Monster-in-law?

Knottie1435890958 · July 2015

Hello everyone,

I would love to know your feedback about your relationship with your mother-in law since I am having difficulties with mine.

I had dated my fiancee for 10 years and we are finally getting married soon. However, my relationship with his mother is very akward. We are not close but I am always friendly and polite, we see each other in family reunions, birthdays, holidays, etc. My fiance and I visit her everyone now and then and she is very sweet and friendly too. However, sometimes she makes sharp comments about me that leave me speechless and with a blank expression in my face. For instance: yesterday, we went to visit my in-laws and out of nowhere she told me that I am like her small puppy who is very aphatetic and keeps a distance to others. I was in complete shock and instead of getting angry, I felt very sad. I really don't know what I did to my mother-in-law but her sharp and uncall remarks always take me by surprise and I never know how to react to them.

I had never respond angry or mean towards her. On the contrary, I am always nice and very sweet to her. She hardly ever visits and when she does visit with my father-in-law, they are always in a hurry. Her relationship with her other daughter-in-law is beautiful and they are great friends, they talk almost every day about everything, they are very close and it's kind of hard for me to watch them and I am just the third wheel who gets rejected. I am not jealous but it's hard to not get some appreciation from her when I haven't done anything to her. She doubles me in age and she is very sharp and doesn't like the fact that I am more serious and introvert whereas she is a social butterfly. I don't want to damage or hurt my relationship with my soon to be husband. P.S.: I hate confrontation. Please help!

banana468 · July 2015

1) If she's badmouthing you to your face where is your FI in this? Does he pick up on this? He needs to address this with his mom. That turns into a problem in your relationship and not with your FMIL entirely.

2) Please do not try to have the same relationship with your MIL that she does with her daughters. You two may get along and one day have a lovely relationship but the relationship with a mom and daughter isn't going to be the same as a mother in law / daughter in law.

Maggie0829 · July 2015

banana468 said:

1) If she's badmouthing you to your face where is your FI in this? Does he pick up on this? He needs to address this with his mom. That turns into a problem in your relationship and not with your FMIL entirely.

2) Please do not try to have the same relationship with your MIL that she does with her daughters. You two may get along and one day have a lovely relationship but the relationship with a mom and daughter isn't going to be the same as a mother in law / daughter in law.

Completely agree with #1. If things she says to you upset you then your FI needs to step in and say something.

@banana468 - Not sure if the Mom has any daughters, but OP was talking about the relationship her MIL has with her other DIL.

OP, everyone has different relationships with people. Some people click, others don't. Just because your MIL has a great relationship with her other DIL doesn't mean that the same can be said with you and her. She shouldn't be saying crappy things to you. But you shouldn't just sweep them under the rug either. Your FI should be sticking up for you, but you should be sticking up for yourself as well. You don't have to be rude, but you can certainly tell her when something she has said has offended you. She may not be meaning anything malicious when she says things and has zero idea that it may hurt your feelings. You have every right to say something when it does.

Jen4948 · July 2015

Your FI needs to have your back and insist that his mother treat you with respect at all times, including knocking off the cutting remarks.

But you don't need to stand there in surprise when she makes them. You can set boundaries with her as well: "FMIL, I don't appreciate what you just said to me. I'm not willing to be spoken to that way and I will leave/ask you to leave if it happens again."

But don't try to replicate the relationship that she has with her other DIL. She is entitled to not be close to you.

AddieCake · July 2015

I get along great with my MIL, and I am always grateful for that, especially when I hear stories of those who do not.

Ditto Banana that your fiance needs to speak up and tell his mother that her unflattering comments toward you will not be tolerated. The best you can do is continue to be cordial and polite. She's the ass here, not you. Don't worry about being close with her, and don't compare yourself to the other DIL.

MnHGirl · July 2015

You have the same type of relationship that I am struggling with. It really sucks and I feel for you.

I have tried to include her in the wedding planning and get shot down every time but then later will come back with comments on how she doesn't know whats going on and how she is never included. I asked her to go dress shopping with me and she came up with a lame excuse and then I offered to go dress shopping to find her a dress. My FI had just talked to her the day before and mentioned that we had a pre-marriage retreat on a certain weekend and she called me letting me know she was going shopping that same weekend. I wasn't able to go with her so instead she took her DIL and they found a dress. She kept boasting about how great it was to take the DIL since she has much better fashion sense then what I do. There has been many other things too but this one does stick deep.

I have been with my FI for 8.5 years and she has never liked me. I think the biggest issue is that we do not have anything in common and it is hard to just talk about anything. She judges me on everything and will pick me apart. My FI has tried talking to her and she snaps at him and says that he shouldn't talk back to her (even though he isn't "talking back")

FMIL LOVES her DIL- DIL can do NO wrong and either can her older son. It has caused many rifts in the family and it makes it hard to get together. Even this wedding planning has been a nightmare and she calls almost daily finding something to complain about (apparently we are not being accommodating to her older son and DIL... we have asked them to show up at 11 am dressed for pictures- not sure what else we can do). I will never be good enough for her.

I am not even excited about the wedding day anymore and I wished we would have eloped to Vegas or something.

OliveOilsMom · July 2015

Knottie1435890958 said:

Hello everyone,
I would love to know your feedback about your relationship with your mother-in law since I am having difficulties with mine.
I had dated my fiancee for 10 years and we are finally getting married soon. However, my relationship with his mother is very akward. We are not close but I am always friendly and polite, we see each other in family reunions, birthdays, holidays, etc. My fiance and I visit her everyone now and then and she is very sweet and friendly too. However, sometimes she makes sharp comments about me that leave me speechless and with a blank expression in my face. For instance: yesterday, we went to visit my in-laws and out of nowhere she told me that I am like her small puppy who is very aphatetic and keeps a distance to others. I was in complete shock and instead of getting angry, I felt very sad. I really don't know what I did to my mother-in-law but her sharp and uncall remarks always take me by surprise and I never know how to react to them.
I had never respond angry or mean towards her. On the contrary, I am always nice and very sweet to her. She hardly ever visits and when she does visit with my father-in-law, they are always in a hurry. Her relationship with her other daughter-in-law is beautiful and they are great friends, they talk almost every day about everything, they are very close and it's kind of hard for me to watch them and I am just the third wheel who gets rejected. I am not jealous but it's hard to not get some appreciation from her when I haven't done anything to her. She doubles me in age and she is very sharp and doesn't like the fact that I am more serious and introvert whereas she is a social butterfly. I don't want to damage or hurt my relationship with my soon to be husband. P.S.: I hate confrontation. Please help!

As PP said, I hope that your FI is sticking up for you when FMIL makes these comments. He needs to be standing up for you and telling FMIL that her comments are unacceptable.

But at the same time, you don't need to take her comments. Practice a line that you can say to her, so that you can't be caught off guard as to what to say to her. You don't need to be rude back (that will make you look just as bad). "FMIL, why would you say something like that? That is very hurtful to me." Then I would get up and leave without another word.

Try to not compare your relationship with FMIL and FSILs relationship with FMIL. Don't look at it as a race or something that needs to be equal. Just always be courteous and nice to FMIL.

lachattefatale · July 2015

My ex-MIL was (is, probably) a lot like this, but all the time, not just a remark here and there. Absolutely your FI needs to stand up for you, but you also have to realize that you can't change other people, and maybe she will listen to one of you and your FI eventually and stop making hurtful remarks, but maybe she will just always be kinda mean. Some people just are. If she never decides to change her behavior, you'll just have to know that about her and be prepared to respond to it somehow, whether that's repeatedly telling her to knock it off or consistently walking away.

This sucks a lot and I am so sorry you have to deal with it.

SP29 · July 2015

I agree, time for FI to say something to his mom. You two needed to be a united front, but generally he should deal with his family, and you with yours.

At the same time, you don't have to take what she says to you and sweep it under the rug either. I get what you mean about being blind-sided and standing there blankly. Happens to me too, then later I think of something I should have said back (darn it!). I think the advice to practice something you will say to her is a good idea- if it's rehearsed it'll come to you much easier.

Keep being polite, but I think it would be appropriate (and you may find it earns you some "respect"- not that you need to make yourself be the way she wants you to- from her since she thinks you're introverted and apathetic) for you to say to her, "I am not quite sure what you mean by that comment, but I find it quite hurtful/offensive that you would say that to me".

loveislouder · July 2015

I generally have a great relationship with my MIL. She's a nice lady, but someone of the stuff she says and does I disagree with. Example: Her coming by unannounced and cleaning our house. H doesn't see the problem with it because she's "trying to help." I get ragey when she does it.

I could just be that OP's FI doesn't know what MIL is doing is wrong.

[Deleted User] · July 2015

HI OP,

Your relationship with your MIL sounds slightly similar to my mother's relationship with her MIL (my grandmother). She says sneaky, nasty things to my mom, and according to my mom, it used to be much worse. Like you, my mom was shy, and tried to be nice and just kept hoping it would stop. Eventually, she pushed my mom too far and my mom told her something along the lines of "if you ever speak to me that way again, I will no longer have any contact with you" and removed herself from the situation. It got better after that, but TBH has never gone away completely. My grandma also does it to me. She's just kinda a nasty person.

So, as PPs have said, the best thing you can do is stand up for yourself and let her know you do not appreciate those remarks. With any luck, she will stop making them. Maybe she doesn't even realize she is being offensive. Seems obvious to me, but, who knows. And yes, your FI should back you up as well, but don't wait for him to do it. Let her know you don't appreciate her comments.

CMGragain · July 2015

Knottie1435890958 said:

Hello everyone,
I would love to know your feedback about your relationship with your mother-in law since I am having difficulties with mine.
I had dated my fiancee for 10 years and we are finally getting married soon. However, my relationship with his mother is very akward. We are not close but I am always friendly and polite, we see each other in family reunions, birthdays, holidays, etc. My fiance and I visit her everyone now and then and she is very sweet and friendly too. However, sometimes she makes sharp comments about me that leave me speechless and with a blank expression in my face. For instance: yesterday, we went to visit my in-laws and out of nowhere she told me that I am like her small puppy who is very aphatetic and keeps a distance to others. I was in complete shock and instead of getting angry, I felt very sad. I really don't know what I did to my mother-in-law but her sharp and uncall remarks always take me by surprise and I never know how to react to them.
I had never respond angry or mean towards her. On the contrary, I am always nice and very sweet to her. She hardly ever visits and when she does visit with my father-in-law, they are always in a hurry. Her relationship with her other daughter-in-law is beautiful and they are great friends, they talk almost every day about everything, they are very close and it's kind of hard for me to watch them and I am just the third wheel who gets rejected. I am not jealous but it's hard to not get some appreciation from her when I haven't done anything to her. She doubles me in age and she is very sharp and doesn't like the fact that I am more serious and introvert whereas she is a social butterfly. I don't want to damage or hurt my relationship with my soon to be husband. P.S.: I hate confrontation. Please help!

This last remark gives me a clue. You need to be confrontational. Here is what you should have said:
Oh really? Why would you say that?
Gee, FMIL, that makes me feel sad. Why do you think that?
How do you think I should change, FMIL?
Woof! Woof!

Knottie1435890958 · July 2015

Great comments everyone! I love all these feedback and advice. Thank you so much!!!!!

I spoke with my fiancee later that night (I'm always very clear with him about how I feel, which is ironic because I always let him know when something that he does annoys me and I don't keep quiet). Anyway, he thinks that I need to stand up for myself and let her know how I feel which is exactly what most of you have mentioned.

He says that if anyone from my family does or says anything to him that he doesn't like, he will surely let them know. On the other hand, I am more reserved.

My fiancee also thinks that we should call her and let her know how I feel. But, I think that won't matter to her. She would probably act surprise because she was drinking a little bit (like always). She hasn't changed in this past 10 years and her remarks keep coming unexpectedly from time to time.

I don't want to become closer to her. All I want is respect! I try my best not to compare myself to her other daughter-in-law but she is extra special with her and her children. She buys them extra special gifts and flowers for their presents. I have to sit in the corner and watch. How am I supposed to feel? Like I don't want to be there, I don't want to be around her family and my fiancee's family.

I even tried to show her pictures of our wedding venue and reception just to break the ice and let her know that she is part of the upcoming wedding and what is going on. But once she saw the pictures, she said that I must think that I am princess for planning on getting married on a mansion. Really?

If my fiancee and I are paying for our own wedding and I am quiet and I don't drink. Why do I have to be judged? I am not hurting anyone.

She even dared to say that she really couldn't help us out with money for our wedding. But I haven't even ask her for any type of help. However, she comments that she paid for her other daughter in law and son wedding bands. Really? I need to move out of town soon!

anidorikiladra · July 2015

Posts like this make me really appreciate my BF's mom! She's one of the nicest people I've ever met, and she'll be a great MIL one day. However, she had a very bad relationship with her MIL. The woman somehow didn't like her and never got over it. I think some women just feel threatened by their children being with people and moving away.

lyndausvi · July 2015

My parents are very social. My BIL is very reserved. He has been in the family for over 20 years now and my parents barely know him. I barely know him. He rarely had conversations with us. He just sits back and observed. You never know what he is thinking. He has always been that way. The only time he opens up is with my DH on the golf course.

My DH is very social. He is the favorite by far. He calls my parents on his own. I'm pretty sure my BIL has called and or spoken to my parents on the phone 4 times in 20 years. One to tell them he was going to propose and the other 3 times when each kid was born. It's not that they do not like my BIL. They do, but they like DH more because he is more open and social with them. DH engages in conversations with them. He just doesn't speak when spoken to like BIL.

On the flip side, I'm pretty reserved around DH's family. The other DIL and SIL (son-in-law) are way more social with them then I am. I do call MIL sometimes to see how she is doing, but for the most part I do not have much of a relationship with her. We live OOT, so there's that too. They like me as a partner for DH, they think i'm great for him. It's just me being reserved comes across as standoff-ish to them.

IDK, I don't feel the need to become the favorite or even on the same level as the other 2. Neither does my BIL to my family. I understand I'm reserved and distant compared to the others. I have no problem if someone comments on that fact. It's true. I do not fully engage with them as the other DIL/SIL

My BIL is the same way. He knows DH is more social then him with my parents. He is all good with his position in our family. No bad blood, just the way we socialize is different.

redoryx · July 2015

Knottie1435890958 said:

Great comments everyone! I love all these feedback and advice. Thank you so much!!!!!

I spoke with my fiancee later that night (I'm always very clear with him about how I feel, which is ironic because I always let him know when something that he does annoys me and I don't keep quiet). Anyway, he thinks that I need to stand up for myself and let her know how I feel which is exactly what most of you have mentioned.

He says that if anyone from my family does or says anything to him that he doesn't like, he will surely let them know. On the other hand, I am more reserved.
My fiancee also thinks that we should call her and let her know how I feel. But, I think that won't matter to her. She would probably act surprise because she was drinking a little bit (like always). She hasn't changed in this past 10 years and her remarks keep coming unexpectedly from time to time.

I don't want to become closer to her. All I want is respect! I try my best not to compare myself to her other daughter-in-law but she is extra special with her and her children. She buys them extra special gifts and flowers for their presents. I have to sit in the corner and watch. How am I supposed to feel? Like I don't want to be there, I don't want to be around her family and my fiancee's family.

I even tried to show her pictures of our wedding venue and reception just to break the ice and let her know that she is part of the upcoming wedding and what is going on. But once she saw the pictures, she said that I must think that I am princess for planning on getting married on a mansion. Really?

If my fiancee and I are paying for our own wedding and I am quiet and I don't drink. Why do I have to be judged? I am not hurting anyone.

She even dared to say that she really couldn't help us out with money for our wedding. But I haven't even ask her for any type of help. However, she comments that she paid for her other daughter in law and son wedding bands. Really? I need to move out of town soon!

Actually, I think most people here said that HE needs to stand up for you. It's HIS mom and he needs to be the one to say something. And, honestly, he shouldn't be saying something to her because it hurt your feelings -- he should be saying something because you are his FI and his mom is disrespecting you and shouldn't be saying those things regardless.

I have a friend this happened to: her future MIL would make horrible comments and anything my friend said to her expressing discomfort of being upset fell on deaf ears. But as soon as her son stood up to his mom and said if she continued to make such comments, she'd never see them or their (eventual possible) children ever again. The relationship changed immediately for the better after that.

OliveOilsMom · July 2015

Yes, your FI needs to stand up for you first and foremost. If he witnesses anything, he should say it immediately. If FI is not around when FMIL makes a comment - that is the time you say something to her.

Also, you don't have to hang out with FILs all the time if you feel uncomfortable. Maybe start skipping the events or days you are there. Just stay home for some me time.

redheadbride15 · July 2015

I get this. My MIL also has difficulty accepting me (as well as her own son!) and makes strange and insulting comments around us. The reasons for this are unclear to us, as she gets along famously with her other son and daughter-in-law. We're different types of people though - H and I are both bookish introverts, while my BIL and his wife are extroverted rodeo-going Texans (I love them and we get along great despite being so different, by the way!). I think my MIL just doesn't know what to do with us and never really learned standard social etiquette and coping skills. This has been a long-standing issue (since H's childhood) with no signs that it will ever change.

My H gets hurt sometimes by this differential treatment, but I always say to him "One of the great things about being an adult is that you get to choose to spend your time around people who make you happy. And if your mother isn't one of those people, then we don't need to see her much". So, we're just polite when we need to be, but don't go out of our way to try to force a positive relationship when she won't reciprocate.

ShesSoCold · July 2015

redoryx said:

Knottie1435890958 said:

Great comments everyone! I love all these feedback and advice. Thank you so much!!!!!

I spoke with my fiancee later that night (I'm always very clear with him about how I feel, which is ironic because I always let him know when something that he does annoys me and I don't keep quiet). Anyway, he thinks that I need to stand up for myself and let her know how I feel which is exactly what most of you have mentioned.

He says that if anyone from my family does or says anything to him that he doesn't like, he will surely let them know. On the other hand, I am more reserved.
My fiancee also thinks that we should call her and let her know how I feel. But, I think that won't matter to her. She would probably act surprise because she was drinking a little bit (like always). She hasn't changed in this past 10 years and her remarks keep coming unexpectedly from time to time.

I don't want to become closer to her. All I want is respect! I try my best not to compare myself to her other daughter-in-law but she is extra special with her and her children. She buys them extra special gifts and flowers for their presents. I have to sit in the corner and watch. How am I supposed to feel? Like I don't want to be there, I don't want to be around her family and my fiancee's family.

I even tried to show her pictures of our wedding venue and reception just to break the ice and let her know that she is part of the upcoming wedding and what is going on. But once she saw the pictures, she said that I must think that I am princess for planning on getting married on a mansion. Really?

If my fiancee and I are paying for our own wedding and I am quiet and I don't drink. Why do I have to be judged? I am not hurting anyone.

She even dared to say that she really couldn't help us out with money for our wedding. But I haven't even ask her for any type of help. However, she comments that she paid for her other daughter in law and son wedding bands. Really? I need to move out of town soon!

Actually, I think most people here said that HE needs to stand up for you. It's HIS mom and he needs to be the one to say something. And, honestly, he shouldn't be saying something to her because it hurt your feelings -- he should be saying something because you are his FI and his mom is disrespecting you and shouldn't be saying those things regardless.

I have a friend this happened to: her future MIL would make horrible comments and anything my friend said to her expressing discomfort of being upset fell on deaf ears. But as soon as her son stood up to his mom and said if she continued to make such comments, she'd never see them or their (eventual possible) children ever again. The relationship changed immediately for the better after that.

I agree with this 100%. My MIL is a total ass and she'd been doing those sarcastic, jabby non-jokes for years. H kept saying that it was just the way she was and let it go. Fuck that. I don't give a shit if that's "just the way she is". "Just the way I am" is that I don't allow people to be assholes to me. When H finally stated saying something to her, she stopped that crap.

Your FI needs to shut his mom up and stand up for you.

MandyMost · July 2015

Does your MIL even know that you think she's being a dick to you? Based on the stories you've told, I think it's fully possible that she has no idea. She sounds pretty tactless, but I can easily interpret the stories as her having no idea she was being a dick, and not intending to be a dick.

You two clearly have very different personalities. You're never going to be friends. Stop trying. Maybe you always wanted a big happy extended family and loving in-laws--well, you're not getting that. I assume your future husband is enough for you without all the rest of it. We can't all have everything. Just face these facts, and you'll be much happier for it.

[Deleted User] · July 2015

MandyMost said:

Does your MIL even know that you think she's being a dick to you? Based on the stories you've told, I think it's fully possible that she has no idea. She sounds pretty tactless, but I can easily interpret the stories as her having no idea she was being a dick, and not intending to be a dick.

You two clearly have very different personalities. You're never going to be friends. Stop trying. Maybe you always wanted a big happy extended family and loving in-laws--well, you're not getting that. I assume your future husband is enough for you without all the rest of it. We can't all have everything. Just face these facts, and you'll be much happier for it.

My FMIL is the queen of tactless. Luckily everyone in her life calls her out on it. Then she'll admit to having been tactless but also admit to not really caring that she was rude. "I tell the truth," she says. "Yes," we tell her, "but there is a right place and a wrong place and a right way and a wrong way to tell that truth."

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