dresses, I gave them a color and length and said to pick one you are comfortable with. Apparently that wasn't enough direction so I started a private FB page with just us able to see it so they can communicate better (they are in 3 different states), gave them a designer, color, length and said "you can coordinate with each other if you want or not I just want you to be comfortable with what you are wearing". Then we got to hair/shoes and I again said "black shoes that are comfortable" and that wasn't enough. After having to actually say "you can pick heels, flats, open toe, closed toe, honestly whatever you are comfortable in, grab your favorite out of your closet" they got it and have been off and running on their FB page with each other. 

  Yep, I'm not even going to give a length and a color and I'm positive my sister is going to have a shitfit.  The conversation will go something like this.

  Wear whatever you want.  

  What do you mean?

  I mean, wear whatever you want.  I've seen your closet.  You have tons of beautiful clothes.  Pick whatever you choose to wear on that day and wear that.

  What color?

  Whatever color you want.

  What length?

  Whatever length you want.  Seriously, why is this hard?  I'm telling you to wear whatever you want.  You're a much snappier dresser than I am.  You've been dressing yourself for at least a couple years now.  I'm sure you can decide what to wear that is appropriate for a wedding.

  *sigh*

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• climbingsingle member

  

  May 2015

  I don't get this. If I was in a wedding and a bride told me to pick whatever, I'd be elated. I've been in 6 weddings and I've had to wear this jewelry and these shoes and do my hair like this and get this color on my nails. UGH. 

  
  

  I only had a MOH, but I told her the same thing. She could pick any dress, any shoe, any jewelry, and hair. It didn't matter to me. I wanted her to pick things that she felt great in. 

  
  

  I'd just keep reiterating to them that you'd like them to choose whatever THEY want. 

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• frenchiekin member

  

  May 2015

  My bridesmaids are SO confused by this.  They've all asked me several times what I want them to do for jewelry, hair, shoes, nails... and just never considered the possibility that I'd "let" them choose whatever they wanted.  I just keep telling them they all have awesome style (which they do) and are adults and should pick out what they want, whether it "matches" the wedding or not.  My FSIL was elated... but said her younger sister (also a BM) was going to have a breakdown if I didn't give her specific parameters.

  
  

  The amount of bullshit the wedding industry has beaten into our collective heads over the years is just sad.

  
  

  
  

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• Jen4948 member

  

  May 2015

  frenchiekin said:

  My bridesmaids are SO confused by this.  They've all asked me several times what I want them to do for jewelry, hair, shoes, nails... and just never considered the possibility that I'd "let" them choose whatever they wanted.  I just keep telling them they all have awesome style (which they do) and are adults and should pick out what they want, whether it "matches" the wedding or not.  My FSIL was elated... but said her younger sister (also a BM) was going to have a breakdown if I didn't give her specific parameters.

  
  

  Stuck in box

  
  

  The next time they ask for direction, why not respond by asking them why they need you to tell them what to wear when you've already told them multiple times it's up to them?  Maybe asking them that will drive the message home.
  

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• [Deleted User] member

  

  May 2015

  For hair, maybe tell them "I'm planning on wearing my hair this way. If you have some ideas and want a second opinion, feel free to send me photos. You girls look great all the time, I trust your judgement."

  As for all the little details "I don't want to bore you with those because there is more to life then just my wedding, I want to have fun and know what's going on with your life, by the way, how was your date with that hot guy last week or that shirt just looks so great on you (bean dipping).

  And if they continue to push for details "I don't want to stress others out, I have it all under control, I want you to be surprised."

  The one thing I did give all my bridal party and both parent the week before the wedding was a day of schedule and I told them they would be getting it. This way everyone knew what the schedule was for the day from going to the salon, lunch, transportation, photos, etc. This way everyone knew what to expect on the wedding day & no one was bothering me asking me for details on when to be where.

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