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Mom wants me to Elope :(

Knottie1439960789Knottie1439960789 member
Name Dropper First Comment
in Wedding Woes
Hey Ladies, My fiance and I have been engaged for 1 year as of 2 weeks ago and are finally starting to plan our wedding. We are paying for everything ourselves since he is 33 and I am 36. I'm an only child and always thought I would have some sort of wedding. My parents eloped and many relatives in my family have done the same so this whole wedding concept is alien to my parents. Anyway.. it's just been frustrating in terms of my mom. She kept telling me what a waste of money this all is and how we should elope like my cousin 43 year old male cousin recently did. We are looking to spend around 3-4k max. for everything including dress etc.. there would be 8 of us in total at the wedding and reception. My mom has also said she is to busy to participate in any way even when it came to helping me find a dress. I ended up going alone with my fiance and ran across a beautiful one at a sample sale for 500$ plus $250 for alterations. Anyway..I was hesitant to even go to a bridal dress shop since she thought the dresses aka poofy gowns (as she calls them) look over the top and thought I should look at a department store for a nice simple dress. When I called her about the dress and how I found it she was not that excited and just said I should have it taken in after wedding so I can use it and not waste all that money. Anyway.. it's just one thing after the other and it makes me super duper sad. I feel no excitement about this wedding.. my fiance is very sweet and told me he was proud of me for finding a nice dress with him.. but I just wish my mom cared :(. She just thinks weddings are a waste and the money should be used for more important things. We are financially stable though and we own a house with only 14 more years left on mortgage and we both have savings.. so I don't get it. On the other hand fiance's mom was ANTI us buying the house haha.. and thought we should be throwing a BIG WEDDING! omg.. I have had her questing me about this wedding for well over a year.. it's like the complete opposite of my mom. She's made me feel bad for NOT planning anything and she's bummed her bunch of friends can't come since the location is for 10 max. Anyway.. mom's you can never make them happy. Ug.. I can't wait till this is all over. :( P.S I attached a pic of the dress.. I'm dropping 30-40 llbs before the big day.. so hopefully I'll look pretty and not goofy as my mom currently thinks. :/ Any thoughts on how to cope with this?
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Re: Mom wants me to Elope :(

  • HeffalumpHeffalump member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its First Answer
    Knottie1439960789 said:
    Hey Ladies, My fiance and I have been engaged for 1 year as of 2 weeks ago and are finally starting to plan our wedding. We are paying for everything ourselves since he is 33 and I am 36. I'm an only child and always thought I would have some sort of wedding. My parents eloped and many relatives in my family have done the same so this whole wedding concept is alien to my parents. Anyway.. it's just been frustrating in terms of my mom. She kept telling me what a waste of money this all is and how we should elope like my cousin 43 year old male cousin recently did. We are looking to spend around 3-4k max. for everything including dress etc.. there would be 8 of us in total at the wedding and reception. My mom has also said she is to busy to participate in any way even when it came to helping me find a dress. I ended up going alone with my fiance and ran across a beautiful one at a sample sale for 500$ plus $250 for alterations. Anyway..I was hesitant to even go to a bridal dress shop since she thought the dresses aka poofy gowns (as she calls them) look over the top and thought I should look at a department store for a nice simple dress. When I called her about the dress and how I found it she was not that excited and just said I should have it taken in after wedding so I can use it and not waste all that money. Anyway.. it's just one thing after the other and it makes me super duper sad. I feel no excitement about this wedding.. my fiance is very sweet and told me he was proud of me for finding a nice dress with him.. but I just wish my mom cared :(. She just thinks weddings are a waste and the money should be used for more important things. We are financially stable though and we own a house with only 14 more years left on mortgage and we both have savings.. so I don't get it. On the other hand fiance's mom was ANTI us buying the house haha.. and thought we should be throwing a BIG WEDDING! omg.. I have had her questing me about this wedding for well over a year.. it's like the complete opposite of my mom. She's made me feel bad for NOT planning anything and she's bummed her bunch of friends can't come since the location is for 10 max. Anyway.. mom's you can never make them happy. Ug.. I can't wait till this is all over. :( P.S I attached a pic of the dress.. I'm dropping 30-40 llbs before the big day.. so hopefully I'll look pretty and not goofy as my mom currently thinks. :/Any thoughts on how to cope with this?
    If your mother continually criticizes things about your wedding (budget, dress), then stop discussing them with her.  Obviously she's not a wedding person, and that's okay.  She shouldn't expect you value the same things she does (and vice-versa:  she's not going to suddenly love weddings just because you're planning one). 

    However, the fact that you say you feel no excitement for this wedding is a red flag.  Is it that you're over the planning and want to move on to the marriage, or are there bigger issues?
    �
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  • PupatellaPupatella member
    Combo Breaker First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment
    edited August 2015
    Wow that sounds so hurtful.

    It sounds to me that you are being very financially responsible!!

    I'm glad that you are planning your wedding exactly how you and your FI want. I would stop telling your Mom anything wedding related (even though that is probably very tough). Just tell her how you want her to show up on the day and be supportive of you. Maybe if you cut all wedding talk, she will eventually start asking questions on her own about it. And if not, she is just stuck in her opinion of eloping as the only way to get married. Have all of the wedding talk with your friends, FI and FMIL.

    Also, her comment about how you look in your dress is NOT okay. You are her daughter. I think you look great on your dress!!

    I also agree with @Heffalump that you should be excited about your wedding, so that is very worrying. Is your Mom the one that is making you not excited, or are there other reasons? Your FI sounds great and supportive, so you should be very excited as the big day gets closer!!

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  • Jen4948Jen4948 member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    Well, certainly you should stop talking to your mom about your wedding. Don't start any conversations with her about it, and if she comes to you running off at the mouth with with the word "waste" I would reply, "Mom, you've said that a number of times, but as we are NOT going to elope and your comments about 'waste' are very hurtful, I'm not willing to discuss my wedding with you anymore. From now on my wedding is a closed subject."
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  • TheCheeseWenchTheCheeseWench member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Answer First Comment
    Ignore your Mother. Your dress looks beautiful. Lose what YOU want to lose if YOU actually want to, not because someone told you that you should.

    Also, I'm sorry but it appears you are going to have the plan this wedding without much help from your Mother. On the bright side, you'll get a lot less unsolicited advice from at least one side...
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  • MesmrEweMesmrEwe member
    First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    I agree with the PP - and would add this - all that matters is how YOU feel in the dress.  Don't bank on the weight loss, bank on becoming healthier and living a healthier lifestyle (which will likely result in shape and tone changes with possible weight changes..) that is sustainable for a lifetime regardless of stresses going on in life.  The reason I say this is from hanging out with Bodybuilders and powerlifters as some of my best friends.  40-50lbs. isn't something to sneeze at but most of all, you want to do it in a healthy way so that you can maintain it for a lifetime without doing damage to your metabolism.  IMO, you look good in the dress already, tone should be your goal, not pounds (muscle mass vs. fat mass - may not look like much on the scale has been "lost" but how everything fits will be dramatic!). 
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  • Knottie1438188755Knottie1438188755 member
    First Comment
    I'm in the same situation with my family - I was actually engaged before and when I came home to tell my family they were like, "Oh cool. Congratulations." and my sister went back to reading her magazine. I was...shocked. They were like "Well how did you WANT us to react?" And I couldn't even. LOL. My fiance at the time - I mean, I could tell by the look on his face he was hurt they just couldn't be bothered to care. When we came back to the city we live in and told HIS parents - OMG the reaction was SO different. They were ELATED. SO excited. It was so joyous and happy and they said the most lovely things about it. My mom's never been into weddings and frankly, involving her was stressing me OUT. I went wedding dress shopping with my fiance's mother instead and she was thrilled to take me. Anyway, things didn't work out there, but needless to say I knew that if I ever got engaged again that I'd have the same drama to face.

    So here I am again, and I have no idea why the thought never really crossed my mind, but when my boyfriend first started putting out 'let's talk about this' feelers...he said he'd known his whole life he wanted to elope, and asked me if I wanted a big wedding. I thought about it and while there's some friends in theory I would like to have there, it's not worth it at the expense of having to invite my family LOL. Within minutes elopement actually sounded like the PERFECT solution lol. We're doing a "wedding for two" at a historic B&B in December, and the package even includes a miniature wedding cake, and we're hiring a photographer I know who's cool and conceptual to take pics. I spent a lot of time looking at cool elopements online and I'm super happy we're going this route. :)

    Because really - it means I don't have to invite my family. LOL. I love them but GOD. They are going to ruin my mood that day.

    I don't think for two people in their 30s with secured finances, etc. your wants are unreasonable AT ALL. In fact, I think you're being crazy smart! I mean, 8 people? $4k? For two adults? She REALLY thinks this is a waste? Good god. Hell if you spent TWICE that I'd still think you're being extremely financially responsible.

    I'm 35 and when we were shopping for the elopement package I was really tempted to say 'let's do something with 6-8 people instead' but, ugh, again, I have to face the questions about why I want people not even related to me there and don't want my own family there.

    *hugs* This is hard but you're not alone. It sucks. I wish my mom that first time around had been as excited as my ex's parents were, or that my sister would have gotten up to hug me instead of just flipping through whatever she was reading. Lame, but lesson learned.

    The boy and I aren't really telling people - we're leaving for the weekend and coming back married. :) He's in love with the idea and thinks it's perfect for us and romantic, and given the situation I definitely have to agree.

    Have the wedding you want - and don't let your mom ruin your day. Since my mom cares so little, she's getting a phone call when it's all over. I'm not even gonna bother telling my family in person, even though we're getting married in the city where they live. I'm just happier this way.
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