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Brides family vs. grooms family ettiquette

lolafalana4lolafalana4 member
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in Wedding Etiquette Forum

Please help??!!!!!?

 I am torn because my future mother in law is hosting the rehearsal dinner and was told by her that only the people involed are invited. No significant others or  my family, who are coming from out of state (4 people total). She states its too expensive with all those people. But then she offers to pay for our DJ.........??????

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Re: Brides family vs. grooms family ettiquette

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    madamerwinmadamerwin member
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    MyNameIsNot said:
    lolafalana4 said:

    Please help??!!!!!?

     I am torn because my future mother in law is hosting the rehearsal dinner and was told by her that only the people involed are invited. No significant others or  my family, who are coming from out of state (4 people total). She states its too expensive with all those people. But then she offers to pay for our DJ.........??????

    If she's paying, she has final say in the guest list. But it's rude to exclude the significant others, and that exclusion would reflect badly on you. 

    I would offer to pay for the additional guests. If she refuses, say thanks but no thanks to her offer to host and pay for the RD myself. 
    I agree with this advice - you need to invite SO's at least, so offer to cover the cost to invite them. It's also a nice gesture to invite OOT family to the rehearsal dinner, but that's not necessary (though we are inviting all family to ours). If she refuses to invite SOs, then you should decline her offer to host it and pay for it yourself.

    Also, since this is FMIL, I would have your FI be the one to bring it up with her.
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    Jen4948Jen4948 member
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    edited June 2015
    lolafalana4 said:

    Please help??!!!!!?

     I am torn because my future mother in law is hosting the rehearsal dinner and was told by her that only the people involed are invited. No significant others or  my family, who are coming from out of state (4 people total). She states its too expensive with all those people. But then she offers to pay for our DJ.........??????

    It's rude to exclude SOs from rehearsal dinners.  It would also be rude to exclude your parents or siblings (and their SOs) if they are "involved" in your wedding (that is, have roles in the ceremony).  And even if they don't have roles, I think immediate family members of both of the couple do need to be invited to a rehearsal dinner.  Other OOT family and friends are strictly optional for the hosts.  If she won't do that, then I think your FI needs to decline the dinner for you both and you need to host and pay for it yourself.
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    lovegood90lovegood90 member
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    Including SO's is non-negotiable. If she refuses to include them then your FI needs to tell her thanks but the two of you will be paying for the RD instead. Even if she's paying, being rude by excluding these people will reflect badly on the two of you.

    If my SO was excluded from an event like this, it would affect my friendship with you regardless of who is paying. It is your responsibility as the bride and groom to stand up for your guests and ensure they are treated properly, which means inviting SO's.

    Formerly martha1818

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    PrettyGirlLostPrettyGirlLost member
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    Inviting OOT guests is nice but gratuitous, imo. If you have a lot, you end up having a pre-reception prior to the actual wedding reception. Unnecessary.

    You *have* to invite SOs of WP members. I'd also include grandparents.

    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


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    SP29SP29 member
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    First, your FI needs to deal with his parents on this. That way it comes as a united front, "WE are not happy with how our guests are being treated", not coming just from you, where you become the ungrateful future daughter in law. 

    SOs is non-negotiable. They must be invited. I would have your FI have a talk with his mom about this and try to reason with her. Usually it's best if you try to explain the reason WHY it is important- because they are a social unit and they are involved to support your marriage. It would be rude to ask these people to come out and support your relationship if you (the general you, also your FMIL) do not respect and support theirs in return. If FMIL still won't invite them, then FI needs to decline her offer and you and your FI will host the RD.

    As for your OOT guests, this is not required by your FMIL. You could offer to pay for these extra people, but if she still says no, I'd let it go. 
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    Knottie06595441Knottie06595441 member
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    Very rude.  
    We're only having the wedding party and parents but we will also include SO's.  
    Which is pretty much immediate family!
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