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seating the parents for dinner issues

snicks26snicks26 member
First Anniversary First Comment
in Wedding Etiquette Forum
Hey everyone! With just 3 weeks left its crunchtime for us to get the seating arrangement together. My fiance and I put together something preliminary to get the ball rolling, and we gave the spreadsheet to our parents to look and and rearrange their respective sides of the family if needed. My mom got super upset when I put together a parents and grandparents table. I thought it would be nice for the grandparents to meet and for everyone to share dinner together. Then I felt as if I was imposing our ideas onto our parents, so I asked my FMIL to put together a table for themselves if they wanted to change it. She said it would be nice to sit parents and grandparents together. His side is really trying to get to know my parents. My mom is being difficult and wants to sit with her family (which is kind of unfair to my dad anyway). I feel bad saying my way goes to my mom since both our families are splitting the wedding costs 50/50. We are high school sweethearts and our parents have known each other for 6 years, but mine make no effort to be welcoming to his unless we force them to be together, then they are civil. My mom is turning into a momzilla, she already took over our half of the guest list with her family and friends. Is it too much to ask for them to sit together? I feel at this point it would be rude to separate them since his parents already said yes to the idea of sitting together. Opinions/ideas? Thanks in advance!
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Re: seating the parents for dinner issues

  • JaxInBlueJaxInBlue member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment Name Dropper
    As much as I would like to say it really shouldn't matter where your parents sit, I understand that not all parents are meant to be fast friends. My parents and DH's live something like 2 miles from each other, yet rarely do they socialize outside of doing something for/with us.  As a result, our parents each hosted their own table at our reception.

    Since you said your parents and his are splitting the costs of the wedding, perhaps it's time to suggest a compromise such as having the parents and grandparents sit together at the rehearsal dinner, but having their own tables at the reception.  Maybe as nod to your FILs being comfortable sitting together, you could position those tables close to one another so that they can still interact during the evening and are "nearby" instead of sharing a table.

    I think the best thing to do - in general - as you make your seating chart is to focus less on your families getting to know one another and do your best to seat people together who will enjoy their tablemates, be able to make conversation, etc.  This might mean your computer engineer cousin sits with his computer engineer cousin, or that your college friends are at one table and his are at another.  I don't think this means you have to sit your aunts with his, your cousins with his, your BFF with his BFF.
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  • STARMOON44STARMOON44 member
    First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    I'd just put your mom at a table with the people your parents want. It's a typical arrangement and I don't think it's at all rude to your FI's family. Honestly you know your parents aren't interested in being friends with his so I think suggesting this was silly.
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  • Jen4948Jen4948 member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    To be honest, I wouldn't use your wedding to force your parents to sit together.

    When I was dating my now ex-BF, we had begun talking about marriage and I'd begun to think about how our parents might interact with each other.  I had the feeling that they weren't going to become close friends and probably wouldn't want to sit together, so I was prepared to allow them to host separate tables and not seat them together, while my BF and I would have sat at a sweetheart table.

    If your mom just isn't into being close to your FI's family, don't push it.
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  • huskypuppy14huskypuppy14 member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its First Answer
    The only time I've seen both sets of parents at the same table is when the bride and groom were also at that table.
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  • jacques27jacques27 member
    First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    Seat them separately.  Just because their two children decided to marry each other doesn't mean they are obligated to be BFFs.  It's nice that your FI's family wants to be inclusive of her, but your mom just isn't feeling it and that's totally ok.  It doesn't make her a horrible person.

    Stop thinking of your wedding as the thing that makes all of you one big happy family and trying to get them to bond.  You and FI became a family, and by extension each became a part of the other's family, but your family (parents, grandparents, etc.) aren't the ones getting married to each other.  Try thinking of it as a dinner party.  The parents and grandparents will meet at some point (rehearsal dinner, receiving line, etc.) and if they hit it off and like each other they'll seek each other out and mingle on their own.  But in the meantime, let them enjoy your big dinner party with their family and friends - especially if they have family coming in from out of town that they might not get a chance to see that often.  Outside of family reunions and the occasional big wedding, a lot of families don't get a chance to all be in the same place at the same time.
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  • kmmssgkmmssg mod
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    At all of our girls' weddings we hosted our own table as did the other parents.  I would not want to sit with the new inlaws and grandparents when I could be visiting with people I don't get to see very often.  Let the parents choose who sits at their tables.
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  • AddieCakeAddieCake member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    We seated our parents at the same table, but that was because we both had very little family there, and most of them fit at one table. We would have had them host their own tables otherwise.
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
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  • ILoveBeachMusicILoveBeachMusic member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    At my daughters upcoming wedding, her FILS and my husband and I are considering sitting together so that we don't have to choose with which family members we sit.  We would each have the eldest members (grandparents) sitting with us. Since that would put us at 8 it would be one table. If each set of parents hosts a table, we will have to pick amongst siblings who we will sit with.
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  • downtondivadowntondiva member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    If your mom's really that uncomfortable sitting with your in-laws, I'd just have her and your dad host their own table and let this idea go. I don't know why your parents aren't friendlier with your in-laws - maybe you don't know either - but the reality is that they're not obligated to be friends just because you and your FI are getting married. As long as they aren't fighting every time they're in the same room, I think you need to leave well enough alone and stop trying to force them together.
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  • lyndausvilyndausvi mod
    First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    We had our parents each host a table. All my siblings did the same.  SIL did the same.

    I can't remember ever seeing parents altogether.  Our parents met once.  That was at the RD.  






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
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  • MairePoppyMairePoppy mod
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    My DD and SIL asked us who we'd like at our table. SIL's parents live on the west coast and wanted to sit with their east coast cousins. we wanted to sit with guests that we don't get to see as often as we'd like.  My parents were asked to pick their table mates, too. Everyone had a great time.
                       
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  • MesmrEweMesmrEwe member
    First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited July 2015
    IMO - this is what the RD is for, to force the interactions...  I'd let your Mom "win" this round, but I'd also let Dad win too by not being stuck with her family for the same reason and if he'd like to sit with the new IL's or someone from his side, great, go for it otherwise ask him who he'd like to sit with...  I'm much more a fan of place cards than table/seating assignments because of the simplicity of "I can choose who and where I want to sit next to!"..  It's one thing if you have a group of friends that is small and will know no one else in the room to place them together. 
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  • MandyMostMandyMost member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    Before we actually made the seating chart, my husband and I picked who we wanted to sit with (we didn't have any kind of "head table" aside from it being the table we were sitting at), and then we told each set of parents "Tables fit 7-9 people each. Who do you want to sit with"? Then we made the seating chart out of the remaining guests.

    Our parents get along great. But they both wanted to sit with their own friends and/or family at the wedding. 
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