Etiquette

Cancelled/Rescheduled Wedding Etiquette?!

This is my first post so I hope I do this right!

My fiancé and I were engaged October 2013. We planned our wedding for October 2014 and 6 weeks before the wedding (August 2014) we decided to cancel it based on some issues we felt we needed to resolve before getting married. It was a joint decision and because we were paying for the entire wedding ourselves and it was a DIY wedding on fiancé's parents farm, no one but us lost any money. No one had bought any plane tickets either so we were thankful for that. Everyone was very understanding EXCEPT for fiance's family (because I was married previously and they are very religious and traditional they assumed it was all my fault and blamed me). 

We are now beginning to talk about planning a wedding and setting a date, but we want to do it differently than the last time. Originally we wanted something smallish, about 150 invited MAX. We ended up being pressured by his parents for the last wedding to invite family we didn't care to and a lot of church members that we didn't want to and ended up with 220. 

My question is, how do we handle a new wedding when we don't intend to invite the same people to this one, and how do we send invites to the new one without it being awkward? 

We appreciate any suggestions! 

Re: Cancelled/Rescheduled Wedding Etiquette?!

  • KatWAGKatWAG Chicago
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    member
    bburks89 said:
    This is my first post so I hope I do this right!

    My fiancé and I were engaged October 2013. We planned our wedding for October 2014 and 6 weeks before the wedding (August 2014) we decided to cancel it based on some issues we felt we needed to resolve before getting married. It was a joint decision and because we were paying for the entire wedding ourselves and it was a DIY wedding on fiancé's parents farm, no one but us lost any money. No one had bought any plane tickets either so we were thankful for that. Everyone was very understanding EXCEPT for fiance's family (because I was married previously and they are very religious and traditional they assumed it was all my fault and blamed me). 

    We are now beginning to talk about planning a wedding and setting a date, but we want to do it differently than the last time. Originally we wanted something smallish, about 150 invited MAX. We ended up being pressured by his parents for the last wedding to invite family we didn't care to and a lot of church members that we didn't want to and ended up with 220. 

    My question is, how do we handle a new wedding when we don't intend to invite the same people to this one, and how do we send invites to the new one without it being awkward? 

    We appreciate any suggestions! 

    Since this is a completely new event, you can have a new guest list. Just don't bring up the new plans to people who are not invited.
    BabyFruit Ticker
  • edited June 2015
    bburks89 said:
    This is my first post so I hope I do this right!

    My fiancé and I were engaged October 2013. We planned our wedding for October 2014 and 6 weeks before the wedding (August 2014) we decided to cancel it based on some issues we felt we needed to resolve before getting married. It was a joint decision and because we were paying for the entire wedding ourselves and it was a DIY wedding on fiancé's parents farm, no one but us lost any money. No one had bought any plane tickets either so we were thankful for that. Everyone was very understanding EXCEPT for fiance's family (because I was married previously and they are very religious and traditional they assumed it was all my fault and blamed me). 

    We are now beginning to talk about planning a wedding and setting a date, but we want to do it differently than the last time. Originally we wanted something smallish, about 150 invited MAX. We ended up being pressured by his parents for the last wedding to invite family we didn't care to and a lot of church members that we didn't want to and ended up with 220. 

    My question is, how do we handle a new wedding when we don't intend to invite the same people to this one, and how do we send invites to the new one without it being awkward? 

    We appreciate any suggestions! 

    ETA: BOXES




    It's basically a new event, so sending invites to new people won't be awkward. Not sending invites to people that you already sent invites to for the previous one might be awkward if someone asks about it, but I would just say something along the lines of "We haven't finalized the guest list" if the wedding if far off, and "We decided to have a small wedding" if it is getting close. DO NOT talk about the wedding in front of anyone who you do not plan to invite. The truth is, you MIGHT hurt peoples' feelings by not inviting them to this wedding, and you never should have invited people you didn't want to invite, especially if you were paying for everything yourselves.
    image
    CMGragainnovella1186
  • Thanks! That's what I was thinking also and just telling people we decided on a smaller wedding. The only concern is that we will be inviting SOME people from his church but cutting a lot of the original church guests out for this one and it's a very close-knit church so people will know. I honestly don't care because I fought them on inviting them to begin with but my fiancé is worried about it since his parents are elders in the church and talk about it with people. I've decided this time I'll be putting my foot down, HARD, on anything I don't want. Wish me luck!
    SP29
  • MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot Atlanta
    Eighth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    member
    Just send the invitations to the people you want to invite. Be careful about talking about it in front of people you aren't inviting. If they're rude enough to ask, say "we've decided to keep it small." This is a totally different event, so there's no need to retain the original guest list. 

    If you haven't already, I would strongly recommend choosing a different venue this time around. If you're using his parents' land, you invite them into the planning, and give them the opportunity to strong arm you into inviting people you don't want. 
    [Deleted User]CMGragainSP29
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston
    10000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    member
    scribe95 said:

    If you are not inviting people you did before then it could get awkward. No way around that really. 

    I agree. I really don't see how you can avoid them finding out and then being unhappy about not being invited to the second wedding. Just be prepared for negative reactions from them.
  • Just send the invitations to the people you want to invite. Be careful about talking about it in front of people you aren't inviting. If they're rude enough to ask, say "we've decided to keep it small." This is a totally different event, so there's no need to retain the original guest list. 

    If you haven't already, I would strongly recommend choosing a different venue this time around. If you're using his parents' land, you invite them into the planning, and give them the opportunity to strong arm you into inviting people you don't want. 
    Agreed. If they were pushy before, they will be pushy again. Find a new venue so they don't have leverage.
    image
  • Very smart. I have been looking at other venues lately and hopefully we can find one we can afford. I know fiancé would love to be married on the farm, but he has mentioned that it might be easier not to as well. Will just have to start savings our pennies to accommodate the extra expense. Thanks!
  • Your cancelled plans have nothing to do with your new plans.  You have no obligations.  You can elope if you wish.
    If you are accepting money from parents, then this gives them some rights about your wedding.  Plan a small wedding that you can pay for yourselves.
    httpiimgurcomTCCjW0wjpg
    downtondiva
  • bburks89 said:
    Very smart. I have been looking at other venues lately and hopefully we can find one we can afford. I know fiancé would love to be married on the farm, but he has mentioned that it might be easier not to as well. Will just have to start savings our pennies to accommodate the extra expense. Thanks!
    It sounds like you truly want a small wedding, which is obviously less expensive than a huge wedding. If you wanted to invite around maybe 50 people or less, you could even host it at a restaurant that has a banquet room or something like that, to avoid paying huge venue fees. All you need to provide for your guests is food appropriate to the time of day, drinks (can be all non-alcoholic) and a seat for every butt. 

    The knotties are great at helping with budget-friendly ideas if you need any! :) 
    image
    [Deleted User]
  • SP29SP29
    Sixth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    member
    Agreed- you may get some hurt feelings, but this is a separate event.

    Invite who you want, and don't discuss the guest list with anyone else (including his parents). If you want some of his parents input you could tell them to give you a list with X number of guests by Y date that you will consider adding to the guest list, and leave it at that.

    I would also consider having the wedding elsewhere than on the farm. Gives his parents too much leverage to control your wedding, "well if you don't invite all these people we won't let you have the wedding here!" when you're 8 weeks out is too stressful....I would keep those worlds separate.

    Many parks allow you to have weddings, which would be very cost friendly.

    Good for you for putting your foot down. Sounds like the previous experience was a stressful one and turned into something neither of you wanted- don't let that happen again because of demands other people are making on you.
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