Etiquette

Bridesmaid regrets...

KnotsofloveKnotsoflove
10 Comments First Anniversary 5 Love Its
member
edited June 2015 in Etiquette
Two months into my engagement and I am already realizing I made a huge mistake with one of my bm's in particular. A few of the other girls, while they are close friends - I do wish I would have thought about it a little more before asking, but that isn't a big deal.

Has anyone every regretted a bm and/or asked told her you didn't want her in the wedding? What was the situation? What happened?

While I called this girl one of my best friends (even wanted her to almost be a "co-moh"), it finally took me getting engaged to realize we aren't and never really were. The friendship had it's place in college and shortly after but it's like once the next stage of growing up was suppose to occur, I went and she's still stuck wanting to be 21. I should have noticed the red flags with her when I was just dating my fi but I chose not to. Honestly, I don't see our friendship lasting further into my adult life... especially not once I am officially married (yes, I am an adult, I am 27 and she just turned 30).

Everything from the dresses I have liked, to the venue, to my ideas... she's had something negative to say about it and pulls the "I am just saying this because I am your BFF" - she's already caused me and my MOH to have a disagreement and we NEVER argue.

I literally feel like I am in a bridal party joke.

Re: Bridesmaid regrets...

  • emmaaaemmaaa North Carolina
    Moderator 2500 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary
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    erynz said:
    Two months into my engagement and I am already realizing I made a huge mistake with one of my bm's in particular. A few of the other girls, while they are close friends - I do wish I would have thought about it a little more before asking, but that isn't a big deal.

    Has anyone every regretted a bm and/or asked told her you didn't want her in the wedding? What was the situation? What happened?

    While I called this girl one of my best friends (even wanted her to almost be a "co-moh"), it finally took me getting engaged to realize we aren't. I should have noticed the red flags with her when I was just dating my fi but I chose not to. Honestly, I don't see our friendship lasting into my adult life... especially not once I am officially married.

    Everything from the dresses I have liked, to the venue, to my ideas... she's had something negative to say about it and pulls the "I am just saying this because I am your BFF" - she's already caused me and my MOH to have a disagreement and we NEVER argue.

    I literally feel like I am in a bridal party joke.
    You have already asked her to be  BM. If you ask to to back out (basically kicking her out) now, that is a relationship ending move. 

    I am curious, what do you mean by your friendship not lasting into adult life? Are you not an adult now?

    lyndausvi
  • mikenbergermikenberger In a f'n cornfield
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its First Anniversary First Answer
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    erynz said:
    Two months into my engagement and I am already realizing I made a huge mistake with one of my bm's in particular. A few of the other girls, while they are close friends - I do wish I would have thought about it a little more before asking, but that isn't a big deal.

    Has anyone every regretted a bm and/or asked told her you didn't want her in the wedding? What was the situation? What happened?

    While I called this girl one of my best friends (even wanted her to almost be a "co-moh"), it finally took me getting engaged to realize we aren't. I should have noticed the red flags with her when I was just dating my fi but I chose not to. Honestly, I don't see our friendship lasting into my adult life... especially not once I am officially married.

    Everything from the dresses I have liked, to the venue, to my ideas... she's had something negative to say about it and pulls the "I am just saying this because I am your BFF" - she's already caused me and my MOH to have a disagreement and we NEVER argue.

    I literally feel like I am in a bridal party joke.

    Kick her out of your wedding if you don't want to be friends with her ever again. That is an absolute friendship ending move. We have plenty of brides that come on here wanting to know if they can replace a bridesmaid or kick one out etc. We tell every single one of them: "Suck it up, buttercup. Unless you never want to be friends with her again, you cannot kick her out."

    And having an argument is a choice. Someone can't MAKE you argue. 

    image
    OliveOilsMomMyNameIsNot
  • So the ship has sailed. You have asked her and she has accepted. Now all you can do is wave form the shoreline as it floats out of sight.

    This type of question has been asked too many times to count here. There answer is always the same. You asked and now you are stuck with it. Can you kick her out? Sure, I guess. There is no law against it. But that is a friendship ending move. I would expect never to speak with her again and you will have to deal with any backlash from other friends etc.

    The better option would probably be to keep her in the wedding. Do not talk to her about wedding stuff much, no more than logistics she needs to know. A wedding party is not a work party so none of them should be expected to do anything so the interactions you need with them based on just wedding stuff is limited anyway.

    It is up to you but this is a pretty serious situation and a good heads up for lurkers about why the advice is always to not pick your party too early, be thoughtful about who you pick and only pick those who are truly VERY close to you.
    lachattefataleKnotsoflove[Deleted User]CMGragain
  • I meant further into adult life... once I have children etc.
  • LondonLisaLondonLisa London, UK
    2500 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    member
    edited June 2015

    erynz said:
    Two months into my engagement and I am already realizing I made a huge mistake with one of my bm's in particular. A few of the other girls, while they are close friends - I do wish I would have thought about it a little more before asking, but that isn't a big deal.

    Has anyone every regretted a bm and/or asked told her you didn't want her in the wedding? What was the situation? What happened?

    While I called this girl one of my best friends (even wanted her to almost be a "co-moh"), it finally took me getting engaged to realize we aren't and never really were. The friendship had it's place in college and shortly after but it's like once the next stage of growing up was suppose to occur, I went and she's still stuck wanting to be 21. I should have noticed the red flags with her when I was just dating my fi but I chose not to. Honestly, I don't see our friendship lasting further into my adult life... especially not once I am officially married (yes, I am an adult, I am 27 and she just turned 30).

    Everything from the dresses I have liked, to the venue, to my ideas... she's had something negative to say about it and pulls the "I am just saying this because I am your BFF" - she's already caused me and my MOH to have a disagreement and we NEVER argue.

    I literally feel like I am in a bridal party joke.
    This all sounds incredibly immature. I find it rather ironic that you are being elitist about her not growing up when it seems like you are blaming her for high school drama.

    1.) How can someone make you get in an argument with another adult?
    2.) what do you mean by "officially" married
    3.) She obviously meant something to you before all of this or you wouldn't have asked her
    4.) Short of physical violence, BM demotion is one of the worst things a bride could do. If i knew someone that kicked out a BM, I would reevaluate my relationship with the bride.

    All a BM has to do is show up on the day. Tell her what dress to get and leave it. It really cannot affect you this much without you letting it.


    sparklepants41[Deleted User]
  • climbingwifeclimbingwife NYC 'burbs
    10000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
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    I also don't understand how someone can make you fight with another person. That makes no sense to me. And it seems like she's just expressing her opinions on things. I also don't really see a problem with that, unless you're the type of person that just wants her friends to all agree with her on all things. 

    Kicking her out of your wedding will for sure end your friendship with her. If you don't want to remain friends, then kick her out. But honestly, be prepared for the fallout of that. I was once in a wedding for someone I had been friends with since college. The way she treated another bridesmaid made me seriously question her character. Long story short, we're no longer friends. 

  • OliveOilsMomOliveOilsMom South Jersey
    Seventh Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
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    If you really feel that this friendship has run its course, then tell her you don't want to be friends with her anymore.  Don't make this about your wedding in anyway.

    "Friend, we had many great times together, but I feel like at this point we are just heading in different directions in our life.  I just don't see how this friendship can continue.  I wish you nothing but the best in life."  If you end the friendship, her involvement in your wedding will naturally fall away.

    But if you want to potentially save this friendship and see it evolve, then keep her in your wedding party.  But don't discuss the wedding with her.  When you pick our a BM dress, just make sure it fits within her privately specified budget and give her info so she can order it herself.  Then all she needs to do is show up in the dress at the time you tell her.  Anything else she does (or any other BP member for that matter) that goes above and beyond is just icing on the cake.

    Knotsoflovesouthernbelle0915thisismynickname2[Deleted User]
  • MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot Atlanta
    Eighth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
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    Kicking her out is really nasty, and will end your friendship. It may also strain other relationships when your friends see you treating this girl that way.

    If you didn't recognize that your relationship was waning before you asked her to be a BM, that's on you. People don't change just because you get engaged. You can regret that you asked her, but your remedy for that is to re-evaluate why you are expecting her to be someone different than she was six months ago. 

    Blaming her for a fight you had with someone else is absurd and quite immature. Your fight with your MOH is because of you and/or your MOH. A third person cannot be responsible for that.  
  • KnotsofloveKnotsoflove
    10 Comments First Anniversary 5 Love Its
    member
    edited June 2015
    You all are right, I am taking this entire thing too personally and out of context. I just need to leave it as it is and just continue on...

    Sorry to not clarify, but it wasn't that my MOH and I had a '"fight" it was that the BM went behind my back and told the MOH things I never said - which caused a really awkward situation, not a full on argument or fight.
    lachattefataleemmaaanovella1186
  • I totally feel for you, OP. I've spent the last few years purposefully drifting away from a couple of "friends" whose behavior was just not what I want to be part of my life. It's unfortunate, but it often takes an unpleasant situation to make you see that there's a problem. And I haaaate when people deliberately cause misunderstandings to stir up drama. Ugh.

    I agree with PP that kicking her out would end the friendship (and on a much more sour note than you might otherwise achieve), and the best option is just to limit how much you involve her in wedding stuff. Make sure she's not involved in hosting any pre-wedding parties, but do make sure she's invited. Do not ask her opinions on bridesmaid dresses, but do make sure you choose one in her budget and reasonably flattering to your whole party. And after the wedding is all over, just see her less often.
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    KnotsofloveJerseyBeachGal22
  • erynz said:
    Two months into my engagement and I am already realizing I made a huge mistake with one of my bm's in particular. A few of the other girls, while they are close friends - I do wish I would have thought about it a little more before asking, but that isn't a big deal.

    Has anyone every regretted a bm and/or asked told her you didn't want her in the wedding? What was the situation? What happened?

    While I called this girl one of my best friends (even wanted her to almost be a "co-moh"), it finally took me getting engaged to realize we aren't and never really were. The friendship had it's place in college and shortly after but it's like once the next stage of growing up was suppose to occur, I went and she's still stuck wanting to be 21. I should have noticed the red flags with her when I was just dating my fi but I chose not to. Honestly, I don't see our friendship lasting further into my adult life... especially not once I am officially married (yes, I am an adult, I am 27 and she just turned 30).

    Everything from the dresses I have liked, to the venue, to my ideas... she's had something negative to say about it and pulls the "I am just saying this because I am your BFF" - she's already caused me and my MOH to have a disagreement and we NEVER argue.

    I literally feel like I am in a bridal party joke.
    JIC


  • lyndausvilyndausvi Western Slope, Colorado
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its
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    erynz said:
    I meant further into adult life... once I have children etc.
    Why?   Does she eat children and you worry about their safety?



    I've never had kids, doesn't look like I will either.   Sure some relationships didn't make it when my friends had kids. Others had Eb and Flo times.   Now that a lot of the kids are older relationships have been rekindled.   I can't say any of these things were pre-planned.  I moved, they moved, their priorities rightfully changed.  I was living the single life.    Things just evolved. 

    Also,  some couples who also have kids had relationships change with other friends who have kids.  Their kids are in different schools or just a few years older or younger. Have different activities.   So they end up running in different crowds.

    IDK, it's weird to go from asking someone to be in your wedding and then a few months later deciding that when you get married have kids you will not longer be friends with them.   I just do not understand pre-planning no longer being friends with someone.






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
    ohannabelleMaggie0829OliveOilsMom[Deleted User]
  • Why does it seem like so many people when coming on these boards for advice/validation claim that "their friends were the 'bestest'"," they would do anything for them include going to the ends of the earth", "always wanting them in their lives" . . . to kicking them out of the wedding and dropping them so fast? This seems to be a habit that seems pretty gross in all honesty.

     

    I know my friends. I don't expect them to change for my wedding and I won't be surprised by really anything (unless they are pregnant and going through a hormonal phase, even depression I would recognize). If I knew a friend was flaky, I would be like "okay she's flaky, I can deal", NOT "Holy sh*t! How dare she flake out on this, this, and this! I expected things to be different because this is about me!!!!" Also, I'd recognize if a friend was drifting away. I just don't get this concept that seems to be appearing lately. Anyone want to help me understand?

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    lyndausvinovella1186
  •  I didn't say I was going to kick her out or planned on it - I was asking if other people had been in this same situation and what they did... Kind of was just looking for other peoples experiences.

    vikinganna87
  • scribe95 said:
    I also find it interesting that many brides on here ask for advice/opinions on something - dress, colors, food, whatever - and then get mad when someone has a different opinion and voices it. 
    Thankfully it seems OP was pretty receptive. But I agree, I haven't been here long and I've seen too much of this. I can't imagine if I had been here even longer!
    image
    thefanciestbeckler
  • erynz said:
    You all are right, I am taking this entire thing too personally and out of context. I just need to leave it as it is and just continue on...

    Sorry to not clarify, but it wasn't that my MOH and I had a '"fight" it was that the BM went behind my back and told the MOH things I never said - which caused a really awkward situation, not a full on argument or fight.
    I'm glad that you are open to the advice given here OP. Many of the knotties here don't sugar coat things, and that has helped me see so many mistakes I was making in my own wedding that could leave my guests feeling awkward/ hurt/ etc. Stick around and lurk the boards, you will learn a lot.
    image
    Knotsoflovenovella1186
  • erynz said:
     I didn't say I was going to kick her out or planned on it - I was asking if other people had been in this same situation and what they did... Kind of was just looking for other peoples experiences.

    For the record, yes.

    Now keep in mind, what I did has nothing to do with you, or what you should/should not do.

    I had a friend, and at the time, we were very close as couples - her and her husband with me and my then FI.  When it came time to choose the bridal party, we had to make a choice, because either we were going to be even better friends and regret not having them in the party, or it would all go to hell and we'd wish we'd never asked them.

    We ended up having them in the wedding.  There was nothing *too* problematic, but she was "that BM" who kinda whined about everything.  Didn't like the dress.  Didn't like that our hair appts started at 8:30am (hair wasn't mandatory).  Was difficult when planning the shower (I found out after the fact).  Just stupid, petty nonsense.

    I kept her in the wedding and everyone just sorta played nice and we all sucked it up and had a beautiful day.  But now we aren't even friends.  No big drama; the friendship just fizzled out.  And I look at my photos and sigh and wish I hadn't had her in my wedding.

    But that ship has sailed.  So now you get to decide if you want to cut all ties with her, remove her from your wedding party and no longer be friends (because that is your only option if you go that route), or if you suck it up and carry on.  Good luck.
    Knotsoflovethefanciestbeckler
  • thisismynickname2thisismynickname2 City By The Lake
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
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    Yup, been there, OP.

    I think wedding planning magnifies the issues we don't like in our friends. I know nobody's perfect and we can love our friends, imperfections and all. Things you may overlook/deal with in another person's behavior can become downright hurtful when the same behavior is exhibited during the wedding planning process. 

    I saw a fellow bridesmaid be a manipulative bitch behind a bride's back once. She was always a manipulative person, but seeing her do that and cause my friend stress contributed to my decision to distance myself from her and end that friendship.

    DH had a close friend- who he asked to be a groomsman somewhat out of some feeling of obligation-- that was often selfish, but he overlooked that trait for a dozen years. When the guy continued to be a selfish jerk leading up to our wedding, they had an argument and the guy took himself out of our wedding, and the friendship ended. 

    So, yeah, been there. If you don't want to be friends with this person anymore, the advice above is good advice. 
    ________________________________


    Knotsoflovevikinganna87emmaaathefanciestbeckler
  • vikinganna87vikinganna87 Live Free or Die
    Fourth Anniversary 250 Love Its 100 Comments First Answer
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    Agree with PPs that you can't kick her out.  Just suck it up and try not to let her bother you.  Try not to let her negative comments influence you and if you can, don't get her overly involved in details.

    Before I met H, I asked one of my sisters to be my MOH if I decided to get married someday.  By the time I got engaged, I kinda regretted my decision but didn't feel like I could back out.  This sister is incredibly tightly-wound and scary mean if she's in a bad mood.  She ended up declining to go on my bachelorette weekend (she has 1.5 yr old twins).  I was a bit scared she'd do something destructive in a jealous rage on the morning of my wedding but she was totally fine.

    As for the rest of the wedding party, I opted for my other sister and H's sister and cousin instead of my best friends.  Since our wedding was really small, the friends we invited were really close, so I didn't want anyone to feel excluded from the wedding party.

    I still sometimes wish I had my friends instead of my relatives as my maids but it's really not a big deal in the scheme of things. 

    Bridesmaid drama seems to be a common occurrence in weddings.  Getting married and how your friends react to it often separates your true friends from those that you don't really have anything in common with any longer.

    Knotsoflove
  • erynz said:
     I didn't say I was going to kick her out or planned on it - I was asking if other people had been in this same situation and what they did... Kind of was just looking for other peoples experiences.

    Yep. But my situation was with my sister. We didn't get along at all when we were kids. In our 20s we suddenly became BFFs (even though she was still a bitch. But I knew she was a bitch, and I was good at ignoring her when she flew off the handle, so no big deal.) 

    I asked her to be my MOH. She was SUPER excited that I was getting married, and kept wanting to talk to me about my dress, my plans, etc. 

    However, things went real bad real fast. Basically she went completely crazy at my engagement party. Screamed insults at me, cussed at me, had a major meltdown and said some absolutely horrible things. No one could calm her down. And she never explained why she did that and never apologized. Then she completely stopped talking to me. 

    I tried reaching out to her several times, but she ignored me. Then she sent me an incredibly cruel email, insulting me again. She told my mom she was not coming to the wedding and would not be my MOH. Well, fine. There was nothing I could do at that point. If she didn't want to be in my wedding and didn't want to talk to me anymore, it's not like I could force her. 

    She ended up showing up to my wedding but didn't speak to me. Since then, I've seen her a couple times at my parents' house which has been a little awkward but she's at least cordial towards me. So we have not gone back to being BFFs. I'm still confused as to what the fuck happened and why things went down the way they did. But sometimes relationships change or end and that's that. 
    image
    Knotsoflove
  • erynz said:
    Two months into my engagement and I am already realizing I made a huge mistake with one of my bm's in particular. A few of the other girls, while they are close friends - I do wish I would have thought about it a little more before asking, but that isn't a big deal.

    Has anyone every regretted a bm and/or asked told her you didn't want her in the wedding? What was the situation? What happened?

    While I called this girl one of my best friends (even wanted her to almost be a "co-moh"), it finally took me getting engaged to realize we aren't and never really were. The friendship had it's place in college and shortly after but it's like once the next stage of growing up was suppose to occur, I went and she's still stuck wanting to be 21. I should have noticed the red flags with her when I was just dating my fi but I chose not to. Honestly, I don't see our friendship lasting further into my adult life... especially not once I am officially married (yes, I am an adult, I am 27 and she just turned 30).

    Everything from the dresses I have liked, to the venue, to my ideas... she's had something negative to say about it and pulls the "I am just saying this because I am your BFF" - she's already caused me and my MOH to have a disagreement and we NEVER argue.

    I literally feel like I am in a bridal party joke.
    What does "officially married" mean?
    httpiimgurcomTCCjW0wjpg
  • Agree with PPs that you can't kick her out.  Just suck it up and try not to let her bother you.  Try not to let her negative comments influence you and if you can, don't get her overly involved in details.

    Before I met H, I asked one of my sisters to be my MOH if I decided to get married someday.  By the time I got engaged, I kinda regretted my decision but didn't feel like I could back out.  This sister is incredibly tightly-wound and scary mean if she's in a bad mood.  She ended up declining to go on my bachelorette weekend (she has 1.5 yr old twins).  I was a bit scared she'd do something destructive in a jealous rage on the morning of my wedding but she was totally fine.

    As for the rest of the wedding party, I opted for my other sister and H's sister and cousin instead of my best friends.  Since our wedding was really small, the friends we invited were really close, so I didn't want anyone to feel excluded from the wedding party.

    I still sometimes wish I had my friends instead of my relatives as my maids but it's really not a big deal in the scheme of things. 

    Bridesmaid drama seems to be a common occurrence in weddings.  Getting married and how your friends react to it often separates your true friends from those that you don't really have anything in common with any longer.


    Not saying you said everyone has BM drama, but I did not. The only "drama" I had with a BM was the evening of the rehearsal dinner. I gave them Italian charm bracelets. Apparently it was just a bit too snug for one BM and she found it uncomfortable. So her and my MOH told me that had to go do something (they were staying at my parents'house with me) and she went and bought herself another link so it'd be bigger. She didn't tell me b/c she thought I'd be mad and stressed out. She told me months later. I asked why she thought it would upset me. She laughed and said she had no idea, but it made sense at the time.
  • I would say for the rest of the planning, limit what you share on details with any of the BM & just say, while I appreciate your opinions I want there to be some surprises for everyone. If you don't share any details with any of the BM, they won't have to lie to her about knowing things. So then she won't feel left out if they don't know either. And if no one knows what's going on, no negative feedback either. It will reduce your stress level too. Then after the wedding, you can re-visit wanting to maintain your friendship with her.
    Knotsoflove
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