Honeymoon registry-still tacky?

kkitkat79 · September 2015

Knottie1440377846 said:

kkitkat79 said:

Knottie1440377846 said:

However, conceptually, cash honeymoon registries are very different. At best they are an open request for money which is definitely against etiquette. At worst they are deceiving because while the gift-giver might think they are gifting you a helicopter ride, in actuality they are gifting you money.

You also need to differentiate between what you think is acceptable and what other people involved might think. Some people do find requests for money offensive and because cash honeymoon registries are in effect money registries some people might be offended. As a host I presume you would like to avoid offending your guests.

True, but if you'll humor me here, what if the person registers for the helicopter ride and they are gifted that... & what if the site gives them a voucher for cash instead of the actual ride, but the couple uses that voucher for the helicopter ride. I'm not saying you are, but I don't want to presume the couple is out to deceive me. If you assume the intentions are right, I think in the vast majority of cases, the money will go to what they stated.

As for offending your guests, I do agree & believe me, I appreciate the sentiment here.

I think the reaction depends on the guests you invite. After seeing the reaction here, I reached out to several close friends and 5 out of 5 said sthing like "awesome idea" or "yes, just went to a wedding that had that & I thought it was a fun idea"

The intention is not very relevant I am afraid. It does not matter that the couple intends to use the money for a helicopter ride. What matters is that they are in effect registered for money. If they want a specific type of a helicopter ride and there is no place where the gift-giver can actually purchase that for them then the proper thing to do is not register at all and if and when asked just say "We would appreciate anything you would like to give us. Our dream is to take a helicopter ride in Toronto."

Here is why this is the proper thing to do. People are not stupid. If they are not opposed to gifting cash they will in fact gift cash so they can help make your dream come true. And people who are opposed to gifting cash will have to figure something out. But those people who are opposed to gifting cash and know how cash honeymoon registries work will find them distasteful even if they know that you intend to use the money towards the stated goal. Because they are opposed to gifting cash. And if they don't know how cash honeymoon registries work, they would in effect be deceived whether you intended it or not. And that's even worse.

You are right, the reaction will totally depend on your guests. I, for example, am not easily offended even by things that are universally considered to be rude and offensive. I just don't care. But unless you make sure that everyone on your guest list know how cash honeymoon registries work and are not offended by them, I think it's best to skip it.

Or make sure that your experience registry provides the actual experience. I know there are websites where you can buy actual experiences for people (I gave my sister and her husband a horseback riding experience for their wedding anniversary), but I am not sure you can register through them.

AdventureisCalling · September 2015

I don't think this question has directly been asked, but to posters who support a honeyfund - I guess my question is "Why?"

Just follow me with this.

Lets say you (general) have everything tangible you could ever want so you don't have any type of registry. Is the true fear that you will receive NO GIFTS?

First of all, is that the worst thing in the world? I mean, you (general) are getting married because you want to spend the rest of your life with another person, and want people to celebrate with you. Gifts are nice, but not ever required.

Second - perhaps there are different social circles that I am unaware of where if you don't give people a list, they won't bring a gift, but I think generally, those guests who want to bring gifts will and those that feel they are unnecessary will not. End of story. But if you were hoping for blue towels, you might receive pink ones from the guest who loves to buy towels.

Bottom line - (as all these points have been made over and over in this long thread) - the wedding industry has tried to brainwash every modern bride that guests are dumb and you will not get gifts if you don't make a specific list of what you want (including experiences, pots and pans, and money.) This is simply not true. People know when they come to a wedding it is lovely to give a gift. They also know they are not required to give a gift. Therefore making a list of cash (or cash equivalents) is simply not necessary.

The traditional registry helps you get less than 18 toasters and blue towels instead of pink ones. You might still get an ugly picture frame or 5 toasters, but that is because people love you and they thought you would love the gifts they picked our for you. So, enjoy, say thank you, and eat extra toast knowing you always have a back up.

Knottie1440377846 · September 2015

AdventureisCalling said:

I don't think this question has directly been asked, but to posters who support a honeyfund - I guess my question is "Why?"
Just follow me with this.
Lets say you (general) have everything tangible you could ever want so you don't have any type of registry. Is the true fear that you will receive NO GIFTS?
First of all, is that the worst thing in the world? I mean, you (general) are getting married because you want to spend the rest of your life with another person, and want people to celebrate with you. Gifts are nice, but not ever required.
Second - perhaps there are different social circles that I am unaware of where if you don't give people a list, they won't bring a gift, but I think generally, those guests who want to bring gifts will and those that feel they are unnecessary will not. End of story. But if you were hoping for blue towels, you might receive pink ones from the guest who loves to buy towels.
Bottom line - (as all these points have been made over and over in this long thread) - the wedding industry has tried to brainwash every modern bride that guests are dumb and you will not get gifts if you don't make a specific list of what you want (including experiences, pots and pans, and money.) This is simply not true. People know when they come to a wedding it is lovely to give a gift. They also know they are not required to give a gift. Therefore making a list of cash (or cash equivalents) is simply not necessary.
The traditional registry helps you get less than 18 toasters and blue towels instead of pink ones. You might still get an ugly picture frame or 5 toasters, but that is because people love you and they thought you would love the gifts they picked our for you. So, enjoy, say thank you, and eat extra toast knowing you always have a back up.

The idea you're putting fwd, that others have as well, is that a traditional registry is a helpful suggestion as to what to get you. So what if it's set up to suggest someone do something like buy you a drink when you're on your honeymoon? It is more or less a guide to your guests as is a trad registry, answering the question - "we'd like to get you a gift but don't know what to get you."

& I disagree that most people view a registry as a guide - they view is as a wish list imo.

ryanandjoe4 · September 2015

Knottie1440377846 said:

AdventureisCalling said:

I don't think this question has directly been asked, but to posters who support a honeyfund - I guess my question is "Why?"
Just follow me with this.
Lets say you (general) have everything tangible you could ever want so you don't have any type of registry. Is the true fear that you will receive NO GIFTS?
First of all, is that the worst thing in the world? I mean, you (general) are getting married because you want to spend the rest of your life with another person, and want people to celebrate with you. Gifts are nice, but not ever required.
Second - perhaps there are different social circles that I am unaware of where if you don't give people a list, they won't bring a gift, but I think generally, those guests who want to bring gifts will and those that feel they are unnecessary will not. End of story. But if you were hoping for blue towels, you might receive pink ones from the guest who loves to buy towels.
Bottom line - (as all these points have been made over and over in this long thread) - the wedding industry has tried to brainwash every modern bride that guests are dumb and you will not get gifts if you don't make a specific list of what you want (including experiences, pots and pans, and money.) This is simply not true. People know when they come to a wedding it is lovely to give a gift. They also know they are not required to give a gift. Therefore making a list of cash (or cash equivalents) is simply not necessary.
The traditional registry helps you get less than 18 toasters and blue towels instead of pink ones. You might still get an ugly picture frame or 5 toasters, but that is because people love you and they thought you would love the gifts they picked our for you. So, enjoy, say thank you, and eat extra toast knowing you always have a back up.

The idea you're putting fwd, that others have as well, is that a traditional registry is a helpful suggestion as to what to get you. So what if it's set up to suggest someone do something like buy you a drink when you're on your honeymoon? It is more or less a guide to your guests as is a trad registry, answering the question - "we'd like to get you a gift but don't know what to get you."

& I disagree that most people view a registry as a guide - they view is as a wish list imo.

because you don't get the drink on your honeymoon, you get the check for it in the mail later...

AdventureisCalling · September 2015

But with that idea, is the concern with no registry that you (general) will get NO gifts? That was really the point I was trying to put forward.

southernbelle0915 · September 2015

Stop feeding the troll. After 11 pages, it's pretty obvious what's wrong/right and that Knottie#s is having a blast wasting everyone's time.

Knottie1440377846 · September 2015

kkitkat79 said:

Knottie1440377846 said:

kkitkat79 said:

Knottie1440377846 said:

However, conceptually, cash honeymoon registries are very different. At best they are an open request for money which is definitely against etiquette. At worst they are deceiving because while the gift-giver might think they are gifting you a helicopter ride, in actuality they are gifting you money.

You also need to differentiate between what you think is acceptable and what other people involved might think. Some people do find requests for money offensive and because cash honeymoon registries are in effect money registries some people might be offended. As a host I presume you would like to avoid offending your guests.

True, but if you'll humor me here, what if the person registers for the helicopter ride and they are gifted that... & what if the site gives them a voucher for cash instead of the actual ride, but the couple uses that voucher for the helicopter ride. I'm not saying you are, but I don't want to presume the couple is out to deceive me. If you assume the intentions are right, I think in the vast majority of cases, the money will go to what they stated.

As for offending your guests, I do agree & believe me, I appreciate the sentiment here.

I think the reaction depends on the guests you invite. After seeing the reaction here, I reached out to several close friends and 5 out of 5 said sthing like "awesome idea" or "yes, just went to a wedding that had that & I thought it was a fun idea"

The intention is not very relevant I am afraid. It does not matter that the couple intends to use the money for a helicopter ride. What matters is that they are in effect registered for money. If they want a specific type of a helicopter ride and there is no place where the gift-giver can actually purchase that for them then the proper thing to do is not register at all and if and when asked just say "We would appreciate anything you would like to give us. Our dream is to take a helicopter ride in Toronto."

Here is why this is the proper thing to do. People are not stupid. If they are not opposed to gifting cash they will in fact gift cash so they can help make your dream come true. And people who are opposed to gifting cash will have to figure something out. But those people who are opposed to gifting cash and know how cash honeymoon registries work will find them distasteful even if they know that you intend to use the money towards the stated goal. Because they are opposed to gifting cash. And if they don't know how cash honeymoon registries work, they would in effect be deceived whether you intended it or not. And that's even worse.

You are right, the reaction will totally depend on your guests. I, for example, am not easily offended even by things that are universally considered to be rude and offensive. I just don't care. But unless you make sure that everyone on your guest list know how cash honeymoon registries work and are not offended by them, I think it's best to skip it.

Or make sure that your experience registry provides the actual experience. I know there are websites where you can buy actual experiences for people (I gave my sister and her husband a horseback riding experience for their wedding anniversary), but I am not sure you can register through them.

Hear what you're saying.

To me, it's better to give people someplace to start rather than the inevitable question - where are you registered, what do you want? I do get your point, though.

I also appreciate the sentiment you mention of not getting easily offended - part of this whole thing is that I can't think of a single guest that would get offended, or focus on the "rudeness" of my action above the person I am and the relationship we have, or think for a moment that I was setting up a cash grab over trying my best to put together a wedding. I would be shocked and sad to hear if that is the takeaway by my guests from anything I did.

TrixieJess · September 2015

southernbelle0915 said:

Stop feeding the troll. After 11 pages, it's pretty obvious what's wrong/right and that Knottie#s is having a blast wasting everyone's time.

I'm just sitting here like this:

Knottie1440377846 · September 2015

AdventureisCalling said:

But with that idea, is the concern with no registry that you (general) will get NO gifts? That was really the point I was trying to put forward.

No - that def'ly an option. & no gifts is fine with me. kkitkat was suggesting that & I think it's a reasonable way to go as well.

kkitkat79 · September 2015

Knottie1440377846 said:

I also appreciate the sentiment you mention of not getting easily offended - part of this whole thing is that I can't think of a single guest that would get offended, or focus on the "rudeness" of my action above the person I am and the relationship we have, or think for a moment that I was setting up a cash grab over trying my best to put together a wedding. I would be shocked and sad to hear if that is the takeaway by my guests from anything I did.

This is a very valid point. After all, cash honeymoon registries impose no physical inconvenience on the guest like gaps, or not enough food, or cash bars. If one does not want to gift money they don't have to. I always give the benefit of the doubt to people who are close to me and I have no problem with them expressing their wants and desires in a forward manner. If my friend tells me that if I intend to gift them something they prefer cash I am fine with it. But that's because we are close and can do away with some of the niceties even if said niceties are usually considered important.

However, not all relationships are like that. And sometimes weddings involve people who you are not that close to or who you don't personally know. And as a host it is your responsibility to make sure that none of your guests are offended by anything that you do even if you personally think that there is nothing to be offended about. Err on the side of caution.

redoryx · September 2015

Knottie1440377846 said:

While everyone is defending gift registries and pointing out their stark contrast to Hmoon registries, no one has explained to me how they are not against etiquette as well.

Look to your beacon of taste, Miss Manners: "Although she despises registries..." from Miss Manners' Guide to a Surprisingly Dignified Wedding.

Miss Manners despising registries is not the same thing as Miss Manner saying registries are against etiquette.

She believes that a registry takes away the thoughtfulness that comes with personally selecting and buying a gift for a couple. Earlier in that same book: When guests ask you what you want (and they will, as registries have gotten them out of the habit of thinking about what would please their friends) you may reluctantly admit to a preference for a certain style or category that includes modest items or, if you must, to being registered at stores.

Don't just pick and choose which parts of the argument work best for you.

Knottie1440377846 · September 2015

kkitkat79 said:

Knottie1440377846 said:

I also appreciate the sentiment you mention of not getting easily offended - part of this whole thing is that I can't think of a single guest that would get offended, or focus on the "rudeness" of my action above the person I am and the relationship we have, or think for a moment that I was setting up a cash grab over trying my best to put together a wedding. I would be shocked and sad to hear if that is the takeaway by my guests from anything I did.

This is a very valid point. After all, cash honeymoon registries impose no physical inconvenience on the guest like gaps, or not enough food, or cash bars. If one does not want to gift money they don't have to. I always give the benefit of the doubt to people who are close to me and I have no problem with them expressing their wants and desires in a forward manner. If my friend tells me that if I intend to gift them something they prefer cash I am fine with it. But that's because we are close and can do away with some of the niceties even if said niceties are usually considered important.

However, not all relationships are like that. And sometimes weddings involve people who you are not that close to or who you don't personally know. And as a host it is your responsibility to make sure that none of your guests are offended by anything that you do even if you personally think that there is nothing to be offended about. Err on the side of caution.

Very well stated.

I should mention that I am having a small wedding and know all of my guests extremely well. No office people, no 3rd cousins. But there is still the responsibility to try to do what is best, agreed.

I would hope even if a bigger wedding that people would have an attitude like you mentioned of giving the benefit of the doubt. I will bet you, with the wrong person and the wrong attitude, that *every* wedding would have something offensive, if not the entire event & everything surrounding it.

MairePoppy · September 2015

soontobesyp said:

oh and...

That is why I need a pug.

huskypuppy14 · September 2015

Knottie1440377846 said:

PrettyGirlLost said:

Knottie1440377846 said:

kkitkat79 said:

Knottie1440377846 said:

So is having a gift registry and many other seemingly "approved" activities. You can find resources to say just about anything is or is not against etiquette.

The best argument you can logically make is that they are rude as a matter of opinion. Which I disagree with *imho*.

Registries are *always* a guideline, just like any other wishlist one might create- no one has to buy anything from them, ever. And the couple has no way to force anyone to buy from the registry.

Same for a Hmoon Registry.

I can't read the new 50 posts, but I need to respond one more time.

A regular wedding registry is no different than any other wish list. If your Mom asks what do you want for Christmas, you can say XYZ or here's my amazon wish list. This is perfectly acceptable normal behavior.

Just like at Christmas or your birthday, you don't solicit for gifts, you only give the registry if asked "where are you registered, or what would you like for your wedding".

A honeymoon registry is registering for cash. Asking for cash is rude. It would be like if Mom asks what would you like for Christmas, and you say 50 dollars. Not ok, and you'll probably get this face:

SP29 · September 2015

I will concede to Knottie#s that etiquette has the ability to change with other social changes, such as the example given about RSVP cards. That was once frowned upon, as everyone had their own stationary- rarely is personal stationary used nowdays. Gift registries have developed as a courtesy to the giver. The giver knows what you don't have (versus getting 4 toasters), and what your home colours are. If a guest asks, the bride and groom would say, "We are registered at X". Then the guest is free to look that registry up, if they choose. The bride and groom do not say, "Oh, we want a $200 stainless steel Calphalon toaster".

A honeymoon registry (thinking mainly about honeyfund) is not a courtesy to the giver. The giver is not actually buying an experience. The giver is having to pay a service fee. None of this is a courtesy.

Honeymoon registries (where cash is given in exchange for an "experience") are really just pointless. If a guest wants to give the B&G money, they can write a cheque or put cash in an envelope. If a guest asks, the bride and groom can say, "We are saving up for X" (which could be a honeymoon), and the guest can decide whether to contribute to that or not via a cash gift. The bride and groom don't need a website to say, "We want cash".

ryanandjoe4 · September 2015

Omg

Honeymoon registry-still tacky?

Re: Honeymoon registry-still tacky?

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