MOH issues...

Knottie1436805937.defunct635832252505236958 · September 2015

So...I have a bit of a sticky situation. My sister is my MOH, and in some ways, we are very close, and others, I have difficulty. She is very controlling and pushy. She is also very much a person who loves to steal the limelight (she wanted to pick her MOH dress before I even had my dress, and was sending me pictures, of honestly, pretty revealing dresses, when we're having a church wedding). Then she didn't like the colors I picked (emerald green and blush pink) and she tried to push us towards something else. Luckily, my FI stood up for me on that, because I have a hard time doing that with her. She can also just be plain mean - she says I'm having a buffet which is tacky. Speaking of tacky, nothing we are doing is good enough, and she is pushing us to spend more and more on things. Even with the bridal shower, which she informed me I shouldn't get - because it will be a pain for her to plan - I will have to pay for because SHE doesn't have any money. So, I wanted something simple, lunch and wine with my favorite girls, but SHE wants brunch at a fancy restaurant on the coast that is at least an hour drive for everyone and $75/person! My FI and I are both simple people, we don't need/want anything fancy. I know some of it is jealousy, and some is just her domineering personality. I'm trying to find a way to keep things peaceful, but still get the wedding we want. I usually let her run over me, because I hate fighting, but she is very, very sensitive, and takes everything personally, so it's very hard to not start fights. And she is my sister, my family - this should be a time we are all happy, not bickering. I am starting to lose my mind with it all - too much stress, and out of ideas on how to make this all work. Any thoughts? Please & thanks.

ShesSoCold · September 2015

Knottie1436805937 said:

So...I have a bit of a sticky situation. My sister is my MOH, and in some ways, we are very close, and others, I have difficulty. She is very controlling and pushy. She is also very much a person who loves to steal the limelight (she wanted to pick her MOH dress before I even had my dress, and was sending me pictures, of honestly, pretty revealing dresses, when we're having a church wedding). Then she didn't like the colors I picked (emerald green and blush pink) and she tried to push us towards something else. Luckily, my FI stood up for me on that, because I have a hard time doing that with her. She can also just be plain mean - she says I'm having a buffet which is tacky. Speaking of tacky, nothing we are doing is good enough, and she is pushing us to spend more and more on things. Even with the bridal shower, which she informed me I shouldn't get - because it will be a pain for her to plan - I will have to pay for because SHE doesn't have any money. So, I wanted something simple, lunch and wine with my favorite girls, but SHE wants brunch at a fancy restaurant on the coast that is at least an hour drive for everyone and $75/person! My FI and I are both simple people, we don't need/want anything fancy. I know some of it is jealousy, and some is just her domineering personality. I'm trying to find a way to keep things peaceful, but still get the wedding we want. I usually let her run over me, because I hate fighting, but she is very, very sensitive, and takes everything personally, so it's very hard to not start fights. And she is my sister, my family - this should be a time we are all happy, not bickering. I am starting to lose my mind with it all - too much stress, and out of ideas on how to make this all work. Any thoughts? Please & thanks.

Well, number one, no one is entitled to a shower and she's not required to throw you one. If she or no one else can afford to or offers to throw you a shower, you don't get one. It's really tacky to plan/throw your own. Number two - why the hell did you ask her to be your MOH?

Jen4948 · September 2015

Knottie1436805937 said:
So...I have a bit of a sticky situation. My sister is my MOH, and in some ways, we are very close, and others, I have difficulty. She is very controlling and pushy. She is also very much a person who loves to steal the limelight (she wanted to pick her MOH dress before I even had my dress, and was sending me pictures, of honestly, pretty revealing dresses, when we're having a church wedding). Then she didn't like the colors I picked (emerald green and blush pink) and she tried to push us towards something else. Luckily, my FI stood up for me on that, because I have a hard time doing that with her. She can also just be plain mean - she says I'm having a buffet which is tacky. Speaking of tacky, nothing we are doing is good enough, and she is pushing us to spend more and more on things. Even with the bridal shower, which she informed me I shouldn't get - because it will be a pain for her to plan - I will have to pay for because SHE doesn't have any money. So, I wanted something simple, lunch and wine with my favorite girls, but SHE wants brunch at a fancy restaurant on the coast that is at least an hour drive for everyone and $75/person! My FI and I are both simple people, we don't need/want anything fancy. I know some of it is jealousy, and some is just her domineering personality. I'm trying to find a way to keep things peaceful, but still get the wedding we want. I usually let her run over me, because I hate fighting, but she is very, very sensitive, and takes everything personally, so it's very hard to not start fights. And she is my sister, my family - this should be a time we are all happy, not bickering. I am starting to lose my mind with it all - too much stress, and out of ideas on how to make this all work. Any thoughts? Please & thanks.

Shower issues aside (you aren't entitled to plan or host one for yourself), if she's attention-grabbing, controlling, and pushy regardless of what's going on, it wasn't a realistic expectation that your wedding was going to change her into someone kind and considerate.

What you can do is set boundaries. You can make clear when she crosses the line that her behavior is not acceptable and enforce consequences if she doesn't knock it off. For example, you can refuse to discuss issues with her if she's being too critical and cut off negativity with, "I'm sorry you don't like X, but that is what we're doing. If you can't participate, I understand, but I'm not willing to hear any more negative feedback from you about it."

Knottie1436805937.defunct635832252505236958 · September 2015

I agree I'm not "entitled to" nor do I "deserve" a shower. My feelings were hurt when she said it would be a "pain to plan one" and she actually wants me to plan/pay for it, but appear as if she is doing it. So, to everybody else, it would look like this nice brunch by the ocean side that she arranged/paid for, but in reality, it would be planned/paid for by me. And it was her idea to do the expensive brunch. I would have never come up with that in a million years.

I didn't expect my wedding to change her. I just expected her to be happy for me, and not storm on my parade every 5 minutes. I agree...I will just have to set boundaries - hopefully it will help.

I picked her to be my MOH because it caused world war three when I suggested someone else. She wasn't even happy that I have other bridesmaids at all, she thinks it should only be her up there. I didn't stick to that at all, I have 6 other maids - but it was the blow up of the century.

onefootinthebayou · September 2015

Knottie1436805937 said:

I agree I'm not "entitled to" nor do I "deserve" a shower. My feelings were hurt when she said it would be a "pain to plan one" and she actually wants me to plan/pay for it, but appear as if she is doing it. So, to everybody else, it would look like this nice brunch by the ocean side that she arranged/paid for, but in reality, it would be planned/paid for by me. And it was her idea to do the expensive brunch. I would have never come up with that in a million years.

I didn't expect my wedding to change her. I just expected her to be happy for me, and not storm on my parade every 5 minutes. I agree...I will just have to set boundaries - hopefully it will help.

I picked her to be my MOH because it caused world war three when I suggested someone else. She wasn't even happy that I have other bridesmaids at all, she thinks it should only be her up there. I didn't stick to that at all, I have 6 other maids - but it was the blow up of the century.

And now her bad behavior is being rewarded, giving her absolutely no consequences or reason to change. I'm sorry that she is so difficult and I can see that you are trying to avoid making waves by accommodating her but all that is doing is allowing her to manipulate you. I know it's difficult to understand another person's intimate family situation, but if I were you, I would be more firm with her and let her throw her tantrums. It only makes her look bad & immature. Good luck, I would not want to be in your shoes.

Pupatella · September 2015

Unfortunately, everyone has opinions when wedding planning. The next time she offers a hurtful opinion just tell her that you and your FI are planning your own wedding, and you understand she doesn't have to agree with everything you guys choose, but to please be supportive.

As for the shower, if she is really strapped for cash, what about forgoing the shower all together? I'm not having a shower, and definitely am not sad about not having one.

For her BM dress, that's one thing that you and your FI have a say in, but please be respectful of her budget.

Knottie1436805937.defunct635832252505236958 · September 2015

Thanks for the advice, everyone. I appreciate it.

I definitely don't want anyone to spend money they don't have. In fact, I told the girls the color (emerald green), and told them they can basically pick any dress in that color they want (within reason of course, it's a wedding, not a nightclub). I even said they could do black dressy pants and a nice blouse in my color if they really want. It is a winter wedding, and all my girls are different shapes. I don't want anyone to be uncomfortable. The color is not even to a specific store (we're not worried about slight color variations), so they can shop at Wal-Mart or Saks Fifth Avenue, whatever they want and fits their budget. My MOH had a choice of 3 colors, since she is the MOH and can be different, and that still wasn't good enough.

The problem with the shower is definitely just that she was rude with it, not that she doesn't want to spend money. It's our wedding, nobody should spend anything they don't want to, or can't spend. My shower problems is SHE is pushing ME to pay for a shower I can't even afford, but she wants to take the credit for it.

I agree - we always reward her bad behavior. The entire family. My mom, dad, brother, her boyfriend...she can have an extremely loving and caring side, but nobody wants to deal with her tantrums when she throws one....because it gets very, very bad. I honestly think she has some emotional problems and should get professional help - I suggested this once and basically this thread would not be long enough to tell all the problems that caused!

Pupatella · September 2015

Reading what you wrote, I'm struggling to understand why you chose your sister as your MOH. Having her in your bridal party, totally fine, but why did you choose her as your MOH?

Also, I would just nix the shower altogether. Let's say you go ahead with what your sister wants to do, and you pay for the whole shower (which you say you can't afford). I think this is going to cause more friction between the two of you, and more hurt feelings in the long run.

As for your BM's being able to choose whatever dress they want in the emerald green color - this is great. I did the same thing for my BM's (but with a different color), and got questions asking should they do long / short / what type of material, etc. It may help to send them a few pictures of dresses you like in the emerald green color, just to give them a little bit of guidance. Not saying they have to choose one of the dresses you send them, but just so they can see what you have in mind. This also might help gear your sister more towards what you would like her to wear.

Pupatella · September 2015

Knottie1436805937 said:

I agree I'm not "entitled to" nor do I "deserve" a shower. My feelings were hurt when she said it would be a "pain to plan one" and she actually wants me to plan/pay for it, but appear as if she is doing it. So, to everybody else, it would look like this nice brunch by the ocean side that she arranged/paid for, but in reality, it would be planned/paid for by me. And it was her idea to do the expensive brunch. I would have never come up with that in a million years.

I didn't expect my wedding to change her. I just expected her to be happy for me, and not storm on my parade every 5 minutes. I agree...I will just have to set boundaries - hopefully it will help.

I picked her to be my MOH because it caused world war three when I suggested someone else. She wasn't even happy that I have other bridesmaids at all, she thinks it should only be her up there. I didn't stick to that at all, I have 6 other maids - but it was the blow up of the century.

Ah, just saw this. I am so sorry as you should be able to choose who you feel most comfortable with as your MOH.

I think it's really time to put your foot down with your sister. This is your and your FI's wedding. I would let her throw whatever tantrums she will throw, but stay firm. This is not her wedding, and she doesn't get to decide who the BM's are, who the MOH is, or how many BM's there should be.

The more you let her have her way, the more she is going to walk all over you. If she learned that by throwing a tantrum, you give into her, then unfortunately that's going to keep happening.

Knottie1436805937.defunct635832252505236958 · September 2015

Thank you Pupatella, for all your help on this! Yes, I created a Pinterest page with dress suggestions for the ladies. I agree - time to put my foot down. So hard, but at this point, I'm so stressed and not really enjoying these moments I should be. Every time I think of my wedding planning, I get sad, and that is not how it should be. I WISH my sister was on my side more, but at this point, there isn't much hope of that happening.

mollybarker11 · September 2015

Definitely decline that shower nonsense. If she doesn't want to throw you one (ie find a way to pay for & plan it herself), that's fine. She's being a rude weirdo asking you to pay for & plan it. Even if she was properly hosting one at the brunch place, you could always decline it if that's not the type of thing that interests you. Next time she brings it up just repeat "No thank you" until she stops talking.

What exactly is her issue with the dress? Your guidelines of "one of these three colous" and "appropriate for a church" are not unreasonable. It's not your job to pick out a dress for her and while it is good to show suggestions like you have with your pinterest page, you shouldn't exhaust yourself responding to every complaint she has. Just say "I hope you can manage to find something by [date of your wedding], good luck!"

Just because she's stressed out doesn't mean you need to take it on. These are not the type of problems you need to support her through.

zitiqueen · September 2015

Knottie1436805937 said:

So...I have a bit of a sticky situation. My sister is my MOH, and in some ways, we are very close, and others, I have difficulty. She is very controlling and pushy. She is also very much a person who loves to steal the limelight (she wanted to pick her MOH dress before I even had my dress, and was sending me pictures, of honestly, pretty revealing dresses, when we're having a church wedding). Then she didn't like the colors I picked (emerald green and blush pink) and she tried to push us towards something else. Luckily, my FI stood up for me on that, because I have a hard time doing that with her. She can also just be plain mean - she says I'm having a buffet which is tacky. Speaking of tacky, nothing we are doing is good enough, and she is pushing us to spend more and more on things. Even with the bridal shower, which she informed me I shouldn't get - because it will be a pain for her to plan - I will have to pay for because SHE doesn't have any money. So, I wanted something simple, lunch and wine with my favorite girls, but SHE wants brunch at a fancy restaurant on the coast that is at least an hour drive for everyone and $75/person! My FI and I are both simple people, we don't need/want anything fancy. I know some of it is jealousy, and some is just her domineering personality. I'm trying to find a way to keep things peaceful, but still get the wedding we want. I usually let her run over me, because I hate fighting, but she is very, very sensitive, and takes everything personally, so it's very hard to not start fights. And she is my sister, my family - this should be a time we are all happy, not bickering. I am starting to lose my mind with it all - too much stress, and out of ideas on how to make this all work. Any thoughts? Please & thanks.

How's that working out for you?

Honestly, who do you insist on giving her so much power in your life?

OliveOilsMom · September 2015

Stop discussing your wedding with your sister. If you don't tell her about plans, then she cannot criticize them. You should also learn ways to shut down your sister without her throwing a tantrum. For the shower, just tell her that you thought about it and realized its not right to pay for a party where you get gifts. So thank her for offering to host the party, even if she wanted you to do all the leg work and pay for it, but tell her you are unable to pay for the shower. Then hope that someone else offers to host a shower for you.

Your sister complains about the color choices for dresses. Just say that you are sorry, she doesn't like the choice in colors, but those are the colors you have chosen and that decision is final. If she tries to complain further or throw a tantrum. Just stay calm and say, "Sister, I have already told you the decision is final. I'm sorry you don't like it, but it's not up for discussion." Then change the subject. If sister still won't give it up, then leave or hang up the phone. She can have as big a temper tantrum as she wants, but you don't have to be there for it.

Just remember how your sister acts. It will not change for you during your wedding planning and your wedding day. So keep your expectations for her very low. Start setting boundaries and keep them with your sister. Your whole family may accomodate her, but that doesn't mean you have to as well.

drunkenwitch · September 2015

Knottie1436805937 said:
I agree I'm not "entitled to" nor do I "deserve" a shower. My feelings were hurt when she said it would be a "pain to plan one" and she actually wants me to plan/pay for it, but appear as if she is doing it. So, to everybody else, it would look like this nice brunch by the ocean side that she arranged/paid for, but in reality, it would be planned/paid for by me. And it was her idea to do the expensive brunch. I would have never come up with that in a million years.

I didn't expect my wedding to change her. I just expected her to be happy for me, and not storm on my parade every 5 minutes. I agree...I will just have to set boundaries - hopefully it will help.

I picked her to be my MOH because it caused world war three when I suggested someone else. She wasn't even happy that I have other bridesmaids at all, she thinks it should only be her up there. I didn't stick to that at all, I have 6 other maids - but it was the blow up of the century.

You're an adult, put on your big girl panties and stand up to her. You know when my family stopped running rough shod over me? WHEN I STOPPED ALLOWING IT. When they had a fit, I removed myself from their lives until they agreed to treat me with respect.

Knottie1436805937.defunct635832252505236958 · September 2015

Thank you for those of you who took time to put in thoughtful and helpful responses, and were kind. I truly appreciate it, and I know you are right.

I know a lot of the accommodating things we do as a family for my sister do not make sense, but as someone pointed out - it's tough to know a family dynamics unless you are living it yourself. So, as great as it might sound to "put on my big girl panties and stand up to her" as drunkenwitch suggested, I have tried that, and historically, it doe nothing but break down my family and sister even more. I don't want my wedding planning to be a constant strain and stress. I want it to be fun and peaceful, and avoid fights - and I think most people would want the same thing. I don't think it's weird I want that. Also, I truly think and believe my sister has emotional problems (because normal people do not act the way she does) and while I'm not a psychologist or psychiatrist, I can tell something is not right. I have suggested several times she get professional help, but she will not. I have tried to enlist my mom, dad and brother to help her get help, but they are afraid to bring it up. So, IMHO, she is still my sister, I still love her, and I am just trying to find a way to keep my family life/wedding as nice and peaceful as I possibly can, without caving to her all the time. Have I been successful? Obviously not as much as I'd like to be. But, that doesn't mean I'm not an adult (or acting like one) or that I can't stand up for myself at all, or I allow her to do this to me. I was just hoping, someone could shed some light on a difficult and sad situation. I was wondering if anyone else had difficult family or close friends, and how they dealt with it. I appreciate those who gave me constructive advice in regards to that inquiry. Thank you!

mollybarker11 · September 2015

Knottie1436805937 said:

So, as great as it might sound to "put on my big girl panties and stand up to her" as drunkenwitch suggested, I have tried that, and historically, it doe nothing but break down my family and sister even more.

[...]

I am just trying to find a way to keep my family life/wedding as nice and peaceful as I possibly can, without caving to her all the time.

You've shown that reasoning with her has not worked, so the only two options you're left with are to stand up to her or cave into her.

Standing up does not mean telling her off for being a horrible person. In this case it's as simple as saying "No thank you!" when she mentions the shower and "Good luck finding an appropriate green, pink, or ___ dress!" If she flips out over those comments, it's not because you made her flip out. Do not blame yourself for the way she chooses to react. My suggested comments are not in any way provocative.

Caving in and avoiding a meltdown may be as simple as saying "Okay, I will plan and pay for my own bridal shower wherever you want it!" and "Okay, wear whatever you want to the wedding!" But my guess is that she will then find three more things to start a fight over each time you let her win one. I do have experience with similarly ~difficult~ people and that is how they operate.

mollybarker11 · September 2015

I know it is hard to see someone you love upset, but if you let it go she will tire herself out eventually. Think of the worst-case scenarios if you stop engaging with her: Is she going to continuously text, email, and phone you to complain about these things? Is she going to show up at your house if you don't write or call back? Is she going to break into your front window if you don't answer the door? Is she going to kidnap you and take you to brunch without a reservation? Is she going to show up to your wedding stark naked because she couldn't decide on a dress?

No.

Chances are she'll drop the shower, pick a dress, and complain about both to whoever will listen. Meanwhile you and your FI will be taste-testing cake.

drunkenwitch · September 2015

Knottie1436805937 said:
Thank you for those of you who took time to put in thoughtful and helpful responses, and were kind. I truly appreciate it, and I know you are right.

I know a lot of the accommodating things we do as a family for my sister do not make sense, but as someone pointed out - it's tough to know a family dynamics unless you are living it yourself. So, as great as it might sound to "put on my big girl panties and stand up to her" as drunkenwitch suggested, I have tried that, and historically, it doe nothing but break down my family and sister even more. I don't want my wedding planning to be a constant strain and stress. I want it to be fun and peaceful, and avoid fights - and I think most people would want the same thing. I don't think it's weird I want that. Also, I truly think and believe my sister has emotional problems (because normal people do not act the way she does) and while I'm not a psychologist or psychiatrist, I can tell something is not right. I have suggested several times she get professional help, but she will not. I have tried to enlist my mom, dad and brother to help her get help, but they are afraid to bring it up. So, IMHO, she is still my sister, I still love her, and I am just trying to find a way to keep my family life/wedding as nice and peaceful as I possibly can, without caving to her all the time. Have I been successful? Obviously not as much as I'd like to be. But, that doesn't mean I'm not an adult (or acting like one) or that I can't stand up for myself at all, or I allow her to do this to me. I was just hoping, someone could shed some light on a difficult and sad situation. I was wondering if anyone else had difficult family or close friends, and how they dealt with it. I appreciate those who gave me constructive advice in regards to that inquiry. Thank you!

I gave you constructive advice. I have a difficult family, I stood up to them, oh yes it caused drama. Their drama, not my drama. I stood my ground. Was it easy? No. Was it worth it? Absofuckinglutely. It took years, yes years, for my family to start treating me with respect. It happened when I stopped putting up with their bullshit and told them "treat me with respect or you don't get to have me in your life".

I love my family, bit that doesn't give them a license to treat my like shit.

[Deleted User] · September 2015

What I did to avoid problems is that I didn't tell anyone basically any details. Only thing family & bridal party members knew, where the ceremony would be, where the reception would be, the colors and then once planned, the rehersal dinner. When it came to decor, invites, etc, we did it all on our own. Only thing I asked in regards to flowers is if anyone had any allergies or sensitivities to any thing specific floral wise. When people asked, I just said, I've got it under control, I would like to keep a few things a surprise for everyone. And if they provide advise, smile and say thank you, I'll keep that in mind. We paid for everything but the rehersal dinner (in laws paid for that so they got a say in that) and then my parents gifted me my dress. So since we paid for everything else, we had final say. I'm sure my mom would have liked to have been more included, but I did it this way because I didn't want to make everything about my wedding during the 11 months of planning. I wanted to enjoy the other events going on in our family

J2K16 · September 2015

I am having pretty much the same issues with my MOH-my only and younger sister. So I completely understand where you are coming from. I know it is hard, but don't let her bring you down, because once you're down it's hard to come up! I would constantly worry about what negative or rude thing my MOH would say or do next. I also get it, she is your sister, your family, which is a large reason as to why she is your MOH, I know a war would of broke out if my sister wasn't mine either. One thing I have learned is to just stick to your guns. I know it's hard, and trust me you're not the only one whose going through it! Hang in there!!

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