Anyone else's mom being an a-hole?

Re: Anyone else's mom being an a-hole?

• artbyallie mod

  

  June 2015

  okheresthedeal said:

  First of all, I'm so happy I found other snarky brides... finally a board where you don't have to blow smoke up everyone's ass!

  
  

  Here's the deal: I love my mom, but we have never really been that close. I was always really close to my dad (who passed away in 2013) and I think she always resented that I was closer to him than her. I'm 30 years old and engaged to a great guy who everyone in the family (including her) seems to like, but so far, she just hasn't seemed happy for me at all. It feels like she wishes I would elope or something. Here are some examples of what she has said:

  
  

  1.) Right after I told her we were engaged, she told me not to spend too much on the wedding. And that when I'm 65 I'll wish I didn't spend the money on my wedding so I can retire. She hasn't contributed any funds towards the wedding and I would rather keep it that way. True, I guess we could save our money, but is it such a crime to spend on celebrating our marriage with friends and family? It isn't a cheap wedding, but we aren't going hog wild either!

  
  

  Don't discuss any wedding details with her. Change the subject if she brings it up. Make it clear the topic is closed.

  
  

  2.) She was pissed because I wouldn't use the traditional wording with parents names on my wedding invitations. Mainly because (and I told her this) my dad is gone and it makes me sad to precede his name with "the late" and they divorced when I was little. Also, my FI and I are paying for the wedding not our parents!

  
  

  Deceased people do not belong on invitations even with 'the late' added to their name. But you certainly do not have to put parents' names on there if you don't want to.

  
  

  3.) This is the real kicker: My mom is christian and apparently doesn't agree with me living with my FI before marriage. She had the nerve to tell me that I shouldn't have anyone walk me down the aisle or give me away because I have already given myself away and it would be really tacky. I wasn't planning on having anyone give me away anyways! I haven't lived at home in 8 years! I never mentioned this to her, but I was thinking about asking her to walk me down the aisle before she said that, but at this point, I'd rather walk alone with the memory of my dad. 

  
  

  Again, this is none of her business. Talk about something else any time she says anything about the wedding. Hang up the phone. Whatever it takes. She sounds pretty bitter and toxic.

  
  

  Am I being too sensitive? Has anyone else dealt with something like this? What the hell?!

  
  

  

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• charlottesmom0626 member

  

  June 2015 edited June 2015

  Try to let it go. I don't have a good relationship with my mother either; I've had similar issues.

  
  

  Remember that you can't change what other people say or do, but you can change your reaction to them. Remember the end goal: you get to marry your FI! 

  
  

  Try to keep your mom out of wedding planning. If she asks, bean dip her, smile and say "things are going well! Did you see this movie yet? It looks really good..." or something along those lines. 

  
  

  ETA: some mothers try to plan a "second wedding" through their daughters and have expectations of what they dreamed that day would be...that's not fair to you, don't sweat it.

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• Maggie0829 member

  

  June 2015

  What artbyallie said.

  
  

  None of these things are horrifically a-holeish but the easiest way to not hear her comments is to just stop sharing things with her.  

  
  

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• sheknows6 member

  

  June 2015

  okheresthedeal said:

  First of all, I'm so happy I found other snarky brides... finally a board where you don't have to blow smoke up everyone's ass!

  
  

  Here's the deal: I love my mom, but we have never really been that close. I was always really close to my dad (who passed away in 2013) and I think she always resented that I was closer to him than her. I'm 30 years old and engaged to a great guy who everyone in the family (including her) seems to like, but so far, she just hasn't seemed happy for me at all. It feels like she wishes I would elope or something. Here are some examples of what she has said:

  
  

  1.) Right after I told her we were engaged, she told me not to spend too much on the wedding. And that when I'm 65 I'll wish I didn't spend the money on my wedding so I can retire. She hasn't contributed any funds towards the wedding and I would rather keep it that way. True, I guess we could save our money, but is it such a crime to spend on celebrating our marriage with friends and family? It isn't a cheap wedding, but we aren't going hog wild either!

  
  

  2.) She was pissed because I wouldn't use the traditional wording with parents names on my wedding invitations. Mainly because (and I told her this) my dad is gone and it makes me sad to precede his name with "the late" and they divorced when I was little. Also, my FI and I are paying for the wedding not our parents!

  
  

  3.) This is the real kicker: My mom is christian and apparently doesn't agree with me living with my FI before marriage. She had the nerve to tell me that I shouldn't have anyone walk me down the aisle or give me away because I have already given myself away and it would be really tacky. I wasn't planning on having anyone give me away anyways! I haven't lived at home in 8 years! I never mentioned this to her, but I was thinking about asking her to walk me down the aisle before she said that, but at this point, I'd rather walk alone with the memory of my dad. 

  
  

  Am I being too sensitive? Has anyone else dealt with something like this? What the hell?!

  
  

  "Thanks for your opinion mom but since I'm paying for everything I think I'll just do what makes me happy. Bean dip?"

  
  

  
  

  
  

  
  

  
  

  
  

  
  

  
  

  
  

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• HoneyBadgerVegas member

  

  June 2015

  Thank you for the replies and good advice. After that last occurrence, I haven't shared any plans with her. I hope she is able to come and enjoy our wedding when everything is said and done.

  
  

  As long as she doesn't try to renew her vows at my wedding, like that mother mentioned in a previous post... 

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• lembaslover member

  

  June 2015

  I feel ya with the christian mom piece. My mom is a christian and very against people living together before they're married. For that reason I've wasted a bunch of money on rent and added additional stress to keep a separate address from my fiance. I just moved in with him even though our wedding isn't until October b/c my landlords were being a pain about renewing my lease on a monthly basis and I wasn't about to renew it for a year when I wouldn't be there for half a year. My mother wasn't happy at first but and it took some time but we've come to some mutual agreement to not really mention it and accept it as a smarter financial decision.

  
  

  She's always disapproved of me not being a christian when she raised me to be one and we've had some pretty nasty fights over it so yea our solution has been just don't talk about it and no one gets upset. It's not really ideal, I'd like to be able to talk to my mom about stuff, but it keeps the peace. 

  

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• dresdendoll member

  

  June 2015 edited June 2015

  charlottesmom0626 said: Try to let it go. I don't have a good relationship with my mother either; I've had similar issues.
  Remember that you can't change what other people say or do, but you can change your reaction to them. Remember the end goal: you get to marry your FI! 
  Try to keep your mom out of wedding planning. If she asks, bean dip her, smile and say "things are going well! Did you see this movie yet? It looks really good..." or something along those lines. 
  ETA: some mothers try to plan a "second wedding" through their daughters and have expectations of what they dreamed that day would be...that's not fair to you, don't sweat it.
  
  BOXES BOXES BOXES I tried that line with my mother. Her reply: "Well, that's what you think." Gee, thanks mom. So if your mother is anything like mine be prepared that she will still find a way to be nasty, even if you keep wedding talk to a minimum.

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• HoneyBadgerVegas member

  

  June 2015 edited June 2015

  @engagedhamstermom Yeah, I was really taken aback when she said that to me considering her and her current husband lived with each other before they were married! And she said it to me while she was in my home visiting. I'm an adult, I own my house, you don't pay my bills, keep your hypocrisy to yourself please.
  
  It sounds like your mom is really judgemental, just like mine. I'm glad that you are in a situation that makes you happy and makes sense for you financially.

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• weddingcactus member

  

  June 2015

  I have decided that weddings make people crazy, especially mothers. I am very close with mine and I can't believe the things she's been saying to me since my engagement. It can be really hurtful and I'm so sorry that your mother has said these things to you. I would suggest limiting wedding talk for your own sanity. She's not paying for the wedding and it's ultimately your and your fiance's decision to make (on everything you listed). If she can't speak respectfully with you, then I don't think it's worth having the conversation with her.
  

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• [Deleted User] member

  

  June 2015

  My mom is the same exact way.  It is now at the point where I don't even talk to her about the wedding because she isn't excited and isn't happy for us by any means.

  
  

  First, she told me we were too young to be engaged. I got engaged a few months before I graduated college. Last time I checked, that's not a huge deal.

  
  

  Then, when I picked Disney as the venue, she threw a huge fit.  It got to the point where my entire family boycotted my decision. I gave up my dream wedding for a wedding back home because my family means a lot to me.  

  
  

  Now, we are getting married back home (in a beautiful castle), and she's not happy about that either because it costs too much money.

  
  

  I am so thankful for my FH's stepmom. She has been so supportive and helpful in planning everything.

  
  

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• blushingbride8888 member

  

  June 2015

  I am really close with my mom and she's been driving me insane throughout the planning process mostly because I'm not following the traditional 1988 wedding to a T.

  We have family issues on Fi's and my side and are just trying to keep the peace and make sure everyone is comfortable. When I said we weren't planning to introduce the WP she like lost her mind.

  I'm trying to stay sane, sober and play the blushing bride even though I really want to puke at the thought of additional wedding details. I love my Fi and cannot wait to be his wife but if we had any idea how rough the planning would be we would've eloped!

  

  
  

  

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• CMGragain member

  

  July 2015

  okheresthedeal said:

  First of all, I'm so happy I found other snarky brides... finally a board where you don't have to blow smoke up everyone's ass!

  
  

  Here's the deal: I love my mom, but we have never really been that close. I was always really close to my dad (who passed away in 2013) and I think she always resented that I was closer to him than her. I'm 30 years old and engaged to a great guy who everyone in the family (including her) seems to like, but so far, she just hasn't seemed happy for me at all. It feels like she wishes I would elope or something. Here are some examples of what she has said:

  
  

  1.) Right after I told her we were engaged, she told me not to spend too much on the wedding. And that when I'm 65 I'll wish I didn't spend the money on my wedding so I can retire. She hasn't contributed any funds towards the wedding and I would rather keep it that way. True, I guess we could save our money, but is it such a crime to spend on celebrating our marriage with friends and family? It isn't a cheap wedding, but we aren't going hog wild either!

  
  

  2.) She was pissed because I wouldn't use the traditional wording with parents names on my wedding invitations. Mainly because (and I told her this) my dad is gone and it makes me sad to precede his name with "the late" and they divorced when I was little. Also, my FI and I are paying for the wedding not our parents!

  
  

  3.) This is the real kicker: My mom is christian and apparently doesn't agree with me living with my FI before marriage. She had the nerve to tell me that I shouldn't have anyone walk me down the aisle or give me away because I have already given myself away and it would be really tacky. I wasn't planning on having anyone give me away anyways! I haven't lived at home in 8 years! I never mentioned this to her, but I was thinking about asking her to walk me down the aisle before she said that, but at this point, I'd rather walk alone with the memory of my dad. 

  
  

  Am I being too sensitive? Has anyone else dealt with something like this? What the hell?!

  
  
  You are not alone.  Lots of us had difficult mothers.  The clue in your post is that your parents divorced when you were little.  Many people who have gone through a divorce are permenently scarred emotionally by that experience, and are negative about ANY wedding.  This sounds like your Mom.  It isn't personal towards you.  She probably feels this way about any wedding.
  
  About her objections:
  1.  The bride's parents do not go on the invitation unless they are hosting.  She is not hosting., therefore her name does not go on your invitation.  Deceased persons are never, ever listed on the invitation.
  2.  The person who escorts you down the aisle is not the same thing as giving you away.  He/she is your escort.  I would recommend that your FI escort you down the aisle.  I have seen this done several times.  Walking alone in high heels and a long gown can be tricky, and it is nice to have an arm to lean on if you need it.
  3.  Since you are paying for your own wedding, it is none of your mother's business how much you spend.  Why are you discussing it with her?  Stop talking to her about your wedding plans.  If she asks, just say "We have that covered.  Thank you for your concern."
  

  

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