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Bar related question

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Re: Bar related question

  • notdoingitbythebooknotdoingitbythebook member
    First Comment 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    tfmrserwin said:

    notdoingitbythebook said:

    notdoingitbythebook said:

    I've seen the "first two tickets are on us and then you're on your own" at a lot of organized parties so I'm not really sure why a wedding suddenly makes it wrong to do but apparently it is. I think offering a certain amount of free booze and then letting people buy their own is perfectly reasonable but then I think that there is entirely too much emphasis on alcohol at social events and I desperately wish people would stop equating alcohol service with good hosting. Honestly, if you believe that you need alcohol to have a good time you're doing something wrong. The event and the people should be the reason why you're having a good time, not how drunk you can get. Being drunk or even buzzed isn't attractive and it drives me crazy how society expects alcohol for a good time.

    So honestly, I think a few drink tickets per person and then everyone is on their own is just fine. Unfortunately, societal expectations differ so you have to offer free booze to everyone lest you get the side eye for not allowing everyone to get plastered on your dime and make idiots of themselves.


    I have never seen anyone on these boards suggest that alcohol is a requirement for good hosting. They have only stated if you are going to have alcohol host it properly. They have stated many times that dry weddings can be just as fun as open bars.
    Everywhere you go, alcohol is considered an "essential" for a social gathering. It's not just here. And I don't think a dry wedding should be the only other option, I just don't believe that the hosts should have to be on the hook for the stupidity of others, which is what an open bar does. Cash bar puts the onus on the drinker and they will think twice about drinking. At least those in my circle do.


    This should not be so hard to understand... A guest should not have to pull out their wallet for anything at your reception. The reception is a thank-you to guests for attending the ceremony. Would you charge your friends for drinks at a dinner party at your house? Or tell them they can have two glasses of wine, but if they want more, they owe you $2?

    To the bolded: This is simply not true. If it were true, you would never see anyone wasted out at bars. If someone wants to get drunk at your cash bar, they will. Having to pay for it isn't going to stop people who want to drink from doing so, but it will cause them to judge you for being a poor host.



    I understand it perfectly. There is nothing for me that is hard to understand. I just DO NOT AGREE WITH IT. We're having the stupid open bar because it's a part of the package at the venue. I don't agree with it, I think those drinking should have some responsibility in what they drink. No other event thrown in our circle expects the host to fund all the beverages consumed... just weddings for some stupid reason. We don't charge for drinks at dinner parties or any parties we throw but they are generally bring your own and I watch like a hawk those who are drinking so that they do not drive or get out of control. But alas, there will be an open bar at my wedding even though I fundamentally disagree with them.

    Honestly, if people judge my hosting abilities by whether or not I have an open bar, there are other issues afoot. There are more important things in life than alcohol.


    ----BOXES-----

    What exactly do you not agree with? That if you host an event, guests should not be required to pay for anything? That adults should be able to decide whether/how much they drink? That a reception is a thank-you for attending the ceremony? 

    Just because you disagree doesn't make your opinion correct. Just a reminder, this is an etiquette board, and people will tell you when you're going against proper etiquette. Whether you agree with said etiquette is not relevant and does not change the fact that a cash bar is rude.


    I don't agree with the etiquette. That makes my opinion, my opinion... nothing more. I have always been in the minority about alcohol and I don't really give a fuck. It's what I think and that's not going to change. I'm having a stupid open bar because it comes with the package and what my stupid inlaws expect because it's a damn cultural tradition that the booze flows until everyone gets stupid drunk and embarrassing. It's gross. But it's happening. Except I am putting controls in place so they don't get that far. My bartenders have instructions to cut people off before they get to that point and if they have a problem with that, they can leave... via cab. So I am not going against etiquette, no matter how much I hate it. And that sucks. I didn't go into this wedding thing to have a part of my wedding that I hate. 
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  • notdoingitbythebooknotdoingitbythebook member
    First Comment 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    Sioux1986 said:

    notdoingitbythebook said:

    notdoingitbythebook said:

    I've seen the "first two tickets are on us and then you're on your own" at a lot of organized parties so I'm not really sure why a wedding suddenly makes it wrong to do but apparently it is. I think offering a certain amount of free booze and then letting people buy their own is perfectly reasonable but then I think that there is entirely too much emphasis on alcohol at social events and I desperately wish people would stop equating alcohol service with good hosting. Honestly, if you believe that you need alcohol to have a good time you're doing something wrong. The event and the people should be the reason why you're having a good time, not how drunk you can get. Being drunk or even buzzed isn't attractive and it drives me crazy how society expects alcohol for a good time.

    So honestly, I think a few drink tickets per person and then everyone is on their own is just fine. Unfortunately, societal expectations differ so you have to offer free booze to everyone lest you get the side eye for not allowing everyone to get plastered on your dime and make idiots of themselves.

    Would you do this with anything else offered?

    How about the first three items of appetizers are free but if you want another shrimp cocktail shooter then that's going to be $2?   Pig in a blanket?   After your first two, that's going to cost you a buck fifty.

    Do you like coffee?  Great - you'll get a cup on the house.   After that, you're going to need to pay $4.   They use Starbucks donchaknow.   

    Oh, and cake?   Well a small piece will be free but a larger piece is $4.   And if you want it with two strawberries then that's $6.

    Oh - you don't do that with food and only with booze??    Why is it OK to charge your guests for alcohol as if it's some kind of extra but not for the rest of the items offered?   The last time I checked, people don't leave the average reception hungry. 



    I don't see alcohol as a requirement. I see it as something that is overstated as a requirement for a good time. So yes, I do think that people should be responsible for their own consumption, especially if they are going to overindulge as most do at parties. I don't feel like I should be required to fund someone's stupidity because society has dictated that the only way to have fun at a social gathering is to get drunk.

    I would much prefer to have people be responsible for their own beverages at a wedding just like they are responsible for their own beverages at all other social gatherings in familar circles.

    But don't fret, we're having an open bar even though I think it's stupid. It's a part of the package we got so whatever. I just have strict instructions in place to prevent over consumption.


    ---WHERE DID THE BOX GO????---

    I think soda and certain foods are bad for you. Does that mean I should have limited my guests on consumption of these items? People overindulge on soda all the time! It contributes to obesity***!!!!111!!!  

    Or, you could let people be grown ups and enjoy what you have properly hosted. If you are so vehemently against the social implications of drinking, why are you offering it at all?

    ***to clarify: not fat shaming, I really don't give a shit what people eat or drink. I say this as a fat-positive plus size lady


    I'm offering it because I am not the only one getting married. My FH wants the open bar, thus the stupid thing is happening and it's part of the venue package. 
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  • notdoingitbythebooknotdoingitbythebook member
    First Comment 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    Jen4948 said:

    notdoingitbythebook said:

    whovianstark said:

    notdoingitbythebook said:

    I've seen the "first two tickets are on us and then you're on your own" at a lot of organized parties so I'm not really sure why a wedding suddenly makes it wrong to do but apparently it is. I think offering a certain amount of free booze and then letting people buy their own is perfectly reasonable but then I think that there is entirely too much emphasis on alcohol at social events and I desperately wish people would stop equating alcohol service with good hosting. Honestly, if you believe that you need alcohol to have a good time you're doing something wrong. The event and the people should be the reason why you're having a good time, not how drunk you can get. Being drunk or even buzzed isn't attractive and it drives me crazy how society expects alcohol for a good time.

    So honestly, I think a few drink tickets per person and then everyone is on their own is just fine. Unfortunately, societal expectations differ so you have to offer free booze to everyone lest you get the side eye for not allowing everyone to get plastered on your dime and make idiots of themselves.


    I have never seen anyone on these boards suggest that alcohol is a requirement for good hosting. They have only stated if you are going to have alcohol host it properly. They have stated many times that dry weddings can be just as fun as open bars.


    Everywhere you go, alcohol is considered an "essential" for a social gathering.     It's not just here. And I don't think a dry wedding should be the only other option, I just don't believe that the hosts should have to be on the hook for the stupidity of others, which is what an open bar does. Cash bar puts the onus on the drinker and they will think twice about drinking. At least those in my circle do.
    Not true.  Those in your circle are rude to expect any alcohol.  It is not required anywhere, regardless of how "essential" your friends find it.  Dry weddings are valid.  Repeat: Dry weddings are valid.
    Not in my circle.
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  • notdoingitbythebooknotdoingitbythebook member
    First Comment 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    flbride2015 said:

    notdoingitbythebook said:

    tfmrserwin said:

    notdoingitbythebook said:

    I've seen the "first two tickets are on us and then you're on your own" at a lot of organized parties so I'm not really sure why a wedding suddenly makes it wrong to do but apparently it is. I think offering a certain amount of free booze and then letting people buy their own is perfectly reasonable but then I think that there is entirely too much emphasis on alcohol at social events and I desperately wish people would stop equating alcohol service with good hosting. Honestly, if you believe that you need alcohol to have a good time you're doing something wrong. The event and the people should be the reason why you're having a good time, not how drunk you can get. Being drunk or even buzzed isn't attractive and it drives me crazy how society expects alcohol for a good time.

    So honestly, I think a few drink tickets per person and then everyone is on their own is just fine. Unfortunately, societal expectations differ so you have to offer free booze to everyone lest you get the side eye for not allowing everyone to get plastered on your dime and make idiots of themselves.


    I have never seen anyone on these boards suggest that alcohol is a requirement for good hosting. They have only stated if you are going to have alcohol host it properly. They have stated many times that dry weddings can be just as fun as open bars.
    Everywhere you go, alcohol is considered an "essential" for a social gathering. It's not just here. And I don't think a dry wedding should be the only other option, I just don't believe that the hosts should have to be on the hook for the stupidity of others, which is what an open bar does. Cash bar puts the onus on the drinker and they will think twice about drinking. At least those in my circle do.
    This should not be so hard to understand... A guest should not have to pull out their wallet for anything at your reception. The reception is a thank-you to guests for attending the ceremony. Would you charge your friends for drinks at a dinner party at your house? Or tell them they can have two glasses of wine, but if they want more, they owe you $2?

    To the bolded: This is simply not true. If it were true, you would never see anyone wasted out at bars. If someone wants to get drunk at your cash bar, they will. Having to pay for it isn't going to stop people who want to drink from doing so, but it will cause them to judge you for being a poor host.



    I understand it perfectly. There is nothing for me that is hard to understand. I just DO NOT AGREE WITH IT. We're having the stupid open bar because it's a part of the package at the venue. I don't agree with it, I think those drinking should have some responsibility in what they drink. No other event thrown in our circle expects the host to fund all the beverages consumed... just weddings for some stupid reason. We don't charge for drinks at dinner parties or any parties we throw but they are generally bring your own and I watch like a hawk those who are drinking so that they do not drive or get out of control. But alas, there will be an open bar at my wedding even though I fundamentally disagree with them.

    Honestly, if people judge my hosting abilities by whether or not I have an open bar, there are other issues afoot. There are more important things in life than alcohol.




    Ugh, why? Why don't people want to host properly anymore? I have some friends that sound like yours, everytime they "host" an event it's BYOB and "bring a side dish or dessert". Once, just once, I would like to attend an event at their house where I'm not expected to subsidize it. Why must I help pay for the parties they want to throw???

    I don't do BYOB when I host. I buy all the food myself, I buy all the booze myself, I even buy sodas and juice for the kids and non-drinkers (despite the fact that my family doesn't drink juice or soda). Why? Because I'm inviting people to my home, for a party or dinner I'm choosing to host, and I want them to be comfortable and have a good time. And not have to help me "pay" for it by bringing their own stuff. Why is this not a normal thing anymore? Were people who don't know how to host raised that way?

    The only BYOBs I've "hosted" have been last minute get togethers where everyone just wants to get together somewhere and I offer up my place as an option or if I'm hanging out watching a movie and friends ask if they can come over. That's the only time I'll say "sure, but BYOB. I'll order a pizza."  

    Edited to add: what I should do is learn from my mom and keep a stock of soft drinks and beer in the pantry for impromptu parties. I don't think my mom has ever hosted a BYOB, even when we were dirt poor. 

    Oh FFS. Just because people bring their own beverages doesn't mean that the hosts do not offer anything. It's just how our circle rolls, we all contribute, no matter whose house we're at or how perfectly under control things are. I'm hosting a party on Friday, I have the whole meal under control and FH has laid in some alcoholic beverages but still our friends will bring their own beverages and food to contribute. Because that's what we do. It's never asked, people just do it. It's not that my circle doesn't host properly, we just don't believe in showing up empty handed and not contributing. I won't ask my friends to help clean up afterward, they just will help bring the food back into the house and tidy up before leaving. Because we like to help each other out. I had no idea being generous and helpful was creating a badly hosted event. Sheesh. 
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  • notdoingitbythebooknotdoingitbythebook member
    First Comment 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    lyndausvi said:

    flbride2015 said:

    notdoingitbythebook said:

    tfmrserwin said:

    notdoingitbythebook said:




    I understand it perfectly. There is nothing for me that is hard to understand. I just DO NOT AGREE WITH IT. We're having the stupid open bar because it's a part of the package at the venue. I don't agree with it, I think those drinking should have some responsibility in what they drink. No other event thrown in our circle expects the host to fund all the beverages consumed... just weddings for some stupid reason. We don't charge for drinks at dinner parties or any parties we throw but they are generally bring your own and I watch like a hawk those who are drinking so that they do not drive or get out of control. But alas, there will be an open bar at my wedding even though I fundamentally disagree with them.

    Honestly, if people judge my hosting abilities by whether or not I have an open bar, there are other issues afoot. There are more important things in life than alcohol.




    Ugh, why? Why don't people want to host properly anymore? I have some friends that sound like yours, everytime they "host" an event it's BYOB and "bring a side dish or dessert". Once, just once, I would like to attend an event at their house where I'm not expected to subsidize it. Why must I help pay for the parties they want to throw???

    I don't do BYOB when I host. I buy all the food myself, I buy all the booze myself, I even buy sodas and juice for the kids and non-drinkers (despite the fact that my family doesn't drink juice or soda). Why? Because I'm inviting people to my home, for a party or dinner I'm choosing to host, and I want them to be comfortable and have a good time. And not have to help me "pay" for it by bringing their own stuff. Why is this not a normal thing anymore? Were people who don't know how to host raised that way?

    The only BYOBs I've "hosted" have been last minute get togethers where everyone just wants to get together somewhere and I offer up my place as an option or if I'm hanging out watching a movie and friends ask if they can come over. That's the only time I'll say "sure, but BYOB. I'll order a pizza."  

    Edited to add: what I should do is learn from my mom and keep a stock of soft drinks and beer in the pantry for impromptu parties. I don't think my mom has ever hosted a BYOB, even when we were dirt poor. 


    ---------- PRETEND I'M A BOX ------------------------------------------




    I'm the same way.  I learned it from my family.   My grandma who lived on SS always offered food and drinks as soon as a walked in the door.     To allow her to host, my cousins and me would give her beer, gin and whiskey has christmas gifts.    All my extended family does the same thing.  DH's side (different part of the country) does the same.  


    My parents have a kick-ass liquor cabinet.  My dad doesn't really drink.  Maybe a beer once in a while.  Mom drinks Jack and Coke sometimes, but not often. 

    People know not to bring food to my house when we are hosting.  We do not bring food to homes we were invited to either.  We will bring a bottle of wine as a hostess gift.  But it's NOT expected to be opened while we are there.       DH sometimes brings Grey Goose, but that is mostly last minute get togethers.  For the most part our friends keep it in stock for DH.


    So you go to a house expecting them to stock a favourite drink? How is that not rude and entitled but friends contributing beverage or food is? Mind boggling. 
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  • ohannabelleohannabelle member
    First Answer First Comment First Anniversary 5 Love Its
    edited May 2015
    notdoingitbythebook said: lyndausvi said: flbride2015 said: notdoingitbythebook said: tfmrserwin said: notdoingitbythebook said:


    I understand it perfectly. There is nothing for me that is hard to understand. I just DO NOT AGREE WITH IT. We're having the stupid open bar because it's a part of the package at the venue. I don't agree with it, I think those drinking should have some responsibility in what they drink. No other event thrown in our circle expects the host to fund all the beverages consumed... just weddings for some stupid reason. We don't charge for drinks at dinner parties or any parties we throw but they are generally bring your own and I watch like a hawk those who are drinking so that they do not drive or get out of control. But alas, there will be an open bar at my wedding even though I fundamentally disagree with them. Honestly, if people judge my hosting abilities by whether or not I have an open bar, there are other issues afoot. There are more important things in life than alcohol.



    Ugh, why? Why don't people want to host properly anymore? I have some friends that sound like yours, everytime they "host" an event it's BYOB and "bring a side dish or dessert". Once, just once, I would like to attend an event at their house where I'm not expected to subsidize it. Why must I help pay for the parties they want to throw???I don't do BYOB when I host. I buy all the food myself, I buy all the booze myself, I even buy sodas and juice for the kids and non-drinkers (despite the fact that my family doesn't drink juice or soda). Why? Because I'm inviting people to my home, for a party or dinner I'm choosing to host, and I want them to be comfortable and have a good time. And not have to help me "pay" for it by bringing their own stuff. Why is this not a normal thing anymore? Were people who don't know how to host raised that way?The only BYOBs I've "hosted" have been last minute get togethers where everyone just wants to get together somewhere and I offer up my place as an option or if I'm hanging out watching a movie and friends ask if they can come over. That's the only time I'll say "sure, but BYOB. I'll order a pizza."  Edited to add: what I should do is learn from my mom and keep a stock of soft drinks and beer in the pantry for impromptu parties. I don't think my mom has ever hosted a BYOB, even when we were dirt poor. 
    ---------- PRETEND I'M A BOX ------------------------------------------



    I'm the same way.  I learned it from my family.   My grandma who lived on SS always offered food and drinks as soon as a walked in the door.     To allow her to host, my cousins and me would give her beer, gin and whiskey has christmas gifts.    All my extended family does the same thing.  DH's side (different part of the country) does the same.  

    My parents have a kick-ass liquor cabinet.  My dad doesn't really drink.  Maybe a beer once in a while.  Mom drinks Jack and Coke sometimes, but not often. 
    People know not to bring food to my house when we are hosting.  We do not bring food to homes we were invited to either.  We will bring a bottle of wine as a hostess gift.  But it's NOT expected to be opened while we are there.       DH sometimes brings Grey Goose, but that is mostly last minute get togethers.  For the most part our friends keep it in stock for DH.

    So you go to a house expecting them to stock a favourite drink? How is that not rude and entitled but friends contributing beverage or food is? Mind boggling. 

    SIB


    Where did anyone say it was expected? 
    Nobody said that. There's a big difference between noticing a gracious thing your friends do, and saying you expect them to do that. I do this for my friends. They always express appreciation, because they aren't rude or entitled. They don't call and say, hey I expect you to have A, B, or C. 

    Reading is fundamental. 
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  • notdoingitbythebooknotdoingitbythebook member
    First Comment 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    Reading comprehension is not at issue. At least not for me. 
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  • Jen4948Jen4948 member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    notdoingitbythebook said:

    Reading comprehension is not at issue. At least not for me. 

    Etiquette comprehension is.  And the concept that it's not appropriate to go opposing basic politeness on an etiquette board.  The fact that you don't like this rule of etiquette doesn't invalidate it for you or anyone else.  You and your friends are rude to expect alcohol or anything to be provided that the guests have to pay for, and you are rude to try to control whether or not other people drink it.  If you don't want people to get drunk at your wedding, then don't serve alcohol.  But trying to control its consumption by charging your guests for it is rude and not your job.  End of story.
    Report Reply
  • BrinkyDink16BrinkyDink16 member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment Name Dropper
    @notdoingitbythebook I'm sorry you were overruled on your dry wedding.  I was, not overruled per say, but compromised with FH about having liquor because I originally didn't want to.  We're still working out the details.  I'd say just make your concerns known to your bartender and give them free reign to cut people off or throw them the hell out.

    I find it so odd that people keep referring to the reception as a thank you for your guests for attending their ceremony.  I've always looked at it as the couple throwing a party and inviting people to join them.  FH and I are planning a party based on our likes, tastes, and personalities.  It's a celebration of us!  I don't attend weddings expecting to be catered to.  I attend them with the perspective that it's about the couple so whatever they decided on is awesome and I'm happy just to be there.
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  • SP29SP29 member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    We had an open bar- nobody got stupid. 

    Adults can take care of themselves. And if it's such a problem, dry wedding. 
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  • banana468banana468 member
    First Answer First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment
    notdoingitbythebook said:

    banana468 said:

    notdoingitbythebook said:

    tfmrserwin said:

    notdoingitbythebook said:

    I've seen the "first two tickets are on us and then you're on your own" at a lot of organized parties so I'm not really sure why a wedding suddenly makes it wrong to do but apparently it is. I think offering a certain amount of free booze and then letting people buy their own is perfectly reasonable but then I think that there is entirely too much emphasis on alcohol at social events and I desperately wish people would stop equating alcohol service with good hosting. Honestly, if you believe that you need alcohol to have a good time you're doing something wrong. The event and the people should be the reason why you're having a good time, not how drunk you can get. Being drunk or even buzzed isn't attractive and it drives me crazy how society expects alcohol for a good time.

    So honestly, I think a few drink tickets per person and then everyone is on their own is just fine. Unfortunately, societal expectations differ so you have to offer free booze to everyone lest you get the side eye for not allowing everyone to get plastered on your dime and make idiots of themselves.


    I have never seen anyone on these boards suggest that alcohol is a requirement for good hosting. They have only stated if you are going to have alcohol host it properly. They have stated many times that dry weddings can be just as fun as open bars.
    Everywhere you go, alcohol is considered an "essential" for a social gathering. It's not just here. And I don't think a dry wedding should be the only other option, I just don't believe that the hosts should have to be on the hook for the stupidity of others, which is what an open bar does. Cash bar puts the onus on the drinker and they will think twice about drinking. At least those in my circle do.
    This should not be so hard to understand... A guest should not have to pull out their wallet for anything at your reception. The reception is a thank-you to guests for attending the ceremony. Would you charge your friends for drinks at a dinner party at your house? Or tell them they can have two glasses of wine, but if they want more, they owe you $2?

    To the bolded: This is simply not true. If it were true, you would never see anyone wasted out at bars. If someone wants to get drunk at your cash bar, they will. Having to pay for it isn't going to stop people who want to drink from doing so, but it will cause them to judge you for being a poor host.



    I understand it perfectly. There is nothing for me that is hard to understand. I just DO NOT AGREE WITH IT. We're having the stupid open bar because it's a part of the package at the venue. I don't agree with it, I think those drinking should have some responsibility in what they drink. No other event thrown in our circle expects the host to fund all the beverages consumed... just weddings for some stupid reason. We don't charge for drinks at dinner parties or any parties we throw but they are generally bring your own and I watch like a hawk those who are drinking so that they do not drive or get out of control. But alas, there will be an open bar at my wedding even though I fundamentally disagree with them.

    Honestly, if people judge my hosting abilities by whether or not I have an open bar, there are other issues afoot. There are more important things in life than alcohol.

    You're missing the point.   Most wedding receptions are full of overconsumption.   So where does it end?   You can consume your daily caloric allotment in appetizers alone.   Why is alcohol something that's an extra and rationed by the hosts to the quantities that THEY deem are OK?

    Because I guarantee you that the obesity issue in this country is far and away greater than the quantity of cheap alcoholics who only overindulge when someone else is paying. 


    I disagree that obesity is a bigger problem than alcoholism. In some ways they go hand in hand because alcohol is empty calories. Not to mention the outcome of something going wrong with alcohol is by far greater than overeating. Heart attacks, hypertension, high blood pressure, type II diabetes and mobility issues are all a result of over eating.   And they can all lead to the loss of life.  

    My point is that the obesity issue is an epidemic in this country vs. the issue with alcoholism and yet we're not limiting calories or charging extra for the buttercream frosting.

    If you want to police your guests then police all the things that can be a potential issue.   Cherry picking vices only serves to make you look foolish. 
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  • notdoingitbythebooknotdoingitbythebook member
    First Comment 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited May 2015
    TrixieJess said:

    notdoingitbythebook said:

    lyndausvi said:

    flbride2015 said:

    notdoingitbythebook said:

    tfmrserwin said:

    notdoingitbythebook said:




    I understand it perfectly. There is nothing for me that is hard to understand. I just DO NOT AGREE WITH IT. We're having the stupid open bar because it's a part of the package at the venue. I don't agree with it, I think those drinking should have some responsibility in what they drink. No other event thrown in our circle expects the host to fund all the beverages consumed... just weddings for some stupid reason. We don't charge for drinks at dinner parties or any parties we throw but they are generally bring your own and I watch like a hawk those who are drinking so that they do not drive or get out of control. But alas, there will be an open bar at my wedding even though I fundamentally disagree with them.

    Honestly, if people judge my hosting abilities by whether or not I have an open bar, there are other issues afoot. There are more important things in life than alcohol.




    Ugh, why? Why don't people want to host properly anymore? I have some friends that sound like yours, everytime they "host" an event it's BYOB and "bring a side dish or dessert". Once, just once, I would like to attend an event at their house where I'm not expected to subsidize it. Why must I help pay for the parties they want to throw???

    I don't do BYOB when I host. I buy all the food myself, I buy all the booze myself, I even buy sodas and juice for the kids and non-drinkers (despite the fact that my family doesn't drink juice or soda). Why? Because I'm inviting people to my home, for a party or dinner I'm choosing to host, and I want them to be comfortable and have a good time. And not have to help me "pay" for it by bringing their own stuff. Why is this not a normal thing anymore? Were people who don't know how to host raised that way?

    The only BYOBs I've "hosted" have been last minute get togethers where everyone just wants to get together somewhere and I offer up my place as an option or if I'm hanging out watching a movie and friends ask if they can come over. That's the only time I'll say "sure, but BYOB. I'll order a pizza."  

    Edited to add: what I should do is learn from my mom and keep a stock of soft drinks and beer in the pantry for impromptu parties. I don't think my mom has ever hosted a BYOB, even when we were dirt poor. 


    ---------- PRETEND I'M A BOX ------------------------------------------




    I'm the same way.  I learned it from my family.   My grandma who lived on SS always offered food and drinks as soon as a walked in the door.     To allow her to host, my cousins and me would give her beer, gin and whiskey has christmas gifts.    All my extended family does the same thing.  DH's side (different part of the country) does the same.  


    My parents have a kick-ass liquor cabinet.  My dad doesn't really drink.  Maybe a beer once in a while.  Mom drinks Jack and Coke sometimes, but not often. 

    People know not to bring food to my house when we are hosting.  We do not bring food to homes we were invited to either.  We will bring a bottle of wine as a hostess gift.  But it's NOT expected to be opened while we are there.       DH sometimes brings Grey Goose, but that is mostly last minute get togethers.  For the most part our friends keep it in stock for DH.
    So you go to a house expecting them to stock a favourite drink? How is that not rude and entitled but friends contributing beverage or food is? Mind boggling. 


    ---------uggBOXES----------


    I as a hostess try and find out what my friends drink and keep it on hand. The same goes for when we go to other people's houses. FI is vegan, we often get asked for what he can and cannot have, that is being a proper host.

    You are micromanaging. If YOU have issues with alcohol, maybe you should discuss this with someone. Your deep dislike for people who drink and drink to excess scream "child of alcoholic". What if your FI gets drunk on your wedding night? How are you going to manage that? Or is he one of the people you will be "watching like a hawk?"

    ETA: stupid boxes




    I'm a vegetarian, I never expect a host to cater just to me. I always offer to bring something to contribute because most people in our circles are not vegetarian. I don't think it's fair to make someone who is not vegetarian cook something just for me when the remainder of the group is not. I think it would be rude to show up at a person's house and demand they feed me something special that's off menu.

    He knows to not get stupid drunk at our wedding, We all watch out for each other. Not sure how watching my guests and making sure they don't drink and drive is micromanaging, but alrighty. You guys sure like to live in boxes that no one else can even remotely change.

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  • BrinkyDink16BrinkyDink16 member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment Name Dropper
    lyndausvi said:



    I find it so odd that people keep referring to the reception as a thank you for your guests for attending their ceremony.  I've always looked at it as the couple throwing a party and inviting people to join them.  FH and I are planning a party based on our likes, tastes, and personalities.  It's a celebration of us!  I don't attend weddings expecting to be catered to.  I attend them with the perspective that it's about the couple so whatever they decided on is awesome and I'm happy just to be there.


    well you would be wrong.


    Receptions are to thank your guest for witnessing your union.   




    I also always thought that personal opinions couldn't be "wrong" because an opinion is a personal view or attitude.
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  • notdoingitbythebooknotdoingitbythebook member
    First Comment 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    LondonLisa said:

    Watching your guests like a hawk? Having strict rules everyone has to follow? You sound like loads of fun at a party...

    But in all honesty, it sounds like you need new friends- if you are so disgusted by people drinking and their behaviour. If you believe so strongly to the point where you make everyone bow to your rules and you will be uncomfortable, have a dry wedding. I don't drink that much, but I realise other people are adults and can make decisions on their own. I also TRUST my friends and family to make good choices. You seem to not trust your friends in the slightest which begs the question: why are you friends?

    I have been to plenty of dry weddings, and had a great time. It sounds like you need a new circle if you are just sitting at every party with cat butt face, judging people.

    Yeah, that's it, I'm sitting there cat face judging people. Not. As I host with my smart serve certification, I watch consumption so that no one does anything stupid. And people know that. They are grown ups and the vast majority of them know how to drink properly so they don't get blotto but there are still a handful that think they are teenagers in their first year of college and that getting fall down drunk is cool. And no I rarely hang out with those morons anymore because our priorities have changed. But even those who drink responsibly still should be careful and as a host I need to make sure they are safe and responsible, if they drink they don't drive. Period. I can't believe you guys are tearing me apart for that. But whatever. You guys think whatever the hell you want. I know what I am doing is right, so do my friends. If you let your guests get pissed drunk at your house or wedding and then let them make stupid choices, that's on you.
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  • notdoingitbythebooknotdoingitbythebook member
    First Comment 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    banana468 said:

    notdoingitbythebook said:

    banana468 said:

    notdoingitbythebook said:

    tfmrserwin said:

    notdoingitbythebook said:

    I've seen the "first two tickets are on us and then you're on your own" at a lot of organized parties so I'm not really sure why a wedding suddenly makes it wrong to do but apparently it is. I think offering a certain amount of free booze and then letting people buy their own is perfectly reasonable but then I think that there is entirely too much emphasis on alcohol at social events and I desperately wish people would stop equating alcohol service with good hosting. Honestly, if you believe that you need alcohol to have a good time you're doing something wrong. The event and the people should be the reason why you're having a good time, not how drunk you can get. Being drunk or even buzzed isn't attractive and it drives me crazy how society expects alcohol for a good time.

    So honestly, I think a few drink tickets per person and then everyone is on their own is just fine. Unfortunately, societal expectations differ so you have to offer free booze to everyone lest you get the side eye for not allowing everyone to get plastered on your dime and make idiots of themselves.


    I have never seen anyone on these boards suggest that alcohol is a requirement for good hosting. They have only stated if you are going to have alcohol host it properly. They have stated many times that dry weddings can be just as fun as open bars.
    Everywhere you go, alcohol is considered an "essential" for a social gathering. It's not just here. And I don't think a dry wedding should be the only other option, I just don't believe that the hosts should have to be on the hook for the stupidity of others, which is what an open bar does. Cash bar puts the onus on the drinker and they will think twice about drinking. At least those in my circle do.
    This should not be so hard to understand... A guest should not have to pull out their wallet for anything at your reception. The reception is a thank-you to guests for attending the ceremony. Would you charge your friends for drinks at a dinner party at your house? Or tell them they can have two glasses of wine, but if they want more, they owe you $2?

    To the bolded: This is simply not true. If it were true, you would never see anyone wasted out at bars. If someone wants to get drunk at your cash bar, they will. Having to pay for it isn't going to stop people who want to drink from doing so, but it will cause them to judge you for being a poor host.



    I understand it perfectly. There is nothing for me that is hard to understand. I just DO NOT AGREE WITH IT. We're having the stupid open bar because it's a part of the package at the venue. I don't agree with it, I think those drinking should have some responsibility in what they drink. No other event thrown in our circle expects the host to fund all the beverages consumed... just weddings for some stupid reason. We don't charge for drinks at dinner parties or any parties we throw but they are generally bring your own and I watch like a hawk those who are drinking so that they do not drive or get out of control. But alas, there will be an open bar at my wedding even though I fundamentally disagree with them.

    Honestly, if people judge my hosting abilities by whether or not I have an open bar, there are other issues afoot. There are more important things in life than alcohol.

    You're missing the point.   Most wedding receptions are full of overconsumption.   So where does it end?   You can consume your daily caloric allotment in appetizers alone.   Why is alcohol something that's an extra and rationed by the hosts to the quantities that THEY deem are OK?

    Because I guarantee you that the obesity issue in this country is far and away greater than the quantity of cheap alcoholics who only overindulge when someone else is paying. 
    I disagree that obesity is a bigger problem than alcoholism. In some ways they go hand in hand because alcohol is empty calories. Not to mention the outcome of something going wrong with alcohol is by far greater than overeating. Heart attacks, hypertension, high blood pressure, type II diabetes and mobility issues are all a result of over eating.   And they can all lead to the loss of life.  

    My point is that the obesity issue is an epidemic in this country vs. the issue with alcoholism and yet we're not limiting calories or charging extra for the buttercream frosting.

    If you want to police your guests then police all the things that can be a potential issue.   Cherry picking vices only serves to make you look foolish. 



    I don't expect anything less from you to be honest. It blows my mind that you cannot bear another viewpoint.

    I'm not cherry picking my vices but you go ahead and think that. I'm pretty sure we have the same opinion of each other.

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  • notdoingitbythebooknotdoingitbythebook member
    First Comment 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    lyndausvi said:

    BrinkyDink16 said:

    @notdoingitbythebook I'm sorry you were overruled on your dry wedding.  I was, not overruled per say, but compromised with FH about having liquor because I originally didn't want to.  We're still working out the details.  I'd say just make your concerns known to your bartender and give them free reign to cut people off or throw them the hell out.

    I find it so odd that people keep referring to the reception as a thank you for your guests for attending their ceremony.  I've always looked at it as the couple throwing a party and inviting people to join them.  FH and I are planning a party based on our likes, tastes, and personalities.  It's a celebration of us!  I don't attend weddings expecting to be catered to.  I attend them with the perspective that it's about the couple so whatever they decided on is awesome and I'm happy just to be there.

    well you would be wrong.


    Receptions are to thank your guest for witnessing your union.   


    That may be what it is supposed to be but I know few people who consider it as such.
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  • banana468banana468 member
    First Answer First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment
    notdoingitbythebook said:

    banana468 said:

    notdoingitbythebook said:

    banana468 said:

    notdoingitbythebook said:

    tfmrserwin said:

    notdoingitbythebook said:

    I've seen the "first two tickets are on us and then you're on your own" at a lot of organized parties so I'm not really sure why a wedding suddenly makes it wrong to do but apparently it is. I think offering a certain amount of free booze and then letting people buy their own is perfectly reasonable but then I think that there is entirely too much emphasis on alcohol at social events and I desperately wish people would stop equating alcohol service with good hosting. Honestly, if you believe that you need alcohol to have a good time you're doing something wrong. The event and the people should be the reason why you're having a good time, not how drunk you can get. Being drunk or even buzzed isn't attractive and it drives me crazy how society expects alcohol for a good time.

    So honestly, I think a few drink tickets per person and then everyone is on their own is just fine. Unfortunately, societal expectations differ so you have to offer free booze to everyone lest you get the side eye for not allowing everyone to get plastered on your dime and make idiots of themselves.


    I have never seen anyone on these boards suggest that alcohol is a requirement for good hosting. They have only stated if you are going to have alcohol host it properly. They have stated many times that dry weddings can be just as fun as open bars.
    Everywhere you go, alcohol is considered an "essential" for a social gathering. It's not just here. And I don't think a dry wedding should be the only other option, I just don't believe that the hosts should have to be on the hook for the stupidity of others, which is what an open bar does. Cash bar puts the onus on the drinker and they will think twice about drinking. At least those in my circle do.
    This should not be so hard to understand... A guest should not have to pull out their wallet for anything at your reception. The reception is a thank-you to guests for attending the ceremony. Would you charge your friends for drinks at a dinner party at your house? Or tell them they can have two glasses of wine, but if they want more, they owe you $2?

    To the bolded: This is simply not true. If it were true, you would never see anyone wasted out at bars. If someone wants to get drunk at your cash bar, they will. Having to pay for it isn't going to stop people who want to drink from doing so, but it will cause them to judge you for being a poor host.



    I understand it perfectly. There is nothing for me that is hard to understand. I just DO NOT AGREE WITH IT. We're having the stupid open bar because it's a part of the package at the venue. I don't agree with it, I think those drinking should have some responsibility in what they drink. No other event thrown in our circle expects the host to fund all the beverages consumed... just weddings for some stupid reason. We don't charge for drinks at dinner parties or any parties we throw but they are generally bring your own and I watch like a hawk those who are drinking so that they do not drive or get out of control. But alas, there will be an open bar at my wedding even though I fundamentally disagree with them.

    Honestly, if people judge my hosting abilities by whether or not I have an open bar, there are other issues afoot. There are more important things in life than alcohol.

    You're missing the point.   Most wedding receptions are full of overconsumption.   So where does it end?   You can consume your daily caloric allotment in appetizers alone.   Why is alcohol something that's an extra and rationed by the hosts to the quantities that THEY deem are OK?

    Because I guarantee you that the obesity issue in this country is far and away greater than the quantity of cheap alcoholics who only overindulge when someone else is paying. 
    I disagree that obesity is a bigger problem than alcoholism. In some ways they go hand in hand because alcohol is empty calories. Not to mention the outcome of something going wrong with alcohol is by far greater than overeating. 
    Heart attacks, hypertension, high blood pressure, type II diabetes and mobility issues are all a result of over eating.   And they can all lead to the loss of life.  

    My point is that the obesity issue is an epidemic in this country vs. the issue with alcoholism and yet we're not limiting calories or charging extra for the buttercream frosting.

    If you want to police your guests then police all the things that can be a potential issue.   Cherry picking vices only serves to make you look foolish. 



    I don't expect anything less from you to be honest. It blows my mind that you cannot bear another viewpoint.

    I'm not cherry picking my vices but you go ahead and think that. I'm pretty sure we have the same opinion of each other.

    I can understand plenty of viewpoints if there is an argument that is well supported.   

    And to your other point, plenty of people may not consider the reception to be for the guests but that doesn't change the fact that they ARE for the guests.

    You can think of your tax refund as a present but really it's just your money.   That isn't a point of view.   It's fact. 
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  • littlepeplittlepep member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    BrinkyDink16 said:

    We've thought about several ways to limit consumption, not because of the money but because of potential problem drinkers of which there are a couple on each side of the family.  A couple options we came up with were.


    Just beer / wine.  No liquor of any type.

    Drink tickets.  We were thinking seven per guest because it's a seven hour reception.

    Having just a few signature mixed drinks but the majority beer / wine.

    Some general rules for the bartender like no shots, keep the drinks standard (not too strong), no doubles, mixed drinks only (no straight ups).

    Some combination of the above ideas.

    We haven't truly decided on anything yet, but those are the options we're considering right now. All have their pros and cons of course so they merit more discussion before we decide for certain.

    Why on earth is your reception 7 hours?!! What are you doing for that long?? If people are drinking, they will probably get tired and leave or get super wasted. Even if they aren't drinking, I can't imagine hanging around for 7 hours. I'd get bored. 
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  • littlepeplittlepep member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    notdoingitbythebook said:

    notdoingitbythebook said:

    I've seen the "first two tickets are on us and then you're on your own" at a lot of organized parties so I'm not really sure why a wedding suddenly makes it wrong to do but apparently it is. I think offering a certain amount of free booze and then letting people buy their own is perfectly reasonable but then I think that there is entirely too much emphasis on alcohol at social events and I desperately wish people would stop equating alcohol service with good hosting. Honestly, if you believe that you need alcohol to have a good time you're doing something wrong. The event and the people should be the reason why you're having a good time, not how drunk you can get. Being drunk or even buzzed isn't attractive and it drives me crazy how society expects alcohol for a good time.

    So honestly, I think a few drink tickets per person and then everyone is on their own is just fine. Unfortunately, societal expectations differ so you have to offer free booze to everyone lest you get the side eye for not allowing everyone to get plastered on your dime and make idiots of themselves.


    I have never seen anyone on these boards suggest that alcohol is a requirement for good hosting. They have only stated if you are going to have alcohol host it properly. They have stated many times that dry weddings can be just as fun as open bars.
    Everywhere you go, alcohol is considered an "essential" for a social gathering. It's not just here. And I don't think a dry wedding should be the only other option, I just don't believe that the hosts should have to be on the hook for the stupidity of others, which is what an open bar does. Cash bar puts the onus on the drinker and they will think twice about drinking. At least those in my circle do.


    Nope. I'm just going to be annoyed while I drink or I will leave and go drink my own wine at home. 
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  • BrinkyDink16BrinkyDink16 member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment Name Dropper
    edited May 2015
    littlepep said:

    BrinkyDink16 said:

    We've thought about several ways to limit consumption, not because of the money but because of potential problem drinkers of which there are a couple on each side of the family.  A couple options we came up with were.


    Just beer / wine.  No liquor of any type.

    Drink tickets.  We were thinking seven per guest because it's a seven hour reception.

    Having just a few signature mixed drinks but the majority beer / wine.

    Some general rules for the bartender like no shots, keep the drinks standard (not too strong), no doubles, mixed drinks only (no straight ups).

    Some combination of the above ideas.

    We haven't truly decided on anything yet, but those are the options we're considering right now. All have their pros and cons of course so they merit more discussion before we decide for certain.

    Why on earth is your reception 7 hours?!! What are you doing for that long?? If people are drinking, they will probably get tired and leave or get super wasted. Even if they aren't drinking, I can't imagine hanging around for 7 hours. I'd get bored. 
    Well our cocktail hour / appetizers are from 5 to 6.  At 6 we're doing our entrance, dances, cake cutting, toasts, and then having dinner which will probably wrap up in the 7 to 7:30 range.  Then there'll be dancing from whenever dinner ends to about 9 which is when we'll add in the Karaoke. Karaoke will be interspersed with dancing from then to midnight.

    My FHs friends are all in their thirties but can party like they're still in college.  Many parties last until the sun comes up so cutting it off at midnight is actually pretty early but that's when the DJ wraps up.  We have our venue booked for three days so if people are still there and want to hang out past the official end time that's cool too.  I'm calling bar time on it so last call is at 1:00, everyone out by 2:00.  Naturally we'll be playing it by ear too.  If there ends up being only a handful of people left between 10 and 11 we'll have the DJ wrap it up early.  We're just going to go with the flow.
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  • notdoingitbythebooknotdoingitbythebook member
    First Comment 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    TrixieJess said:

    notdoingitbythebook said:

    notdoingitbythebook said:

    lyndausvi said:

    flbride2015 said:

    notdoingitbythebook said:

    tfmrserwin said:

    notdoingitbythebook said:




    I understand it perfectly. There is nothing for me that is hard to understand. I just DO NOT AGREE WITH IT. We're having the stupid open bar because it's a part of the package at the venue. I don't agree with it, I think those drinking should have some responsibility in what they drink. No other event thrown in our circle expects the host to fund all the beverages consumed... just weddings for some stupid reason. We don't charge for drinks at dinner parties or any parties we throw but they are generally bring your own and I watch like a hawk those who are drinking so that they do not drive or get out of control. But alas, there will be an open bar at my wedding even though I fundamentally disagree with them.

    Honestly, if people judge my hosting abilities by whether or not I have an open bar, there are other issues afoot. There are more important things in life than alcohol.




    Ugh, why? Why don't people want to host properly anymore? I have some friends that sound like yours, everytime they "host" an event it's BYOB and "bring a side dish or dessert". Once, just once, I would like to attend an event at their house where I'm not expected to subsidize it. Why must I help pay for the parties they want to throw???

    I don't do BYOB when I host. I buy all the food myself, I buy all the booze myself, I even buy sodas and juice for the kids and non-drinkers (despite the fact that my family doesn't drink juice or soda). Why? Because I'm inviting people to my home, for a party or dinner I'm choosing to host, and I want them to be comfortable and have a good time. And not have to help me "pay" for it by bringing their own stuff. Why is this not a normal thing anymore? Were people who don't know how to host raised that way?

    The only BYOBs I've "hosted" have been last minute get togethers where everyone just wants to get together somewhere and I offer up my place as an option or if I'm hanging out watching a movie and friends ask if they can come over. That's the only time I'll say "sure, but BYOB. I'll order a pizza."  

    Edited to add: what I should do is learn from my mom and keep a stock of soft drinks and beer in the pantry for impromptu parties. I don't think my mom has ever hosted a BYOB, even when we were dirt poor. 


    ---------- PRETEND I'M A BOX ------------------------------------------




    I'm the same way.  I learned it from my family.   My grandma who lived on SS always offered food and drinks as soon as a walked in the door.     To allow her to host, my cousins and me would give her beer, gin and whiskey has christmas gifts.    All my extended family does the same thing.  DH's side (different part of the country) does the same.  


    My parents have a kick-ass liquor cabinet.  My dad doesn't really drink.  Maybe a beer once in a while.  Mom drinks Jack and Coke sometimes, but not often. 

    People know not to bring food to my house when we are hosting.  We do not bring food to homes we were invited to either.  We will bring a bottle of wine as a hostess gift.  But it's NOT expected to be opened while we are there.       DH sometimes brings Grey Goose, but that is mostly last minute get togethers.  For the most part our friends keep it in stock for DH.
    So you go to a house expecting them to stock a favourite drink? How is that not rude and entitled but friends contributing beverage or food is? Mind boggling. 

    ---------uggBOXES----------


    I as a hostess try and find out what my friends drink and keep it on hand. The same goes for when we go to other people's houses. FI is vegan, we often get asked for what he can and cannot have, that is being a proper host.

    You are micromanaging. If YOU have issues with alcohol, maybe you should discuss this with someone. Your deep dislike for people who drink and drink to excess scream "child of alcoholic". What if your FI gets drunk on your wedding night? How are you going to manage that? Or is he one of the people you will be "watching like a hawk?"

    ETA: stupid boxes




    I'm a vegetarian, I never expect a host to cater just to me. I always offer to bring something to contribute because most people in our circles are not vegetarian. I don't think it's fair to make someone who is not vegetarian cook something just for me when the remainder of the group is not. I think it would be rude to show up at a person's house and demand they feed me something special that's off menu.

    He knows to not get stupid drunk at our wedding, We all watch out for each other. Not sure how watching my guests and making sure they don't drink and drive is micromanaging, but alrighty. You guys sure like to live in boxes that no one else can even remotely change.

    Then you are not friends with grown-ups. I have had friends who are vegans, vegetarians, celiacs, Jewish, etc. I have catered to all of their dietary needs as a hostess, it's what you do as a GOOD HOST. Just because you and your friends were not brought up to host people properly in your homes does not mean that it's not proper. We are letting you know that it is incorrect for you to not host your guests properly. 

    You seem very young, the more you post, the younger you seem. You also talk about how that's not the way that it's done where I am. Maybe you should explore the world a little more and get out of your circle and see how things are done by other people in other situations. Your little corner of the world doesn't seem very worldly.

    ETA: You have a Smart Serve certificate, good for you. So do I, I can guarantee that mine is older than you are. I've been bartending since 1995. I've worked in Bars since then too and seen stuff you can only imagine. BTW, since anyone can get their Smart Serve online, it's not a great feat. I had to spend two days doing a class and a written test since I did it in the days before the internet.



    Bully for your for bartending since 1995 and seeing all kinds of things that I am fairly sure that I have seen as well. Want a cookie for being so special? I did it in Culinary School, also long before the internet... so again want a cookie?

    I learned hosting from my family and from trained service people. I know how to host. I just host differently from you do, but I guarantee my guests are hosted very well. We just don't have our noses in the air expecting superficial nonsense.

    I cater to my friends who have dietary restrictions because I can, but not everyone has that ability. I don't expect anyone to cater to my dietary restrictions because that's self-centered and rude, particurlarly if they do not have experience with vegetarian cuisine. Since I have the training and knowledge, I offer to help them out. If they don't want the help, I don't do anything other than show up. Most of the time they do want the help, and I gladly help them out. Why wouldn't I? That's what friends and family do for each other, Help. Even when hosting.

    I'm not young, but thanks for the "compliment". Can I say that you sound like a stuck up snob who can't see beyond the tip of her nose and expects everyone to do everything in the exact manner that you do it else they be labeled uncouth, young and inexperienced? No, that would be rude.Funny how on an etiquette board you have no problem easily breaking one of the basic rules of etiquette. However, I've learned that etiquette on this board is subjective. All good.

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