XP Bridesmaid Let down

[Deleted User] · June 2015

Thanks everyone for the feedback, I wanted to know if I was in the wrong or not and it is clear from your posts that it is my fault. I would just like to mention that I have not been involved in the planning of any of the extra events, so I was unaware of what was going on when she sent me the messages about the financial woes.

I am understanding of the financial problems and have only told her that I understand and it is ok. I have never told her that I am sad, and my disappointment only stems from wanting to spend time with her. Thanks for your posts, I appreciate it.

kaos16 · June 2015

Knottie97712996 said:

Has anyone had a bridesmaid who is constantly not there for you? The only thing my bridesmaids have had to pay for so far is their wedding dresses that were around $200. My main goal through our wedding was to make it cost effective for our friends because I know how expensive it can be to be a part of a wedding party.

My family is throwing my bridal shower along with a few of my bridesmaids. They sent out a message to the other bridesmaids with a "suggested" contribution price for decorations/food/etc. They are of course completely understanding to anyone who cannot afford to help out. Instead of going to the people throwing the shower my bridesmaid told me how expensive everything is and how she felt like no one has put any thought into what she can afford.

It has really stressed me out because I don't want any of my girls to feel like they have to do certain things, I just want the support of their presence at these events. She was told she not to worry about the cost of the bridal shower, and to just come for support.

My bridal shower is this week and she just called to tell me she couldn't come anymore because she is starting a new job and has to work this Saturday. Instead of telling her how hurt I was I just told her I understood and it wasn't a big deal. She also said she didn't know if she would make my bachelorette party because she thought it would be too expensive and because of her new job. My bachelorette party is also going to be really low key, the place we are staying at is of no cost and we are all carpooling to the destination.

I don't think this would usually bother me, but I constantly feel like I am giving more to our friendship than she is. She recently went through a breakup and I send her care packages and make phone calls to make sure she is ok, but she has never asked me if I need anything or how things are going. She offered to send me a gift but I could care less about her spending money on tangible items, I care about having her actually be there for me.

It just seems like I am putting more time/money/effort into making her comfortable and happy on my wedding day than she is on being a friend when I need her. I would have rather had her decline being a part of my wedding party.

I also failed to mention that I was completely broke when she got married but somehow managed to scrounge up enough money to be at all of her events, spend a ton of money on shoes and a dress, and also spend money on a hotel for two nights at her wedding destination. I was in college at the time and my fiance had just taken a sever pay cut at his job.

Just curious if anyone else has experience some bridesmaid letdown and how you dealt with it.

As with all relationships, a bride/BM relationship is not tit for tat. You need to put out of your mind what you did for her wedding. That is irrelevant to what is happening now. As a BM in your wedding, her duties and responsibilities are to wear the dress and show up on time and sober enough. That is all! While it is nice if she can attend prewedding parties, she doesn't have to. I understand that you are feeling let down, but you need to let it go and focus on having a good time at your prewedding parties and your wedding with those who were able to attend each event instead of worrying about who couldn't.

eisdod68 · June 2015

i understand you feel let down, but you have to let this go. she isn't obligated to come to any of your pre-wedding parties, and it doesn't mean she doesn't care about you. she cannot afford it - every one's financial situations are different. it doesn't mean she doesn't love you or want to be a part of your wedding. just because you did all those things for her, doesn't mean she has to do the same for you. it's easy to compare and get upset, but you really have to be understanding about her current situation. just let it go, be happy she is going to stand up with you for your wedding. her world doesn't revolve around your wedding. as long as she shows up shower and on time for the actual wedding day, she has done her part.

mikenberger · June 2015

Knottie97712996 said:

Has anyone had a bridesmaid who is constantly not there for you? The only thing my bridesmaids have had to pay for so far is their wedding dresses that were around $200. My main goal through our wedding was to make it cost effective for our friends because I know how expensive it can be to be a part of a wedding party.

My family is throwing my bridal shower along with a few of my bridesmaids. They sent out a message to the other bridesmaids with a "suggested" contribution price for decorations/food/etc. They are of course completely understanding to anyone who cannot afford to help out. Instead of going to the people throwing the shower my bridesmaid told me how expensive everything is and how she felt like no one has put any thought into what she can afford.

It has really stressed me out because I don't want any of my girls to feel like they have to do certain things, I just want the support of their presence at these events. She was told she not to worry about the cost of the bridal shower, and to just come for support.

My bridal shower is this week and she just called to tell me she couldn't come anymore because she is starting a new job and has to work this Saturday. Instead of telling her how hurt I was I just told her I understood and it wasn't a big deal. She also said she didn't know if she would make my bachelorette party because she thought it would be too expensive and because of her new job. My bachelorette party is also going to be really low key, the place we are staying at is of no cost and we are all carpooling to the destination.

I don't think this would usually bother me, but I constantly feel like I am giving more to our friendship than she is. She recently went through a breakup and I send her care packages and make phone calls to make sure she is ok, but she has never asked me if I need anything or how things are going. She offered to send me a gift but I could care less about her spending money on tangible items, I care about having her actually be there for me.

It just seems like I am putting more time/money/effort into making her comfortable and happy on my wedding day than she is on being a friend when I need her. I would have rather had her decline being a part of my wedding party.

I also failed to mention that I was completely broke when she got married but somehow managed to scrounge up enough money to be at all of her events, spend a ton of money on shoes and a dress, and also spend money on a hotel for two nights at her wedding destination. I was in college at the time and my fiance had just taken a sever pay cut at his job.

Just curious if anyone else has experience some bridesmaid letdown and how you dealt with it.

No no no. YOU are being the one that is letting down your bridesmaids. You are spending their money and not asking about their budgets beforehand.

Dress shopping (Asked in an individual, private setting): "Okay (insert bridesmaid/man name here)... what is your budget for a dress?"

You don't tell them what dress to buy because YOU find it economical or you're doing the best to not spend all their money because you understand how expensive it can be.

Bridal Shower: People should offer to throw these parties. Your bridal party is not supposed to throw these parties (they should offer). So if she didn't offer to contribute, she NEVER should've received an email on what she should contribute. What an asshole thing to do. She is 100% right that nobody has put any thought into what she can afford. Because nobody has seemed to care to ask. It's just expected that she will spend this money.

She doesn't have to attend the bachelorette either. You do NOT control her money.

Stop spending your friends money. You are not being a good friend. Her only "obligations" as a bridesmaid: Buy a dress within HER budget (because you already asked her privately about this) and show up on time and happy.

You should check your entitledness at the door.

Edit: Clarity

Maggie0829 · June 2015

Knottie97712996 said:

Has anyone had a bridesmaid who is constantly not there for you? The only thing my bridesmaids have had to pay for so far is their wedding dresses that were around $200. Did you ask your BMs their budget before picking that dress? My main goal through our wedding was to make it cost effective for our friends because I know how expensive it can be to be a part of a wedding party. All they have to do is pay for the attire (which you should have asked for budgets first). So I am not sure what else you are worried about.

My family is throwing my bridal shower along with a few of my bridesmaids. They sent out a message to the other bridesmaids with a "suggested" contribution price for decorations/food/etc. They are of course completely understanding to anyone who cannot afford to help out. Instead of going to the people throwing the shower my bridesmaid told me how expensive everything is and how she felt like no one has put any thought into what she can afford. This is true though. Instead of asking for budgets the hosts instead sent out a suggested contribution price. That is not how you do things. By doing that you are putting pressure on people to give more then they can actually afford.

It has really stressed me out because I don't want any of my girls to feel like they have to do certain things, I just want the support of their presence at these events. But they don't have to come to these events if they do not want to or can't. They only event that they have to come to is your wedding. And what is up with you needing support? Why do you need support at your shower? It is a party for you where you get gifts. Not sure why you would need support at a fun event. She was told she not to worry about the cost of the bridal shower, and to just come for support. fun. FTFY because she isn't having to support anything.

My bridal shower is this week and she just called to tell me she couldn't come anymore because she is starting a new job and has to work this Saturday. Instead of telling her how hurt I was I just told her I understood and it wasn't a big deal. Which is the correct response because yeah it sucks that she can't come but she is starting a new job. Be happy and excited for her. Her missing your shower is not the end of the world. Be disappointed for about 10 minutes and then move on. She also said she didn't know if she would make my bachelorette party because she thought it would be too expensive and because of her new job. My bachelorette party is also going to be really low key, the place we are staying at is of no cost and we are all carpooling to the destination. Still, I am sure there are some costs involved mainly buying food and drinks. If she says that she can't afford it then believe her.

I don't think this would usually bother me, but I constantly feel like I am giving more to our friendship than she is. She recently went through a breakup and I send her care packages and make phone calls to make sure she is ok, but she has never asked me if I need anything or how things are going. Um, there is a huge difference between having a relationship end and planning a wedding. How can you not see that? You are planning something fun and exciting, while she was going through something difficult (that is where the word support comes into play). And just because you would do X, Y or Z does't mean she thinks the same way. You have to stop expecting her to act a certain way. Just because you are getting married doesn't mean that people will change. She offered to send me a gift but I could care less about her spending money on tangible items, I care about having her actually be there for me. What does she have to be there for? Again, you are planning a fun party, not a funeral.

It just seems like I am putting more time/money/effort into making her comfortable and happy on my wedding day than she is on being a friend when I need her. I just can't with this. I would have rather had her decline being a part of my wedding party. Then why did you even ask her? Your friend has done nothing wrong.

I also failed to mention that I was completely broke when she got married but somehow managed to scrounge up enough money to be at all of her events, spend a ton of money on shoes and a dress, and also spend money on a hotel for two nights at her wedding destination. I was in college at the time and my fiance had just taken a sever pay cut at his job. This was your choice. Just because you did it doesn't mean that she can. Weddings and pre-wedding parties are not tit for tat. She has told you on multiple occasions that she cannot do things because she financially can't afford them. You should be understanding of this instead of getting pissy.

Just curious if anyone else has experience some bridesmaid letdown and how you dealt with it.

Jen4948 · June 2015

Knottie97712996 said:

Has anyone had a bridesmaid who is constantly not there for you? The only thing my bridesmaids have had to pay for so far is their wedding dresses that were around $200. My main goal through our wedding was to make it cost effective for our friends because I know how expensive it can be to be a part of a wedding party. At the time you asked them to be bridesmaids, did you ask them what their budgets for participation in your wedding party actually are? $200 for a dress that you're only going to wear once, along with accessories, hair, and makeup, can be very expensive depending on how much money one has available and what one's other expenses are.

My family is throwing my bridal shower along with a few of my bridesmaids. They sent out a message to the other bridesmaids with a "suggested" contribution price for decorations/food/etc. It was not appropriate for them to ask your bridesmaids to "help out" with financial contributions. If they want to throw you a shower or any other kind of party, they need to assume all the costs-not try to pass any on to your bridesmaids. They are of course completely understanding to anyone who cannot afford to help out. Instead of going to the people throwing the shower my bridesmaid told me how expensive everything is and how she felt like no one has put any thought into what she can afford. By "suggesting" contribution prices and budgets instead of asking her what she can afford, that's exactly what you and your family have been doing.

It has really stressed me out because I don't want any of my girls to feel like they have to do certain things, I just want the support of their presence at these events. She was told she not to worry about the cost of the bridal shower, and to just come for support.

My bridal shower is this week and she just called to tell me she couldn't come anymore because she is starting a new job and has to work this Saturday. She has no choice about having to go to work, even if it's on a Saturday and your shower is taking place. Instead of telling her how hurt I was I just told her I understood and it wasn't a big deal. She also said she didn't know if she would make my bachelorette party because she thought it would be too expensive and because of her new job. My bachelorette party is also going to be really low key, the place we are staying at is of no cost and we are all carpooling to the destination. How do you know it's "low cost" to her? Again, you're making assumptions about what your bridesmaids can afford without checking them out with your bridesmaids.

I don't think this would usually bother me, but I constantly feel like I am giving more to our friendship than she is. She recently went through a breakup and I send her care packages and make phone calls to make sure she is ok, but she has never asked me if I need anything or how things are going. Do you really expect someone going through personal trauma to care more about your wedding than their own lives? That's mean and unrealistic. Nobody is going to care about your wedding as much as you. She offered to send me a gift but I could care less about her spending money on tangible items, I care about having her actually be there for me.

It just seems like I am putting more time/money/effort into making her comfortable and happy on my wedding day than she is on being a friend when I need her. I would have rather had her decline being a part of my wedding party.You "need" her? Sorry, but asking someone to be in your wedding party does not entitle you to require that they care more about you and your wedding than themselves. You're the one who's not being a good friend here-especially if you'd rather they decline being a part of your wedding party because they won't treat you like a queen.

I also failed to mention that I was completely broke when she got married but somehow managed to scrounge up enough money to be at all of her events, spend a ton of money on shoes and a dress, and also spend money on a hotel for two nights at her wedding destination. I was in college at the time and my fiance had just taken a sever pay cut at his job. So what? Weddings are not tit-for-tat. People who are close can be at totally different stages in their lives. The fact that you could scrounge up all the money doesn't give you any right to expect that others can on your schedule instead of their own.

Just curious if anyone else has experience some bridesmaid letdown and how you dealt with it. You deal with it by growing up, showing some empathy for your bridesmaids, and not expecting them to act like only you and your wedding matter. It wouldn't surprise me if your other bridesmaids and family decide to drop out of your wedding too based on your attitude.

mikenberger · June 2015

Knottie97712996 said:

Thanks everyone for the feedback, I wanted to know if I was in the wrong or not and it is clear from your posts that it is my fault. I would just like to mention that I have not been involved in the planning of any of the extra events, so I was unaware of what was going on when she sent me the messages about the financial woes.

I am understanding of the financial problems and have only told her that I understand and it is ok. I have never told her that I am sad, and my disappointment only stems from wanting to spend time with her. Thanks for your posts, I appreciate it.

It is okay to be letdown. We all understand that. Maybe ask her to come over and watch a movie or some other low/no cost girl date? Put your friendships before your wedding. I assume you want to be friends with all of your girls after your wedding, so conduct yourself like that

[Deleted User] · June 2015

I just want to give you a quick reply for your earlier post. I did let the girls pick out their dresses, everyone has a different dress. I just recall that the dress she bought was around $200 because she sent me a picture that had the cost next to it.

I didn't know that the other girls were asking the rest of the bridesmaids to give money for the shower and when she contacted me I told her not to worry about it because I do understand her financial situation. I also offered to pay for her to go to the bachelorette party if that was the only reason she couldn't come because I do care more about spending time with her than making her fork out cash for things she can't afford.

I don't want to act entitled, my disappointment doesn't stem from people not being able to spend money. It's truly about wanting to spend time with the girls that mean the most to me. I could care less about gifts and fancy showers.

Thank you though, I really appreciated the reality check. It's hard not to get caught up in it all.

Alyson1728 · June 2015

My main goal of logging in this morning was to get some opinions on foundation but this post caught my attention and I felt a need to comment. Honestly, I think your getting a little bit of a bad rep here. When I read your post it seemed like your intention was good or you were at least making an honest effort to take her feelings into consideration.

Weddings in general are stressful and they make everyone on edge. I agree with some of the others that not taking her budget into consideration and sending a message with "suggested contribution" is insensitive ( and probably embarrassing for her). Also, I'm sure you understand that her new job and her financial needs/obligations are more important than your shower and bachelorette party but it is okay for you to be a little bummed out she cannot attend; that doesn't mean your going around speaking poorly about her to your other friends and family.

On the reverse side, when you ask someone to be in your wedding it's usually because they are a close friend or family member and you want to include them in this special time in your life. It is not wrong for you to want your friend to care about your wedding, that's what friendships are all about, you share in each other's highs and lows and you support each other. I think anyone bride on this site would be lying if they said they didn't care about attention on their special day. I'm sure you understand that she has to take care of herself first but I wouldn't call you entitled just because you want your friend to show a little happiness for you and your new husband. Also, weddings have been going on for years, the theory of a small financial contribution from the bridal party is not a new idea? Did she honestly think she wouldn't have to pay anything to be in the wedding? I'm just throwing that thought out there for everyone to think about.

All I can say is continue to be a good friend to her and treat her with respect and kindness. And if you honestly feel she can't reciprocrate feelings of friendship (wedding aside) it might be a bigger problem than just being your bridesmaids.

Best wishes to you and your fiancé :-)

[Deleted User] · June 2015

Alyson1728 said:

My main goal of logging in this morning was to get some opinions on foundation but this post caught my attention and I felt a need to comment. Honestly, I think your getting a little bit of a bad rep here. When I read your post it seemed like your intention was good or you were at least making an honest effort to take her feelings into consideration. Weddings in general are stressful and they make everyone on edge. I agree with some of the others that not taking her budget into consideration and sending a message with "suggested contribution" is insensitive ( and probably embarrassing for her). Also, I'm sure you understand that her new job and her financial needs/obligations are more important than your shower and bachelorette party but it is okay for you to be a little bummed out she cannot attend; that doesn't mean your going around speaking poorly about her to your other friends and family. On the reverse side, when you ask someone to be in your wedding it's usually because they are a close friend or family member and you want to include them in this special time in your life. It is not wrong for you to want your friend to care about your wedding, that's what friendships are all about, you share in each other's highs and lows and you support each other. I think anyone bride on this site would be lying if they said they didn't care about attention on their special day. I'm sure you understand that she has to take care of herself first but I wouldn't call you entitled just because you want your friend to show a little happiness for you and your new husband. Also, weddings have been going on for years, the theory of a small financial contribution from the bridal party is not a new idea? Did she honestly think she wouldn't have to pay anything to be in the wedding? I'm just throwing that thought out there for everyone to think about. All I can say is continue to be a good friend to her and treat her with respect and kindness. And if you honestly feel she can't reciprocrate feelings of friendship (wedding aside) it might be a bigger problem than just being your bridesmaids. Best wishes to you and your fiancé :-)

Nobody should plan on being invoiced in order to be in a wedding. Yes, weddings have been going on for years, but bridal showers and bachelorette parties and bridesmaids are relatively new ideas. I would be Incredibly put off if I got an invoice for a bridal shower from another bridesmaid or family member of the bride. I am not an ATM, I did not volunteer to fund a party, don't send me an invoice.

Jen4948 · June 2015

Alyson1728 said:

My main goal of logging in this morning was to get some opinions on foundation but this post caught my attention and I felt a need to comment. Honestly, I think your getting a little bit of a bad rep here. When I read your post it seemed like your intention was good or you were at least making an honest effort to take her feelings into consideration. Weddings in general are stressful and they make everyone on edge. I agree with some of the others that not taking her budget into consideration and sending a message with "suggested contribution" is insensitive ( and probably embarrassing for her). Also, I'm sure you understand that her new job and her financial needs/obligations are more important than your shower and bachelorette party but it is okay for you to be a little bummed out she cannot attend; that doesn't mean your going around speaking poorly about her to your other friends and family. On the reverse side, when you ask someone to be in your wedding it's usually because they are a close friend or family member and you want to include them in this special time in your life. It is not wrong for you to want your friend to care about your wedding, that's what friendships are all about, you share in each other's highs and lows and you support each other. I think anyone bride on this site would be lying if they said they didn't care about attention on their special day. I'm sure you understand that she has to take care of herself first but I wouldn't call you entitled just because you want your friend to show a little happiness for you and your new husband. Also, weddings have been going on for years, the theory of a small financial contribution from the bridal party is not a new idea? Did she honestly think she wouldn't have to pay anything to be in the wedding? I'm just throwing that thought out there for everyone to think about. All I can say is continue to be a good friend to her and treat her with respect and kindness. And if you honestly feel she can't reciprocrate feelings of friendship (wedding aside) it might be a bigger problem than just being your bridesmaids. Best wishes to you and your fiancé :-)

Sorry, but getting married and asking someone, especially someone close to you, to be in your wedding party in no way entitles you to ask for financial "contributions" of any size from them.

They are responsible for getting the outfit and their travel costs to the wedding itself, but you are responsible for making sure that all of these costs are inside their budget. They are responsible for no other costs, whether that's for showers, bachelorette parties, or any other wedding-related costs.

And they are also entitled to their own emotions. The fact that one is getting married does not require one's bridesmaids to be constantly jumping up and down squealing with happiness, asking about wedding plans in every conversation, or scheduling their own lives to be available for every wedding-related event. If they are not doing so, that doesn't mean that they are not "happy" for you. Even if they are, that doesn't mean that every single moment of their lives has to be dedicated to showing how "happy" they are for you-especially if you are not showing any interest in their lives aside from their participation in our wedding.

Alyson1728 · June 2015

...

[Deleted User] · June 2015

Alyson1728 said:

I agree with you. Your bridesmaids are not responsible for funding a party for you unless they choose to throw you a shower. But you said it yourself your BM's are responsible for their attire and travel cost (that's a financial obligation that comes with being in a wedding is it not?) My point is I think this particular bride was being portrayed in the wrong light. It sounded to me she actually did try to take the BM's feelings and budget into consideration. And again I agree with you that your bridemaids don't need to dedicate every second of their lives to your wedding just so show they are happy for you but you want them to care a little bit? I guess this point is moot because we don't really know the amount of concern shown by either party. I just felt like this girl was getting a bad rep for sharing a little bit of her feelings.

An example. My sister drunkenly yelled at me one night because I wasn't showing the proper excitement in her wedding. I tried giving her suggestions back whens he was first planning, but the way my suggestions were shot down made me not want to contribute any more to her ideas. Didn't mean I wasn't happy for her. Didn't mean I wouldn't be attending with bells on. I just wasn't jumping up and down and squeeing on the phone with her every day. Not my circus, not my monkeys. Once she understood, we found a level of participation I could have that made us both happy. I didn't attend a single pre-wedding event, but I helped her plan her ceremony and even got certified to officiate her wedding!

Maggie0829 · June 2015

I think the main issue I had with OP was the numerous times she said that she wanted support from this person. And then she kind of compared the time where her BM went through a bad break up and she was there for her but her BM is not there to support her now during her wedding planning. Look, I completely understand wanting your friends to be excited and involved. But with that said, if they aren't involved or show their excitement then it is no big deal. None of that means that they aren't happy for you, but I think people fail to remember that this time is a happy time. This is not someone dealing with a death in the family, or a breakup of a long time boyfriend or being fired from a job or being evicted from their home or dealing with a bad illness. This is a person planning a wedding. You don't need support to do that. The only person that needs to be involved is your FI and any family that may be contributing financially. No one is ever going to be excited about your wedding as you are. If your friends can't make your pre-wedding events then oh well. Be bummed for like a day and then move on. If you really want to spend time with your friends then go out for a drink or dinner or go to a movie. There are more ways to have time with your friend then to have it revolve around your wedding. Crap happens and people can't make things. But her friend is going to make the most important event and that is the wedding.

OliveOilsMom · June 2015

Alyson1728 said:

I agree with you. Your bridesmaids are not responsible for funding a party for you unless they choose to throw you a shower. But you said it yourself your BM's are responsible for their attire and travel cost (that's a financial obligation that comes with being in a wedding is it not?) My point is I think this particular bride was being portrayed in the wrong light. It sounded to me she actually did try to take the BM's feelings and budget into consideration. And again I agree with you that your bridemaids don't need to dedicate every second of their lives to your wedding just so show they are happy for you but you want them to care a little bit? I guess this point is moot because we don't really know the amount of concern shown by either party. I just felt like this girl was getting a bad rep for sharing a little bit of her feelings.

We can only respond to what gets written in each post. We get many posts on this site about brides complaining their BMs are performing all of their "duties". So often our answers are skewed to that line of thinking on a bride's part. This poster came back and clarified. The answers then changed to "try hanging out with her during a no-cost activity." I don't think OP is getting a bad reputation here at all.

mikenberger · June 2015

Funny how the person with their panties bunched is NOT the OP.

Good on you OP for seeing this from both sides

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