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Help!

blushingbride8888blushingbride8888 member
First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its Name Dropper
in Snarky Brides

I know this post could potentially go in Moms and Maids but I trust you snarky ladies and hope you can help me with this one. Fi and his mom have a strained relationship at best due to plenty of drama and family issues. She and I have virtually no relationship. I'm on a tolerance level and do my best to play nice despite the fact that she's about 5 miles off the reservation...

She'd been "behaving" herself if you will until recently and now Fi doesn't want to do a mother son dance. I think this will cause serious drama and she'll likely declare she won't come if he won't do a dance. I'm doing one with my father so it will be pretty noticeable and she will not be happy.

Do you knotties have any advice on how to handle this? Am I right in urging Fi to just get through it to avoid a WWIII? I support him either way but both of us are clueless on this one. We're just trying to get through the drama..

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Re: Help!

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    Maggie0829Maggie0829 member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    This is your FI call.  If he doesn't want to do a dance with his Mom he shouldn't have to.  If not doing a dance with her son will cause her to not come to his wedding, well that is something that she will have to live with.

    I think the best course of action for you is to stay way out in left field for this one and just tell your FI that whatever he decides to do you will support him 100%.

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    thisismynickname2thisismynickname2 member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    Maggie0829 said:
    This is your FI call.  If he doesn't want to do a dance with his Mom he shouldn't have to.  If not doing a dance with her son will cause her to not come to his wedding, well that is something that she will have to live with.

    I think the best course of action for you is to stay way out in left field for this one and just tell your FI that whatever he decides to do you will support him 100%.

    BOX

    This exactly. What's the expression? Not my circus, not my monkeys?

    FWIW, I'd take the route of the least drama. I know a girl who was recently married who had a first dance with her father, even though I know for a fact the dad was a verbally abusive asshole when she was growing up. Sometimes it's better to keep the peace and stick with tradition, because going with non-tradition makes the issue stick out like a sore thumb. Only my opinion, and your FI has to do what's right for him and his mom. 
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    julieanne912julieanne912 member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    AddieCake said:
    I'm of the "who cares if she doesn't come" mindset. I'm so over dramatic shit from people. Really? You'd miss your son's wedding because he doesn't want to do a spotlight dance? OK, then, look stupid.
    Pretty much this.  

    I've also found that people who make threats like that just do it to get their way, because it usually works.  
    Married 9.12.15
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    BouxRadleyBouxRadley member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    julieanne912 said:
    AddieCake said:
    I'm of the "who cares if she doesn't come" mindset. I'm so over dramatic shit from people. Really? You'd miss your son's wedding because he doesn't want to do a spotlight dance? OK, then, look stupid.
    Pretty much this.  

    I've also found that people who make threats like that just do it to get their way, because it usually works.  
    It's called "manipulation", I'm told, and we too are finding out FMIL is a fucking rockstar at it. But ultimately it's his decision. We're actually in kind of the same position except for at this point we don't even want her there, so I'd say screw the dance. But like I've told FI multiple times, it all depends on if he wants to attempt a relationship with his parents again at any point in time in the future. Maybe he doesn't want to burn the bridge just quite yet. 
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    thisismynickname2thisismynickname2 member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    BouxRadley said: julieanne912 said: AddieCake said: I'm of the "who cares if she doesn't come" mindset. I'm so over dramatic shit from people. Really? You'd miss your son's wedding because he doesn't want to do a spotlight dance? OK, then, look stupid. Pretty much this.  
    I've also found that people who make threats like that just do it to get their way, because it usually works.   It's called "manipulation", I'm told, and we too are finding out FMIL is a fucking rockstar at it. But ultimately it's his decision. We're actually in kind of the same position except for at this point we don't even want her there, so I'd say screw the dance. But like I've told FI multiple times, it all depends on if he wants to attempt a relationship with his parents again at any point in time in the future. Maybe he doesn't want to burn the bridge just quite yet.  I basically see two conversations led by OP's FI: "Mom, honestly I hate spotlight dances. I'm doing one with Blushing and she's doing one with her dad, but I really don't want to do any others. Do you mind?"     or "I'm not doing a spotlight dance." See where it gets him. Up to him. 
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    kimmiinthemittenkimmiinthemitten member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    Just remember, no is a complete sentence.  Especially when dealing with manipulators because they will find ways to justify and emotionally attach to every single reason you give.  So don't.  Just say no.
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    blushingbride8888blushingbride8888 member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    Thanks knotties! I know she's a master manipulator and that's how she gets her way.. we'll see how it all plays out.

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    lembasloverlembaslover member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment First Answer
    How would she even know he's not going to do the spotlight dance with her until the first dance and father daughter dance are over and the night has moved on. I mean I suppose if you surprise her like that she could cause a scene so perhaps that's why you're planning on telling her? 

    My FI is struggling with his parents right now too and I've been trying very hard to balance between supporting him 100% and trying to keep the peace because I do want a relationship with my in laws. In my case my FI isn't completely right but his parents are being manipulative too. I've been trying to be there for him listen and sympathize and tell him I support him but also pointing out that sometimes we need to be the bigger person and let things go with people we love. I'd say at this point it's been more like 95% support and 5% peace keeping.

    The way I see it is he's the one I'm marrying so I need to support him but I know deep down he loves his parents and I'm just trying to encourage him not to burn those bridges because he may regret it later. I recommend you be supportive but it is his decision so besides reminding him how he could be burning a bridge (not repeatedly maybe just mention it once) just listen, be there for him, and let him decide. 
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