Not having my sister as my MOH

Knottie78652792 · August 2015

I know this question has been asked on here before but I'm still a bit unsure as to what to do...

I have an older sister that I am really not close with at all (we never have been close and we don't have much in common), she has a hard time being happy for other people and she did not care to plan her own wedding a few years ago and just told our Mother to do whatever. Well now that I'm engaged and planning a wedding she really wants to help and be included, which I find odd since she didn't want to plan her own wedding.

I also have a best friend that has always been like a sister to me. She knows way more about me than my actual sister, and I am so much closer to my friend. She and I love planning parties/weddings/events and we had a blast when we planned her wedding. Her husband and my FI are even good friends, and there's never any drama between us.

So, when my Mother asked me about who my Maid of Honor, I told her I planned on it being my friend and my sister being my Matron of Honor. Well my Mother did not like that idea at all and suggested I either do two Maid's of Honor or just not have one at all. She kept insisting that since my sister and I are blood related, she should be included under the Maid of Honor title. Keep in mind, my Mother is the one paying for a majority of my wedding, so that's why what she had to say mattered to me.

I don't know what to do! I don't want to hurt my sister's feelings (I'm 100% sure that she will either say something to me or my Mother about it and start an argument), but my friend is more like a sister to me than my actual blood related sister. I don't want conflict but (I know I'm about to sound like bridezilla) but this day is about my FI and myself, not about how my sister feels. Any suggestions are welcome!!! Thanks in advance!!

thefanciestbeckler · August 2015

2 things.

1. Maid of Honor and Matron of Honor are the same thing. The title Matron of Honor is used when the person is married.

2. Your sister does not have to be your MOH. Especially if you are not close to her. In fact, she doesn't have to be in your bridal party at all.

KittenMittens84 · August 2015

They say those who pay have a say but when it comes to your ceremony and who will be in the wedding party that is totally off limits IMO. Your best bet is to plan a weddng you and your FI can afford and not let mom dictate who is of what title in your wedding party.

[Deleted User] · August 2015

I'd have your friend as the MOH and only if you want have your sister as a bridesmaid.. Some people believe that family means certain titles come along with them... In this case it's the MOH title.. It's not always a given. And it's not something that should be given as default. I'd tell your mom you are closer to your best friend. Your going to have to be short and to the point I think with this one. Then bean dip it if it comes up again.

AddieCake · August 2015

A Maid and Matron of Honor are the same thing. One is married, one is not, as the future Mrs. Beckler said above. If you aren't close, I don't know why you would even have her in your WP at all, let alone as MOH.

southernbelle0915 · August 2015

First, your mom is wrong about who "should" be MOH/BMs. The ONLY consideration is who you feel closest to. Not who you share DNA with...

Secondly, you need to separate the idea of "bridal party" from "who's going to help me plan". It is not the job of anyone in the bridal party to help you plan. If they want to and offer, fine. If they don't, it's not like they're failing to do their job or something.

And further, anyone can offer help - your sister doesn't have to be MOH (or a BM for that matter) to offer to help with stuff. Lots of people offered to help with my wedding - most of them were not in the wedding party at all.

Jen4948 · August 2015

Even if your mother was paying for your whole wedding, this is one of the few areas in which paying does not give her a say. Nor does shared DNA automatically designate your sister your MOH.

If you don't want to ask your sister for whatever reason to be your MOH, then don't ask her.

Tell your mother, "Mom, I'm sorry if you don't agree with my MOH decision, but I've made it and it's a closed subject." And don't discuss your plans with your mother.

If your mother keeps pushing it, I'd pay for your wedding in its entirety and return any funds she's already given you.

MyNameIsNot · August 2015

It doesn't sound like your sister should be in the WP at all. The wedding party has nothing to do with wedding planning. It's about honoring your closest relationships. It's pretty obvious who you are closest to.

Ask who you want and tell your mom that you've maid your decision. If your sister wants to help with planning, you can invite her along for certain appointments or shopping, but again, it's totally unnecessary.

luckya23 · August 2015

My mom was the same way. It honestly ended up making wedding planning even more miserable for me! Originally I was like fine, she can be MOH, who cares, it's just a title and won't mean anything to me one way or the other. My BFF is still my BFF and I wasn't even doing programs, so whatever.

Then we got in a big fight, so my sister not standing up with me was a hill I was willing to die on with my mother. Turns out, that made my wedding MORE about my sister to my mother, and it was all I heard about for over 6 months!

Your mother sounds similar so just give them both the same title, it really won't matter - unless you are willing to battle for your entire engagement.

Jen4948 · August 2015

luckya23 said:

My mom was the same way. It honestly ended up making wedding planning even more miserable for me! Originally I was like fine, she can be MOH, who cares, it's just a title and won't mean anything to me one way or the other. My BFF is still my BFF and I wasn't even doing programs, so whatever.
Then we got in a big fight, so my sister not standing up with me was a hill I was willing to die on with my mother. Turns out, that made my wedding MORE about my sister to my mother, and it was all I heard about for over 6 months!
Your mother sounds similar so just give them both the same title, it really won't matter - unless you are willing to battle for your entire engagement.

OP, if you do the bolded, your mother will pull the same thing every time you want to do something she opposes, including after the wedding and with your future children.

The only way to put a stop to it is to set boundaries and make clear to your mother that this is not up to her and that you won't discuss it.

littlepep · August 2015

Your mom is being ridiculous. Maid and Matron are literally the same thing, except one is married. Since it sounds like they are both married though why not have them both as Matron of Honor?

Whatever you do, don't let your mom dictate your wedding party. It's not her call, whether she is contributing money or not.

climbingsingle · August 2015

My H is not very close with his brother, and their relationship has been strained for years. He let his mother talk him into having his brother as his best man, and he regrets it. Not that his brother caused much drama, but it ended up just feeling forced and phony.

Don't let your mom talk you into something you don't want to do. The MOH is solely your choice. Pick your very best friend.

SP29 · August 2015

While the reception is to thank your guests, the ceremony is the one aspect that IS all about the bride and the groom (with the exception of following etiquette standards of making sure every guest has a chair, you start on time, etc). Thus, the choice of where to get married, who officiates, what you wear or who is in your WP is ENTIRELY your (and your FI's) decision. Your mom hosting your wedding does not entitle her to having a say in your ceremony and WP members.

Maid of Honour and Matron of Honour are the same thing (as said above). You pick the people who are most important to you. By asking them to be in your WP you are choosing to honour them on your wedding day. The people in your WP do not have any requirements, except to show up the day of in the agreed upon attire. They are not required to help you plan your wedding. Just because someone isn't in your wedding party doesn't mean they can't help plan your wedding.

You can have your sister in your WP if you want- two Matron of Honours (as they are both married- your friend would not be a Maid of Honour), your friend as your MOH and your sister as a bridesmaid (bridesmatron? Is that a thing?), or don't ask your sister to be in your party at all.

I agree that this when you need to stand up and tell your mom, "I will be asking my friend to be my MOH. The decision is made, and it is final".

[Deleted User] · August 2015

SP29 said:

While the reception is to thank your guests, the ceremony is the one aspect that IS all about the bride and the groom (with the exception of following etiquette standards of making sure every guest has a chair, you start on time, etc). Thus, the choice of where to get married, who officiates, what you wear or who is in your WP is ENTIRELY your (and your FI's) decision. Your mom hosting your wedding does not entitle her to having a say in your ceremony and WP members.

Maid of Honour and Matron of Honour are the same thing (as said above). You pick the people who are most important to you. By asking them to be in your WP you are choosing to honour them on your wedding day. The people in your WP do not have any requirements, except to show up the day of in the agreed upon attire. They are not required to help you plan your wedding. Just because someone isn't in your wedding party doesn't mean they can't help plan your wedding.

You can have your sister in your WP if you want- two Matron of Honours (as they are both married- your friend would not be a Maid of Honour), your friend as your MOH and your sister as a bridesmaid (bridesmatron? Is that a thing?), or don't ask your sister to be in your party at all.

I agree that this when you need to stand up and tell your mom, "I will be asking my friend to be my MOH. The decision is made, and it is final".

Matrons of Honour, there are two matrons, not two honours.

SP29 · August 2015

@adk19 Grammar fail!

Thanks for the correction.

mollybarker11 · August 2015

Can someone explain to me the significance of MOH to begin with? They're not responsible for corralling the other bridesmaids or planning any parties, so my understanding is that they're mainly just the one who stands next to the bride at the ceremony. All your BMs are to be your closest friends. Are people really that sensitive about which among them is awarded the Honour of Best Friend?

Having two of them makes little sense to me. If you have two pals who you really are equally close to (and that much closer to them than the rest of the BMs) then sure. But unless they're standing next to each other with a metre stick to ensure they're both equal distance from the bride, no one outside the WP will know or care who is MOH.

All of this is moot in OPs case because her sister & their mother know good and well that she's not her BFF and has no reason to be MOH.

photokitty · August 2015

mollybarker11 said:
Can someone explain to me the significance of MOH to begin with? They're not responsible for corralling the other bridesmaids or planning any parties, so my understanding is that they're mainly just the one who stands next to the bride at the ceremony. All your BMs are to be your closest friends. Are people really that sensitive about which among them is awarded the Honour of Best Friend?

Having two of them makes little sense to me. If you have two pals who you really are equally close to (and that much closer to them than the rest of the BMs) then sure. But unless they're standing next to each other with a metre stick to ensure they're both equal distance from the bride, no one outside the WP will know or care who is MOH.

All of this is moot in OPs case because her sister & their mother know good and well that she's not her BFF and has no reason to be MOH.

Bigger piece of cake...must be otherwise no one would care

huskypuppy14 · August 2015

mollybarker11 said:

Can someone explain to me the significance of MOH to begin with? They're not responsible for corralling the other bridesmaids or planning any parties, so my understanding is that they're mainly just the one who stands next to the bride at the ceremony. All your BMs are to be your closest friends. Are people really that sensitive about which among them is awarded the Honour of Best Friend?

Having two of them makes little sense to me. If you have two pals who you really are equally close to (and that much closer to them than the rest of the BMs) then sure. But unless they're standing next to each other with a metre stick to ensure they're both equal distance from the bride, no one outside the WP will know or care who is MOH.

All of this is moot in OPs case because her sister & their mother know good and well that she's not her BFF and has no reason to be MOH.

I had both my sisters as MOH at my wedding. I didn't want to choose between them, and one was married and one wasn't at the time, so done. I also had my BF as a bridesmaid.

My youngest sister was the first of us to get married, and I was her MOH, and other sister was a bridesmaid. For my sister's wedding this year, she picked her BF as MOH, and me and other sister were bridesmaids. So the three of us had all different combinations. At the end of the day, it really doesn't matter. The only difference between a MOH and bridesmaid is that the MOH (in my circle) does the toast at the reception.

redoryx · August 2015

I would just like to point out that I'm an older sister who absolutely loved helping my younger sister plan her wedding but I have ZERO DESIRE to plan one for myself and will most likely be at the court house. Sometimes that's just how it goes.

That said, the bridal party shouldn't be picked based on who can and wants to help plan. If they volunteer to help, sure (like I did for my sister and I also had no problem telling her that No, I will not help with X task) but the fact that you and your friend love planning weddings and parties and such isn't a reason to pick her as your MOH.

Finally, your mother is being ridiculous and doesn't get to dictate who is in the wedding party even if she is paying for the majority of it.

Not having my sister as my MOH

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