Choosing MOH

anrforanr · May 2015

Being MOH, or any bridesmaid, is an honor, not a job. You should choose your MOH as someone who you are very close to and want standing right beside you on your wedding day, not someone who will plan the best parties.

You could also consider having both be co-MOH's. Or if one is married and one is not you could have a Matron of Honor and a Maid of Honor.

thespeshulestsnowflake · May 2015

meganjoneswpb said:
Hi everyone!

I've hit a dilemma - I'm not sure who to pick as my MOH.

Option 1: The girl I consider my best friend, and have since we were 5. We've grown apart some in the last few years, but we still get together every month or so. I can tell her anything, she knows me inside and out. However, she is VERY shy and definitely an introvert. She is not the party planning type, and I can't see her stepping up in any sort to make any decisions unless I verbally tell her what exactly to do. Basically, she is my truest friend, but I'm not sure that she is MOH material.

Option 2: My only close friend who has been married. We are fairly close and have lots of fun together. I can see her being exactly what I'd like my MOH to be, but I wouldn't go as far to call her my best friend. She is who I am leaning towards.

Advice would be greatly appreciated! Is it wrong to pick a MOH based on her experience? Should I just pick option 1 because she has been my true friend for so long, even if she won't make a great MOH?

All a MOH (and BM) has to do is show up sober(ish) and in a dress you picked out from the budget she set. So if one is better at being sober(ish) in a dress, pick that one. Otherwise pick your closest friend.

zitiqueen · May 2015

What, in your opinion, is MOH material?

CMGragain · May 2015

meganjoneswpb said:
Hi everyone!

I've hit a dilemma - I'm not sure who to pick as my MOH.

Option 1: The girl I consider my best friend, and have since we were 5. We've grown apart some in the last few years, but we still get together every month or so. I can tell her anything, she knows me inside and out. However, she is VERY shy and definitely an introvert. She is not the party planning type, and I can't see her stepping up in any sort to make any decisions unless I verbally tell her what exactly to do. Basically, she is my truest friend, but I'm not sure that she is MOH material.

Option 2: My only close friend who has been married. We are fairly close and have lots of fun together. I can see her being exactly what I'd like my MOH to be, but I wouldn't go as far to call her my best friend. She is who I am leaning towards.

Advice would be greatly appreciated! Is it wrong to pick a MOH based on her experience? Should I just pick option 1 because she has been my true friend for so long, even if she won't make a great MOH?

Your maid of honor is the lady whom you wish to honor by having her stand next to you as you say your vows.
Your maid of honor is NOT your unpaid wedding planner. She is not obligated to plan any parties or showers for you, though she can if she wishes. She is not supposed to help you address envelopes, make decorations, or centerpieces.
Your maid of honor is supposed to show up on time, sober, and dressed in the dress you helped her choose. She is supposed to smile and pose for pictures. She holds your bouquet during the ring exchange.
Now, knowing all this, who do you want to be your maid of honor?

Maggie0829 · May 2015

Picking a MOH...you are doing it wrong.

MyNameIsNot · May 2015

MOH is about your closest friend, not the one you think would do the most for you.

Number one is the clear answer. Expecting anyone to "step up in any sort to make any decisions" is wrong.

frenchiekin · May 2015

Yeeeeeahhhhh.... sorry OP, but you're going about this all wrong. Just think of it from the perspective of your BFF. Her closest friend decided to honor someone else over her because she is introverted and wouldn't be good at throwing showers or helping with DIY wedding crafts. It's just not an awesome way to treat your best friend.

The choice of who to ask to be your MOH should be a no-brainer in most cases, and in this one it's your BFF. You are worried that she won't make a great MOH, but IMHO it will be just the opposite. She'll make a great MOH because she is your dearest friend and will be standing by your side in support and love for you on your wedding day. Don't let the fake demands of the wedding industry cloud your better judgment here!

littlepep · May 2015

meganjoneswpb said:
Hi everyone!

I've hit a dilemma - I'm not sure who to pick as my MOH.

Option 1: The girl I consider my best friend, and have since we were 5. We've grown apart some in the last few years, but we still get together every month or so. I can tell her anything, she knows me inside and out. However, she is VERY shy and definitely an introvert. She is not the party planning type, and I can't see her stepping up in any sort to make any decisions unless I verbally tell her what exactly to do. Basically, she is my truest friend, but I'm not sure that she is MOH material.

Option 2: My only close friend who has been married. We are fairly close and have lots of fun together. I can see her being exactly what I'd like my MOH to be, but I wouldn't go as far to call her my best friend. She is who I am leaning towards.

Advice would be greatly appreciated! Is it wrong to pick a MOH based on her experience? Should I just pick option 1 because she has been my true friend for so long, even if she won't make a great MOH?

I cannot with this.

southernbelle0915 · May 2015

I would go with Option 1. You say she's your "truest friend". Why on earth wouldn't you want to give your truest friend the most honorary title?

[Deleted User] · May 2015

"Truest friend, will you wear a pretty dress and stand next to me when I get married? Will you smile in pictures we take to commemorate the day? In short, will you be my Maid of Honor?"

levioosa · May 2015

Your post is gross and you should feel bad. A MOH is supposed to be your nearest and dearest. She's not a bridal bitch meant to plan parties for you and pay and plan for things. You aren't entitled to any parties, and any planning and DIY projects should be done by you and your FI.

lovemesomemonster · May 2015

To me this isn't even a decision, you go with the best friend.. sounds to me like you are doing more of an interview for a job than honoring your closest friend. I can't even get into more advice than that, this is making me sad for your friends.

swagandmoxie · May 2015

I have a married daughter and an unmarried daughter. One is older, more dependable and makes more money- not that those things matter- I love them both and want them both by my side. My married daughter will be my Matron-of-Honor and my unmarried daughter is my Maid-of-Honor. Why don't you just do that with your 2 friends?

TheArtemisMoon · May 2015

I had a similar situation until I decided to forego the wedding party and just have the ring bearer and flower girl. But if you really want a full wedding party, I'd draw names.

erinlin25 · May 2015

meganjoneswpb said:
Hi everyone!

I've hit a dilemma - I'm not sure who to pick as my MOH.

Option 1: The girl I consider my best friend, and have since we were 5. We've grown apart some in the last few years, but we still get together every month or so. I can tell her anything, she knows me inside and out. However, she is VERY shy and definitely an introvert. She is not the party planning type, and I can't see her stepping up in any sort to make any decisions unless I verbally tell her what exactly to do. Basically, she is my truest friend, but I'm not sure that she is MOH material.

Option 2: My only close friend who has been married. We are fairly close and have lots of fun together. I can see her being exactly what I'd like my MOH to be, but I wouldn't go as far to call her my best friend. She is who I am leaning towards.

Advice would be greatly appreciated! Is it wrong to pick a MOH based on her experience? Should I just pick option 1 because she has been my true friend for so long, even if she won't make a great MOH?

that is a horrible thing to say about your "truest friend." Please pick the person that means the most to you, not the person who will DO the most for you. The MOH does not have to plan any parties or anything a bridesmaid would not/ could not do. Even a non wedding party person can choose to host a party. If MOH wants to host something she will. The two of them can host something together if they would like. Or your bridesmaid can host a party if MOH does not want to. The options are endless, so please do not base your pick over who will host a party.

I did not have a MOH because I did not feel the need to choose which one of my friends was better. I had 5 bridesmaids. My mom's best friends hosted my bridal shower. My 3 best friends (who were all bridesmaids) hosted my bachelorette party.

thespeshulestsnowflake · May 2015

TheArtemisMoon said:
I had a similar situation until I decided to forego the wedding party and just have the ring bearer and flower girl. But if you really want a full wedding party, I'd draw names.

What?!?! No.

AddieCake · May 2015

Pick the prettiest one.

drunkenwitch · May 2015

I have found that all natural cotton is the best MOH material. It breathes nicely and It takes the dye.

Knottie03777613 · May 2015

I didn't ask anyone to be my MOH, I just asked them all to be bridesmaids. I was torn about choosing between my sister and my cousin, as I am close to my cousin, but she is my sister. No one was offended by it. Without any direction from me (and in fact I made a slight protest because I feel weird about it), my cousin planned a bridal shower for me and my bachelorette party. My sister and I aren't very close, so it wasn't strange at all for me to pick my cousin as my MOH instead of my sister, and everyone is happy and no one is offended.

At my sister's wedding, she had another friend for her MOH and then the priest said something about me standing next to her and I ended up doing it and it was pretty uncomfortable but nobody wanted to say anything to the priest (I figured it was my sister's place, not mine, to say something if she disagreed) so I was in that spot even though it was weird and I wasn't really supposed to be.

How far off from the wedding are you? Do you have to decide right now? Sometimes, things just play out, like in the two situations I described above...

thegowoman · May 2015

I know how you feel, and don't listen to the people above saying that you're post is gross and that you're a bad person. It's a tough decision and I know it's not all about the "party planning". Think about the women who is going to be next to your side on your wedding day bustling your dress, getting you snacks during cocktail hour and bringing you water all night. Now think about the girl who can plan a fun bachelorette weekend (your last fling as a single women). This doesn't mean it has to be a drunken night or strippers, this could be an innocent weekend in Disneyland. Which of the two can will be equally attentive to YOU in both situations? This day is all about you and if you have to keep dictating what needs to be done you'll regret it. My MOH was absent the whole morning of my wedding, more worried about her things that needed to be done (hair, makeup, kids, etc.) than if I needed anything while I was getting ready. Luckily my other bridesmaids really stepped up, but in the end I really wished I had had someone else next to me in the pictures.

I'm not sure if this helps you narrow it down or makes it harder, but just know you're not alone in how you feel.

If all else fails and I've offered zero help; have #1 be your MOH but have a discussion with her about letting #2 help plan the bachelorette.

lnixon8 · May 2015

It is no ones job to get you snacks. I expect my day to be hectic but something is seriously wrong with your timeline and planning if you cant go to your purse and grab a granola bar.

MyNameIsNot · May 2015

thegowoman said:
I know how you feel, and don't listen to the people above saying that you're post is gross and that you're a bad person. It's a tough decision and I know it's not all about the "party planning". Think about the women who is going to be next to your side on your wedding day bustling your dress, getting you snacks during cocktail hour and bringing you water all night. Now think about the girl who can plan a fun bachelorette weekend (your last fling as a single women). This doesn't mean it has to be a drunken night or strippers, this could be an innocent weekend in Disneyland. Which of the two can will be equally attentive to YOU in both situations? This day is all about you and if you have to keep dictating what needs to be done you'll regret it. My MOH was absent the whole morning of my wedding, more worried about her things that needed to be done (hair, makeup, kids, etc.) than if I needed anything while I was getting ready. Luckily my other bridesmaids really stepped up, but in the end I really wished I had had someone else next to me in the pictures.

I'm not sure if this helps you narrow it down or makes it harder, but just know you're not alone in how you feel.

If all else fails and I've offered zero help; have #1 be your MOH but have a discussion with her about letting #2 help plan the bachelorette.

Everything you just said is exactly what is wrong with people, especially the bolded. You should be ashamed of even thinking that about your MOH, much less saying it out loud.

MOH is about honoring your closest friend, not about the person who can do the most for you. She already said #1 was her BFF. Case closed. This is not hard.

You clearly do not understand what honoring friendship means.

[Deleted User] · May 2015

thegowoman said:
I know how you feel, and don't listen to the people above saying that you're post is gross and that you're a bad person. It's a tough decision and I know it's not all about the "party planning". Think about the women who is going to be next to your side on your wedding day bustling your dress, getting you snacks during cocktail hour and bringing you water all night. Now think about the girl who can plan a fun bachelorette weekend (your last fling as a single women). This doesn't mean it has to be a drunken night or strippers, this could be an innocent weekend in Disneyland. Which of the two can will be equally attentive to YOU in both situations? This day is all about you and if you have to keep dictating what needs to be done you'll regret it. My MOH was absent the whole morning of my wedding, more worried about her things that needed to be done (hair, makeup, kids, etc.) than if I needed anything while I was getting ready. Luckily my other bridesmaids really stepped up, but in the end I really wished I had had someone else next to me in the pictures.

I'm not sure if this helps you narrow it down or makes it harder, but just know you're not alone in how you feel.

If all else fails and I've offered zero help; have #1 be your MOH but have a discussion with her about letting #2 help plan the bachelorette.

This whole post is gross. I can't believe you're complaining that your MOH had the audacity to take care of her own children on your wedding day rather than being at your beck and call, bringing you water and snacks. And because she took care of her minor children rather than the special snowflake bride that it makes you regret she was standing next to you in all the pictures.

PrettyGirlLost · May 2015

TheArtemisMoon said:
I had a similar situation until I decided to forego the wedding party and just have the ring bearer and flower girl. But if you really want a full wedding party, I'd draw names.

Or she could just ask both friends to be her MOH since the title is meaningless outside of a ceremonial role of honor, unless she's having a Catholic ceremony. In which case one MOH and a Best Man would stand at the altar with her and her FI during the ceremony.

Other than that, all BMs do the exact same thing during a wedding ceremony and afterwards.

NowIAmSyp · May 2015

thegowoman said:
I know how you feel, and don't listen to the people above saying that you're post is gross and that you're a bad person. It's a tough decision and I know it's not all about the "party planning". Think about the women who is going to be next to your side on your wedding day bustling your dress, getting you snacks during cocktail hour and bringing you water all night. Now think about the girl who can plan a fun bachelorette weekend (your last fling as a single women). This doesn't mean it has to be a drunken night or strippers, this could be an innocent weekend in Disneyland. Which of the two can will be equally attentive to YOU in both situations? This day is all about you and if you have to keep dictating what needs to be done you'll regret it. My MOH was absent the whole morning of my wedding, more worried about her things that needed to be done (hair, makeup, kids, etc.) than if I needed anything while I was getting ready. Luckily my other bridesmaids really stepped up, but in the end I really wished I had had someone else next to me in the pictures.

I'm not sure if this helps you narrow it down or makes it harder, but just know you're not alone in how you feel.

If all else fails and I've offered zero help; have #1 be your MOH but have a discussion with her about letting #2 help plan the bachelorette.

I literally CAN NOT. Ew! Did I seriously just read that?

TrixieJess · May 2015

I had a similar situation until I decided to forego the wedding party and just have the ring bearer and flower girl. But if you really want a full wedding party, I'd draw names.
Or she could just ask both friends to be her MOH since the title is meaningless outside of a ceremonial role of honor, unless she's having a Catholic ceremony. In which case one MOH and a Best Man would stand at the altar with her and her FI during the ceremony.

Other than that, all BMs do the exact same thing during a wedding ceremony and afterwards.

Uh-Uh, my MOH will tell me how speshul I am and sprinkle me with glitter and make sure the unicorn I'm riding in on is fed and watered. She will tell me I'm the bestest bride in the WHOLE WIDE WORLD! And it's MY SPESHUL DAY!!!

This of course after she and the child labour I've employed for pennies have worked until the wee hours making bouquets, bouts, centrepieces, aisle runners and seat covers, 'cause that's what they're for...

lovegood90 · May 2015

thegowoman said:
I know how you feel, and don't listen to the people above saying that you're post is gross and that you're a bad person. It's a tough decision and I know it's not all about the "party planning". Think about the women who is going to be next to your side on your wedding day bustling your dress, getting you snacks during cocktail hour and bringing you water all night. Now think about the girl who can plan a fun bachelorette weekend (your last fling as a single women). This doesn't mean it has to be a drunken night or strippers, this could be an innocent weekend in Disneyland. Which of the two can will be equally attentive to YOU in both situations? This day is all about you and if you have to keep dictating what needs to be done you'll regret it. My MOH was absent the whole morning of my wedding, more worried about her things that needed to be done (hair, makeup, kids, etc.) than if I needed anything while I was getting ready. Luckily my other bridesmaids really stepped up, but in the end I really wished I had had someone else next to me in the pictures.

I'm not sure if this helps you narrow it down or makes it harder, but just know you're not alone in how you feel.

If all else fails and I've offered zero help; have #1 be your MOH but have a discussion with her about letting #2 help plan the bachelorette.

WTF? No. You're just getting married, you're not the fucking queen who is incapable of getting your own water.

Heffalump · May 2015

thegowoman said:
My MOH was absent the whole morning of my wedding, more worried about her things that needed to be done (hair, makeup, kids, etc.) than if I needed anything while I was getting ready. Luckily my other bridesmaids really stepped up, but in the end I really wished I had had someone else next to me in the pictures.

The thing is, a parent is responsible for making sure their kids are taken care of. A MOH is not responsible for looking after a grown ass woman who's old enough to be married.

flantastic · May 2015

Heffalump said:

thegowoman said:
My MOH was absent the whole morning of my wedding, more worried about her things that needed to be done (hair, makeup, kids, etc.) than if I needed anything while I was getting ready. Luckily my other bridesmaids really stepped up, but in the end I really wished I had had someone else next to me in the pictures.
The thing is, a parent is responsible for making sure their kids are taken care of. A MOH is not responsible for looking after a grown ass woman who's old enough to be married.

Yep. I will be looking after my 1-3 month old child in two weddings this fall. She will probably be present with us as we get ready, or I will have to get ready separately. I will fulfill my ceremonial role of standing up next to these women as they get married because my husband will hold the baby during the ceremonies, but this arrangement is not possible all day so that I might fawn over the brides - he has limited ability to feed the baby because he does not lactate.

This does not make me a shitty bridesmaid, nor would it make me a shitty MOH if I were MOH.

[Deleted User] · May 2015

flantastic said:

Heffalump said:

thegowoman said:
My MOH was absent the whole morning of my wedding, more worried about her things that needed to be done (hair, makeup, kids, etc.) than if I needed anything while I was getting ready. Luckily my other bridesmaids really stepped up, but in the end I really wished I had had someone else next to me in the pictures.
The thing is, a parent is responsible for making sure their kids are taken care of. A MOH is not responsible for looking after a grown ass woman who's old enough to be married.

Yep. I will be looking after my 1-3 month old child in two weddings this fall. She will probably be present with us as we get ready, or I will have to get ready separately. I will fulfill my ceremonial role of standing up next to these women as they get married because my husband will hold the baby during the ceremonies, but this arrangement is not possible all day so that I might fawn over the brides - he has limited ability to feed the baby because he does not lactate.
This does not make me a shitty bridesmaid, nor would it make me a shitty MOH if I were MOH.

Wait! But don't you have time between now and then to teach your husband how to lactate? I mean, it's really important that you're around the bride to get her water and snacks. Surely your husband can lactate for ONE DAY! It's his kid too, you know.

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