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BM Costs Way Higher Than Expected

Knottie49691771Knottie49691771 member
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One of my close friends asked me to be in her wedding which was super exciting....until I realized how much I'd be spending. About $1000. I don't have an income so this amount is far beyond what I can afford. The thing is, she knows I don't have much money, but has not once asked me for my budget. At this point, she's planned everything and the BMs are expected to pay for it. This includes dress, hair, make-up, hotel, bachelorette party events, and so forth. I thought I could just opt out of the events I thought were optional, until she guilt tripped me into going to everything. Im just feeling frustrated because she has shown no consideration for my financial status. She's made comments like "Oh I can cover some expenses if it's a burden for someone", but that just seems like a pity comment and makes me feel bad that I have no money. I'm just in this terrible position because she and her fiancé have a very "It's our wedding so we're doing whatever we want to do" attitude, which makes it really difficult to talk to them. But backing out will be a friendship-ending move and I don't want to do that. Do I just bite the bullet and try to hash things out with her after the wedding is over? God forbid I say anything now and become "that" BM. Help!
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Re: BM Costs Way Higher Than Expected

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    fwtx5815fwtx5815 member
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    I don't think you should have to provide a reason for not partaking in certain things like the bach. If it were me, I'd let the bride and whoever is planning the event(s) know that you won't be able to make it. 

    But if you really feel like you couldn't just say, "Sorry I won't be able to make it to _____, I'll be thinking of y'all and hope you have fun!" Then I REALLY think you should just privately tell the bride what your situation is. The fact that she didn't ask your budget is not your problem, it's hers now. She essentially is spending your money without your permission. She did mention helping out with some costs. You could tell her that you can only afford $x amount for the dress or whatever else. She'll either be understanding and look for ways to help, or you could politely step down, but it's not worth the financial stress to absorb 100% of all the costs. 

    If I were in your shoes, I'd probably end up resenting the friend that made me feel like I had to rack up a ton of credit card debt just to be in good standing with them.

    ----


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    lyndausvilyndausvi mod
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    edited January 2015
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    Not saying it doesn't suck, but sometimes you have tell stand up for yourself.  Either tell them you can't afford something or just back out altogether.

    Being an adult sucks sometimes, but you have be "that" person once in a while.






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    annathy03annathy03 member
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    Knottie49691771 said:
    One of my close friends asked me to be in her wedding which was super exciting....until I realized how much I'd be spending. About $1000. I don't have an income so this amount is far beyond what I can afford. The thing is, she knows I don't have much money, but has not once asked me for my budget. At this point, she's planned everything and the BMs are expected to pay for it. This includes dress, hair, make-up, hotel, bachelorette party events, and so forth. I thought I could just opt out of the events I thought were optional, until she guilt tripped me into going to everything. Im just feeling frustrated because she has shown no consideration for my financial status. She's made comments like "Oh I can cover some expenses if it's a burden for someone", but that just seems like a pity comment and makes me feel bad that I have no money. I'm just in this terrible position because she and her fiancé have a very "It's our wedding so we're doing whatever we want to do" attitude, which makes it really difficult to talk to them. But backing out will be a friendship-ending move and I don't want to do that. Do I just bite the bullet and try to hash things out with her after the wedding is over? God forbid I say anything now and become "that" BM. Help!
    She should have asked for a dress budget, and is in NO WAY allowed to make you pay for hair and makeup.  Say no.  When (doesn't sound like "if") she says it's important because [insert bullshit "reason" here] you just gush "Oh Friend, no one will notice my hair/makeup, everyone will be looking at YOU!" because seriously, BMs having pro HMU is incredibly unimportant.  Two of mine chose to get pro, the other two did their own, and I'd never know it looking at my photos.

    And you can opt out of events- your first gut was correct, they're optional.  Besides the fact that she shouldn't be planning her own parties, a bachelorette party can easily be an inexpensive affair like a movie or game night at someone's home.  Decline events you can't afford guilt free, and if she presses the issue I'd have a private discussion about her putting you between a rock and a hard place where you can't afford to meet her expectations.
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    augsum15augsum15 member
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    Knottie49691771 said:
    One of my close friends asked me to be in her wedding which was super exciting....until I realized how much I'd be spending. About $1000. I don't have an income so this amount is far beyond what I can afford. The thing is, she knows I don't have much money, but has not once asked me for my budget. At this point, she's planned everything and the BMs are expected to pay for it. This includes dress, hair, make-up, hotel, bachelorette party events, and so forth. I thought I could just opt out of the events I thought were optional, until she guilt tripped me into going to everything. Im just feeling frustrated because she has shown no consideration for my financial status. She's made comments like "Oh I can cover some expenses if it's a burden for someone", but that just seems like a pity comment and makes me feel bad that I have no money. I'm just in this terrible position because she and her fiancé have a very "It's our wedding so we're doing whatever we want to do" attitude, which makes it really difficult to talk to them. But backing out will be a friendship-ending move and I don't want to do that. Do I just bite the bullet and try to hash things out with her after the wedding is over? God forbid I say anything now and become "that" BM. Help!
    No. Why is she planning her own bachelorette party??? If she's a friend she should understand, otherwise tell her no, and if she's still being a knob, back out if you can't afford it. OR tell her what you can afford and go from there. But again... why is she planning her own b-party... this boggles my mind. 
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    bb2016bb2016 member
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    Knottie49691771 said:
    Thanks for all the input! The reason she's planning her own bachelorette party is simple: she's turned into a Bridezilla. It's, of course, a weekend getaway and she's mad that one of the BM isn't going the whole time. She's also "requested" that all 9 of us sleep in her two bedroom apartment the night before the wedding. A few of the girls respectfully declined and her response all but demanded that every single one of us stay there. You're all right. I need to put my big girl pants on and stand up for myself. I just never pegged her as a woman that would turn into a Bridezilla, so all of this is still shocking to me. 
    Good Luck! I think weddings can bring out the worst in people, especially brides, by telling them "it's YOUR day!", but that's not an excuse for acting like they do.

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    Knottie49691771Knottie49691771 member
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    Thanks! And I completely agree with you! Unfortunately, the other bridesmaids plus the fiance are guilty of encouraging that "it's YOUR day" attitude, so I feel like I'm the only level-headed one (aka I'm the only one with budget restrictions). Ugh, deep breathing. It'll all be over soon. 
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    climbingsingleclimbingsingle member
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    I had a seemingly normal friend turn into a Bridezilla. She demanded all sorts of nonsene and even threw a fit when a friend couldn't come to the shower because she had to work. She kicked a bridesmaid out because she couldn't attend an outting to look at dresses. This girl and I are no longer friends and I should have dropped out of the wedding from the first red flag.

    Anyway, your friend is acting like a massive jerk. I would drop out if I were you.
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    [Deleted User][Deleted User] member
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    edited June 2015

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    drunkenwitchdrunkenwitch member
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    Knottie49691771 said:

    Thanks for all the input! The reason she's planning her own bachelorette party is simple: she's turned into a Bridezilla. It's, of course, a weekend getaway and she's mad that one of the BM isn't going the whole time. She's also "requested" that all 9 of us sleep in her two bedroom apartment the night before the wedding. A few of the girls respectfully declined and her response all but demanded that every single one of us stay there. You're all right. I need to put my big girl pants on and stand up for myself. I just never pegged her as a woman that would turn into a Bridezilla, so all of this is still shocking to me. 

    I have seen women I have known for years go completely off the rails as soon as the engagement ring hit their finger. The good news is they came back to their senses after the wedding. There is hope for your friend but for now, keep standing your ground and saying no.

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    short+sassyshort+sassy member
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    Keep staying rational and budget conscious.

    I had to be like this for a cousin's wedding.  Not part of the WP, but I got an STD for it.  And my first response was, "Yeah!  I want to go!  It will be so awesome to be there, plus I'll get to see all my family from that side."

    And then I started tallying up the costs.  Airfare, hotel, rental car...and I was already at over $1,000.  As much as I wanted to go, I knew it would be financially irresponsible of me, so I had to decline.  At least for me, there was no pressure.

    I know it is hard to say "no" to people you love, especially when they are putting on so much unnecessary pressure.  But her need to have the BP attached to her hip for a weekend bach blowout and to look model perfect for her pics does not mean a requirement from you to spend money you don't have.

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    Knottie49691771Knottie49691771 member
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    I felt like I should add an update...

    Every weekend I see pictures of this bride and her fiancé out on the town (bars, concerts, sporting events). And now she's buying a new car. Like you can afford a new car, but not the matching updos you're requiring the bridal party to have? 

    Where did my sweet friend go and who is this self-absorbed woman with no concept of money? She has turned into a female version of her fiancé (who BTW sent me a text message berating me because I wasn't doing enough to help the bride). 

    How do I talk to this woman when her fiancé has such a strong, negative influence on her? It's like every week something else happens to make this situation get worse. 
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    banana468banana468 member
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    Don't try to reason with her. Simply state what is and isn't possible for your time and budget. You may lose her as a friend but if she's spending your money and time without your consent, do you want to keep her as one?
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    rcher912rcher912 member
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    Honestly, I agree with @banana468. There isn't much reasoning you can do.

    Maybe, as PPs have suggested, she'll return to planet Earth after the wedding. Maybe, then, you can rekindle whatever friendship is left, but it sounds like she's not living here right now.
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    floridabride44floridabride44 member
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    Knottie49691771 said:
    I felt like I should add an update...

    Every weekend I see pictures of this bride and her fiancé out on the town (bars, concerts, sporting events). And now she's buying a new car. Like you can afford a new car, but not the matching updos you're requiring the bridal party to have? 

    Where did my sweet friend go and who is this self-absorbed woman with no concept of money? She has turned into a female version of her fiancé (who BTW sent me a text message berating me because I wasn't doing enough to help the bride). 

    How do I talk to this woman when her fiancé has such a strong, negative influence on her? It's like every week something else happens to make this situation get worse. 
    Ugh. That right there says a lot about this couple. It's nobody's job to help your friend plan the wedding but him. If I were you, I'd tell him that. 

    Run far, far away. Requiring matching updos = control freak. Spending other people's money without their consent = massively selfish, inconsiderate, rude. Berating text messages from her FI = insulting. There are so many things wrong with this girl. Get out while you can before you spend another penny on being a BM in this wedding!!
    --

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    [Deleted User][Deleted User] member
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    Good luck with dealing with her. Going into debt to be in a friends wedding isn't worth it.
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    atlastmrsgatlastmrsg member
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    Just drop out.  It doesn't sound like you're going to enjoy any of this.  Or like the bride would appreciate your sacrifice if you try to make it work.
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    arrrghmateyarrrghmatey member
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    Run. Bitches be crazy.
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    themosthappy91themosthappy91 member
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    Knottie49691771 said:
    I felt like I should add an update...

    Every weekend I see pictures of this bride and her fiancé out on the town (bars, concerts, sporting events). And now she's buying a new car. Like you can afford a new car, but not the matching updos you're requiring the bridal party to have? 

    Where did my sweet friend go and who is this self-absorbed woman with no concept of money? She has turned into a female version of her fiancé (who BTW sent me a text message berating me because I wasn't doing enough to help the bride). 

    How do I talk to this woman when her fiancé has such a strong, negative influence on her? It's like every week something else happens to make this situation get worse. 
    I agree with others that there's no point trying to explain to her how you feel beyond a very basic "I'm sorry but I can't afford all this and won't be participating"... though you can certainly send her here and we'll give her an ear-full!  

    Please keep us updated and let us knows how it goes- and more than anything, say strong and stand up for yourself!  She's completely in the wrong.
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    MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot member
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    Ugh, I just don't see why you are bending over so much to save this friendship. I would drop out of the wedding, and cite her unreasonable financial demands as my reason. If she ended the friendship over that, I'd be pretty comfortable knowing it wasn't much of a friendship to begin with.
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    SP29SP29 member
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    Yikes! This is going downhill fast. Unfortunately due to the FI, sounds like your friend has some real negative influences and this may not turn out right.

    Ditto @hsgator. 

    I would text the FI back and tell him, "The only person responsible for helping the bride is YOU. It's YOUR wedding". 

    I would tell your friend, "I'm sorry, but I cannot afford to attend the bachelorette party at all. My budget for the dress is X and I will do my own hair and make up". 

    If the bride "requires" anything, then she needs to pay for it. If she keeps being a jerk, I'd tell her that too.

    Never let anyone else spend your money for you or tell you how to. I don't care if you're rich- it's still no one else's business how you spend your money. Don't go into debt for a FRIEND's wedding (let alone your own!). 
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    Knottie86983567Knottie86983567 member
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    This may be an unpopular opinion, but I think you should either say something nicely and in private to the bride, or just let it go. Yes, she should have consulted with you about your budget, but if you haven't voiced your concerns to her then you can't expect her to know them. She might not have any idea that you are concerned about your expenses. 

    Either take some action or just decide to drop in light of the fact that it's her wedding day. Dropping out of the bridal party is such a dramatic move- do you really want to end your friendship with the bride?
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    Jen4948Jen4948 member
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    edited May 2015
    I'd tell both this "friend" and her FI, "While I can do A, B, and C, and will be happy to participate in those respects, it is not possible for me to participate in X, Y, or Z, and I am not willing to be asked to assume any additional financial obligations to participate in your wedding or made to feel guilty because of how I feel about it.  Please consider the subject closed."
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    BlueBirdMBBlueBirdMB member
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    Knottie49691771 said:

    I felt like I should add an update...


    Every weekend I see pictures of this bride and her fiancé out on the town (bars, concerts, sporting events). And now she's buying a new car. Like you can afford a new car, but not the matching updos you're requiring the bridal party to have? 

    Where did my sweet friend go and who is this self-absorbed woman with no concept of money? She has turned into a female version of her fiancé (who BTW sent me a text message berating me because I wasn't doing enough to help the bride). 

    How do I talk to this woman when her fiancé has such a strong, negative influence on her? It's like every week something else happens to make this situation get worse. 
    OMG this happened to me and out of those whole mess, this pissed me off the most.  It was the straw that broke the camel's back and I freaked out on both of them, which didn't do anything.  Unfortunately, it was my SIL and BIL, so I couldn't just back out.  I had to suffer through the bullshit.  If I wasn't related to such a bitch of a bride, I would have run for the hills.  She had made outrageous demands about her shower including booking the venue herself when we had planned to host the shower a house to save money.  Because I was the only relative, I was pretty much the only one who didn't back out of helping with the shower besides her mom after that stunt (oh and the email that outlined every detail of the shower including food, cake, decoration, favor, and game requests) so two of us planned and paid for the whole thing.  And then I got a charming email from her fiancé (my now BIL) telling me I was involving the bride too much in the planning of the shower and it was stressing her out.  I saw red.

    RUN AWAY.  Don't reason out of this.  Just lay it out "I can't afford XYZ and if that is a requirement to be a bridesmaid, I'm sorry to say I won't be able to stand next to you on your wedding day."
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    auriannaaurianna member
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    Knottie86983567 said:
    This may be an unpopular opinion, but I think you should either say something nicely and in private to the bride, or just let it go. Yes, she should have consulted with you about your budget, but if you haven't voiced your concerns to her then you can't expect her to know them. She might not have any idea that you are concerned about your expenses. 

    Either take some action or just decide to drop in light of the fact that it's her wedding day. Dropping out of the bridal party is such a dramatic move- do you really want to end your friendship with the bride?


    ---
     I know I personally wouldn't just "let go" of $1000 because it's her wedding day. This is really an issue of standing up for herself. She should not be made to feel pressured / guilted / bullied into spending more than she can afford for frivolous things like updos and parties. Any bride who would pull that doesn't deserve sweetness and sugar-coating. OP definitely should not be rude or nasty, but she can be direct, without kid-gloves.
    A grand is a lot of money, and that mixed in with a bride who is not treating her as a friend... if that causes drama, so be it.

    Knottie49691771  what ever happened?
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