Etiquette

Matron of Honors Family

edited August 2015 in Etiquette
We have said that we would really like to have our wedding "kid free", and since this is our second wedding almost nobody we know has kids we thought that this wouldn't be an issue.  We have a firm number of 100 for supper.  My matron of honor has 7 kids.  Oldest one is married with baby, second oldest engaged, then range in age to the youngest of 5.  When her son got married last year and she put on the wedding we drove 7 hours to wedding and we were NOT invited for supper.  Now we are having issues with asking if there is any way the kids could stay with their grandma for the supper portion(she lives closer).  She has said the kids are there for the day and that her granddaughter is coming as well(will just be 1)  Now this means her family alone is 12 people for supper.  I have already explained that she will probably be busy all day between hair/make up/pictures/ceremony/pictures to chase kids around, so would be good to have someone watch them.  She said they will just spend the day with us????? We now have to cut family out to serve them?  How can I ask her to not bring the kids?

KnotRiley
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Re: Matron of Honors Family

  • princessleia22princessleia22 Oceanfront Property in Arizona
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    I would just be honest with her.  If she's close enough to be your MOH, she should be close enough to be honest with.  Just tell her that the invitation was intended for just her and her SO, not the kids.  That you have a strict guest list of 100 allowed, and intentionally chose to not invite anybody's kids to stick to this number, and inviting her whole family would take up 12% of your total guest list.  That would cause you to eliminate family that is expecting to attend. Just be straight forward and honest. If you choose to dance around it with "they may get in the way" or "you may be busy all day" instead of just saying "your kids weren't invited and my limited guest list can't accommodate them", then you have no right to be upset when they all show up.  Sometimes it's best to just say what you mean.  If she's a real friend, she should be understanding.

    image 

    SP29adk19
  • madamerwinmadamerwin
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    edited August 2015
    I agree with PPs -  You need to tell her the invitation is only for her and her SO. It sounds like MOH's kids are all grown and out of the house anyway, so it seems odd that she would be assuming the invitation is for everyone (not to say that it's right for people to assume their underage kids are invited, but that seems slightly more understandable). 

    On another note... When you say you drove 7 hours to her son's wedding but were not invited to supper - does that mean that you were invited to the ceremony, but not the reception? If so, it sounds like your MOH and her family have no grasp on proper etiquette; anyone invited to the ceremony must also be invited to the reception.

    ETA: I misread the OP - I see she also has underage kids. But you are still perfectly within etiquette to limit the invitation just to the MOH and her SO.
    BabyFruit Ticker
  • edited August 2015
    Yes we were invited to the ceremony and dance. We weren't invited for supper but rit was a pay for your plate thing so I didn't bring it up to them. I don't agree with that but that was my choice to go and not say anything. Is it also okay to come kid free a day before wedding?
  • Yes we were invited to the ceremony and dance. We weren't invited for supper but rit was a pay for your plate thing so I didn't bring it up to them. I don't agree with that but that was my choice to go and not say anything. Is it also okay to come kid free a day before wedding?
    I am not sure what you're asking here - but it's always ok to come kid-free to a wedding, even if the kids ARE invited. However, people are welcome to bring their kids when they travel, but that means they need to find childcare when they attend the kid-free wedding.

    So since this is an etiquette board, I want to ask a side question about your original post: You say you are firm at 100 for supper, but does that mean you're inviting more than 100 to the ceremony or after-supper party? If so, please reconsider. It's definitely against etiquette to invite people only to portions of a wedding, and it's SUPER against etiquette to make people pay for their own meal. It sounds like your MOH has zero grasp of proper etiquette.
    BabyFruit Ticker
    adk19charcoalandblushOliveOilsMom
  • SP29SP29
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    edited August 2015
    I assume the original invitation you sent her, was for herself and her SO?

    You are under no obligation to invite anyone's children. It is up to the parent to determine child care, or not attend the wedding if they cannot find childcare.

    I agree you need to be honest and direct with your friend. Do not give reasons or excuses- that only gives her room to find a "solution". You need to tell her, "I am sorry but the invitation was only for you and X (her SO). We cannot accommodate any of your children".

    I am not quite sure what you mean "kid free a day before wedding"? Your wedding is your ceremony and reception. Your MOH's only responsibility is to show up on time, appropriately dressed. How she spends her time before the wedding is her decision.

    I see you mentioned hair/nails/make up. If she has agreed to participate in this (also realizing this isn't something you can dictate she do, unless you are paying for it), then I think it is OK to say that it isn't appropriate for her kids to be there (but again realize that if she doesn't have child care, she may decline to attend these appointments with you and do her own hair and make up).

    Or are you referring to a rehearsal practice/dinner? Only those who are participating in the ceremony need to be there, and those people should all be thanked with dinner. Again, you could extend the invitation to only her and her SO for dinner, but also realize if child care is an issue she may not be able to attend, and you need to accept that.

    If you MOH is out of town and childcare is an issue, it is often recommended to make an exception knowing the option is either you invite the WP member with their kids, or they can't come (and thus stand up for you at your wedding).
    adk19
  • The day before we have a spa day which I invited my two attendants too as a gift then to rehearsal and dinner following. I had told her we gave caterer numbers for that and that was when the family issue was brought up. She was upset I wasn't inviting everyone to dinner. The morning of I gave option to have hair done at my house/salon or do it yourself. She said she would like to come for hair and makeup. Again this is at our house and we don't really want all the kids running around while getting ready. She had asked about getting her daughters hair/makeup done as well and I told her the stylist we had coming would probably not have time for them as well
  • Sorry that was me wording it wrong. We have seating for 100 for supper. That's all the room will handle. So 100 people total invited.
  • Sorry that was me wording it wrong. We have seating for 100 for supper. That's all the room will handle. So 100 people total invited.
    Are you saying here that more than 100 are invited to the wedding ceremony but only 100 will be fed? Because that's so wrong. As your MOH was wrong to do to you.
    image
  • I am so confused. Why does your MOH think her kids are invited? Are they or are they not? Did you have a conversation about this? 
    adk19
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston
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    The day before we have a spa day which I invited my two attendants too as a gift then to rehearsal and dinner following. I had told her we gave caterer numbers for that and that was when the family issue was brought up. She was upset I wasn't inviting everyone to dinner. The morning of I gave option to have hair done at my house/salon or do it yourself. She said she would like to come for hair and makeup. Again this is at our house and we don't really want all the kids running around while getting ready. She had asked about getting her daughters hair/makeup done as well and I told her the stylist we had coming would probably not have time for them as well
    Don't give reasons why her children are not invited.  And don't let her complain that she has no one else to watch her children (not your problem), or that no one will notice them or that they will be little or no bother (irrelevant and not necessarily true).  Stand firm: "I'm sorry, but your children are not invited."
    adk19SP29
  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 Ravens & Bohs & Crabs & O's
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    OP you just need to be straight forward with your friend.  Don't try to be all wishy washy with it.  Just say "Friend, I am sorry but your children are not invited to the wedding, the spa day or the rehearsal."

    SP29abrewer5PrettyGirlLost
  • beachyone15beachyone15 TEXAS (the home of my exes)
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    Agree with PPs. By saying, "the stylist won't have time for her"...blah blah blah, you are just making it sound like she IS invited. You need to be clear and tell your MOH that you can't accommodate all of her children - the invite is only for her and her SO.


    Daisypath Anniversary tickers



    SP29
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston
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    Don't even say that you can't accommodate all her children, since none of the children are invited. Emphasize (politely) that only she and her SO are invited.
    SP29
  • OliveOilsMomOliveOilsMom South Jersey
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    We have said that we would really like to have our wedding "kid free", and since this is our second wedding almost nobody we know has kids we thought that this wouldn't be an issue.  We have a firm number of 100 for supper.  My matron of honor has 7 kids.  Oldest one is married with baby, second oldest engaged, then range in age to the youngest of 5.  When her son got married last year and she put on the wedding we drove 7 hours to wedding and we were NOT invited for supper.  Now we are having issues with asking if there is any way the kids could stay with their grandma for the supper portion(she lives closer).  She has said the kids are there for the day and that her granddaughter is coming as well(will just be 1)  Now this means her family alone is 12 people for supper.  I have already explained that she will probably be busy all day between hair/make up/pictures/ceremony/pictures to chase kids around, so would be good to have someone watch them.  She said they will just spend the day with us????? We now have to cut family out to serve them?  How can I ask her to not bring the kids?


    Yes we were invited to the ceremony and dance. We weren't invited for supper but rit was a pay for your plate thing so I didn't bring it up to them. I don't agree with that but that was my choice to go and not say anything. Is it also okay to come kid free a day before wedding?

    The day before we have a spa day which I invited my two attendants too as a gift then to rehearsal and dinner following. I had told her we gave caterer numbers for that and that was when the family issue was brought up. She was upset I wasn't inviting everyone to dinner. The morning of I gave option to have hair done at my house/salon or do it yourself. She said she would like to come for hair and makeup. Again this is at our house and we don't really want all the kids running around while getting ready. She had asked about getting her daughters hair/makeup done as well and I told her the stylist we had coming would probably not have time for them as well

    Sorry that was me wording it wrong. We have seating for 100 for supper. That's all the room will handle. So 100 people total invited.

    I think you need to be more straight forward with your MOH.  "Friend, I have tried to politely skirt around the issue, but I don't think I've been clear enough.  I'm sorry to tell you that the invitation was for you and your SO only.  Your children are not invited to the wedding.  I'm sorry for all of the confusion." 

    Also, know that if you are having a church wedding anyone is allowed to attend.  So if your MOH wants her children to attend the ceremony in the church, they will not be turned away.  They can be turned away for dinner though.  Have place cards to identify which table people will be sitting at.  If necessary, have someone from the venue check off names as people come in.

    Your MOH's previous etiquette problem with her son's wedding in no way plays a part in your wedding, other than the fact MOH probably has no idea of etiquette.  She obviously doesn't know that only the people listed on the invitation are invited.  For example if you put Jane and John Doe, then only they are invited.  But if you put The Doe Family, then the couple and their minor children are invited together.

  • auriannaaurianna
    Seventh Anniversary 1000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
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    edited August 2015
    I'm so confused.

    OP,

    1. Have you sent out invitations yet?

    2a. If you have sent out invites, what did hers say? (who was it addressed to, what events did they include?)

    2b. If you haven't sent out invites, what exactly have you told her, verbally, when it comes to her kids and your wedding?

    3. Have you had any pre-wedding events like a shower, engagement party, etc? And if so, were any of her adult children invited?

    4. You realize that their inviting people to just the ceremony and dance, and not dinner, was hella tacky, and hopefully you are NOT doing the same thing. Invite people to all, or nothing.



    If you haven't sent out invites and have said nothing to indicate that her kids are invited to any part of the wedding, nip this now. Tell her, "MOH, I need to tell you, that we're only planning on inviting you and your SO to the wedding. We won't be able to accommodate your kids at the rehearsal dinner or wedding events."

    If you have sent invites, and you sent them to "MOH and Family/household" instead of "MOH and SO", or if you've told her that her kids can come to the wedding (even if you just meant the ceremony), then you are stuck. You need to invite people to the whole event, so it would be rude to not invite at least her live-in children.

    If you invited any of her adult-children to any pre-wedding events, you need to invite them to your wedding (including dinner). It's rude not to.


    I really just want to know if there's a reason she seems to think her kids are invited to these things. If you somehow led her to believe they were, you have a problem. If she's just pulling this out of thin air though, just be straight with her.
  • AddieCakeAddieCake Beyond the Wall
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    edited August 2015
    I'm confused how this person is apparently your nearest and dearest (since she is MOH) and yet you were not even invited to have dinner at her reception.

    And yeah, why does she think her kids are invited? Why did you ask if they could stay with Grandma? That should not have even been discussed.
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
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    Jen4948MGPPrettyGirlLost
  • MGPMGP
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    AddieCake said:
    I'm confused how this person is apparently your nearest and dearest (since she is MOH) and yet you were not even invited to have dinner at her reception.

    And yeah, why does she think her kids are invited? Why did you ask if they could stay with Grandma? That should not have even been discussed.
    This.  So this person does not invite you and your SO to a PAY YOUR OWN PLATE RECEPTION DINNER (I am safely assuming the OP does not have 7 kids and travel with an entourage), but you can't grow a backbone and tell this person her ten extra guests aren't invited?

    Seems like a no brainer to me. . . 
    AddieCakeShesSoColdYogaSandyPrettyGirlLost
  • madamerwinmadamerwin
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    edited August 2015
    AddieCake said:
    I'm confused how this person is apparently your nearest and dearest (since she is MOH) and yet you were not even invited to have dinner at her reception.

    And yeah, why does she think her kids are invited? Why did you ask if they could stay with Grandma? That should not have even been discussed.

    ---BOXBOXBOX---

    In the OP, she says she wasn't invited to dinner at MOH's son's reception, not MOH's. Which I guess makes a little more sense? Although I can't get past the whole "pay for your plate" BS. But since clearly some of her children are adults, can't the minors just stay with a sibling or something?
    BabyFruit Ticker
  • MGPMGP
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    edited August 2015
    AddieCake said:
    I'm confused how this person is apparently your nearest and dearest (since she is MOH) and yet you were not even invited to have dinner at her reception.

    And yeah, why does she think her kids are invited? Why did you ask if they could stay with Grandma? That should not have even been discussed.

    ---BOXBOXBOX---

    In the OP, she says she wasn't invited to dinner at MOH's son's reception, not MOH's. Which I guess makes a little more sense? Although I can't get past the whole "pay for your plate" BS. But since clearly some of her children are adults, can't the minors just stay with a sibling or something?
    ____ boxes????

    Yes, but she also says "When her son got married last year and she put on the wedding we drove 7 hours to wedding and we were NOT invited for supper" I take that as the MOH was the MOG and was hosting/financing her son's wedding.  If the bride's family was paying and had control of the guest list I would almost understand (not the gross etiquette failures like guests paying for their meals, just the bride's family making cuts to the guest list) but the actual host cutting her best friend from the guest list is pretty egregious to me.  I certainly wouldn't be going out of my way to host her brood at my wedding.
    Maggie0829PrettyGirlLostAddieCake
  • AddieCakeAddieCake Beyond the Wall
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    @tfmrserwin Thank you! I missed that! Still weird, though, as @MGP pointed out.
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
    image
    madamerwin
  • madamerwinmadamerwin
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    edited August 2015
    MGP said:
    AddieCake said:
    I'm confused how this person is apparently your nearest and dearest (since she is MOH) and yet you were not even invited to have dinner at her reception.

    And yeah, why does she think her kids are invited? Why did you ask if they could stay with Grandma? That should not have even been discussed.

    ---BOXBOXBOX---

    In the OP, she says she wasn't invited to dinner at MOH's son's reception, not MOH's. Which I guess makes a little more sense? Although I can't get past the whole "pay for your plate" BS. But since clearly some of her children are adults, can't the minors just stay with a sibling or something?
    ____ boxes????

    Yes, but she also says "When her son got married last year and she put on the wedding we drove 7 hours to wedding and we were NOT invited for supper" I take that as the MOH was the MOG and was hosting/financing her son's wedding.  If the bride's family was paying and had control of the guest list I would almost understand (not the gross etiquette failures like guests paying for their meals, just the bride's family making cuts to the guest list) but the actual host cutting her best friend from the guest list is pretty egregious to me.  I certainly wouldn't be going out of my way to host her brood at my wedding.

    ---BOXBOXBOX---

    Good point -  if this MOH is your best friend and she is paying for her son's wedding, you'd think you'd get an invite to the dinner. Just strange all around.
    BabyFruit Ticker
  • MGPMGP
    Knottie Warrior 500 Love Its 500 Comments Name Dropper
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    edited August 2015


    MGP said:




    AddieCake said:

    I'm confused how this person is apparently your nearest and dearest (since she is MOH) and yet you were not even invited to have dinner at her reception.

    And yeah, why does she think her kids are invited? Why did you ask if they could stay with Grandma? That should not have even been discussed.


    ---BOXBOXBOX---

    In the OP, she says she wasn't invited to dinner at MOH's son's reception, not MOH's. Which I guess makes a little more sense? Although I can't get past the whole "pay for your plate" BS. But since clearly some of her children are adults, can't the minors just stay with a sibling or something?

    ____ boxes????

    Yes, but she also says "When her son got married last year and she put on the wedding we drove 7 hours to wedding and we were NOT invited for supper" I take that as the MOH was the MOG and was hosting/financing her son's wedding.  If the bride's family was paying and had control of the guest list I would almost understand (not the gross etiquette failures like guests paying for their meals, just the bride's family making cuts to the guest list) but the actual host cutting her best friend from the guest list is pretty egregious to me.  I certainly wouldn't be going out of my way to host her brood at my wedding.


    ---BOXBOXBOX---

    Good point -  if this MOH is your best friend and she is paying for her son's wedding, you'd think you'd get an invite to the dinner. Just strange all around.


    ---- boxes would be nice

    Exactly. This woman couldn't even make space for two extra people when she wasn't even paying for thr food - but yet expects the OP to host her family at the rehearsal dinner and reception? That's 24 meals!!

    Something isn't adding up here. I just can't see how someone could do that to their best friend.
    AddieCake
  • It's a little off when money becomes involved with this friend. The wedding of her son was hosted by her and her husband. I was asked to help decorate and she was short on the hall rental so I covered it the night before so we could get in to decorate. I was asked to do hair for the wedding and ended up doing 10 heads that morning. And we missed the beginning of the service. We then went out for supper and came back to reception to pay $5/drink. But that's who they are. Also why I took the money out of the card that I had for bride and groom. I felt not getting paid for doing hair, covering the room rental(even if they will never know that) was enough of a gift.

    As to my MOH. She is no longer my MOH. She said if her kids can't be there than she wouldn't be there. I told her they could come to ceremony and if she really wanted them there than to the dance. I just couldn't justify cutting 12 people so her kids and their so's others could be there. We have been friends for 14 years and I knew it wasn't going to go well. So she has dropped out of the wedding and has stated we are no longer friends. It's a huge loss to me but it is my wedding right????
  • JediElizabethJediElizabeth
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    edited August 2015
    It's a little off when money becomes involved with this friend. The wedding of her son was hosted by her and her husband. I was asked to help decorate and she was short on the hall rental so I covered it the night before so we could get in to decorate. I was asked to do hair for the wedding and ended up doing 10 heads that morning. And we missed the beginning of the service. We then went out for supper and came back to reception to pay $5/drink. But that's who they are. Also why I took the money out of the card that I had for bride and groom. I felt not getting paid for doing hair, covering the room rental(even if they will never know that) was enough of a gift. As to my MOH. She is no longer my MOH. She said if her kids can't be there than she wouldn't be there. I told her they could come to ceremony and if she really wanted them there than to the dance. I just couldn't justify cutting 12 people so her kids and their so's others could be there. We have been friends for 14 years and I knew it wasn't going to go well. So she has dropped out of the wedding and has stated we are no longer friends. It's a huge loss to me but it is my wedding right????


    >>>>>Boxes<<<<<

    IMHO, it's a huge loss to her, not you. From the picture you've painted here, particularly in bold, she hasn't been much of a friend to you. 
    YogaSandyatlastmrsg
  • MGPMGP
    Knottie Warrior 500 Love Its 500 Comments Name Dropper
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    edited August 2015
    It's a little off when money becomes involved with this friend. The wedding of her son was hosted by her and her husband. I was asked to help decorate and she was short on the hall rental so I covered it the night before so we could get in to decorate. I was asked to do hair for the wedding and ended up doing 10 heads that morning. And we missed the beginning of the service. We then went out for supper and came back to reception to pay $5/drink. But that's who they are. Also why I took the money out of the card that I had for bride and groom. I felt not getting paid for doing hair, covering the room rental(even if they will never know that) was enough of a gift. As to my MOH. She is no longer my MOH. She said if her kids can't be there than she wouldn't be there. I told her they could come to ceremony and if she really wanted them there than to the dance. I just couldn't justify cutting 12 people so her kids and their so's others could be there. We have been friends for 14 years and I knew it wasn't going to go well. So she has dropped out of the wedding and has stated we are no longer friends. It's a huge loss to me but it is my wedding right????

    I know you probably weren't trying to make excuses for them but the "But that's who they are" didn't give them any reason to treat you the way they did. Hair for ten people done for free, help decorating, and you paid for the hall rental? And they didn't even invite you to dinner and charged you for drinks? That's despicable.

    You can't change people's behavior, just how you react to it. Good for you to distance yourself from these pigs. You sound like a really nice person. Start practicing the word "no". It's quite liberating.
    YogaSandyadk19
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