has anyone done a private invite only dinner, followed by a cocktail reception everyone can attend

futuremrslavender · December 2014

My fiance and I are both wanting a small intimate wedding with only the people who are family and been with us throughout our relationship. We also don't want to spend $20, 000.00 on just a day. We've thought of possibly doing a ceremony where everyone was invited to and then a dinner with just immediate family only followed by a cocktail reception that everyone would be invited to. I realized after that most likely people who aren't invited to the dinner most likely wouldn't come to the ceremony which is the most important part to me... so the 30 people we had on our list turned into 67. Has anyone ever done or been to a wedding like this? I really don't want to pay for a dinner for people who i may only see once a year and rarely talk to, and honestly I prefer his extended family over mine as mean as that sounds but I talk to them and see them way more! would it be weird doing a dinner with my immediate family and his entire family ? I just don't want to look back and be like i wish this person was there or i wish i didn't have those people there.... if anyone has any idea I'd love to hear them!

artbyallie · December 2014

futuremrslavender said:

My fiance and I are both wanting a small intimate wedding with only the people who are family and been with us throughout our relationship. We also don't want to spend $20, 000.00 on just a day. We've thought of possibly doing a ceremony where everyone was invited to and then a dinner with just immediate family only followed by a cocktail reception that everyone would be invited to. I realized after that most likely people who aren't invited to the dinner most likely wouldn't come to the ceremony which is the most important part to me... so the 30 people we had on our list turned into 67. Has anyone ever done or been to a wedding like this? I really don't want to pay for a dinner for people who i may only see once a year and rarely talk to, and honestly I prefer his extended family over mine as mean as that sounds but I talk to them and see them way more! would it be weird doing a dinner with my immediate family and his entire family ? I just don't want to look back and be like i wish this person was there or i wish i didn't have those people there.... if anyone has any idea I'd love to hear them!

This is extremely inappropriate. For one, what are the loser/reject guests (because that's what they will feel like) supposed to do while the other half of the guests get to eat dinner? For another, you don't have to have a dinner reception at all if you don't have your wedding at or around a mealtime if you're looking to save money. Have the wedding at 2pm and then the reception can be cake and punch. Or just stick with the small wedding you originally planned for. If someone is not important enough to you to be invited to the entire event, you should not invite them at all rather than offer a crappy consolation prize.

futuremrslavender · December 2014

artbyallie said:

futuremrslavender said:

My fiance and I are both wanting a small intimate wedding with only the people who are family and been with us throughout our relationship. We also don't want to spend $20, 000.00 on just a day. We've thought of possibly doing a ceremony where everyone was invited to and then a dinner with just immediate family only followed by a cocktail reception that everyone would be invited to. I realized after that most likely people who aren't invited to the dinner most likely wouldn't come to the ceremony which is the most important part to me... so the 30 people we had on our list turned into 67. Has anyone ever done or been to a wedding like this? I really don't want to pay for a dinner for people who i may only see once a year and rarely talk to, and honestly I prefer his extended family over mine as mean as that sounds but I talk to them and see them way more! would it be weird doing a dinner with my immediate family and his entire family ? I just don't want to look back and be like i wish this person was there or i wish i didn't have those people there.... if anyone has any idea I'd love to hear them!

This is extremely inappropriate. For one, what are the loser/reject guests (because that's what they will feel like) supposed to do while the other half of the guests get to eat dinner? For another, you don't have to have a dinner reception at all if you don't have your wedding at or around a mealtime if you're looking to save money. Have the wedding at 2pm and then the reception can be cake and punch. Or just stick with the small wedding you originally planned for. If someone is not important enough to you to be invited to the entire event, you should not invite them at all rather than offer a crappy consolation prize.

My question wasn't was this appropriate or not. I don't really understand how anyone could possibly be offended if they were invited to a cocktail reception. if they want to come to the ceremony their more then welcome to attend but if I have to foot the bill for people its going to be the people who are closest to me. Your response is incredibly ignorant there's a million ways to do a wedding and just because my wedding idea doesn't fit your cookie cutter lifestyle doesn't mean it wouldn't be any less good or memorable. Maybe you feel spending $20,000.00 on a wedding is well worth it but I don't and if people who invite have your attitude they don't need to come.

hellohkb · December 2014

futuremrslavender said:

artbyallie said:

futuremrslavender said:

My fiance and I are both wanting a small intimate wedding with only the people who are family and been with us throughout our relationship. We also don't want to spend $20, 000.00 on just a day. We've thought of possibly doing a ceremony where everyone was invited to and then a dinner with just immediate family only followed by a cocktail reception that everyone would be invited to. I realized after that most likely people who aren't invited to the dinner most likely wouldn't come to the ceremony which is the most important part to me... so the 30 people we had on our list turned into 67. Has anyone ever done or been to a wedding like this? I really don't want to pay for a dinner for people who i may only see once a year and rarely talk to, and honestly I prefer his extended family over mine as mean as that sounds but I talk to them and see them way more! would it be weird doing a dinner with my immediate family and his entire family ? I just don't want to look back and be like i wish this person was there or i wish i didn't have those people there.... if anyone has any idea I'd love to hear them!

This is extremely inappropriate. For one, what are the loser/reject guests (because that's what they will feel like) supposed to do while the other half of the guests get to eat dinner? For another, you don't have to have a dinner reception at all if you don't have your wedding at or around a mealtime if you're looking to save money. Have the wedding at 2pm and then the reception can be cake and punch. Or just stick with the small wedding you originally planned for. If someone is not important enough to you to be invited to the entire event, you should not invite them at all rather than offer a crappy consolation prize.

My question wasn't was this appropriate or not. I don't really understand how anyone could possibly be offended if they were invited to a cocktail reception. if they want to come to the ceremony their more then welcome to attend but if I have to foot the bill for people its going to be the people who are closest to me. Your response is incredibly ignorant there's a million ways to do a wedding and just because my wedding idea doesn't fit your cookie cutter lifestyle doesn't mean it wouldn't be any less good or memorable. Maybe you feel spending $20,000.00 on a wedding is well worth it but I don't and if people who invite have your attitude they don't need to come.

There are many ways to be a proper host without spending $20,000. Have your wedding in the afternoon and have drinks and appetizers. You can go out with your family later after the wedding together.

I'm sorry, what you are considering is rude and you will definitely hurt people's feelings if you choose to do this. The dinner is a thank you to your guests for witnessing your vows. Invite only the people you want to pay for to attend your ceremony. It is not fair that you will only host some of your guests and not all of them... Either have a cocktail only reception with some finger foods for everyone or no one at all. How would you feel if you went to someones home and they only had food for some people and not you?

@artbyallie and myself are saying this because we want to give you genuinely good advice. We would not in good conscience give someone the green light to do something that is poor etiquette and would offend your guests.

artbyallie · December 2014

You can be non-traditional/offbeat and still host your guests properly. What you are asking about is not good etiquette or proper hosting. Anyone you invite needs to be welcome at the entire event, end of story.

And just for the record, neither I nor my parents spent anywhere close to 20k on my wedding. I don't know the exact number but in my estimation, it was probably more like 2k. My H and I don't even make $20,000 in an entire year but we can still be good hosts.

southernbelle0915 · December 2014

Lots of people have weddings that aren't the traditional evening dinner/dancing reception. You don't need to spend $20K to have an awesome wedding and still treat your guests right.

The easiest way to do this is to have the wedding/reception at a non-meal time so that you don't need to serve a meal. For example, have a 2pm wedding with 2:30-5pm cocktail/light app reception. That way, you've saved money by not serving a meal, you don't have a gap, and you're hosting all your guests. For 70 guests, you could host a really nice event like this for about $500 depending on location, what you serve, etc.

The two things I would keep in mind for your situation are that: 1) anyone invited to the ceremony must be invited to the reception; and 2) tiered receptions (where only SOME guests are invited to another - usually 'better' - reception) are against etiquette and cause hurt feelings.

weddingcactus · December 2014

I went to a wedding where I was not invited to the ceremony or dinner, only the cocktail party afterwards. While I enjoyed the cocktail reception, I also felt hurt and excluded. I knew some of the people who were invited to dinner (including my brother and some former schoolmates) and while I arrived right when my invitation specified, I felt as if I was showing up to the party late. What you are describing is called a "tiered wedding". Look around on The Knot and you should be able to find others asking the same question.

The purpose of a reception is to thank your guests for attending the ceremony. So by inviting only a select few to the dinner reception, you are essentially only thanking some of your guests. There have been some great suggestions to host a reception after an afternoon wedding (so your guests aren't expecting dinner). Another option might be to have a pre-ceremony meal with just your VIPs (family and wedding party only), then a ceremony and reception where all guests are invited. Otherwise, what are these uninvited guests supposed to do between the ceremony and the cocktail party? Just wait around for your preferred guests to finish dinner?

I understand that you are trying to save money and be inclusive at the same time. But think about how the other half of your guests are going to feel if they want to see the wedding ceremony, but aren't important enough to be invited to dinner. I don't think anyone here is out to attack you, and we do understand budgetary constraints. I have been on the receiving end of the "less important guest" invite to a tiered reception and it hurt my feelings. I don't think your intention is to hurt the feelings of your guests, so perhaps you can find another way.

chibiyui · December 2014

Honestly, if you don't want to pay for dinner for people, why invite them to your wedding? While I had a couple people I invited more or less out of obligation, the vast majority of my guest list was people I wanted to spend time with and party with. I wanted them to have a good time.

If you still want to invite those people, do a later evening wedding that starts at like 8, skip dinner and go straight to a cocktail reception. Or do the 2pm cake and punch. Do a cheaper catering, like BBQ or pasta. There are a ton of options here, that don't involve potentially hurting guests feelings.

I would much rather not be invited then be invited to only part of the day.

futuremrslavender · December 2014

Thanks for the "suggestions.." if we do a cocktail reception which we invite everyone to that is thanking them... Anyways we'll continue to plan our wedding how we see fit. Lucky we have more understanding friends and family.

artbyallie · December 2014

futuremrslavender said:

Thanks for the "suggestions.." if we do a cocktail reception which we invite everyone to that is thanking them... Anyways we'll continue to plan our wedding how we see fit. Lucky we have more understanding friends and family.

They'll no doubt be too polite to tell you to your face that you're hurting and/or inconveniencing them

hellohkb · December 2014

artbyallie said:

futuremrslavender said:

Thanks for the "suggestions.." if we do a cocktail reception which we invite everyone to that is thanking them... Anyways we'll continue to plan our wedding how we see fit. Lucky we have more understanding friends and family.

They'll no doubt be too polite to tell you to your face that you're hurting and/or inconveniencing them

I agree with artbyallie. They're not going to approach you and tell you how hurt they are that they were excluded. Why is it so difficult to just switch your dinner to after the cocktail reception?

chibiyui · December 2014

futuremrslavender said:

Thanks for the "suggestions.." if we do a cocktail reception which we invite everyone to that is thanking them... Anyways we'll continue to plan our wedding how we see fit. Lucky we have more understanding friends and family.

Good luck not losing friends over this.

larrygaga · December 2014

futuremrslavender said:

Thanks for the "suggestions.." if we do a cocktail reception which we invite everyone to that is thanking them... Anyways we'll continue to plan our wedding how we see fit. Lucky we have more understanding friends and family.

Yeah, you aren't going to have many friends left if you do this. But thank you for "asking for advice". Don't bite off more than you can chew, sweetie.

weddingcactus · December 2014

futuremrslavender said:

My fiance and I are both wanting a small intimate wedding with only the people who are family and been with us throughout our relationship. We also don't want to spend $20, 000.00 on just a day. We've thought of possibly doing a ceremony where everyone was invited to and then a dinner with just immediate family only followed by a cocktail reception that everyone would be invited to. I realized after that most likely people who aren't invited to the dinner most likely wouldn't come to the ceremony which is the most important part to me... so the 30 people we had on our list turned into 67. Has anyone ever done or been to a wedding like this? I really don't want to pay for a dinner for people who i may only see once a year and rarely talk to, and honestly I prefer his extended family over mine as mean as that sounds but I talk to them and see them way more! would it be weird doing a dinner with my immediate family and his entire family ? I just don't want to look back and be like i wish this person was there or i wish i didn't have those people there.... if anyone has any idea I'd love to hear them!

futuremrslavender said:

Thanks for the "suggestions.." if we do a cocktail reception which we invite everyone to that is thanking them... Anyways we'll continue to plan our wedding how we see fit. Lucky we have more understanding friends and family.

Well now aren't you the most polite, grateful person ever. You asked if anyone had been to a wedding like this or hosted a wedding like this. And you asked if anyone had any ideas because you'd "love to hear them". So we came back with personal experiences and ideas for you and took the time to write them down. And then you snap back with this nasty response. If you don't want help, don't waste our time.

[Deleted User] · December 2014

futuremrslavender said:

My fiance and I are both wanting a small intimate wedding with only the people who are family and been with us throughout our relationship. We also don't want to spend $20, 000.00 on just a day. We've thought of possibly doing a ceremony where everyone was invited to and then a dinner with just immediate family only followed by a cocktail reception that everyone would be invited to. I realized after that most likely people who aren't invited to the dinner most likely wouldn't come to the ceremony which is the most important part to me... so the 30 people we had on our list turned into 67. Has anyone ever done or been to a wedding like this? I really don't want to pay for a dinner for people who i may only see once a year and rarely talk to, and honestly I prefer his extended family over mine as mean as that sounds but I talk to them and see them way more! would it be weird doing a dinner with my immediate family and his entire family ? I just don't want to look back and be like i wish this person was there or i wish i didn't have those people there.... if anyone has any idea I'd love to hear them!

Yes. I have been to a wedding like this. I was in the second group only invited to the ceremony (lovely, by the way), then had to go find something to do for 3 hours before coming back for dancing and appetizers. The main guests weren't all done with their food by the time I got there, so I got to stand in the back and watch them eat. I actually only ended up staying for a very short time because I felt like such an outsider at this second stage of the party. I felt like shit. The bride and I aren't really friends anymore, though we still exchange Christmas cards.

kristenone · January 2015

As others have said, I don't see why you can't have the ceremony, cocktail party and then afterwards go out to dinner with your closest friends and family. Logistically, your guests will have to find something to do between the ceremony and the cocktail party if they aren't invited to dinner. Even if you don't think that is rude, it would be soooo boring for those guests to sit around waiting for people to finish dinner. I know you said you don't think people will come to the ceremony if they aren't invited to the dinner, but how are they to know they aren't invited to the dinner? They will just show up at the ceremony and be surprised there is a 2 hour gap between that and the cocktail reception.

ohannabelle · January 2015

Whoa! That is a seriously rude and unkind plan.

You don't invite a group of people, and then designate them into two groups- people we really really like, and people we don't really care about that much.

Seriously, nobody could ever possibly delude themselves into thinking it's okay to treat people like this.

I'm going to try this, and see if I can save money at my next dinner party. My A list friends can stay for dinner, the B listers have to sit outside and wait till we've finished. Then they can come in for drinks.

They won't mind being treated like inferior beings not good enough to make the cut, I'm sure. They're very understanding. And they get drinks! They'll be grateful! Who cares if you're singled out as being less important and less loved than other people, when you get a free drink!

I feel so thrifty.

(No, I've never been to a wedding like that. Typically, by the time people are old enough to get married, they're old enough to grasp that it's not okay to treat people like shit.)

thespeshulestsnowflake · January 2015

futuremrslavender said:

Thanks for the "suggestions.." if we do a cocktail reception which we invite everyone to that is thanking them... Anyways we'll continue to plan our wedding how we see fit. Lucky we have more understanding friends and family.

You really shouldn't call your BF your FI since you are not engaged.

futuremrslavender · January 2015

whovianstark · January 2015

I gotta say, I've been to all sorts of weddings that are against wedding etiquette, cash bar weddings, weddings where I thought I was going to their wedding but it was just a reception where they played their wedding video, weddings where they ask for honeyfund checks only as gifts and none of these bothered me. But I would be really hurt if I was asked to take time out of my schedule to go to a ceremony, then have to wait 2 hours while SOME of the guests got dinner until I am allowed to have a couple of cocktails.

[Deleted User] · January 2015

Isn't this a heated thread? I might be tardy to this party, but I can definitely sympathize with the original post. My fiancé's extended family is small and we are very close. I see them multiple times a year and consider them to be a huge part of my life. My extended family, on the other hand, is large and I see them probably once every two years. I don't think most of them know my fiancé's name even after 12 yeas of dating.

However, although we are working with a very tight budget, I will invite all of my relatives. I'm not thrilled about it, but I know it's the best thing to do. Of course I have no idea if they will attend or not, I am tweaking my plans to make it work assuming they will all attend. I'm researching Sunday brunch and late evening hors d'oeuvres receptions to see where I can cut costs and yet still include everyone.

As you can see, a lot of people aren't too keen on the separate parties idea. Yes it's your day and you should spend your money how you see fit, but it would be awful to lose friends and upset family on your special day.

Best of luck to you!

hellohkb · January 2015

mnyogi said:

Isn't this a heated thread? I might be tardy to this party, but I can definitely sympathize with the original post. My fiancé's extended family is small and we are very close. I see them multiple times a year and consider them to be a huge part of my life. My extended family, on the other hand, is large and I see them probably once every two years. I don't think most of them know my fiancé's name even after 12 yeas of dating.

However, although we are working with a very tight budget, I will invite all of my relatives. I'm not thrilled about it, but I know it's the best thing to do. Of course I have no idea if they will attend or not, I am tweaking my plans to make it work assuming they will all attend. I'm researching Sunday brunch and late evening hors d'oeuvres receptions to see where I can cut costs and yet still include everyone.

As you can see, a lot of people aren't too keen on the separate parties idea. Yes it's your day and you should spend your money how you see fit, but it would be awful to lose friends and upset family on your special day.

Best of luck to you!

I'm glad to see that you are including everyone in your wedding.

Dreamergirl8812 · February 2015

It's not rocket science. Invite people to your wedding or don't. Seriously.

And yes I've been to a wedding like that. Kind of. My mom and I were invited only to the "dancing" portion of the evening. My mom was offended. We went, we smiled, we participated in the bouquet toss. But my mom was offended, as she should have been.

RogueQueen · February 2015

I can share with you what I am doing if that offers any inspiration or help. My FH and I are doing first look and our bridal party photos at 4:00pm until 5:30pm then we are hosting a dinner for close family and the bridal party. At 7:30 (after the dinner) we are all going to our venue and are having the ceremony and a cocktail style reception with all the additional guests. Nobody has to wait between ceremony and cocktail reception while we have dinner.

levioosa · February 2015

That is so rude, OP. Way to make it obvious that the cocktail reception invitees are people you don't actually give a shit about. "Hey, I want you to come travel to see me and probably give a gift, but I don't feel like actually hosting you or giving you dinner. You should just be incredibly honored that I even asked you to come! Geez! Oh, and wait in the lobby for 90 minutes while I treat the more special people to dinner. K. Thankssss."

Does that seem incredibly rude to you? That's because it is.

antoto · February 2015

I could be wrong here - but I'm pretty sure OP isn't even engaged yet so....

ThxSugar · May 2015

I was in a similar situation. My fiancé really wanted a sit down dinner and a blow out bash. I wanted a family/close friends only ceremony, which would have transitioned into a dinner just fine. Luckily, my very clever FMIL pointed out that most of the family is from out of town so they will be at the rehearsal dinner and having another sit down dinner is redundant. If having your friends at the ceremony is important to you, I would explore other ways to have the dinner without a lag time for a portion of the guest.

chibiyui · May 2015

@hellohkb Is thread old enough to be a Zombie? And by be a Zombie I mean can you kill it?

hellohkb · May 2015

Zombie threads are technically threads over six months old. When someone comments the clock goes back to 0 and we start over again. Sorry

chibiyui said:
@hellohkb Is thread old enough to be a Zombie? And by be a Zombie I mean can you kill it?

has anyone done a private invite only dinner, followed by a cocktail reception everyone can attend

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