Pre-wedding Parties

Bridal Shower Finances Drama & Guilt

Hi everyone! 

I'm looking for some advice on dealing with my sister who is my MOH and the bridal shower she is planning. I'm getting married in January 2016 and I asked my two younger sisters (twins) to be my Maids of Honor. They are 26 years old (I'm 28) and we've always been pretty close to one another. My other bridesmaids are close friends as well but none of us live very local to one another. 

One of my sisters is "taking the lead" more, I guess, and asked me what I was thinking about a bridal shower. I know that a shower is NOT a party that I plan for myself, and I know that being a bridesmaid or a MOH is a big drain on time and money so I really, really do not want to be demanding. I told her that I probably had 45 women I wanted to invite (our guest list is 200 so that's not all the women to be invited at all) and that it could be at someone's house, a church hall, anywhere really- I don't think it has to be at a restaurant with a full meal. She hasn't been to many showers but I've been to a few so I described that I've been to some at restaurants but also nice ones at someone's house with sandwiches, or appetizers and dessert. 

I made a GoogleDoc with names and addresses right away to try to be helpful and my sister was immediately *shocked* at the number. I told her I would try to cut some people off the list if she wanted but that there's no way I can cut my FI's aunts and cousins. I still have 40 women on the list that I not only want to invite but I think they would expect to be invited. We had a tense conversation a few weeks ago where she kept mentioning "the budget" and wanting to do what is most "affordable" and it really started stressing me out and making me upset. I told her point blank this does not need to be something that costs her a lot of money.

Last night she called me to discuss the bridal shower again and she started describing a local tavern that has a party room (sounds very nice) and explicitly listing the prices for different options. Then she asked how many people I want to invite because if we only have 25 we can do xyz. I told her 40 (again) but that's only the people I want to invite, and I'm sure some of them won't be able to attend so the number will be lower. AGAIN she started mentioning the money, asked if I could ask the bridesmaids to contribute, and just generally making me feel like I'm putting a huge burden on her and that there's something wrong with me as a bride. Is forty people to invite really a crazy ton of people? 

I guess I'm just looking for some advice. What do I do or say to her? I'm at the point where I want to tell her that I don't want to have a shower at all. I think if I say that though it might appear like I'm throwing a hissy fit or looking for some sympathy. I never asked her to plan this or take this on, I guess it is *sort of* expected for the MOH or bridesmaids to do it. I only have one aunt and she never would offer, I know it's tacky for the MOB to plan one (my mom wouldn't be able to, probably couldn't even contribute to the one my sister is planning), so maybe she feels like she has to? 

Is there some bridal shower planning/etiquette/ideas that I could direct her to? I'm planning so many things for the wedding that I really don't want to be trying to figure out the way that my sister can plan me an affordable, low-key bridal shower :/ Thanks so much for any advice you have. 

Re: Bridal Shower Finances Drama & Guilt

  • ShesSoColdShesSoCold bend over and I'll show ya
    Moderator 5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its
    mod
    Hi everyone! 

    I'm looking for some advice on dealing with my sister who is my MOH and the bridal shower she is planning. I'm getting married in January 2016 and I asked my two younger sisters (twins) to be my Maids of Honor. They are 26 years old (I'm 28) and we've always been pretty close to one another. My other bridesmaids are close friends as well but none of us live very local to one another. 

    One of my sisters is "taking the lead" more, I guess, and asked me what I was thinking about a bridal shower. I know that a shower is NOT a party that I plan for myself, and I know that being a bridesmaid or a MOH is a big drain on time and money so I really, really do not want to be demanding. I told her that I probably had 45 women I wanted to invite (our guest list is 200 so that's not all the women to be invited at all) and that it could be at someone's house, a church hall, anywhere really- I don't think it has to be at a restaurant with a full meal. She hasn't been to many showers but I've been to a few so I described that I've been to some at restaurants but also nice ones at someone's house with sandwiches, or appetizers and dessert. 

    I made a GoogleDoc with names and addresses right away to try to be helpful and my sister was immediately *shocked* at the number. I told her I would try to cut some people off the list if she wanted but that there's no way I can cut my FI's aunts and cousins. I still have 40 women on the list that I not only want to invite but I think they would expect to be invited. We had a tense conversation a few weeks ago where she kept mentioning "the budget" and wanting to do what is most "affordable" and it really started stressing me out and making me upset. I told her point blank this does not need to be something that costs her a lot of money.

    Last night she called me to discuss the bridal shower again and she started describing a local tavern that has a party room (sounds very nice) and explicitly listing the prices for different options. Then she asked how many people I want to invite because if we only have 25 we can do xyz. I told her 40 (again) but that's only the people I want to invite, and I'm sure some of them won't be able to attend so the number will be lower. AGAIN she started mentioning the money, asked if I could ask the bridesmaids to contribute, and just generally making me feel like I'm putting a huge burden on her and that there's something wrong with me as a bride. Is forty people to invite really a crazy ton of people? 

    I guess I'm just looking for some advice. What do I do or say to her? I'm at the point where I want to tell her that I don't want to have a shower at all. I think if I say that though it might appear like I'm throwing a hissy fit or looking for some sympathy. I never asked her to plan this or take this on, I guess it is *sort of* expected for the MOH or bridesmaids to do it. I only have one aunt and she never would offer, I know it's tacky for the MOB to plan one (my mom wouldn't be able to, probably couldn't even contribute to the one my sister is planning), so maybe she feels like she has to? 

    Is there some bridal shower planning/etiquette/ideas that I could direct her to? I'm planning so many things for the wedding that I really don't want to be trying to figure out the way that my sister can plan me an affordable, low-key bridal shower :/ Thanks so much for any advice you have. 
    Exactly what Addie said. You sister is throwing this party and her budget and size is up to her, not you. 
    Image result for someecard betting someone half your shit youll love them forever
    [Deleted User]
  • Ok that sounds fine to me. Do you have an opinion on who should be invited? Should I cut my fiance's 4 aunts and 8 female cousins and 2 cousin-in-laws (is that a thing?-they invited me to theirs)? Or should I leave them on the list and cut a group of friends?
  • AddieCakeAddieCake Beyond the Wall
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    member
    You should invite the people you are closest to. Make a list. When those spaces are complete, however many spots you have left, you can fill in with other people. Surely you are not that close with your fiance's aunts?
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
    image
    [Deleted User]
  • I'm really not! I guess I feel pressure to invite them because I'm invited to his cousin's and to his cousin's fiancee's. I just asked my sister what number she feels comfortable inviting and I'll do it that way. 
    AddieCakeBlue_Birdlc07
  • I'm really not! I guess I feel pressure to invite them because I'm invited to his cousin's and to his cousin's fiancee's. I just asked my sister what number she feels comfortable inviting and I'll do it that way. 
    Nope, you are not obligated to invite anyone just because they invited you. Good on you for listening to advice!
    image
  • OP good for you for listening to well meaning and good advice.

    Your sister cannot host more than X number so you only invite X number. Counting you and her of course. Invite those closest to you. If my sister was hosting a shower for me the only person on my FI side would probably be his mom.
  • I'm really not! I guess I feel pressure to invite them because I'm invited to his cousin's and to his cousin's fiancee's. I just asked my sister what number she feels comfortable inviting and I'll do it that way. 
    If someone on your FI's side wants to throw you another shower, they can offer that.  Then you can include the people on the other side of the family and anyone else you weren't able to invite the first time.  Your sister is right, you do not get to spend other people's money. 
    Casadena
  • Thanks so much for clarifying- this makes a ton of sense!!! I don't need or want a huge shower and it will be so much less stressful for it to be smaller with those closest to me :)
    Viczaesar
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