Etiquette

Selecting Bridesmaids

Newly engaged and been thinking about who to include in the wedding party.  Did anyone feel required to include a friend who asked you to be a part of her wedding party?  What about if you are not as close as you once were?  Just wanted to get thoughts on the topic. 
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Re: Selecting Bridesmaids

  • SP29SP29
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    There is no tit for tat. Choose people who are your nearest and dearest. A good example I heard of on here, is to choose the people who you'd call up at 3am to help you bury a body. This is one of the cases where this is entirely your choice- do not feel obligated to pick anyone for your party. 

    I did feel weird choosing my bridal party. I asked two friends from school, out of a group of 5 I am close with. Initially I felt obligated to ask them all, but I didn't want that many people in my party. So I went with who I'd call to bury a body ;).

    I am also close with 3 women I met in high school. I asked one of them (my best friend) to be my MOH. The other two women have since gotten married. I have been in neither of their parties, they weren't in mine. The third to get married asked the second one to be in her bridal party, but she was not in the second ones bridal party. My best friend, the last of us to get married is not having anyone in her bridal party. Throughout all of this, various ones of us have offered to host, and attend, showers and bachelorettes. No one has gotten upset, because there is no reason.

    Relationships change, and that's OK. Pick people whom you are closest to now. 
    adk19
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston
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    Wedding parties aren't tit for tat. I was a bridesmaid for my now-SIL when she married my brother, and there was a time when she was my top choice for MOH, but over the years I've gotten closer to other people who I'm more likely to ask to be in my wedding party than my SIL. It's not a given.
  • lyndausvilyndausvi Western Slope, Colorado
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    Nope. I was a MOH and didn't even have her in my wedding.  She did attend the wedding though.  We just grew apart.  No big deal.






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
  • AddieCakeAddieCake Beyond the Wall
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    You should not have "obligatory" wedding party members, no. They should be your nearest and dearest.
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
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    PrettyGirlLost
  • My favourite saying that someone wrote on these boards was: your bridal party should consist of people who would help you hide and dispose of a body. 

    Sorry I don't remember who to attribute that to.
    PrettyGirlLost
  • hicocohicoco Chicago
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    Yes, I was in that exact situation. In March 2014 I got engaged. In May 2014 both FI and I were in a wedding when 2 of our friends got married. The groom was FI's best friend and the bride was my very close friend. During the time our friends were engaged, I grew apart from the bride for various reasons. However, when it came time for me to choose bridesmaids I definitely felt like I had to include her because I was JUST in her wedding and because her now husband and my FI are best friends. I haven't been super happy with the decision, because we've just continued to grow apart, but I felt like it was the right thing to do.
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  • adk19adk19
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    AW3380 said:
    Newly engaged and been thinking about who to include in the wedding party.  Did anyone feel required to include a friend who asked you to be a part of her wedding party?  What about if you are not as close as you once were?  Just wanted to get thoughts on the topic. 
    Pick who you want; men, women, your mom, your nephew, your college professor, whoever you are most close to.  And don't worry about evening out the "sides" either.  If you have five people you want next to you and your FI has two, perfect, you have now created the perfect bridal party for the two of you.
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston
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    My favourite saying that someone wrote on these boards was: your bridal party should consist of people who would help you hide and dispose of a body. 

    Sorry I don't remember who to attribute that to.
    I wouldn't use the bolded criteria.  People who would help you hide and dispose of a body are not necessarily going to be into your wedding or enjoy participating-even for your sake.  I'd use instead a combination of:

    -Who do I really feel close to?
    -Among those I really feel close to, who would enjoy it within reason?
    Knottie1430025803
  • Jen4948 said:
    My favourite saying that someone wrote on these boards was: your bridal party should consist of people who would help you hide and dispose of a body. 

    Sorry I don't remember who to attribute that to.
    I wouldn't use the bolded criteria.  People who would help you hide and dispose of a body are not necessarily going to be into your wedding or enjoy participating-even for your sake.  I'd use instead a combination of:

    -Who do I really feel close to?
    -Among those I really feel close to, who would enjoy it within reason?
    I would not use your second criteria. If I'm super close to friend A but I arbitrarily decide on her behalf that she won't enjoy it, then I don't even bother to ask her? 
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    adk19
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston
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    Jen4948 said:
    My favourite saying that someone wrote on these boards was: your bridal party should consist of people who would help you hide and dispose of a body. 

    Sorry I don't remember who to attribute that to.
    I wouldn't use the bolded criteria.  People who would help you hide and dispose of a body are not necessarily going to be into your wedding or enjoy participating-even for your sake.  I'd use instead a combination of:

    -Who do I really feel close to?
    -Among those I really feel close to, who would enjoy it within reason?
    I would not use your second criteria. If I'm super close to friend A but I arbitrarily decide on her behalf that she won't enjoy it, then I don't even bother to ask her? 
    I wouldn't "make an arbitrary choice that she wouldn't enjoy it."  If I know that she's into weddings, then I'd put her on my list of people to ask, but if she's someone who I might ask for help with burying a body, but has made lots of hostile comments about weddings in general or aspects of my wedding in particular, I'm not going to ask her.  And if she has a tendency to go BSC and try to control things, especially when it comes to other people's events, then no matter how good she might be at burying a body, I'm not going to ask her.
  • AW3380AW3380
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    Thanks for all the responses. My problem has been that I have selected a group I am really close to now but have been feeling guilty about not including my college roommate. I was a BM in her wedding about 10 years ago. We still keep in touch and see each other occasionally but are not as close as we once were. I haven't asked anyone yet so still trying to decide what I want to do....
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  • KatWAGKatWAG Chicago
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    AW3380 said:
    Thanks for all the responses. My problem has been that I have selected a group I am really close to now but have been feeling guilty about not including my college roommate. I was a BM in her wedding about 10 years ago. We still keep in touch and see each other occasionally but are not as close as we once were. I haven't asked anyone yet so still trying to decide what I want to do....

    Would you call her to help you bury a dead body at 3am? If the answer is yes, then ask her.
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  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston
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    edited June 2015
    Jen4948 said:
    My favourite saying that someone wrote on these boards was: your bridal party should consist of people who would help you hide and dispose of a body. 

    Sorry I don't remember who to attribute that to.
    I wouldn't use the bolded criteria.  People who would help you hide and dispose of a body are not necessarily going to be into your wedding or enjoy participating-even for your sake.  I'd use instead a combination of:

    -Who do I really feel close to?
    -Among those I really feel close to, who would enjoy it within reason?
    Should I have used Comic Sans and pink? And hell ya, my BMs would help me hide and dispose of a body. If there is food and booze too, Bonus! Lighten up @Jen4948, I was trying to give an example of the closeness factor. Also, I'm sad that you don't have anyone to help you dispose of a body in your time of need.
    How the fuck would you know that, @TrixieJess? Go be sad for your own fucking self.  I don't need your bullshit projections.  I have plenty of people I would ask to help dispose of a body.  But you know what?  They hate weddings!

    I just think that "burying a body" is not the best example of "closeness."  It has nothing the fuck to do with "being close."
    Knottie1430025803
  • Jen4948 said:
    Jen4948 said:
    My favourite saying that someone wrote on these boards was: your bridal party should consist of people who would help you hide and dispose of a body. 

    Sorry I don't remember who to attribute that to.
    I wouldn't use the bolded criteria.  People who would help you hide and dispose of a body are not necessarily going to be into your wedding or enjoy participating-even for your sake.  I'd use instead a combination of:

    -Who do I really feel close to?
    -Among those I really feel close to, who would enjoy it within reason?
    Should I have used Comic Sans and pink? And hell ya, my BMs would help me hide and dispose of a body. If there is food and booze too, Bonus! Lighten up @Jen4948, I was trying to give an example of the closeness factor. Also, I'm sad that you don't have anyone to help you dispose of a body in your time of need.
    How the fuck would you know that, @TrixieJess? Go be sad for your own fucking self.  I don't need your bullshit projections.  I have plenty of people I would ask to help dispose of a body.  But you know what?  They hate weddings!

    I just think that "burying a body" is not the best example of "closeness."  It has nothing the fuck to do with "being close."
    Oooookay. Seems I hit a nerve. 

    Either way OP, since you seem to have a bit of a sense of humour, pick someone who you are close to. It's also okay not to have a WP. Don't just pick people because you feel you SHOULD. 
    redoryxjustsieSTARMOON44
  • Jen4948 said:
    Jen4948 said:
    My favourite saying that someone wrote on these boards was: your bridal party should consist of people who would help you hide and dispose of a body. 

    Sorry I don't remember who to attribute that to.
    I wouldn't use the bolded criteria.  People who would help you hide and dispose of a body are not necessarily going to be into your wedding or enjoy participating-even for your sake.  I'd use instead a combination of:

    -Who do I really feel close to?
    -Among those I really feel close to, who would enjoy it within reason?
    I would not use your second criteria. If I'm super close to friend A but I arbitrarily decide on her behalf that she won't enjoy it, then I don't even bother to ask her? 
    I wouldn't "make an arbitrary choice that she wouldn't enjoy it."  If I know that she's into weddings, then I'd put her on my list of people to ask, but if she's someone who I might ask for help with burying a body, but has made lots of hostile comments about weddings in general or aspects of my wedding in particular, I'm not going to ask her.  And if she has a tendency to go BSC and try to control things, especially when it comes to other people's events, then no matter how good she might be at burying a body, I'm not going to ask her.
    I guess my question is why do you seem to have people in your life who would go BSC and control things and make a lot of negative comments, let alone have those even be on your body burying/potential bridesmaid list?  Or is it a birds of a feather, flock together sort of thing?  Because I can't think of a single person in my circle who I would describe as controlling or BSC because those are not enjoyable people and I don't therefore don't choose to spend my life with people like that. 

    But yes, OP, if you enjoy hanging out with hostile BSC people on the reg, they may not make the best bridesmaids, so keep that in mind.  And on the off chance you happen to be metaphor-impaired, all TrixieJess meant by "burying a body" was that you should pick the people closest to you that you know have your back and can depend to be there for you and keep your trust 24/7 - would these be people you would call in the middle of the night in an emergency?  Would these be people you trust?  Because what you're doing is honoring your relationship with them by saying they are the ones you want by your side as you start this new portion of your life.  It shouldn't be something you bestow on someone because "they like weddings" or you want even sides or once upon a time you were really close and now you feel obligated.  This isn't something you do out of obligation, you do it out of love and friendship.
    novella1186TrixieJessadk19frenchiekin
  • thisismynickname2thisismynickname2 City By The Lake
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    I'll just chime in and say I know it's hard to not pick someone, because of whatever reason. I wanted a small wedding and a small bridal party, so I chose my sister, my current best friend, and my best friend since childhood. There are a few more women I consider near and dear to my heart, one of whom I was a BM for a few years prior. Yeah, I felt awkward (especially when I could tell one was trying to fish for information), but I simply owned my choice. I didn't talk about bridal party stuff around them. When my BMs threw me a bachelorette, we didn't single out the bridesmaids with badges or bedazzled t-shirts or anything that's normally considered "fun" or "silly." Those are simply the women who stood up for me on the wedding day. It's totally fine! Don't worry about this. 
    ________________________________


    SP29
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston
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    jacques27 said:
    Jen4948 said:
    Jen4948 said:
    My favourite saying that someone wrote on these boards was: your bridal party should consist of people who would help you hide and dispose of a body. 

    Sorry I don't remember who to attribute that to.
    I wouldn't use the bolded criteria.  People who would help you hide and dispose of a body are not necessarily going to be into your wedding or enjoy participating-even for your sake.  I'd use instead a combination of:

    -Who do I really feel close to?
    -Among those I really feel close to, who would enjoy it within reason?
    I would not use your second criteria. If I'm super close to friend A but I arbitrarily decide on her behalf that she won't enjoy it, then I don't even bother to ask her? 
    I wouldn't "make an arbitrary choice that she wouldn't enjoy it."  If I know that she's into weddings, then I'd put her on my list of people to ask, but if she's someone who I might ask for help with burying a body, but has made lots of hostile comments about weddings in general or aspects of my wedding in particular, I'm not going to ask her.  And if she has a tendency to go BSC and try to control things, especially when it comes to other people's events, then no matter how good she might be at burying a body, I'm not going to ask her.
    I guess my question is why do you seem to have people in your life who would go BSC and control things and make a lot of negative comments, let alone have those even be on your body burying/potential bridesmaid list?  Or is it a birds of a feather, flock together sort of thing?  Because I can't think of a single person in my circle who I would describe as controlling or BSC because those are not enjoyable people and I don't therefore don't choose to spend my life with people like that. 

    But yes, OP, if you enjoy hanging out with hostile BSC people on the reg, they may not make the best bridesmaids, so keep that in mind.  And on the off chance you happen to be metaphor-impaired, all TrixieJess meant by "burying a body" was that you should pick the people closest to you that you know have your back and can depend to be there for you and keep your trust 24/7 - would these be people you would call in the middle of the night in an emergency?  Would these be people you trust?  Because what you're doing is honoring your relationship with them by saying they are the ones you want by your side as you start this new portion of your life.  It shouldn't be something you bestow on someone because "they like weddings" or you want even sides or once upon a time you were really close and now you feel obligated.  This isn't something you do out of obligation, you do it out of love and friendship.
    Who said I had any such people in my life?  I didn't.  I merely said that if such people exist in anyone's life, they shouldn't be asked to be in one's wedding party.

    Just because you're close to someone doesn't mean they'd enjoy the experience of being in your wedding party.  Do you really want someone in it who does it begrudgingly out of a self-imposed sense of "obligation" ?  No-for the same reason we don't advise asking someone out of a self-imposed sense of "obligation" on one's own part.  You may feel close to someone, and they may feel close to you, but that someone may well not want to have to obtain a dress and walk down the aisle with you and back.  Yeah, that doesn't sound like much, but even if I felt really close to someone, if I know that that someone really doesn't like doing that, I'll think twice about asking that person to be in my wedding party.

    Same thing with someone who acts BSC or has other negative characteristics.  Those characteristics don't go away simply because that person has been asked to be in a wedding-even if that person is someone you might ask to help bury a body at 3am.  And there are plenty of stories, here in this forum or elsewhere, of brides and grooms who do ask such people to be in their wedding parties and then are upset because those people do act BSC or otherwise negatively.

    So I still maintain that "burying a body" isn't by itself a good criterion for deciding whom to ask to be in a wedding.
  • adk19adk19
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    Whatever you end up doing, don't ask anyone to be in your wedding party until you're 9 months or so away from the wedding.  Any sooner and you risk big changes in relationships that could add drama to what should be a drama-free decision.
    zitiqueenSP29
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston
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    edited June 2015
    KatWAG said:
     
    Jen4948 said:
    Jen4948 said:
    My favourite saying that someone wrote on these boards was: your bridal party should consist of people who would help you hide and dispose of a body. 

    Sorry I don't remember who to attribute that to.
    I wouldn't use the bolded criteria.  People who would help you hide and dispose of a body are not necessarily going to be into your wedding or enjoy participating-even for your sake.  I'd use instead a combination of:

    -Who do I really feel close to?
    -Among those I really feel close to, who would enjoy it within reason?
    Should I have used Comic Sans and pink? And hell ya, my BMs would help me hide and dispose of a body. If there is food and booze too, Bonus! Lighten up @Jen4948, I was trying to give an example of the closeness factor. Also, I'm sad that you don't have anyone to help you dispose of a body in your time of need.
    How the fuck would you know that, @TrixieJess? Go be sad for your own fucking self.  I don't need your bullshit projections.  I have plenty of people I would ask to help dispose of a body.  But you know what?  They hate weddings!

    I just think that "burying a body" is not the best example of "closeness."  It has nothing the fuck to do with "being close."
    Holy overreaction Jen. Cool your tits.
    No.  I don't appreciate having "bitterness" and "feeling sad for me" bullshit projected onto me by someone I merely disagreed with. Cool your own tits.
  • KatWAGKatWAG Chicago
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    Jen4948 said:
    KatWAG said:
     
    Jen4948 said:
    Jen4948 said:
    My favourite saying that someone wrote on these boards was: your bridal party should consist of people who would help you hide and dispose of a body. 

    Sorry I don't remember who to attribute that to.
    I wouldn't use the bolded criteria.  People who would help you hide and dispose of a body are not necessarily going to be into your wedding or enjoy participating-even for your sake.  I'd use instead a combination of:

    -Who do I really feel close to?
    -Among those I really feel close to, who would enjoy it within reason?
    Should I have used Comic Sans and pink? And hell ya, my BMs would help me hide and dispose of a body. If there is food and booze too, Bonus! Lighten up @Jen4948, I was trying to give an example of the closeness factor. Also, I'm sad that you don't have anyone to help you dispose of a body in your time of need.
    How the fuck would you know that, @TrixieJess? Go be sad for your own fucking self.  I don't need your bullshit projections.  I have plenty of people I would ask to help dispose of a body.  But you know what?  They hate weddings!

    I just think that "burying a body" is not the best example of "closeness."  It has nothing the fuck to do with "being close."
    Holy overreaction Jen. Cool your tits.
    No.  @TrixieJess projected "bitterness" and other bullshit onto me and I don't fucking appreciate that.

    Again, you are seriously over reacting to a harmless comment. Might be time to back away from the internet for a few hours.image

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    zitiqueen
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston
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    KatWAG said:
    Jen4948 said:
    KatWAG said:
     
    Jen4948 said:
    Jen4948 said:
    My favourite saying that someone wrote on these boards was: your bridal party should consist of people who would help you hide and dispose of a body. 

    Sorry I don't remember who to attribute that to.
    I wouldn't use the bolded criteria.  People who would help you hide and dispose of a body are not necessarily going to be into your wedding or enjoy participating-even for your sake.  I'd use instead a combination of:

    -Who do I really feel close to?
    -Among those I really feel close to, who would enjoy it within reason?
    Should I have used Comic Sans and pink? And hell ya, my BMs would help me hide and dispose of a body. If there is food and booze too, Bonus! Lighten up @Jen4948, I was trying to give an example of the closeness factor. Also, I'm sad that you don't have anyone to help you dispose of a body in your time of need.
    How the fuck would you know that, @TrixieJess? Go be sad for your own fucking self.  I don't need your bullshit projections.  I have plenty of people I would ask to help dispose of a body.  But you know what?  They hate weddings!

    I just think that "burying a body" is not the best example of "closeness."  It has nothing the fuck to do with "being close."
    Holy overreaction Jen. Cool your tits.
    No.  @TrixieJess projected "bitterness" and other bullshit onto me and I don't fucking appreciate that.

    Again, you are seriously over reacting to a harmless comment. Might be time to back away from the internet for a few hours.image

    Knock off trying to tell me how to post or whether or not even to be on the Internet.  It's not up to you.
  • KatWAGKatWAG Chicago
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    ---snip---
    Holy overreaction Jen. Cool your tits.
    No.  @TrixieJess projected "bitterness" and other bullshit onto me and I don't fucking appreciate that.

    Again, you are seriously over reacting to a harmless comment. Might be time to back away from the internet for a few hours.image

    Knock off trying to tell me how to post or whether or not even to be on the Internet.  It's not up to you.
    image
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  • Jen4948 said:
    Jen4948 said:
    My favourite saying that someone wrote on these boards was: your bridal party should consist of people who would help you hide and dispose of a body. 

    Sorry I don't remember who to attribute that to.
    I wouldn't use the bolded criteria.  People who would help you hide and dispose of a body are not necessarily going to be into your wedding or enjoy participating-even for your sake.  I'd use instead a combination of:

    -Who do I really feel close to?
    -Among those I really feel close to, who would enjoy it within reason?
    Should I have used Comic Sans and pink? And hell ya, my BMs would help me hide and dispose of a body. If there is food and booze too, Bonus! Lighten up @Jen4948, I was trying to give an example of the closeness factor. Also, I'm sad that you don't have anyone to help you dispose of a body in your time of need.
    How the fuck would you know that, @TrixieJess? Go be sad for your own fucking self.  I don't need your bullshit projections.  I have plenty of people I would ask to help dispose of a body.  But you know what?  They hate weddings!

    I just think that "burying a body" is not the best example of "closeness."  It has nothing the fuck to do with "being close."
    image
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    novella1186ginnybinny17flbride2015
  • TrixieJessTrixieJess
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    edited June 2015
    Jen4948 said:
    KatWAG said:
     
    Jen4948 said:
    Jen4948 said:
    My favourite saying that someone wrote on these boards was: your bridal party should consist of people who would help you hide and dispose of a body. 

    Sorry I don't remember who to attribute that to.
    I wouldn't use the bolded criteria.  People who would help you hide and dispose of a body are not necessarily going to be into your wedding or enjoy participating-even for your sake.  I'd use instead a combination of:

    -Who do I really feel close to?
    -Among those I really feel close to, who would enjoy it within reason?
    Should I have used Comic Sans and pink? And hell ya, my BMs would help me hide and dispose of a body. If there is food and booze too, Bonus! Lighten up @Jen4948, I was trying to give an example of the closeness factor. Also, I'm sad that you don't have anyone to help you dispose of a body in your time of need.
    How the fuck would you know that, @TrixieJess? Go be sad for your own fucking self.  I don't need your bullshit projections.  I have plenty of people I would ask to help dispose of a body.  But you know what?  They hate weddings!

    I just think that "burying a body" is not the best example of "closeness."  It has nothing the fuck to do with "being close."
    Holy overreaction Jen. Cool your tits.
    No.  I don't appreciate having "bitterness" and "feeling sad for me" bullshit projected onto me by someone I merely disagreed with. Cool your own tits.
    Calm down, I wasn't projecting anything on you. I'm sorry that you don't speak sarcasm and that your sense of humour is not in gear.

    image
    KatWAGjustsie
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