Wedding Etiquette Forum

Rehearsal Dinner and OOT Guests

jenjen047jenjen047 member
First Comment First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper
edited July 2015 in Wedding Etiquette Forum
My parents have generously offered to pay for our wedding and RD. We are having a lot of OOT guests and I know my parents are trying to keep costs down where possible. So when talking about numbers for the RD I said I count 23 guests who are involved in the actual ceremony, and obviously need to be at the RD, and it was up to them if we want to keep the RD just to those 23 guests or extend the invitation to other OOT guests.
My parents suggestion was they will pay for the 23 guests involved in the ceremony (this is including dates/spouses of groomsmen, bridesmaids, etc) and the OOT guests on my side, and leave it up to FIs family to decide to invite their side's OOT guests. Then FI's parents would either pay for their OOT guests or those guests pay for themselves. FI's family has not offered to contribute financially.
This feels so wrong to me but wanted to get some input. I hate the idea that my OOT guests will be there and be hosted while FI's will either not be there or not be equally hosted....or we end up having to basically ask/force FI's family to chip in when they haven't offered.

Re: Rehearsal Dinner and OOT Guests

  • Imo, it's not cool. I don't know why parents do this to their kids. These will be YOUR ILs and your FI will be their SIL. I'd request that they treat the guests fairly or you'll decline and host yourself.
  • banana468 said:

    Imo, it's not cool. I don't know why parents do this to their kids. These will be YOUR ILs and your FI will be their SIL. I'd request that they treat the guests fairly or you'll decline and host yourself.

    QFT.

    I'd thank your parents but let them know that because the rehearsal dinner isn't a family reunion for your family only, you'll host it yourself.
  • I'd just pay for your FI's guests yourself- your parents pay for the wedding party + their OOT guests, and you and your FI cover his side's OOT guests. Either that, or no OOT guests at all
  • That sounds very inappropriate to me. I don't think this is how you want to start out with your fiance's family.
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
    image
  • That's pretty inconsiderate of your parents.  If they're not going to host your FIs OOT guests (but will pay for your side's OOT), I'd decline the party and host your own.  It doesn't have to be fancy or expensive (pizza, BBQ, etc).  
  • Thanks everyone. That was my suggestion too (FI and I host and we invite just parties involved in actual wedding). My mom feels like her family will be insulted not to be invited. I said if I am hosting they can take it up with me. Agree with @banana468 idk why parents do this.
  • kvrunskvruns member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its First Answer
    I would either just do wedding party and no OOT or offer to pay for FI side of OOT. Don't ask FI family to pay for them nor them to pay for themselves
  • jenjen047 said:
    Thanks everyone. That was my suggestion too (FI and I host and we invite just parties involved in actual wedding). My mom feels like her family will be insulted not to be invited. I said if I am hosting they can take it up with me. Agree with @banana468 idk why parents do this.
    Yet she doen't think your FI's side will be insulted when they find out your OOT side was invited but not theirs?  That makes no sense.
  • JoanE2012 said:


    jenjen047 said:

    Thanks everyone. That was my suggestion too (FI and I host and we invite just parties involved in actual wedding). My mom feels like her family will be insulted not to be invited. I said if I am hosting they can take it up with me. Agree with @banana468 idk why parents do this.

    Yet she doen't think your FI's side will be insulted when they find out your OOT side was invited but not theirs?  That makes no sense.

    This. Your family's OOT guests will be offended but his won't? I'd tell your mom that her logic makes no sense.
  • I totally agree. There is no logic.
  • SP29SP29 member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    I would tell your mom, "since we are unable to host FI's family as well, lets keep the guest list to just those involved with the wedding".

    Technically if they are hosting, they can invite anyone they want, but it is un-cool to invite all your family but not FI's. Also not cool to ask someone to host "their" guests at someone elses hosted party.

    Or, you and FI could host it yourselves and invite whom you want.

    P.S. That koala is so freaking adorable!!
  • The only reason we even did OOT guests were because the few that we had were staying with our families. We felt that it would be rude to make them stay back at our parents homes (both parents were hosting their siblings) and have to fend for themselves for dinner. Had the relatives been staying at hotels, we probably would have left it just at Bridal party members and parents
  • MegEn1MegEn1 member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its First Answer
    Honestly we had a similar issue. FMIL wanted some extended relatives at the RD and offered to pay, and offered to pay for a smattering of extended family on my side too. But then it comes to leaving some people out arbitrarily based on space, finances, etc. 

    Got some GREAT Knot advice to shut that shit down. If you keep the RD to your party, people in the ceremony and SOs no one extended can get offended and you keep your costs down. I made this point with FMIL by saying I wanted to do something special for those who are participating in the ceremony, not a big party for everyone who happens to be in the area. People participating in the ceremony are sacrificing time and effort to do something special for FI and I, we should give them the same consideration. 

    Keep in mind just because extended family doesn't come to the RD doesn't mean you can't see them. Our RD is at 6:30 after that I'm sure we'll all break and spend time with some of our out of towners. Some people have this idea that if someone isn't at the RD you CAN NEVER SEE THEM UNTIL THE WEDDING OMG. Nah man just go to the hotel bar. And have a soda. 

    Achievement Unlocked: Survived Your Wedding! 
  • Thanks everyone! My parents thankfully saw how silly they were being, so they have agreed we need to host everyone equally. We did offer to host it ourselves, but we are grateful they are hosting. 
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